Lightning Lessons
Illusion or imagination…?
It’s true what they say, life moves on. There’s no stopping it.
You can only hope to find some peace along the way.
That’s what we did. In each other. No other fosters moved in or out.
This house was full. I’m grateful for that time.
It allowed us the safety and room to grow and count on each other.
For most of us, fellow fosters began to nurture and fill the voids of dead parents or ease the pain of other unfortunate pasts.
Making us legal—the Weathers’ adopting the ones of us who had no other family—had even been discussed, but Dale worried about rocking the boat.
He said it was a lengthy and thorough process.
For some reason, Kristen said it was best not to bring attention to our household.
The last thing we needed was strangers poking into our dark pasts.
I think she was correct.
I no longer checked the windows every time a motorcycle drove by.
That life felt distant. So long ago, some days I doubted if it was ever mine.
I didn’t even have any of Noma’s frozen leftovers to hold on to.
The rest had been consumed when needed. Either through celebration or a sad time that begged for comfort food.
A couple of relationships had bloomed far beyond close friends. Caleb and Sarah, Sebastian and Blue, each finding their way past innocent first kisses to more mature full-on commitments. Lifelong, I’d say. If they had been given a choice, that is.
Now juniors and one senior in high school, the boys and I were becoming ‘trees’ according to Harmony, who only smiled as if growing trees in her home was a dream come true. Sarah and Blue hadn’t grown much physically but were now, clearly, mature young women in high school.
It felt good to have them with us, where we could watch out for them.
When they first joined us in school, things could’ve gotten awkward since the Misfits were a hot item, but I was with Tallulah, and Seb and Caleb technically lived with their girlfriends, so it was a natural transition.
The girls even thought my nickname, Nine, was comical.
They never used it, though. They said it was only funny when coming from someone as hot as Tallulah who looked like she wanted to eat me alive.
For real, how could I argue with that?
The chemistry between Tallulah and me was intense.
Can’t lie. But our connection also ran deep.
I admired her as she spoke of her tribe.
She hadn’t been raised on a reservation, but hoped to contribute after college.
She wanted to find her roots, thick in the culture of a beautiful heritage and beautiful spirits she looked up to.
During these times, Caleb and Sebastian hadn’t loomed over Sarah nor Blue possessively.
Dale had advised that women need space and are not to be ‘owned’.
Wish I could say I followed that advice like a good foster Misfit, but I rolled and drove in a different lane.
Tallulah and I had lips connected or bodies connected, in one form or another, at all times.
Every bystander and student knew she was off limits, and she loved it.
Naked, she would moan, “Who needs ten when nine are so damn good.”
Again, who was I to argue?
Okay, reality check: Tallulah was the teacher.
A woman’s body is a complicated organism until you are taught her secrets. Every ‘Tallulah’ lesson was mouthwatering and one I hoped to fail so I could be ‘instructed’ all over again.
After another ‘lesson’ in the attic, we were putting on our clothes when she told me, “Hey, you know that new girl Julie?”
I didn’t. As far as any girl other than a fellow foster, all I saw was Tallulah.
She picked up a shirt off the floor and tossed it on the unmade bed. “Well, she said…”
Should’ve been listening, but I was very busy watching Tallulah and her G-string squeeze into a pair of jeans I was already wanting her out of again.
“Johnny!”
I looked up from her perfect ass. “Huh?”
“Julie? Finn? All I just said?”
“Ah-huh.” I nodded, pretending to have been listening.
Truth was, Finn was the only foster who I hadn’t bonded with yet.
He was pretentious. What else can I say?
He had an aura about him that us feel we were below him.
He’d become a bit of a baseball star and had colleges chasing him.
Not exactly the ‘poor me, life as a foster is hell…’ so I gave not even two fucks what she was saying about him.
However, Tallulah could be very persuasive when she wanted to be. In a bra and unbuckled jeans, she came to me. “I’m being serious.”
My hands took hold of her hips, and I kissed her neck. “About what?”
She sighed, realizing I hadn’t heard shit. “If I take off my jeans again, will you promise to do as I ask?”
Erection begging for another release, I promised to do whatever she demanded and then some.
