Chapter 18 Jamaica
My conflicted heart loved two men. No matter which direction I leaned toward, the scales seemed unbalanced. Maybe if it were just Jamie and me, I could let go of Kody and be with Freedom the way my heart yearned.
KJ.
My KJ, my sunshine. My energy. My bundle of joy, who smiled all the time.
Under the best of intentions, a divorce would take away his shine.
He was too young to ascertain or care if his parents were happy and content together.
All he knew was his mama and daddy and that he could jump into the bed between us whenever he wanted.
That his parents took him to his favorite activities, like the Boy Scout meetings, swimming, and Dave and Buster’s.
He didn’t have to wait to open up gifts on Christmas because both of his parents tumbled out of bed when he eagerly woke them up.
For five years, I had been content living with Kody and not being his wife.
In the depths of my heart, I only wanted my last name to change to Cade.
My parents hated that we were shacked up, raising Jamie, and that I didn’t force this issue.
They assumed Kody dragged his feet when it was me.
He’d brought up marriage in our conversations, though he’d never proposed.
I told him that a paper didn’t mean anything or could hold us together if we wanted to leave one another.
After a careless, spontaneous romp in the backseat of his SUV and the wand predicted a baby was on the way, Kody put his foot down.
With another baby boy growing inside of me and the man who helped me create him by my side, the fierce need to hold on to a love that would never come back finally broke.
I gave Kody my all. Happily married him, worked hard to build a successful business, and took care of my boys.
We were a unit striving to be a healthy, black family.
I enjoyed volunteering at school and in the community while also handling the business side of Happy Homes.
Loved that my parents had fully embraced us once we married and helped us with the down payment for our sprawling home.
I had a busy and full life devoted to being a wife and mother.
Then Kody cheated, and the walls started to crumble.
I’d known of his wandering eye and had erroneously attributed it to my unwillingness to lock it down with him.
I turned my head when he came home later than he said he would, or when he smelled faintly of perfume or worse, fresh soap.
Assumed that Kody looked at other women because I refused to give him my all.
Thought that once I committed to him in front of God and everyone we loved, wore his ring and his name, that he would trust in me and give me his all, too.
Six weeks ago, Kody promised his all. I made no such promises except to move forward, and as I stood beside him in the hospital room talking to Jamie, while the man of my heart and carnal desires held Jamie’s hand across from us, I wondered how long before I succumbed to Freedom again.
“I gotta couple of licks in,” Jamie said proudly to Kody. “I remembered what you taught me when I was little, if someone approached me from the back.”
“Naw…naw…did you actually teach him that move?” Freedom asked Kody. “That was a good one. He tried to use it on me when we were in the sixth grade.”
“I didn’t just try. You were on the ground.”
Freedom waved his hand. “Still got a warped sense of reality. You know I won that fight. That’s why we became friends. Realized you couldn’t beat me, so why not be my friend?”
Kody taunted, “Lies and garbage.”
Seeing them like this reminded me of how close they were at one point.
You didn’t see one without the other. Always teasing and laughing.
Popular among our classmates and most teachers despite their mischievousness.
An undercurrent of competition and jealousy prevailed, yet they were protective of each other. Why did it end?
Jamie frowned slightly and lifted his arm that had an IV for pain meds to clasp Kody’s hand, too. “Free told me that you and he were best friends. And I now know you didn’t start dating Mama until I was two, so why did you stop being friends?”
Kody and Freedom exchanged knowing glances.
Peace, who had been sitting in the corner quietly, replied, “Sometimes, friends are only meant for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.”
“What if I need both of you in my life?” Jamie asked. “Because I don’t want to choose.”
An overwhelmed Kody bent to hug him, and I rubbed Kody’s back. “Not too hard, Babe.”
Freedom’s eyes glistened, noting evidence of the love and comfort that I had for Kody. He cleared his throat. “You never have to choose. Kody has been there for you…um…when I didn’t have the opportunity... or couldn’t. I hope I didn’t make you feel that you had to love me and love me only.”
Kody stood back up, and Jamie smiled at Freedom. “No. You haven’t made me feel like that. Guess, trying to understand all of this and wishing you two could still be friends.”
The two men stared at each other again, unable and probably unwilling to respond.
