Chapter 36
THIRTY-SIX
CALLUM
Erica’s smile was wide and bright, and it reminded me of the old her. Before she dated that asshole. Before the cancer. Before the fight for her life. She turned her phone around so I could see the screen.
“‘No evidence of disease,’” I read.
“I’m in remission,” she confirmed, and her eyes filled with tears.
My chest collapsed. I crumpled into the couch as Erica took a seat next to me, her arms coming around me to squeeze me tight.
I should’ve been the one hugging her, not the other way around.
But my breath shuddered, and Erica held me closer.
She sniffled, and I pulled away to see her brush tears off her cheeks.
She was glowing with happiness and relief.
“You did it.”
“I did it.” She nodded, that beautiful smile still on her face. “Couldn’t have done it without you, Cal.”
“That’s a lie and you know it. You would’ve beaten this thing either way.”
“Stop it. You took me in when my world fell apart.”
Her weasel of an ex had abandoned her when she got her diagnosis—abandoned her and Lila. If I ever saw him again, I’d kill him. But Erica had come to me—trusted me—and she’d beat her cancer. She was free.
I let out a long sigh and dropped my head in my hands.
Relief felt like a hollow void inside me, a space that had been filled with terror for so long I hadn’t quite realized it was still there.
Now it was like a phantom limb. I still felt the fear, even though its feet had been cut out from under it.
My sister would live. God, I could hardly believe it.
Despite my presence in her life, my toxic, poisonous existence, she would live.
She’d survived this. She would see Lila grow up.
“I was thinking,” Erica said, waiting until I lifted my head to keep going. “I was thinking I’d like to make a donation to the oncology department. The nurses and doctors were amazing, and I want to let them know how much I appreciate everything they did for me. Would you…”
It was the first thing Erica had asked of me.
Even when her ex left her, she hadn’t asked me to take her in and help; I’d simply done it.
She’d never asked me to review her bloodwork or take her to appointments.
She hadn’t asked me to figure out Lila’s preschool or hire nannies to watch her.
But she was asking me to make a donation.
And it was so Erica, to think of everyone else when she should be celebrating herself.
“Of course,” I said. “Anything you want.”
Her smile reminded me of our childhood. After Gracie died, I mostly felt like the biggest piece of shit in the world.
But Erica had a way of dragging me out of the darkness and reminding me there was some life worth living.
She’d make me play with her, or drag me to her softball games, or convince me that one of her friends had a desperate crush on me just so I’d leave my room.
Whenever I did what she asked, she’d give me that exact smile.
She was the only one who treated me like I mattered.
After everything happened, I was like a leper in our community.
I was the one who’d dragged Gracie to the neighbor’s pool.
I was the reason she died. But Erica never blamed me for it.
She still treated me like I was her hero of a big brother, even though I didn’t deserve it.
Didn’t deserve it then, and I didn’t deserve it now.
“Thank you,” she said.
I nodded, throat sore and tight. “Have you told Lila?”
“Not yet. I’m thinking we can take her out for ice cream to celebrate.”
We did just that. The heat of the day was oppressive even as the news of Erica’s remission lightened my heart.
Late summer always reminded me of Gracie.
It was always when things went wrong in my life.
But now, for once, something had gone right.
I tried to hold that truth in my heart, in my hands, tried to really feel it, but it was like trying to catch dissipating smoke.
I wasn’t worthy of the gratitude and relief I should’ve been feeling.
I watched Lila bounce in her seat, so happy her mom was healthy again, and I thought of the little sister I’d lost.
Why was I here when Gracie was not? Why had I lived and managed to build a business, build my wealth, and Gracie was just a headstone in a cemetery, a collection of memories in a handful of people’s minds? Why should I get to be happy at all?
I was relieved my sister had beaten her disease for my sister and Lila’s sake—but, selfish asshole that I was, I was also relieved for mine.
Erica would live, and I wouldn’t be responsible for my niece’s life.
