Chapter 16
The following week, I go through life like a zombie when I'm not with Jess. When I'm with her, I go on autopilot Mummy - so that she won’t see there’s anything wrong.
But when she's at school, that's when I let it all out. I can't face anyone. Everyone is going to think that I am a first-class idiot, that I was someone to tide over time with until his true love came back. I'm sure that everyone in the schoolyard is laughing at me, everyone on his rugby team, their girlfriends – or that’s how it feels. I have never felt so low. I was low when Patrick told me he was leaving - but I wasn’t heartbroken - right now I’m heartbroken…
and angry, very angry and so foolish. When Jess was at her dad's this past weekend, I stayed in my pyjamas all day and ate junk food.
I binged-watched Netflix. Jess is the only one who's keeping me going.
I haven’t seen Nate or Nicki at school. Patrick has picked her up all week for me. I’ll have to face them sometime, but I can’t handle it right now.
Karen and Amanda came around as soon as I’d texted them what had happened.
Karen called him every name under the sun, but it was Amanda’s opinion that shocked me.
She asked me what I would do if the situation were reversed, knowing how important a solid family is to me.
She made me think. Would I have made the same decision as Nathan?
If Patrick told me he changed his mind, would I do it for Jess?
I suppose we’ll never know. It has put doubt in my mind, doubt that he isn't a total arsehole. I’d do anything for Jess.
Maybe he was doing the same for his daughter?
Throughout the week, I received a couple of texts from him, asking how I was and inquiring about how Jess had taken the news.
I ignore them. I told Jess that Lucia’s mummy is back, and they're going to try to be mummy and daddy again.
She said, “But mummy, Nate is your boyfriend, will you not be boyfriend and girlfriend anymore?” So I had to explain that no, we wouldn't, but that she would still see Lucia lots.
She hasn’t this week, though. I told her that Lucia is busy with her mummy for a couple of weeks – the truth is, I couldn’t handle it, seeing them together like a happy family.
I have to face them sometime, and everyone else in the playground who will probably look at me with pity. I'm on my way to pick up Jess, dreading who’ll be there to collect Lucia – I'm praying it's Nate’s mum.
No such luck.
When I round the corner, I see her - Lucia is the image of her, so I know it’s her.
She's different from anything I imagined – she seems normal. She’s quite short, with spikey dark hair, pointy little nose - elfin like.
I imagined a brassy tart, made up and dressed ready for clubbing - but she’s the opposite, wearing jeans and a leather jacket.
She doesn’t seem particularly friendly – not looking at any of the other parents, keeping herself to herself.
The mums that I've become friends with, Rose and Charlotte, come straight over when they notice me.
“Kate! We've missed you, glad to have you back.” Rosie says, putting her arm around me.
“Yeah, Kate. Where have you been?” Charlotte says
I’m unsure what to say, “I... I've not been great. Patrick’s been doing the school run.”
“We can guess why you've not been yourself. And I'm thrilled that you're here today. We can't believe what's happened.” Charlotte Says
“Yeah, we've got your back, hun,” Rosie says. “We need to go out for drinks, that's what we need to do. Cheer you up.”
I smile at them. Thankful that they're being upfront and kind. I didn't realise how much I needed their support in this playground until right now. I'm grateful to them for showing their solidarity. I loved them in that moment, giving me the strength I needed at that time.
The school doors open, and Lucia and Jess come running out together. Lucia is running towards her mum when she glances over in my direction and spots me. She bounds over, pleased to see me - it breaks my heart more.
She throws her arms around my hips in a hug “Kate, Kate, come and say hello to my mummy!” She grabs my hand and tries to drag me over to her.
Jess arrives at my side, and I bend to say hello and hug her as I take her bag.
I can feel Nicki’s eyes on me, appraising me, exactly like I had done with her, but without her realising.
She walks over to me. “So... you’re the famous Kate that I've been hearing so much about, are you?” She gives me a pinched smile that nowhere near makes it to her eyes, in fact, it makes her look like a cold bitch.
I smile, the biggest smile I can find in me. “You must be Nicki.”
I don’t say nice to meet you because that would be a lie. The other mums are glancing our way, but trying not to make it obvious... and failing. They know I was with Nate. I feel such a fool right now. I hate him for humiliating me in this way. Rosie is at my side with her son. Thank you, Rosie.
“Lucia never shuts up about you, and from what I understand, you and Nathan were an item while I was gone.”
“Yeah, we were... but not anymore,” I state matter-of-factly.
She snorts. “Well, of course not - I'm back - everything always changes when I'm back - but I guess you've found that out - and this time I'm back for good.”
“Ok, well, I'm sure I’ll be seeing more of you, bye.”
Rosie walks away with me, “What a fucking bitch.” She says under her breath to me so that the kids don't hear.
Too right she is. I want to punch her in the face. Maybe that would release this pent-up anger I've got bubbling inside - might get me in trouble with the headmistress, though.
I get to the school gates and my heart stops when I see him standing there, waiting for them, in his work gear - just like a family, like he did with me sometimes.
When his eyes meet mine, they look unhappy.
.. he seems unhappy. He looks like he hasn’t slept - his face is drawn.
He looks terrible. Good. If this is what being with Lucia’s mum does to him, is it worth it?
Maybe it’s because he’s awake all night having sex with her?
Why in the hell did I let my brain go there?
Nausea waves over me, and I immediately try to think about something else.
I take a deep breath and move forward, getting ready to walk past him - Nicki isn't far behind, and I don’t want a scene. I stare at the floor as I walk past him.
“Kate.” He prompts, I don’t look up. He grabs my arm; I try to pull it away, and reluctantly, my eyes go to his. “You haven’t texted me back, Kate . . . I . . . shit . . . I want to know how you are.”
I don’t get a chance to open my mouth to give him any response before I hear a voice from behind me.
Hers.
“Darling, I didn’t think you were picking her up today.
I've got a special evening planned for us when we get home.” She’s talking loudly for my benefit.
I wince at hearing her call it home, and he sees it, looking like he’s taken a punch.
He doesn’t seem happy about her being there…
maybe that’s wishful thinking, or perhaps he’s doing that for my benefit, whatever, he’s none of my business anymore anyway.
I make conversation with Jess, asking about her day, but I can feel his eyes burning into the back of me as I go.