Chapter 12 #2
“But why?” I asked. “Because instead of talking about what it’s like to fly a mission to space like a normal astronaut, you prefer to watch me spew my breakfast all across the universe?
I didn’t bring a change of clothes.” My voice was rising to near hysteria.
“How about Goofy’s Sky School? That’s so much more my speed. ”
He laughed, clearly at me. “Goofy’s Sky School?
Not a chance. We’re going to ride Space Mountain at least five times, and I’m planning to teach you all my astro-naughty tricks to conquer nausea.
I promise you’re going to love it. In fact, I will take it as a personal, relationship-killing insult if you don’t. ”
“Relationship?” I echoed, as if that were the most important word in the whole diatribe.
“Relationship,” he repeated, without the question mark, casually throwing his arm around my shoulder.
As we approached the gates to Disneyland, I repeated Frannie’s mantra and tried to let go of the fear that had become my constant companion since I lost Sam.
The first time we rode Space Mountain, my jaws were clenched, my brain swirled, and my stomach felt like it plunged a thousand miles in two seconds.
Max helped me wobble out of the car. We stopped to check out the photo automatically taken of us at the end of the ride.
My eyes were totally bugged out in sheer terror and I was greener than Kermit the Frog.
That was one photo we would definitely not be purchasing.
But when Max reached for my hand to return to the end of the line to do it all over again, for some reason, I didn’t object.
The next time, and the three times after that, I still screamed and my stomach still dropped.
But I didn’t want to be anywhere else. Max made me laugh.
He made me feel alive and adventurous simply for braving a silly roller coaster.
His tips and tricks to conquer nausea mostly worked.
And then it hit me that maybe what I was feeling right now wasn’t nausea at all—maybe it was chemistry.
During the drive back, we made small talk and I had the feeling Max was as content as I was.
Every now and then, he would reach over and squeeze my hand or graze my thigh in a way that managed to be sizzling and not-at-all creepy.
When we pulled up to the curb in front of the Peet’s where we’d started this date, I had an idea.
“Hey, I have to pick up Sam The Dog from Frannie’s apartment a few blocks from here.
Do you want to come up with me and meet her real quick? ”
“I’d love to another time,” he said without appearing to consider the invitation for even a nanosecond. “But I received a work email this afternoon that I have to deal with. Mind if I take a rain check?”
“No problem.” I tried not to read anything into it. Maybe it was too soon to meet the best friend. Hopefully I hadn’t scared him off. I felt like I’d forgotten all the rules of engagement around dating, if I ever really knew them in the first place.
He turned off the engine and pivoted to face me. “Thea, I had a great time today. Would you go out with me again? Like, soon?”
“I had a great time today, too,” I said quietly. Because I did. I really did. And I really wanted him to kiss me. But as Max leaned toward me, a most inconvenient thought popped into my mind: What if Max’s kiss reminded me of Sam’s? Or worse, what if it didn’t?
And then his lips were upon mine.
A pang of guilt ricocheted through me. It was nothing like kissing Sam. But it felt like a whole new world was dawning.
“I’ve been wanting to do that ever since I heard you laugh at the dog park,” he said and cupped my face with his hands. “You’re beautiful, and obviously so smart, and hella funny.”
“Oh yeah? Well, do you know what else I am?” I asked.
“No, what?” He cocked his head.
“Free tomorrow night.”
“Well, then, Thea.” His ear-to-ear grin made him look lit up from the inside.
“Until tomorrow.” He placed the keys in my palm and folded my fingers over one by one.
“I’ll text you in a few hours?” He sounded tentative, like even though I was putting it all out there, he was nevertheless expecting I might change my mind about this whole thing. It was pretty cute.
“I’ll look forward to it.” In fact, I already was.
He got out of the car and stood on the sidewalk with his hands in his pockets while I walked around to the driver’s side. As I got in, he motioned for me to lock the doors. I turned on the engine, and I watched him walk away. Then I drove to Frannie’s to retrieve my dog.
And who was I kidding? To dissect every second of this magical day.
I left Frannie’s apartment an hour later, still buzzing from her rousing pep talk and carrying a Ziploc filled with a shocking assortment of condoms. For several years now, I’d been living in the celibate world of princesses, fairies, and dinners with the parents of my deceased husband.
The last time I remembered having sex with a condom, Sam had presented me with two choices: ribbed or not ribbed.
Now, as Sam The Dog and I settled in for the evening, I dumped out the baggie on the kitchen table and marveled again at the multitude of options—warming, tingling pleasure, flavored (cola?
bacon? really?), and my favorite: glow-in-the-dark.
