Chapter 4 Lily
Standing in the doorway of Mom’s room, I see that Mom’s already made a huge mess. She’s in the closet throwing things left and right, creating even more chaos in the usually messy space.
Not sparing me a glance, Mom suddenly stops and reaches for something near the back of the closet. When I see the black fabric in her arms, I shake my head silently to myself and turn to leave.
Before I go, something catches my eye on the closet floor, a manila envelope, half buried under a pile of discarded heels, edges soft like it’s been handled and re handled dozens of times.
I don’t touch it. I don’t need to. I’ve seen enough late night television to recognize the shape of a stack of cash through paper when it’s staring me in the face, and whatever that envelope holds, it isn’t grocery money.
She’s gotten what she was looking for and now she’ll move on as if it never happened. Until the next thing goes missing, that is. I can only imagine what it’ll be next. Maybe she’ll accuse me of stealing her favorite perfume.
The raven haired woman ignores me completely, stepping out of her room, only pausing at the entrance to the apartment to fasten a gold chain around her neck.
A necklace that my grandmother specifically left to me, but my mom acts as if it’s entirely normal.
What the hell? She must have gone into my room, dug through my jewelry box, and taken the necklace, knowing full well that it’s mine.
Yet, she’s acting like nothing’s wrong, like all’s well in the world.
God, what did I do to deserve this? That necklace is the only thing I own that isn’t secondhand or bought with my own tip money, the only piece of my grandmother I have left since she passed before I was old enough to really remember her voice, just the warmth of her hands and the smell of her kitchen.
Mom knows exactly what it means to me. That’s probably half the reason she took it.
And finally, mom acknowledges my existence.
“I’m going to a birthday party at the Groove,” she says, emphasizing the name of the venue.
“Have fun,” I tell her, focusing my attention on the program displaying on the tiny television.
The Groove is one of those places I’ve heard whispered about more than actually discussed, a club on the edge of downtown that never seems to have trouble with the health inspector or the liquor board, no matter what goes on in its back rooms after midnight.
Kids at school say it’s connected, though nobody ever says connected to what, exactly, just that you don’t ask too many questions if you’re lucky enough to get past the guy at the door.
My mother goes there like it’s her second living room.
I’ve stopped wondering what that says about the company she keeps.
“What are you up to tonight?” Mom asks randomly.
She never asks me about my plans so I can’t help being caught off guard.
“The usual,” I answer slowly. “Nothing you’d be interested in.”
She pauses to look at me closely and it seems like she wants to say something else. Her mouth snaps shut, and I’m thankful because I don’t think I could take another one of her insults tonight.
Her phone rings again just before the door shuts behind her, and I catch three words through the gap before it clicks closed, “I’m getting it”, in a voice pitched lower and more frightened than I’ve heard from her in years.
I stand there a second too long, keys still in my hand, replaying the tone of it.
My mother doesn’t get scared. My mother gets angry, or bored, or vain, but she doesn’t get scared, not like that.
Whatever she’s into this time, it’s different from the usual mess.
I tell myself it isn’t my problem, the way I tell myself a lot of things about her that I don’t actually believe.
Sighing, I walk into my room and strip down to nothing. In my full length mirror, I examine my plump curves and the peaks and valleys of my body.
I may not be a stick thin model like mom. Sometimes when I’m not being too hard on myself I think my curves are beautiful, and someone will appreciate them. Someday. Even if it feels like it’ll never happen.
Patience, Lily, the voice in my head speaks. Prince Charming is coming soon enough.
I snort. Yeah, right. There are no guys on white horses. More like my dream boyfriends will be keeping me company again tonight.
Grabbing my robe, I head to the only bathroom in the apartment. After a long, steamy shower, my muscles have relaxed quite nicely, and I change into my favorite comfy pajamas. In the mirror above my dresser, I pull my dark hair into a messy bun atop my head.
My full cheeks are flushed and blotchy from the long day, eyes decidedly dull.
Because working as a waitress at an ever busy restaurant is no easy feat, but somebody’s got to pay the bills.
Of course, I’d love nothing more than to leave the crappy job but the truth is that it’s not possible, not by a long shot.
I’m paying all of our expenses, Mom doesn’t barely contribute except for rent and her shopping spree, and who knows when I’d find another job?
The economy sucks, and a paycheck is nothing to scorn at especially since I need to save as much as I can.
As soon as I graduate high school, I will have to work two or three jobs to make up for the money that mom has been taking from me.
Although it will never be enough but at least it will get me somewhere.
So with my mug of tea in hand, I settle on the plush, comfy couch and retrieve my favorite romance novel from the side table.
Hey, a girl can dream, right?
Nothing to report, nothing exciting, but it’s my life, and it’s not bad. I wish something were different for sure, but how? After all, I’m just me and it seems impossible to make a change.
My mind drifts to a tall, dominating alpha male. I wouldn’t care if he wanted to fuck me backwards, forwards, on the side, or upside down. I’d be happy as long as … well, you know. I want him to be massively huge, down below the belt.
So with a secret smile on my face, I let go for the first time all day, my hand creeping down to my pussy, stroking those soft folds.
Unnnh, oh fuck it’s good, and my pussy juices stream.
Shit, I always have so much cream, and struggling out of my panties, I looked down at myself.
Sure enough, my slit’s already bright pink, lips puffy and full, beginning to drip.
Leaning back on the couch again, I tease myself, legs spread as my eyes flutter shut.
Unnnh, Noah. Yes, Daddy, give it to me. Yes, Daddy take me, feed me that cock, and fuck me so good.
Because the truth is, I’ve never been with a man, but it’s coming for sure.
There’s a guy out there who’s ready to fuck me, who’s ready to take a curvy virgin, and that man is Noah, it’s just a matter of time.
So what if I’m home alone tonight, masturbating to the thought of an older man?
So what if I’m thinking of Noah, letting an imaginary Noah taste my insides?
I know the man of my dreams is coming and with a sigh, shudder and gasp, I give in to the pleasure and dream of what I hope is to come soon.
My snatch creams wetly, cream splashing hard and I cry out once more, back arching off the bed.
Oh god yes. Come to me Daddy. Come to your Lily …
because I can’t wait any longer, my pussy needs you.
Afterward, curled up under my blanket with my heartbeat still slowing, I let myself imagine, just for a minute, what it would be like to have somewhere else to be tomorrow morning besides this house. Somewhere with him in it.