My sister would continue to be the amazing mom she’d always been, and I could back away.
I could take care of them financially, make sure Lila went to the best school and Erica got the best care, but the burden of Lila’s upbringing, health, and well-being wouldn’t be on my shoulders.
It wasn’t a responsibility I was capable of bearing.
Deena knew it; that was why she’d left. And she was better off.
Deena, who was strong and intelligent and driven.
Who could take on the world. Who would know how to raise a child right and wouldn’t mess it up like I would.
I’d do for my son what I could do for my sister and niece.
I’d give him money, make sure he didn’t want for anything, but I wouldn’t poison him with my presence.
“What are you thinking about?” Erica asked. Lila had finished her ice cream and was playing on the monkey bars in the park where we’d stopped to have our treat.
I wasn’t going to answer that question with complete honesty and face my sister’s pity.
Instead, I shook my head. “I was just thinking about how I need to talk to my lawyer about…” I trailed off and cleared my throat.
“About the baby. So he’s taken care of. I need to change my will and put some money aside for his education. ”
Erica watched me. “Have you reached out to Deena? How’s she doing?”
I shrugged. “She doesn’t want to talk to me.”
“Are you sure?”
My throat tightened to the point of pain. I licked my ice cream and pretended it tasted good. My eyes followed Lila as she slid down a slide and ran around to climb up and do it again.
“She doesn’t want to talk to me,” I said. “And it’s for the best.”
Erica said nothing. My ice cream melted and dripped over my fingers. I threw the rest of it out, the sweetness turning bitter on my tongue. We watched Lila play in silence. Then Erica called her back, and we walked home together.
That evening, when I was at the desk in my home office working until the sky was dark and brooding outside, my sister found me again. I looked up to see her in the doorway, studying me. Her expression was unreadable.
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m worried about you, Cal.”
I clicked my tongue. “Not this again, Erica. Not when today was a good day.”
“I’m worried about what’s going to happen when we move out.”
I pushed back from my desk, hands landing on the arms of my chair and squeezing. “Move out? Move out where?”
“Move out home,” my sister said. She entered the office and took a seat across from me. “I don’t need to go to the hospital every week anymore. I got the all-clear.”
“You want to move out?”
“I want to go home, Cal.”
I blinked at her. She didn’t want to be here. I fought to keep my breathing steady, to hide the pain slicing through my chest. She was leaving—like Deena. Like Gracie. Like every assistant. Like everyone. My presence was toxic, and Erica knew it.
She tried to soften the blow, even though we both knew the truth.
“This place is beautiful. And your staff are wonderful, but it feels like I’m in a fishbowl sometimes.
They creep around and clean up after me, but they hardly talk to me like I’m a person.
I just want to be able to wear my pajamas and eat popcorn at midnight without someone calling me Ms. Frost and asking me if I need anything else. ”
“They’re just doing their job.” And I’d trained them to perform at the highest level.
“And they’re great at it. But this isn’t home.”
I remembered the way Deena had gone back to her shitty little apartment as soon as I was out of town. It hadn’t made sense to me then, and this didn’t make sense to me now. They both said the word “home” as if it meant somewhere else. Somewhere away from me.
I sucked in a hard breath, then exhaled slowly. “Okay,” I said. “Of course. What do you need?”
“I love you, Cal. You know that, right? You’re the best big brother I could have asked for.”
I scoffed. That was a lie, and we both knew it. “I’ll help you move out. I’m guessing you want to go before Lila starts at school?”
My sister got up, came around the desk, and wrapped her arms around my shoulders. She rested her cheek against my head and held me while I sat utterly still. Then she let me go, looked at me for a moment, and walked out.
I listened to her footsteps fade. She would be gone soon. Just like everyone else. What would I have left?
Pain leaked out of the iron box where I’d locked it away. I clamped down harder, forcing my emotions to bend to my will. Gripping my chair, I took deep breaths until I had mastered myself again. Then I refocused on my computer and got back to work.