Chapter Nineteen
CHAPTER NINETEEN
NATALIE
T he backyard had been transformed once again with rows of natural wood chairs placed on the beach, separated by an aisle of rose petals leading to a wooden hexagonal arch that was draped in swaths of gold tulle and garlands of blush peonies. Lit tiki torches illuminated where the ceremony would be held in a few minutes during sunset.
In addition to the patio lights, small fairy lights were placed in hurricane bowls on the two dozen tables scattered around the dance floor in the grassy area where we had eaten the night before. Paper lanterns hung from the branches of the two banyan trees on either end of the yard. A quartet, situated near the stairs to the beach, played a familiar ballad.
“This is pretty incredible.” I looped my arm through Joel’s as he led me to the chairs where people had begun to gather.
He took in the landscape as we sat. “I’ll admit, we all have had pretty epic weddings. Annie and Jeff got married on a mountain top in Vail. Emma and Matt got married at Martha’s Vineyard. Charlotte and I got married at Big Sur. But yeah, I guess this is okay.” He smiled like his little joke at the end was hilarious.
For a moment, a sinking feeling took up residence in my gut .
Being here, hearing where this group of friends had gotten married, having Joel remind me of his first marriage . . . I was the outsider here. I could pretend all I wanted to that I would seamlessly Fit into this existing friendship, but after tonight, I’d never see these people again. It felt like a major loss from all angles. Shaking out of my reverie, I studied the spread around us. Dane and I had planned our wedding for nearly a year, and while I obviously never got to see it all pulled together, I think it would have largely resembled this one. Chic, leaning on nature to make it shine. The Leach Botanical Garden, a magical, woodsy venue in the heart of Portland, had catered to my every fussy detail.
Deep down, I knew I escaped a lifetime of being half of the power couple who chased everything but each other. But for a very brief moment, I let myself feel hurt at what could have been: not only the wedding itself, but the life we had planned, and all the years I had spent with the man I thought I had loved more than anything.
“Shark guy!” a groomsman called across the yard, one hand holding a drink, the other saluting Joel.
I put my hand on Joel’s leg. “What was that about?”
He good-humoredly rolled his eyes. “Oh, just something from today.”
“Tell me,” I prodded. “I’m sorry I didn’t really give you a chance to tell me about your day earlier. I was too busy being very self-involved. But I want to know how it went.”
He grinned but wouldn’t make eye contact, and I sensed he was hiding something. “It was good. We went out on a dive boat, and everybody got a chance in the cage.”
“And you saw sharks?” I helped him along. “Yeah, four of them.” Silence again.
Matt walked up with Emma and slapped Joel on the back.
“Shark guy! Natalie!” he greeted, claiming the seats in front of us.
“Hi, Natalie.” Emma looked amazing in her bright yellow maxi wrap dress. She leaned in toward me. “What are they talking about?”
I shrugged.
“He didn’t tell you?” Matt asked.
Again, I shook my head and offered a pursed lip smile.
“You didn’t tell her!?” Matt was getting louder, presumably thanks to his beverage.
Joel’s eyes pleaded silence while he looked back and forth between Matt and me.
Matt wasn’t having it. And he surely believed what he said next was only heard by Joel. “Come on, man. I thought you said she’s your foxhole person. Why wouldn’t you tell her?”
Hearing the same description I gave him—said about me—made everything around us cease to exist. I could see Joel’s blush rising and Matt get more animated while Emma tried to defuse the moment, but I heard none of what was being spoken. My heart beat in my ears. Everything stopped.
He saw me the same way I saw him.
Despite telling me he couldn’t fall in love with me, I was the one he wanted next to him through all the good moments and during the awful ones too. That was love. Before we could talk about it, the quartet began the Pachelbel Canon in D, and Ben took his spot under the arch as the bridal party made their way down the aisle prior to Lea’s grand entrance.
Still reeling from what Matt said, I barely registered Joel taking my hand and giving it a squeeze before tracing his thumb along my index finger. He kissed my temple and whispered, “Most beautiful one here, by far.”
I gazed at him, drinking him in. His green eyes looked back at me with so much warmth. Anybody with half a rational mind would say we were falling way too fast, but I didn’t care anymore. I needed him in a way I had never needed anybody before. And it didn’t even scare me. “Foxhole person, huh? ”
He knew I got it. He squeezed my hand three times. “Foxhole person.”
“That’s kind of ironic because—” I didn’t finish my thought as Lea appeared at the bottom of the steps. Wearing my wedding dress.
My hand slacked in Joel’s and tears took up residence in the corners of my eyes. Joel leaned over.
“Is everything all right?” he whispered, concern laced his voice.
I played it off. “She just looks so gorgeous, doesn’t she?”
That part wasn’t even a lie. She wore the dress better than I did. Her tall, toned frame perfectly held the flutter sleeve, faux wrap bodice with its cascading ruffle. It was a simple, timeless design that lent well to a boho botanical garden wedding vibe, which is why I had picked it. As was the case, it also worked for a simple, elegant wedding on the beach.
