Chapter 16
Shadow
I carry a sleeping Owen back upstairs to his room, feeling the solid, trusting weight of him and trying not to think about what my life could have been.
Sadie follows behind, quiet as a ghost. We don’t speak until we’re back downstairs.
I want to ask why she chose me to stay, but somehow, the words don’t come.
She surprises me when she asks. “Do you have any kids?”
“What makes you ask?”
She considers the question, as if unsure why she even asked it. “I guess you just have that air about you. The others are great with Owen, but it’s obvious they’ve never had kids of their own.” She chuckles lightly. “I guess it’s similar to how military vets recognize other vets.”
I look out of the rain-streaked window into the night. “I had a daughter.” A lump forms in my throat. It’s been so long since I talked about her, though I think of her every day.
Sadie’s pained expression tells me she already knows my story doesn’t have a happy ending. She doesn’t say anything, giving me space to tell her if I want.
“I married my high school sweetheart at nineteen after she fell pregnant. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Joined the Army that same year. The baby came early, and I missed the birth.” I watch a raindrop slowly make its way down the pane of glass for a moment before continuing.
“She was so small. So precious. We named her Lily.” I laugh, a mirthless, dry sound.
“Didn’t know lilies were funeral flowers. ”
Sadie reaches out, placing a hand on the top of mine, her fingers soft and cool.
“She was only six months old when she died. She had a congenital heart defect. She was too pure for this world. After that, we tried to make things work, but my ex-wife wanted another child, wanted to move on and fill the space Lily left. I wasn’t ready to do that.
The grief destroyed us slowly. My ex-wife eventually admitted she couldn’t stand looking at me anymore because I reminded her of what we lost. I felt the same, even if I wouldn’t admit it.
” I look at Sadie then, her eyes filled with concern.
“I’m so sorry…” Sadie says, and I can tell she feels that sorry is inadequate. Most people don’t know what to say. What can you say?
I shrug. We can’t change the past. “My ex remarried a nice guy, she has three kids, and they live upstate. I’m happy for her.”
“And you didn’t you ever meet someone else who made the pain a little more bearable?”
I shake my head. “I’m a shadow of a man. Where do you think I got the nickname from?”
Sadie looks stricken. “I thought it was because you move around quietly in the shadows.”
“It is,” I smile sadly. “Only I think of the other reason.” Keen to move the subject onto less depressing topics, I talk about Owen. “He’s a good kid, you should be proud,” I say, nodding to the ceiling.
She smiles softly, her eyes filled with love. “He is. He likes you.”
“I like him,” I admit. “He’s the first kid that hasn’t made me feel sad to be around. He makes me feel like maybe my ex was right that children could heal a broken heart.”
She squeezes my hand. “I think you’re right about that.”
Enough about me, I want to know more about Sadie. “So tell me about your marriage. Why didn’t things work out between you and Ethan?”
“That’s a long and rather boring story, and for that, I think we need a drink,” she says. I nod, and she heads to the fridge. “Wine okay?”
“Sure.”
“Come on, I’m too tired to stand,” she says, leading the way into the living room, bottle of wine and two glasses in hand. She kicks off her slippers and tucks her feet under her as she sits on the couch and pours us both a glass. I hesitate, and she pats the seat beside her. “Sit. I don’t bite.”
I do as instructed, sitting down, accepting the glass, clinking it softly against hers, and taking a sip.
She sighs dramatically. “I’m afraid mine and Ethan’s story is terribly mundane and predictable.
I was twenty-one when we met. He was thirty-four and worked at the bank where I did my college internship.
He was in charge of the cybersecurity department.
Over the next six months, he wooed me, old-fashioned and charming, sending flowers and love notes, taking me on expensive dates, buying me extravagant gifts, making me feel like the most special, interesting woman he’s ever met, the whole nine yards.
I fell for it.” She laughs bitterly, shaking her head as if she can’t believe it.
“When I was twenty-three, he proposed, and when I was twenty-four, we got married. Almost immediately after that, things changed; it seemed the fun was over for him once the chase was over. I had just turned twenty-six when Owen was born. Stupidly, I thought that would bring us closer, but it only made him more distant.” She gulps her wine.
