Chapter 16
ANGELA
Christmas Eve was magical. Hudson came to my rescue, helping me with Ayla's bike, then insisting I join him for church and later at his family gathering.
Everyone was so welcoming. For the first time in a long time, I felt part of something bigger than just my two-person family.
My family was small. Everyone else traveled to visit extended family on the holidays, but it was always just us.
I longed for something bigger, for a family that was large and boisterous, and spending time with the Sterlings only enhanced that desire.
But it was that moment in the kitchen, when Hudson was eating bites of cookies and drinking milk to make it looked like Santa had been here, that melted my heart.
He cared about my daughter. He wanted to give her a good experience. For once, I wasn't shouldering the burden of the perfect holiday by myself.
He was in it with me, and the best part was that he seemed to be enjoying it. I could have pretended that it was just a friend offering help until he came around the counter, his gaze heated.
My heart had skipped a beat when he raised his hand, hovering in the air between us as if he was asking permission to touch me. It was the sweetest gesture, but I couldn't wait any longer.
I curled my hand around his neck and pressed my mouth to his. I had no idea what it meant, but I wanted to feel his lips on mine. And he'd tasted like cookies and hope.
I was content being a single mother and building my business. But Hudson made me want more for myself, someone to share my days with.
I'd lain awake far longer than I should have after he'd left last night. He'd helped me arrange the presents, waiting patiently while I filled Ayla's stocking.
And there was something in his gaze when he saw her stocking hanging on the mantle. It had given me a full-body tingle.
But I wouldn't let myself dream about more. I was going to be practical and see what he wanted first.
Last night, he'd said he wanted me. But maybe that was the magic of Christmas Eve. He wanted to be with someone, and I was convenient. No one wanted to be alone during the holidays.
I wasn't sure how he'd ever felt alone with five siblings. He probably always had someone to spend time with. But there was something different about finding your person, the one you were supposed to spend your life with.
And maybe he longed for a connection like that.
It had taken forever to fall asleep, and dawn came much too quickly. I heard Ayla's footsteps coming down the hall and pretended to be asleep.
Ayla paused by the side of my bed. "Santa came."
I opened one eye. "Did you look?"
Her expression was sheepish. "I couldn't wait. Can we open presents now?"
The time was early, but it was getting light out, so I nodded. "Give me a second in the bathroom."
Ayla ran down the hallway while I got out of bed and padded to the bathroom. I peed, then brushed my teeth and hair.
I remembered to grab my phone, wanting to capture her reaction to a favorite present. But this morning, she'd see her bike first, and I couldn't wait to see her reaction.
She ran down the stairs, pulling me with her. And when she jumped onto the landing, she squealed. "My bike!"
She touched the handlebar and then remembered I'd want a picture. She turned and posed with a huge smile so I could get the shot. Then she threw her leg over the bike, tapping the bell. I snapped a few more pictures. Then I sent an image to Hudson with a caption.
Angela: Thank you for making her Christmas.
He didn't respond right away, but it was early. No one without kids was awake yet. I hit the button on my coffee machine, then came back to the living room to take more pictures.
I curled up on the couch with a blanket, wishing that I had someone to share this with. It seemed like there should be more people here to share in the joy.
I thought back to last night at the Sterlings' house. I bet their Christmas mornings growing up were crazy and chaotic. And filled with so much joy and love.
Not that I wasn't having a wonderful morning, but there was something about sharing it with someone. What if Ayla had a sibling? What if I had someone sitting next to me on this couch?
Hudson: I wish I could have been there.
I hovered my fingers over the keys. It would be crazy to invite him.
Angela: She squealed as soon as she saw it.
Hudson: It was worth it to see her smile.
I wasn't sure what else there was to say. He'd helped me, and I'd sent him a picture of her joy. He'd kissed me, but we hadn't talked about what it meant. Were we dating?
Even if we were, you didn't necessarily see a new boyfriend on the holidays. You spent it with your family. Except mine wasn't here.
I snapped more pictures, watching as the wrapping paper piled up and covered the floor.
"You know what we need?" Ayla asked, her expression serious.
"A housekeeper?" I joked, even as my heart yearned for someone to be by my side.
She rolled her eyes. "A dog."
"Yeah, that would be something, wouldn't it? I'd bet he or she would love to play in the paper."
"We should get one."
"Remember this isn't our home. We're just here temporarily," I said gently.
She nodded. "I want to live in a house like this. There's so much space, and we can have a real tree."
"It is special." Hudson wasn't charging us market value for rent, and I had no idea what a house like this would even go for. I was positive it was more than I could afford. "The apartment is convenient. We can walk to work, your bus, and restaurants."
"It is nice."
But she wanted more. I should have given her everything she wanted, and she was just asking for what most kids already had, a home. Not a rental. A real home with a backyard and a dog. "What do you think Dad is doing?"
I laughed softly. "Sleeping? I don't know."
