Stubborn Full Circles #2
I jolted up. I was back at Noma’s.
Even though I thought I was mad at her, I suddenly wanted nothing more but to go back in time and hold her.
Rushing out of the car, I was at the front door in no time. Then, I leaned my forehead against it when realizing I was tricking myself about what was on the other side. “Is she in there? Did I dream her death?” If Styx could reappear, maybe, just maybe…
Styx was no longer playful. His tone expressed deep sorrow. “No. She’s gone.”
I nodded. I knew that, I guess. I held her when she passed. But a baby boy can dream.
Styx disappeared around the corner of the house, then reappeared with keys in his hand. My chest imploded. There was no denying he knew where Noma and I had hidden them.
Throat closing, I yearned to know why he rejected me. “Why didn’t you come to get me when she died? I was all alone.”
He reached past me, inserting the key into the lock. “Were you, though?”
Feeling as though I weighed a thousand pounds, I trudged my way inside. Instantly, I could tell no one had been inside since I locked it up. It felt as dead as my aching heart.
Styx stood in the living room with an overwhelming sadness. “God, I loved that woman.”
I raised my hands, begging for mercy. Missing her was choking me. Literally stealing my breath. I hadn’t realized how much I’d shoved away the pain until faced with it again. It was like she was here, but not. I can’t explain the torture that was. To smell her, yet know that scent was dead.
Grabbing my chest and my stomach, I circled myself. “What happens now?”
“We go home.”
I am home. The house now felt so much smaller. Every piece of furniture was different because I had grown, in more ways than one. I’m not home. The room—the house—was spinning. I was feeling so misplaced again. “Do I even have a home anymore?”
Styx was now at the record player, holding Noma’s favorite album. “Can I have this, kid?”
I fell into the couch. “You are who she danced for.” The man she loved.
The man who doesn’t love me.
Slowly, he faced me, holding the record to his chest, and he nodded.
I ran to the bathroom and vomited what was left in my stomach and dry heaved the rest.
Styx stood in the doorway as I rested my head on the toilet seat. He said, “I’m going to turn the water back on and get the bleach. She’d be pissed if I left a mess.”
As he walked away, I slumped back against a wall. This was simply too much. I was utterly overstimulated.
Maybe that’s why I stared at the shower, unsure of how many minutes were ticking by, but apparently long enough for the water heater to do its job.
I had to clean myself completely from what I’d done, but deep down I wanted more.
My soul wouldn’t get the same treatment, the same clean start, like my body, but my soul needed that water just the same.
After crawling to the tub, I turned on the water and let it heat up, watching the sparkles as they greeted me in such a familiar place. I let them drip over my fingers, chest struggling to breathe.
“I need you,” I whispered, and thought of my friend.
Throwing clothes on the floor, I then submerged myself in the spray. As I lathered, soaped my body, and rinsed, I felt her presence nudge me. Hard. Making me wish I could see her—
Wait.
I shouted Styx’s name as I quickly shut off the water and reached for a towel.
Styx rushed into the bathroom, stopping fast. “What is it?”
“What home? Where are we headed?” I asked as I wrapped the towel around my waist and opened the curtain.
“Lennox’s clubhouse.”
Dad.
Was it possible she would be there? Be real? Waiting for me?
I slowly lifted my gaze to lock with his eyes. Then I swallowed. “Is he—”
Styx shook his head, a heavy heart behind it. “No, he died that day.”
I guess I knew that, too. I lifted my chin. “He would’ve come for me.”
“Damn straight, kid.”
Anger started to boil as I glared at the one who didn’t. Bother. To. Show. Up.
Styx rolled his eyes. “Here we go again.” He tossed me the bleach. “Clean up. Grab the money. We roll in ten.”
I was too angry to do as I was told and roared, “Why did you let me go into the system?”
The man got in my face, and I quickly forgot that I was capable of murder. That is how intense that man could be. “Because we needed to know your threat first.” He tried to reel in his rage by taking a step back. “My son died because of a connection to you.”
That stung. I didn’t want to be at fault for my father’s death. “So, you were his dad?”
He ran old, scarred hands through his longer hair. “Yeah.” He exhaled his regret. “You’re my grandson.”
That had been becoming quite clear, but hearing it confirmed helped clear all the confusion. It wasn’t my imagination taking off. I was simply seeing through the illusion for once.
He waved me off. “I know you have a million and one questions, but they have to wait. You now have eight minutes before we roll.”
I used every single one to grab clothes from the trunk, dress, and clean the mess I made in the toilet.
With a last walk-through, I said another round of silent goodbyes, then headed out the door. Styx was loading my bags and suitcase into the Jeep that was now out front. “This is your vehicle now.”
I appreciated that. Felt like a bit of Noma was going back home with me. “I want her ‘home’ too.”
“When it’s safe, I will make that happen.”
Fuck that.
“I’ll make that happen,” I snarled, daring him to argue.
Shaking his head, he said, “Just like your dad. Stubborn as fuck.”
I went to the tree and touched the carving that looked older now. My palm pressed briefly to the bark, and for a single heartbeat, I felt Noma with me. I’ll bring you back, I swear.
“That money is for Cali emergencies or for transferring her.”
I was okay with that, too. A part of me sensed I’d be back sooner rather than later.
Noma getting me to California felt like it took a week.
With Styx, getting back to the East Coast, we didn’t stop for anything except for ditching his car in a lake in the middle of the night.
There were no motel rooms or unwarranted stops.
We each took turns driving while the other slept.
Not much conversation took place. We ate, shit, and slept.
Before I knew it, I was traveling over a bridge that replaced the one that exploded seven years ago, causing all the memories to come back, wanted or not.
Bikes chasing us… Bullets flying… The sun not able to save me as I reached for it…
The yellow skully I still had with me. The green eyes…
Out of the Jeep, Styx went to a door of the unfinished shopping center that was being renovated into Dad’s clubhouse and was unlocking it, but I didn’t follow him.
I wasn’t ready to enter the next stage of my life.
Mentally, I was still trying to collect all the pieces I felt I had lost, or hadn’t even known I’d had.
Plus, I had an impossible-to-deny pull happening inside me.
The night was thick, as was the seawater scent circling me, reminding me of past senses. The grass I crossed felt familiar, I had lain in it when dying so many years ago.
At the seawall, I dropped to my knees, and like the little boy I once was, I reached out… for her. My arm was longer. My hand’s scars long ago healed. My reflection one of a young man with a damaged soul.
Sadly, my friend—she wasn’t there. No beautiful eyes stared up at me from the water, yet there was a presence in the surface glistening in the moonlight.
The pull inside me intensifying. Not even the raindrops that had begun could gain my full attention.
That is, not until I wondered if the rain was from Noma.
I stared at the moon’s reflection. Was it time to admit my imagination had won, after all?
Is that why I allowed Styx to bring me here? To officially say goodbye to my friend?
I had full-circled.
Coming back to the beginning, was it time I let my imagination go? Like all the lies I’d been told?
But… how?
Styx took a knee next to me. “Amazing how that water talks to you, isn’t it?”