“Things continued to go downhill after that. Ethan didn’t want to have to deal with a screaming baby or a wife whose body had changed.
It didn’t surprise me when he had an affair with his twenty-two-year-old secretary.
I should have realized it sooner. As it was, the affair went on for a year before he left me for her.
” She laughs humorlessly again. “I think I would feel better about it if I’d been the one who ended things, throwing him out and him begging for my forgiveness, saying he made a mistake.
” She shakes her head. “God, it’s all such a cliché, and here I am going on about my failed marriage when you’ve been through hell. ”
I don’t even think about it; it comes as naturally as breathing to reach out and place my hand on her leg. “Don’t diminish your pain like that.”
She doesn’t flinch or move away; she looks at me with big, trusting eyes, and I have to quell the urge to kiss her. “It’s humiliating, being that woman.”
“It shouldn’t be. He’s the one who didn’t know what he had. By the sounds of it, he took advantage of you when you were young and naive, and then, when he couldn’t do it anymore, when he was no longer your entire world, he did the same thing to some other woman.”
She contemplates this for a moment. “You know, I never thought of Brielle as being manipulated like I was.”
“Brielle? As in Brie cheese and Elle smooshed together?” I blurt it out, raising an eyebrow, feeling Dash’s influence wash over me.
Sadie laughs, deep and throaty, and it’s like a balm for my soul. I want to make her laugh more. “You have a beautiful laugh.”
She blushes. “After Ethan, I felt invisible for a long time. I think I forgot what it was like to be a woman, to be desirable…”
“Until?”
She blinks, as if I’ve stolen the word from her mouth. “Until I texted the wrong number that day.”
“I’m glad you did.”
“Me too,” she says softly, looking into my eyes. Her lips part, and she moves closer.
I know it’s a bad idea, a very, very bad idea. Trigger might actually murder me. But for the first time in a long time, I don’t feel like a shadow, I don’t feel invisible, or perhaps someone just understands what that feels like.
I kiss her.
There’s no hesitation as she kisses me back. The kiss is tender, a little hesitant as we both realize the ramifications, but it soon deepens into something more, something urgent and consuming. I know that I can’t stop now, not unless she asks me to.
Her lips are soft, her tongue tastes of wine and something sweet I can’t put my finger on. My arm wraps around her waist, and I feel the curves of her body, curves she thinks make her less desirable thanks to her shit of an ex, curves that only make her more womanly, more sexy.
She tilts her head back, and I kiss the soft, tender skin of her throat, making my way down slowly to the swell of her breasts, her breath coming heavier with each caress.
Suddenly, a car drives past, its engine loud in the silence of the night, its lights blinding in the darkness. We pull apart, eyes darting to the window. The drapes are wide open. Anyone could look in and see us. Sadie’s stalker could be out there watching us right now.
The same thought seems to occur to Sadie, and I think that the moment has passed. She kisses me once, lightly on the lips, and I try not to feel too disappointed, preparing myself to be understanding in her rejection. To my surprise, she says, “Let’s go upstairs.”
I don’t trust myself to speak in case I ruin this. I simply nod and allow her to take my hand, which swallows hers whole, and lead me upstairs to her bedroom.
Her room is distinctly hers, unlike the rest of the house, which resembles a typical family home, overrun with Owen’s toys and things; this room is clearly her sanctuary.
She’s decorated the walls in calming neutral cream, but the bedspread and cushions are brightly colored with a patchwork array of pinks, blues, purples, and yellows.
An insane amount of plush, fluffy scatter cushions litter the bed, and enough candles to start a small bonfire are spread about every surface.
Sadie strides over to the window, pulling the pink velvet drapes closed, and I shut the door softly behind me, feeling out of place in this soft, feminine place. She turns to look at me, hovering awkwardly near the door, afraid to touch anything lest she muss it, and laughs.
“I know, it’s a little quirky. Ethan liked a neutral, all-cream bedroom, cream walls, cream sheets, cream drapes—and no scatter cushions. I always wanted something brighter and more cozy. I guess I went a little overboard after he left.”
“It’s nice, it has character.”