Her lower lip protruded.
She understood that parents didn't hang out when they were divorced. But I think she wanted to see him more. He wasn't interested in sharing experiences like this with her, and that was his loss.
He spent some time with her, and we should be grateful for that. He paid child support. He was a better dad than most. But he wasn't what Ayla needed, and that's why I divorced him.
I wanted a man to be all in with his daughter. To want to pick out presents and wrap them on Christmas Eve. Hudson had been here, and Ayla wasn't even his.
If Ayla's own father couldn't be the man she needed him to be, then why would someone else step into that role? That seemed unlikely to me, even as my mind drifted to last night.
Hudson: Merry Christmas.
Angela: Merry Christmas to you too!
There was something about texting him this morning that felt intimate. He wouldn't be talking to me if he didn't want to, if he didn't think that what we had was special, right?
Hudson: Will you please tell Ayla I'm wishing her a Merry Christmas?
My hands trembled as I texted my response.
Angela: Of course.
"Ayla—" I waited for her to look at me. "Hudson says Merry Christmas."
Her face lit up. "Can we call him?"
"I'm sure he's busy," I said as she grabbed my phone, the sound of it ringing filled the room. It was on speaker. I knew he wasn't sleeping but still, he could be in bed. Or getting ready to go to his family's home.
He answered. "Hello."
"Merry Christmas! Did you see my bike?" She swung the phone wildly.
"Your mom sent me a picture."
It must have been on video, because she angled the camera so he could see the tree and the bike.
"What else did you get?" I heard Hudson ask her.
Ayla sat cross-legged on the floor and calmly told him about every present she'd unwrapped.
I couldn't help but think about the fact that Gus had never done anything like this. He didn't even call her on the holiday. Gus said he didn't want to interrupt her day. As if her father was an interruption and not a necessary person in her life.
"You got a lot of good presents. Which one is your favorite?"
The deep baritone of his voice filled the empty space, settling deep in my chest, somewhere near my heart.
"The bike," she said as if it were obvious.
"It's a nice bike. You plan on taking it for a spin?"
She nodded. "Yeah. Probably later."
Ayla tossed me the phone, and I fumbled it before lifting it to see his face.
It looked like he was resting against a pillow. My face heated. Was he in bed? Was his chest bare? I thought the answer was yes and yes.
He smiled. "She seems happy."
I smiled too. "It's Christmas morning."
"Yeah, I can remember the excitement. It was the best feeling in the world. Wondering what you were going to get and unwrapping it. Only to have your brother snatch it from you and play with it first."
I laughed at that. "I didn't have that problem, and neither does Ayla."
"She's lucky. Brothers are a pain."
Ayla sat next to me, sticking her face into the camera view. "I told Mom we should get a dog."
She grabbed the phone and scanned the space. "Don't you think it would look good here."
"A puppy would fit right in. Are you getting one?"
Ayla rolled her eyes. "Mom says no because we live in an apartment. But when we get a house, we could. Right, Mom?"
"Of course." My heart squeezed because I wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to afford one. Prices kept rising even as I saved whatever I could.
"Dogs are great. But you have to walk and feed them."
Ayla nodded. "I'm very responsible."
I touched her hair. "You are."
"What are you doing today?" Ayla refocused on Hudson.
He folded an arm behind his head, making his bicep bulge. "I'll head over to my family's at some point. Mom makes a big dinner in the afternoon."
"That sounds nice."
"What are you going to do?" Hudson asked.
"We have a lazy day planned of playing with new toys and eating the cookies your mom sent."
"You aren't going anywhere for dinner?"
"We'll stay here." I hoped he didn't say anything about how sad it was to spend the day alone, or just the two of us. I was used to it growing up, but it still felt like something was missing.
"Maybe you'll have a visitor later."
Ayla bounced on the couch cushion. "Are you coming over to see my bike?"
"I want to see the bike, you, and your mother."
"Oh, I'm sure you'll be too busy with your family," I said, taking the phone from Ayla. "We don't want to keep you."
I didn't want him to make promises he couldn't keep. I was all-too familiar with expecting my ex to do things and him never coming through. We would spend the day together, and it would be fine. I didn't need empty promises.
Hudson's eyes widened. "I don't have to be at my parents for a bit—"
"I'm sure you're busy today." I got up and moved toward the kitchen, refilling my coffee mug. "And I have to make breakfast."
"I'll let you enjoy your day then. Merry Christmas, Angela."
"Merry Christmas," I said, refusing to look at his face.
I took a few deep breaths, aware that I was trembling. I wanted what he was offering. I wanted to look forward to him showing up. But I didn't want to get my hopes up only to be disappointed. And I especially didn't want that for Ayla. She deserved better.
I'd always be here for her. I was the person she could count on. Everyone else was a wild card. Even men who waited patiently while your daughter rattled off every present they got on Christmas morning.