Chapter 1
“Mummy, is it time to go yet?” Jess asks for the hundredth time. My little thing is excited about starting school. This school visit has been all she has talked about over the last few days.
She is jumping up and down, fidgeting - she can't keep still with excitement. She’s my little mini-me, with her long red hair and green eyes - she looks exactly like I did when I was her age.
My heart hurts that she's starting school, my baby is growing up too quickly.
She's full of excitement, whereas I'm full of anxiety. Anxiety that she’ll settle in okay and make new friends, that she’ll cope with the separation from me.
The truth is, I'm not handling it well, but I'm trying not to let it show.
I check out the window for signs of her dad.
We need to be leaving soon – the open afternoon begins in fifteen minutes.
The other children who’ll be starting in reception class with her will be there this afternoon.
It’s to help them settle in so that it won't be daunting for them - it's the first time they’ll meet each other.
“It’s nearly time to go, sweetheart, get your coat on - Daddy will be here any time.
” I search out of the window again, wondering if Patrick's partner, Gary, will come too. I have no issues with Gary. I’ve grown fond of him, and he’s a natural with Jessica, but for a first-time meeting, everyone will be wondering what our family dynamics are, although they’ll find out sooner or later - might as well be sooner.
So yes, my ex-husband - Jess's father - is gay. We were happy, or so I thought, and I loved him and had no idea he was gay. Looking back, it was never the right kind of love with Patrick. I still remember the day he told me.
Kate, I’m sorry, but I can't carry on like this. It’s not good for you, Jess or me. I have a different life to lead, one different from this one. I'm sorry, but what I'm going to tell you is going to hurt you, but there’s nothing I can do about it.
I thought when I heard that, he was going to tell me he was having an affair, or that he’d cheated on me, but then I was hit with the bombshell.
I... I think I'm gay.
I was shocked - he’d never given me any sign that he was gay.
Once he’d left and I dissected our relationship, I realised we didn’t have the right kind of relationship at all.
We were friends — best friends — who barely had any intimate contact whatsoever.
I didn’t realise, thought we’d fallen into a rut.
That’s what every couple goes through, right? Actually no.
I can't stop these feelings and thoughts. The truth is, I think I've been in denial for years, and I can't carry on like this – I'm existing, not living.
That hurt, cutting deep because I didn’t feel like I was just existing, I was happy.
I had my little family, I had my baby girl, and I was happy.
Patrick and I never fought. I didn’t know that zero passion wasn’t right in a marriage.
Truth is, we could easily have been two roommates raising a child together.
I'm hurting you, I get that – if I could change it, I would. I can't say that I would do things any differently, because if I had, I wouldn’t have Jess. So, I don’t have any regrets, except that if I could have done this without hurting you, I would have.
You’re my best friend, and I’m worried I'm going to lose that, but I don’t want to hide who I am anymore. I can't.
I was devastated. He shattered my idyllic family setting, the three of us together.
I had an idea of the life I wanted for Jess, but he spoiled that for me.
What I know now is that it doesn’t have to be conventional to work.
I wanted a happy family unit. I hated him for a time, for being with me at all, if he always felt he was hiding these feelings.
I'm over it now, so over it, I believe he did the right thing.
I've never had the hot sex they describe in romance books I read, well, maybe once, many years ago, with a rugby player.
It wasn't like that with Patrick. Perhaps I’ll never get that now - the romance, the yearning, the sex, being swept off my feet.
I want that, all of it - I was settling with Patrick, and for getting me out of that, I have to thank him.
Jess is happy and used to how things are.
I do still find it hard to deal with the fact that we’re not ‘conventional’ anymore, but she was too young to realise what was happening when we split, she was only two, this is normal life for her.
The two of us are at home, and Daddy is with Gary, whom she adores.
She loves staying at her dad's, they treat her like a princess.
That’s how it is for me now. I got to keep our semi-detached house.
He helps with Jess - we have a good relationship.
He has her two evenings a week, where he collects her from school, she stays over, and he takes her to school in the morning.
He also has her every other weekend, but we’re flexible with each other.
I hate it when she’s away from me. She loves going to her dad's, but it's as though I’ve lost a limb when she’s not at home.
She’s such a good kid, and now as she’s getting older, I have a little friend.
Hmmm, the rugby player - that was a hot night - but he couldn't get away fast enough - I wonder now, because it was so long ago, have I built it up in my head to be something it’s not – something fantastic?
It was by far the best sex of my life. I still think of that night sometimes.
It’s a rare man who cares that you come first, that you’re enjoying yourself.
After my first experience, I thought that men only cared about getting off – but he was everything that I’d always thought that the perfect man would be, gentle, rough, tender, masterful - but he left before I woke.
I thought we had something — what an idiot I was.
I was young and na?ve. I can’t imagine a guy like that ever settling down or changing.