That’s why, when we were done and I had taken her home in the foster community car named Bertha, I had an extra skip in my step when I hollered, “Hey, Finn,” as I pushed the door open to his room, “I’m supposed to relay that a girl named—” I came to an abrupt halt when I saw a razor blade pinched between two of his fingers, hovering slightly above the skin on his forearm.
Shocked, my jaw popped open.
What the fuck!?
As if he weren’t doing something horrible to himself, an annoyed green-eyed glare greeted me. “You didn’t knock.”
No. I didn’t. I’d been too high on Tallulah and forgot the pact that none of us guys entered a room without knocking first. As teenage boys, we seldom found enough ‘alone’ time, and each of us understood the need for it.
Gage and Ethan would stick a sock on the doorknob to warn the other since they shared the space.
Seb and Caleb would text. Finn didn’t have a roommate right now, so he had the most freedom.
If Dale or Harmony knew of our, uh, private time, they never voiced it.
I, for one, never jacked off in the shower, because, well, imagination or not, my water friend might get a hell of a shock.
I stuck to my room, but with Tallulah, there wasn’t much need for it.
She always left me wanting more, yet well sated.
None of that seemed important. Not when I saw my foster brother about to slice into his lightly freckled skin with a goddamned razor blade. “Finn. What are you—”
“I’m not.” He sighed. “At least, not anymore.”
Anymore?
Tallulah had been trying to tell me she suspected something. That Finn wasn’t getting with any of the girls who chased. Not exactly normal ‘stud’ teenage boy behavior. Now I saw a potential reason why. How long had this been going on?
“Talk to me.” I entered the room and shut the door, not giving him an option to refuse me.
I sank beside him on the mattress, staring at the sharp blade.
There wasn’t any blood, but Finn said not anymore, meaning he’d done it in the past, possibly the recent past. Even though I wasn’t a fan of his, I couldn’t help feeling like I failed him somehow.
“I’ve been cutting for years,” he admitted, lifting the blade to stare at it.
Years? “Why?” Who made him feel like he had to harm himself? I sucked in a breath. Who knew this was happening? Did Ethan, Gage, Seb, or Caleb? Fuck. Did Dale?
Still gazing at the blade, Finn shrugged. “He knows.” His gaze slid from the blade to me. “Dale’s been helping me work through it.”
I thought back on the last couple of years and how Dale seemed to observe all of us, but how his gaze lingered most on Finn.
I didn’t put it together until now. Shit.
Dale already lost a foster because of suicide.
He must have seen the signs in Finn. “That’s good.
” I swallowed the thick saliva clogging my throat. “Finn, I should have—”
“Johnny, stop. You can’t be a Dale Junior to us all.”
Not sure what that meant, worry for Finn had me struggling to draw breath into my lungs.
“No one knew because I hid it. Dale only found out because of Tim.” At my frown, he continued, “The foster he lost.”
Oh, damn. I studied the empty twin bed in his room, realizing I had never put one thought into it before. They were roommates.
“He saw the same behavior, I guess.” Finn shook his head. “He caught me shortly after the fire. You remember?”
With Ethan. How could I ever forget? “Yeah.”
“I finally stopped about six months later, but,” his voice cracked, “the need—it’s still there. Like it won’t let go of me, Johnny.”
Up until now, in my eyes, Finn was the guy who had it all together. His only downfall was being a grumpy asshole. How wrong I had been.
Lightning struck my soul again and took away my blindness.
Now my heart hurt for him. “The urge?” I asked, somewhat understanding him because I felt the same about the recurring rage that I fought every now and then to control every day.
Even though my old life felt far away, the roots of that lifetime were still in my blood.
Always would be. That meant Finn and I each had different demons, but they still tried to control us. “That’s why you’re holding it.”
“Yeah.” After a weighted pause, he tilted his head as he stared at me.
“Will you take it, Johnny? I don’t think stopping will work if I throw it away.
I’ll just grab another one. But, somehow, if you have it, it’s like you’re saving it for me, not because I’ll use it,” he was quick to explain, “but so I won’t be tempted to do more than hold it. ”
Jesus. That gutted me while it also filled me with such fucking pride. Finn was trying to beat this hold over him, and he’d asked for my help. Thank fuck he was strong enough to reach out for it.
“Of course.” I took the blade and reached for a tissue from the box on his dresser. Wrapping it up, I folded my fist around it. Not the damaged right hand, but the left that couldn’t be pried loose.