Chapter 40
Miles
It’s been two days since Millie was born.
Two days of staring at her through the incubator walls instead of holding her in my arms. Two days of watching Penny force herself to stand and walk through pain just to spend every possible second near our daughter.
Fuck, I’m exhausted.
But the thought of leaving Penny and Millie here to go home and sleep feels impossible.
The doctors and nurses have been incredible. They told us Millie will probably stay here for around six weeks until her lungs get strong enough for her to breathe on her own.
Six weeks. The number keeps replaying in my head, no matter how hard I try not to think about it.
But as long as she’s here, we are too.
Penny is asleep right now, but I know she’s still in shock.
Hell, we both are.
After the anesthesia wore off, the doctor offered her a Percocet, but she insisted on only Tylenol.
When I asked her why, she looked me dead in the eyes and said, “Because I want to be alert for Millie. From what I read, Percocet can make you too groggy, and I don’t want that.”
She said it with so much determination that I didn't have it in me to argue with her.
I wanted to tell her it was okay to take the stronger meds. That it was okay to admit she was hurting.
But I didn’t say any of it.
Because I’m doing the exact same thing.
Penny’s being the badass she’s always been for our daughter, and I’m trying to hold it all in for both of them.
But fuck.
This whole thing shook me in ways I still can’t explain.
Everything we planned for the last weeks of her pregnancy got thrown out the window. The nursery. The baby shower Mama was secretly planning. Watching Penny waddle around while I annoyed her by kissing her belly every five minutes.
Now the only plan is to survive.
My phone vibrates in my pocket, pulling me from my thoughts.
I wipe a stray tear sliding down my cheek before inhaling deeply through my nose, forcing myself to get it together.
I don’t have time to fall apart.
When I glance down at the screen, a message from River pops up.
River: Hey, I know this is a stupid question, but how are you both doing?
Is there anything I can help with? Hell, is there anything anyone in the family can do?
I don’t mind staying in the waiting room for as long as you need me, but fuck, say something, Miles.
None of us can even begin to imagine what you both are going through and we don’t want you to go through it alone. You have us. All of us.
I huff out a little laugh as I read River’s message. Trust my grumpy-ass brother to sound threatening and supportive at the same time.
Before I can think too hard about it, I fire off a quick reply.
Miles: Thanks, man. I really appreciate it! You can go home. I have a feeling this first week is going to be a blur for Penny and me, and there’s no reason any of you should put your lives on pause just to sit with us. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes.
River: You know the family won’t stay sitting around while you and Penny need us.
Miles: I’m telling you, there’s nothing any of you can do. Penny is trying to get her milk flowing so she can feed Millie and I’m trying not to lose my shit seeing my woman so fragile. And my daughter literally fighting for her life.
River: Shit. Okay. Love you, man. Just keep us posted.
Fuck. I didn’t mean to go off on River, but I feel like a ticking time bomb. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep all this shit inside for my girls’ sake.
I look at her sleeping, her eyes moving wildly behind her eyelids. She’s so restless.
Even though I’m tired as fuck and would love to stretch out in our bed and hold her tight to me, I’ve been sleeping on the couch in the hospital room. I can’t bring myself to leave her alone.
I’m just tired from stress and lack of sleep.
Penny went through a major surgery, gave birth seven weeks early, and now she’s trying to recover while pumping milk every few hours and walking back and forth to the NICU.
And she still keeps going.
It’s been hard as fuck not bringing Millie home. Hard not being able to spoil Penny the way I pictured. Taking night shifts so she could rest. Changing diapers while she took a break. Falling asleep together with our daughter between us.
Fuck.
I scrub a hand over my face before the tears can fall again.
“Miles?” Penny’s groggy voice snaps my attention her way.
I blink quickly to clear any moisture left in my eyes before standing from the couch.
“Yes, boss?” I ask, trying my best to sound normal.
“What time is it?” she murmurs. “Do I need to pump again?”
I glance at my phone.
Six twenty-eight in the morning. She woke up two minutes before the alarm.
“Just about,” I say softly. “I’ll get everything ready for you.”
I lean down and give her a soft kiss, but just as I’m about to walk away, her hand fists around in my shirt.
“Stay with me for a few minutes,” she whispers.
I don’t even think before slowly climbing onto the bed beside her, terrified of hurting her without meaning to.
When she folds herself against me, I wrap my arms around her and hold on tight.
“I’m so tired, baby,” she whispers against my throat. “I’m so fucking tired of not being able to sleep in the same bed as you. Not having my bathroom and my things—our things. Tired of not being home with you and Millie.”
Her voice cracks on Millie’s name, and I close my eyes.
“I know, sugar,” I murmur, rubbing my hand slowly up and down her back. “I know.”
She presses her face harder into my neck like she’s trying to disappear there.
“And I feel like the worst mom in the world for complaining, because she’s fighting so hard already, but fuck, who thought producing milk would be so hard.” A broken laugh slips out of her. “I feel like my body isn’t even mine anymore.”
I press my mouth against her hair, breathing her in while my chest burns so bad it physically hurts.
When I used to think about pain, I thought about losing Dad. I thought nothing could ever touch that kind of grief again.
But this? Watching the two people I love most struggle while I stand here useless?
This is a whole different kind of hell.
So I just hold her while she cries against me, and after a minute, I realize I’m crying too.
Eventually, her breathing settles, her fingers caressing my back over my shirt.
“I think I need to pump,” she says, calmer now.
“But I’m so comfy here, snuggling with you,” I complain, tightening my arms around her for another second before burying my nose against her neck.
She smells sweet and fruity. And like home.
A tiny laugh leaves her.
“You should’ve thought about all the snuggles we’d lose before deciding to go bare inside me.”
There she is.
My girl.
I pull back enough to look at her and catch that mischievous spark back in her eyes for the first time since Millie was born.
“It’s alright, sugar.” I grin and help her off the bed. “If we have to wait eighteen years for me to fuck your brains out again, I’ll happily wait.”
She gasps as she follows me toward the bathroom. “Would you really wait that long?”
I snort while grabbing the pump pieces from the counter.
“That’s not what I said. We’ll still have sex all the time.” I glance at her over my shoulder. “We’ll just have to be more quiet.”
Her laughter bounces around the room, and I love seeing her happy. Even if it’s for a fraction of a second.
“I love you, Miles. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Good thing you’ll never have to figure that out, boss.”