Patrick’s car pulls up, bringing me back to the here and now. We make our way outside as he gets out of the car.
“Hiya, Jessie!” he shouts, and she runs to him, giving him a big hug. I watch them both together, she doesn’t resemble him – he’s so blond that his hair is nearly white, and he's a slim build, around 5’10. I say ‘hi’ to him, turn, and grab my bag and lock the front door.
We park - I get butterflies, but Jess is taking it in her stride.
I wish I could be as laid-back as she is sometimes, well, most of the time.
The hall is busy and noisy, with adults and children mingling.
There’s a table set at the front of the room with tea and coffee facilities, so while Pat takes Jess off to meet the other children, I go to get us a tea.
As I'm about to walk away, I hear an unfamiliar voice.
“Hey, Kate.”
I turn around, and my mouth drops open. There, standing right in front of me, is an older - but still handsome as hell - Nathan Harris.
Oh shit. I crane my neck to check him out.
Still huge, and broad, and that lovely floppy hair that cries out for fingers to delve in it.
His brown eyes are smiling as he grins down at me, making his dimples put in an appearance.
I was just thinking about him – how weird.
I haven’t seen this guy for ten years. How does he still remember my name?
I get flustered - I've been staring.
“Oh, er… um, hello. How are you doing, Nathan?” Real cool, Kate. I glance around, searching for answers. Is he a dad? “What are you doing here?”
He smirks at me as if to say, ‘What do you think I’m doing here?’ Smart arse. “My daughter’s starting school here in September.”
Fuck. My stomach plummets. I’m going to be seeing a lot of him.
“Oh, right, mine too.”
“It’s been a long time - got to be ten years, hasn’t it?” he asks.
“Yeah, I guess.”
Something flashes in his eyes - he's remembering our night together. “You look as amazing now as you did then, Kate… even more so.” His light blue eyes twinkle, and I get a tingling sensation in my stomach - he still has the power to do that to me, then. Great.
He asks, “Who are you here with? Your husband?”
“My ex-husband and my daughter. How about you?”
Something fleeing passes on his face - could it have been relief? “Just me and my girl, Lucia. Her mum isn’t around.” Hmm, I wonder where she is.
“You’re raising her alone?” I ask him.
He nods, “Yeah, with the help of my family and my in-laws.” He looks right into my eyes and smiles softly at me, “It’s great to see you again.” His gaze rakes down my body to my feet and back up again. Why do I suddenly feel naked?
He carries on, “You look really good.” He says quietly.
Uh oh, dangerous ground here, he's giving me the look. If the last time he met me is anything to go by, he probably presumes he can get a quickie from me whenever he wants, and who could blame him? From our history, he probably assumes I sleep around, he has no idea that he’s only one of three - I was easy and available to him last time.
I’m not that girl anymore, I never was really, except for him, but I’ve grown up, and being a mum comes before everything for me.
Jess changed me, and now she's the most important thing in my life.
Long gone are nights of booze, staying out all night and hook-ups.
My perfect night these days is curled up on the couch with her in our pyjamas, watching a Disney film.
The headteacher starts to talk, asking us to take our seats.
We both remember that we’re in a school hall right now, so I give him a parting smile and take a seat next to Patrick, who’s already sitting.
Nathan is watching me as I sit, but I purposely don’t look at him.
I'm glad I made an effort with my outfit.
I'm wearing a navy, knee-length, fitted sundress with tiny pink flowers.
I have my hair tied in a loose knot on top of my head, wedges, and a little makeup – I wanted to make a good impression on the other parents.
Shit . . . I can’t believe I’ll be seeing him every day; I assume he’ll be doing the school run.
I can’t help but be attracted to him, every female everywhere would fancy this guy - that’s the problem - he gets offered it too easily, or did back in the day anyway – it was a long time ago, but he seems to have matured even better.
What is it about men that they get better with age, while women have to work harder to appear younger?
I have to keep my distance. He’s charming, he could charm the pants off any girl, and that’s something you don’t lose.
I'm not the same girl that I was ten years ago, crushing on a rugby player who had the ability to break my heart. He may not have broken my heart, but he definitely had the power to do that, if he’d have wanted to… if he’d have wanted me. But he didn’t.
After the headteacher finished his talk, they brought the children back into the school hall.
Jess comes back into the room, holding a little girl’s hand.
That’s a good sign, maybe she’s already made a friend.
Hope fills my heart that she's going to be OK.
I'm so proud of her right now. The little girl she’s with is gorgeous, with olive skin, black hair, and big, dark brown eyes.
She is so pretty. Jess sees us and comes running over.
“Mummy, mummy, I've made a lovely new friend.”
I smile at her, “Have you, sweetie? That’s lovely. What’s her name?”
Please don’t be Lucia, please don’t be Lucia, please don’t be Lucia.
“It's Lucia, mummy. Isn’t that a lovely name?”
Great.