“And I’m trying to understand why none of you don’t seem bothered about those two boys, because if I find out who they are, someone is going to have to pull me off them.” I perched on the side of the bed. “Freedom and I missed the story.”
He shrugged. “They were ragging on me because they never see me with anyone. Trying to say I was a weirdo, a psycho, that I needed to kill myself already. Thought they could bully me because I refused to respond. One pushed me from the back, and I swung and connected with his jaw, and then hit him again. The other one jumped in because he could tell I was about to win the fight.”
“Those boys are going to be suspended, right?” My hands balled into fists. “Peace, do you know who they are? I need their names.”
He seemed amused. “They’re already suspended for a week, and I have some choice words when I see them. No one knows Jamie is my nephew yet.”
I jumped up. “This is not funny. We have to do something. This can’t happen again.”
All the men, including my son, looked at me like I had two heads.
“What is wrong with you? They could’ve killed him.”
“They didn’t, Ma. I fought two boys and got the most licks. One pushed me into the locker, and I hit the edge. They won’t mess with me again.”
“Boys fight…sometimes they bully. Jamie handled it, and he’s fine. He wasn’t even unconscious long. They only brought him here to make sure he’s good.” Freedom explained.
“Of course, you don’t think it’s a big deal. This is the kind of shit you did back then. Getting into fights, not caring who was hurt. Kody having to save you from your own mouth and fists,” I hurled.
His brow furrowed deeply, and he huffed, “Kody ain’t have to do shit for me.”
Kody snorted. “Talk about delusional.”
In a flash, Peace was out of his chair beside his brother. “You better shut the hell up now if you know what’s good for you.”
“What’s going on? I could hear you down the hall.” My father’s booming voice entered the room before his body. He walked in and stopped when he locked eyes with Freedom. “Why are you here?”
“To see my son.”
My father’s head snapped toward Kody and me. “You told him?”
I moved closer to my father. “I thought you told him when Jamie was a baby.”
He stared at me unblinking, though I saw the slight clenching of his jaw. “Told him not to come around anymore.”
“Grandad?” Jamie’s unsure voice broke the tension thick as ice.
Freedom quickly bent to kiss Jamie’s forehead. “You can stay with me over the weekend. I need to go.”
“Over the weekend?” My father bellowed. “What’s going on?”
“Your grandson is recovering. Not the time.” Freedom insisted as he beckoned Peace to leave with him.
“Dad, we can talk about it later,” Kody added.
Freedom stopped in disbelief. “Dad? You call him ‘Dad’?” He looked Kody up and down with disgust and stormed out of the room.
Peace fist bumped a saddened Jamie. “You did good today. Call me later, okay?”
He nodded slowly. Tears that I thought he would have when I first walked in the room now fell. Jamie had been stronger than I thought he would be, and his family just let him down in a big way.
“Give me a sec, I need to check on your dad and uncle,” I told Jamie, purposefully letting my father know that they are family now and that I still cared about them.
My dad grabbed my arm when I passed him. “Your husband is right here.”
“Let her go,” Kody demanded quietly. “You’re here to visit Jamie, then visit.”
I looked at Kody gratefully before I hurried out of the room. I rushed down the hall and out of the sliding glass doors to find him. Their long legs carried them out of here fast.
Near the exit, he and Peace were standing by Peace’s car, animatedly talking, catching the attention of a few people, probably trying to determine if what they saw was really Freedom Cade. I caught the conversation that flowed in the breezy April night.
“She still thinks I’m some damn thug. All the money and everything I did, and she still sees me that way. I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.”
“She’s just upset. You know how Mamas are about their sons.”
“In her eyes, I’m that bad dude, and Kody is the good guy. No matter how much she says she loves me, she’s just like her daddy. I will never be enough for them. I can’t let anyone make me feel like that again. Not even her.”
Peace opened his mouth and caught my stunned expression. He pointed past Freedom’s shoulder, and instead of turning around, Freedom hopped into his car and sped out of the parking lot. I ran to Peace. “I didn’t mean it. I was angry…I was confused.”
His eyes were sad. “You meant it.”
I dropped my head in shame. “I love him.”
“Not the way he deserves. I’m forever Team Freedom.” He hit his chest. “I’m always going to rock with my brother. He saved me so many times.”
“I need to see him. Give me his address.”
“No. Jamie needs you.”