Chapter 38 Amarhuk （Rook）
AMARHUK (ROOK)
I shouldn’t be out.
I shouldn’t be here.
But I also couldn’t sit in the confines of Svokol’s residence while Myel fought for his life.
I barely knew that dark and sexy shifter, but he was important to Izzy, bonded to her, and I knew what would happen if that bond was broken.
So, I’d sneaked out to the arena to watch the match, as macabre and vile as it might be.
It was easy to get lost in the crowd; everyone had turned out for this event. Cliffside Arena could hold the entirety of everyone on campus plus a couple thousand more people, and it was packed. I blended in and took a seat high in the top ring of the stands.
I’d been playing my encounter with Izzy two days ago over and over in my head and I’d hoped the hubbub of the throng around me might drown out my thoughts, but no… my churning mind tuned out the white noise of the assembled on-lookers.
What are you so damned afraid of, she’d asked me.
I’d told her it was her being an elf, and I’d seen the pain that had caused. I shouldn’t have said it. I shouldn’t have said anything. I should have taken the coward’s way out and stayed silent. Instead, I’d taken the jerk’s way out and thrown it back on her, when it had nothing to do with her.
Well it did, but not because of who she was.
I was falling for her, and it was tearing me apart.
Incubi were not meant to be monogamous. Even if we married, which wasn’t common, our mates knew we’d still have other partners.
It had to be an open marriage or no incubi would agree to it.
But something was very wrong with me, because I didn’t want anyone but Izzy.
No other woman interested me, roused me, did anything for me.
It was so damned wrong!
And so damned right!
How could that be?
But I’d already screwed it up by telling her I was afraid of her as an elf.
I was such an idiot.
She hadn’t wanted anything deep; I’d known that from the first time I’d met her in the human realm. So how could I tell her I was falling for her, that she was starting to mean something to me, far more than the friends and fuck-buddies we’d been?
Even if I could mend the tear in our relationship… it wasn’t like I knew anything about being a dedicated lover and caregiver and husband. Ugh. That word made me want to gag.
I’d only make a mess of any sort of committed relationship.
And that wasn’t fair to her.
It would also only break our hearts. She was about to fight one hell of a battle against everything this world stood for. What if she died? What if I died? That sort of heartbreak tore a person apart. I’d seen it happen to my mother.
As a succubus, she was supposed to have many partners and not love any of them.
Lust was all that mattered. My father shouldn’t have been anything more than another one of her lovers, but he had been.
Yet, as a salmaeri, he’d been called to war and died.
And it had shattered her. She’d made sure to tell me, over and over, that love only led to pain, and I believed her.
Blazing hell, Mother would be so ashamed of me for being this tied up over a woman. Though, oddly, I had a suspicion that Izzy and my mother would get along great. Even so, Mom would scold me for falling for anyone, even someone she liked, like Izzy.
And what made matters all the worse was my mental connection to Izzy.
I literally couldn’t get her out of my head.
I’d caught a ton of stray thoughts last night.
Her frustration, matched by her drive to help Myel.
Her anxiety and worry for her bondmate. Then her rather stunning euphoria, which had invaded my dreams, then woken me in a sweat of desire.
My dick had been so damned hard for so long.
I’d had to get up and beat it down, fantasizing about — you guessed it — Izzy to get any sort of relief.
This was so messed up.
I was so messed up.
Izzy messed me up in ways I’d never imagined.
I banged my forehead with my fist, eyes clenched shut, somehow hoping the physical action would knock thoughts of Izzy out of my mind. It didn’t.
The thing was, I couldn’t really deny it any longer.
I had feelings for Izzy.
As strange and uncomfortable and abnormal as that was. I wanted her and only her and if I didn’t have her again soon, I might explode in frustration.
But first, I’d have to apologize for the whole scary elf thing.
That would be fun.
Not.
Still, avoiding her hadn’t done anything. Like the old saying said, her absence had made my heart grow fonder. The part of the saying most people left out was how my blue-balls had gotten bluer.
I needed her. So. Damn. Bad.
I’d find her after this match and tell her as much. Even if I didn’t know what I’d say.
As for what would happen after that? I had no clue. But what other options did I have? Avoid her and be in agony or be with her and enjoy it while it lasted… then be in agony when I lost her or know she’d be in agony if she lost me. There were no good choices.
I stopped banging my head. All that had given me was a headache.
A voice rang out, saying the match was about to start.
The crowd hushed.
I opened my eyes and leaned forward.
“Come on, Myel, shred this bastard,” I whispered.
He needed to win, or I’d lose Izzy even before I’d had a chance to really be with her. Now I was even more upset about that potential outcome.
Fuck me.
Just…
Fuck me.