She smiles. “I think so. Plus, I don’t have to worry about messing things up. Neutral colors are a bitch to clean. At some point, I want to paint the walls, but I never seem to find the time. I got the paint and everything.”
“I could paint it for you?”
She tilts her head to the side. “You don’t need to do that.”
“But I want to do it for you.”
She walks back closer to me, and the energy in the room shifts. “Is that all you want to do for me?”
My cock twitches in anticipation. Fuck no, that’s not all I want.
Apparently, when it comes to Sadie, I have no self-control.
I’ve been given a second chance to stop before things escalate, before I do something that’s going to land me in a heap of shit with Trigger and the other guys, and what do I do? I kiss her again.
This time, there’s nothing to stop us.
She presses her hands against my chest as I pull her closer, hands sliding down to caress her perfect ass. She tugs at my shirt, pulling it off before helping me to remove hers. Piece by piece, we peel away our layers until we’re bared completely to each other.
Her body is like a work of art, curves in all the right places, long, toned legs with strong thighs, full breasts and hips, a slight curve to her stomach, and hip dips that drive me insane. I can’t stop touching her, feeling every inch of her skin, so soft under the calluses of my fingers.
Her nails trace the contours of my body, her hand stroking my cock, making it grow even harder at the slightest touch.
I know I’m not as big as Trigger, the man likes to flaunt the damn thing at every opportunity, but I’m sizeable enough, certainly never had any complaints, and if Sadie is disappointed, she does a good job of hiding it.
We move in sync toward the bed, not breaking our kisses and exploration as she lies down against the pillows, and I climb on top. My fingers stroke her inner thighs, moving up to run along her seam, feeling how wet she is already for me. She moans and moves against my hand, encouraging me on.
I slide a finger inside her, slowly circling her clit with my tongue.
She wraps her arms around my neck, kissing me, pulling me closer, and she moves slowly against my hand.
Her hand snakes down to stroke my cock, pulling me closer to her, stroking the tip of my cock against her soaking wet seam.
I want to taste her, want to take my time, but she looks in my eyes and says, “I want you,” and when she guides me to her entrance, I don’t stop her.
She grips my ass, pulling me deep inside her in one thrust, crying out as I fill her, spreading her wide.
It takes a moment for her body to adjust to me, and then I slowly start to thrust in and out.
I don’t stop kissing her as she wraps her arms around my neck, her legs around my waist, holding me close.
Part of me knows the reason she wants this, needs this, is because she’s scared, and that, for some strange reason, I make her feel safer. I don’t know if that means I’m taking advantage of her, or if I’m giving her exactly what she needs.
I know that she’s giving me exactly what I needed, too, and I didn’t even realize how badly I needed this connection with someone.
“You’re so beautiful,” I tell her between kisses, whispering in her ear as I nibble it.
“No,” she murmurs, the dismissal coming too easily.
I stop moving, holding myself deep inside her. “You are.”
She groans, grinding her hips against me as I remain still inside her, pressing against her G-spot, holding back until she begs me to continue. “Don’t stop, please, I’m so close.”
“As long as you don’t dismiss the fact you’re beautiful again.”
I start moving slowly, and when she keeps repeating “yes,” I know it’s not just because she’s agreeing with me.
Her nails scrape down my back as I fuck her harder and faster, my finger circling her clit, one leg raised over my shoulder as I drive deeper inside her.
I kiss her deeply, feeling as she tumbles over the edge, orgasm pulsating through her in waves.
I try to pull out, knowing I’m about to cum, but her hands grip my ass, holding me firmly inside.
“Cum with me,” she moans, looking into my eyes.
God help me, I do.
As I cum, deep inside her, our mutual climaxes shudder through us both. I know that what we did is going to cause a whole heap of trouble, but right now, I don’t care.
I pull her into my arms, and she rests her head on my chest, asking me, “Will you stay and hold me tonight?”
I kiss the top of her head. “Of course, I’m not going anywhere, I’ll be right here, whenever you need me.”
She nods, satisfied, snuggling in closer.
I think I understand now why Trigger has gone off the deep end. I thought my heart was frozen permanently, but being around Sadie feels like the first breath of spring, thawing my eternal winter.