Because not only did that one feel “astro-naughty,” but also it had been so long for me that I feared I might need a beacon of light to find my way around down there.
I was working myself up into a frothy lather of anxiety and anticipation when I heard my computer’s telltale ding indicating a new email. I hadn’t given Max my email, but I hopped up to check it anyway. I should have known better.
From: Bronwyn Worthington
To: Thea Packer
CC: Harper Davies, Emily McCarthy
Subject: Great news!
Thea! The online book club—Readitandweep—posted a reel this afternoon that one of the hosts read and loved Mars.
They selected it as their July read! They have like 75,000 Insta followers.
We’re going to try to capitalize on the moment with a 3-day price drop to see if we can juice up sales and move you up in the algorithms!
Can you do your own cute Insta reel tomorrow and also blast out the promo through your newsletter (you do have one, right?), maybe we can get some other book influencers to jump on board the rocket ship— lol. Xx, B
I responded: Exciting news indeed! Glad to hear the book is being well received! I’m pretty lame when it comes to the socials, but I’ll definitely do my best! Xo Thea
There was nothing better for a writer than receiving praise, even if each compliment felt like the equivalent of a handful of confetti tossed into a canyon of insecurity.
But for me, it was also nearly impossible to remember a time when the excitement of a positive review, however fleeting, wasn’t tinged with fear.
Fear that fate would come for me again. Fear that maybe, possibly, it already had, in the form of one very handsome astronaut who did not yet know I’d written a book about a husband who gets hit by a car only to have my own husband die in an identical fashion two months after the book’s publication.
I wanted nothing more than to keep Max in the dark on this point for a little while longer.
I prayed the intensified glare of publicity wouldn’t unravel my charade before I was ready to share what had happened on my own terms.
Just then, Max called.
I waited an eternity. One ringtone cycle. And then I picked up. “Hey.”
“Hey yourself.” His voice was languid, like he was relaxing in the bath. “You got home OK?”
“I did, thank you for checking,” I said. “Did you get your work done?”
“I did, thank you for asking,” he said with a note of humor.
“I wasn’t expecting you to call,” I said.
“I was about to text, but then I really wanted to hear your voice.”
“Because it’s been so long?”
“I know, call me crazy. But two hours suddenly feels like forever.” He paused, then said, “So can I take you to dinner tomorrow night?”
“I’m so sorry. I totally spaced earlier.
I have an event tomorrow evening.” I thought about canceling, but Harper would kill me.
I also hadn’t told her about Max yet. What would she say when I did?
Even if I withheld from her that, until that first kiss, I’d been pretty sure Max might be some form of Sam reincarnated, she would still think it was worrisome that I was dating an astronaut, just like the writer in my book.
Besides, up to now, we’d shared only a rom-com-worthy meet-cute and a couple of dates. It was probably better to wait.
“What time does it end?” His voice interrupted my stream of consciousness.
“What time does what end?” I’d completely lost the thread.
“Your event? Earth to Thea?”
“I bet you say that to all the nonastronauts,” I quipped. “Probably about eight thirty? It’s at a bookstore in Manhattan Beach. Is that too late for you?”
“Nah, I’ll make it work. Send me the name of the bookstore, and I’ll find us a spot to meet up nearby. Look for the dude in the anti-gravity suit.”
“Ha.” I texted him the link to the bookstore contact page. “Done.”
“Sweet dreams, Thea.”
“Thanks, you too.” I glanced at the pile of condoms on the kitchen table. “See you tomorrow, Max.”
As I hung up, I had the sudden urge for a piping-hot bath. I needed to soak in bubbles while the storm of emotions inside me competed for airtime.
On my way to the bathroom, I stopped and stared at the built-in bookcase covering the living room wall, a shrine to my life with Sam that normally grounded me and made me feel less alone.
My eyes seized on our wedding photo. We were wide-eyed with love, brimming with dreams of our bright future.
For the first time since I learned he was gone, I was acutely aware that this picture was my past. But then, what was my future?
My path forward couldn’t have been less obvious.
I lowered myself into the bath and tipped my head back on the rim.
Time, distance, and grief changed us all, but Max’s essence was close enough to Sam’s that perhaps we could build on the same foundation.
By the time my bath was cold and my fingers were pruned, I was pretty much convinced that I could love Sam and Max at the same time, and equally, without betraying either one, like we were all in some trippy love triangle that only I knew existed.