Chapter Fifteen #2
“This is lasagne,” Cassian told him. “It’s layers of food. Meat, cheese, pasta. More cheese. Then more cheese again.” He turned the spoon in his hand and considered the dish. “Hamish is a cheese degenerate. That’s what Lysander calls him.”
“It is,” Lysander confirmed. “And he is. Hamish keeps five different cheeses in the house at all times, and two of them are always blue.”
“Cheese degenerate sounds bad,” Cassian told Uriel. “But Lysander says it from a good place. He explained to me that it’s just the risk you take when you pull a hipster from Brunswick East.”
Uriel looked down at the lasagne, then up at Hamish. “Thank you. This is generous.”
They ate. Cassian had positioned himself beside Uriel without touching him, maintaining the same agonising gap that he’d held in the doorway, and he kept up a stream of commentary about the food. Uriel ate steadily and said very little, his attention divided between his plate and Cassian’s face.
Hamish waited until Cassian paused for breath, and then leaned forward with his elbows on the table and his chin resting on his laced fingers.
Lysander recognised the posture. It was Hamish’s interview stance, the one that said I’m in no rush, and I’m going to sit here until you give me a real answer.
“So, Uriel. You grew up on the compound with Cassian. What was that like for you?”
Uriel set his fork down.
“Honestly?” He pushed his plate forward half an inch. “It was suffocating.”
Hamish’s expression didn’t change, but Lysander caught the fractional tilt of his head, the tell that meant his subject had just gone somewhere he hadn’t expected.
“I am the Lumineer’s son,” Uriel continued.
“Which meant that every part of my life was a performance for the community. How I spoke, how I ate, how I prayed, who I looked at, how long I looked at them for. There was no version of me that wasn’t being constantly assessed against the doctrine.
” His thumb traced the edge of his plate.
“I knew the Universal Principles better than anyone on the compound, because I had to know them. If I got a single word wrong during the morning readings, my father would have me repeat the passage in front of everyone until I’d corrected it.
Not as punishment, but as a demonstration that we can rise to the Light’s requirements if we’re given the chance to improve.
” He met Hamish’s eyes. “The Lumineer doesn’t punish.
He illuminates. That’s what he always used to say. ”
Hamish’s expression remained neutral. “And what did being illuminated feel like?”
“Like being hollowed out so that someone else’s voice could live inside you.
” Uriel’s jaw worked for a moment. “By the time I was twenty, I couldn’t tell the difference between what I believed and what I’d been told to believe.
They’d always been the same thing.” His gaze dropped to the table.
“I was supposed to take over from my father. Everyone on the compound expected it. The succession was written into the Principles — the Lumineer’s firstborn alpha inherits the mantle.
My entire life had been shaped around that transfer, and I didn’t question it, because I wasn’t brave enough to do that. ”
The dining room was quiet. Cassian had gone very still beside Uriel, his fork resting forgotten on his plate, his eyes fixed on the side of Uriel’s face.
Hamish reached for his wine. “What changed for you?”
Uriel’s gaze lifted to Cassian, and Lysander felt like an intruder in his own dining room.
“Cassian left.”
Uriel fixed his eyes on the omega beside him, and Lysander watched Cassian’s throat move as he swallowed.
“When the Lumineer gave Cassian to Charles, I didn’t do anything.
” Uriel’s voice had gone rough at the edges.
“I stood in the assembly and I watched it happen, and I told myself that the Universe knew better than I did, because that was what I’d been taught to believe.
That the naming was sacred and the Lumineer’s word was infallible.
My feelings were irrelevant to the architecture of the divine plan.
” His hand was flat on the table, close enough to Cassian’s that their little fingers were almost touching.
“I knew it was wrong. I knew Charles would hurt him, because Charles had hurt omegas before and everyone on the compound knew it. Nobody said anything since his money kept the lights on and the Lumineer’s authority was absolute.
” He looked at Hamish. “I was a coward. I want to be clear about that. I stood there and I let it happen.”
Hamish’s wine glass had stopped halfway to his mouth. They’d come to the table prepared to have words with a total zealot, but the man sitting opposite him was detailing his own deprogramming instead.
“And then Cassian ran,” Uriel said. “On his own. Without anyone’s help, or knowing where he was going.
He just left.” His little finger shifted on the table, closing the gap, and brushed the edge of Cassian’s hand.
“I’ve spent my whole life being told I was destined for greatness.
That the Light had chosen me to lead. And the bravest thing I’ve ever seen was done by someone the doctrine classified as a vessel who’s just meant to accept everything that comes his way.
” He turned to Cassian, and his voice dropped.
“If you could walk away from everything, then so could I. As long as the direction I took led me back towards you.”
Cassian’s lower lip was caught between his teeth, his chin trembling, and his little finger had curled around Uriel’s on the table.
The silence held. Then Cassian drew a breath that was audibly wet, turned to Uriel with shining eyes, and asked, “Would you like some chocolate mousse?”