She reached the arch, the music stilled, and we were invited to sit as the ceremony began. I heard nothing while focusing my breathing. A spiraling of massive proportions threatened to overcome me. I had so far only had momentary lapses of stability while alone and was able to keep myself from completely falling apart by eating something to stave o- the emotional impact my brain wanted to work through. Taking three deep breaths from the belly and out through the nose, I calmed myself back to the present.
By listening to everybody else, I knew when to laugh and when to ooh and aww. It felt like I was pulling this off while keeping myself together. Joel seemed immersed in the moment, seated next to me without an ounce of understanding the sheer exhaustion it was taking me to make it through the ceremony.
Once the vows were exchanged and the kiss was had, we found ourselves seated at a table with Annie and Jeff, and Emma and Matt, enjoying another single crab cake, with the promise of oven roasted, pepper crusted beef tenderloin coming shortly. A few more guys offered high fives and fist bumps, referring to Joel as “shark guy!” as they made their way to their tables, which Joel—again—waved off. Before I could force it out of him, our conversation turned to the other couples sharing what they were planning on doing with their last few days in Hawaii. I participated intently, and as long as I didn’t look in the direction of Lea, my mind forgot all about its earlier freak out.
The quartet had been replaced by a DJ, who set up on the patio near the breezeway where we had first met everybody the prior evening. The bride requested mostly upbeat number one hits from the high school and college years, and everybody waxed nostalgic with each new song that came on. The servers brought around the main course while Lea and Ben made the rounds to each table, allowing congratulations to be shared and simultaneously thanking people for coming so far to be a part of their big day.
Joel pushed back his chair and raised himself to give the bride a kiss on the cheek and hug his old friend. “So happy for you two. Thanks for letting me be a part of everything.”
“Of course! But really, so happy you were able to spend some time with us, shark guy!” Ben retorted, then turned to me. “And great to meet you, Natalie. You’re kind of awesome, if you didn’t realize it. Hope the next time we see you two, it’ll be for this same kind of event?” He gave an exaggerated wink as Lea playfully slapped him and told him to leave us alone. The rest of the table hollered their agreement.
I felt my cheeks heat, but before either one of us could say anything to the contrary, the groom had already made his way to Matt and Emma, leaving Joel to sit down and shyly poke at his food.
I took a bite and chewed a moment before asking, “What are you thinking? ”
He smiled and a sparkle in his eye told me he was lying. “Not much. This”—he pointed to his beef tenderloin—“is actually not too bad. What do you think?”
I put down my fork and turned toward a server carrying pineapple whip, swiping two cups from the tray and handed one to Joel. “I think it’s time you tell me about this new nickname you got.”
“Take a bite. This is also really good,” he said, trying his dessert, ignoring me.
I scowled and took a bite, savoring the sweet flavor. The lights cast a glow on Joel, accentuating the green of his eyes, the slight crook in his nose, his chiseled jaw hidden underneath his beard, his mouth that I craved. After sitting back down, he had turned his chair toward me, leaving no gap. Recalling the way he had looked at me when I came out of my bedroom, the foxhole sentiments, the bashful way he took in Ben’s teasing just now: there was an electricity pulsating between us that neither one of us was willing to acknowledge. Not yet. Not in front of everybody. It left my heart beating so hard I thought it would bound out of my chest.
He caught me checking him out and a small trace of delight danced across his face. “What?”
I put my dessert on the table and pushed my chair back, holding out my hand. With all the confidence in the world, I told him, “Come dance with me.”
His eyes never left mine as he led me to the dance floor. He leaned in while we walked across the yard and nuzzled his nose against my ear, his breath unsteady. “Have I told you how beautiful you look tonight?”
“Only once.”
Seeing us heading his way, the DJ switched to The Lumineers’ “Ho Hey,” and I was transported back to college, back to who I was before I went corporate and before I got engaged. A time of nothing but hope and possibility.
Joel pulled me close, his right hand on my back, his left holding my hand close to his heart. I could feel it beating as hard as mine was. While the song itself wasn’t that slow, we moved to our own steady beat.
“I told you twice. Once before the ceremony and once at your place.” It came out throaty.
I let out a single laugh and corrected him. “You told me at the ceremony. At my place you asked if we could skip the wedding. I do, however, recall some darkened eyes.”
This made him laugh that dulcet sound I enjoyed so much. I felt diners watching us for the first time as he replied. “My apologies. I thought it was implied.”
My voice dropped, feeling as if everyone could hear our conversation. “Technicalities aside, thank you. My turn. I don’t think I’ve told you how good you look tonight.” I straightened his bowtie playfully before resuming our slow movement around the floor.
He pulled back a little and straightened up. “Well, it’s about time you noticed!”
I threw back my head in a bellowing laugh. If people weren’t paying attention to us before, they were now. Joel pulled me back close to him again, and I could smell his aftershave as I put my cheek by his.
“You make me happy, you know?” he whispered.
My brain registered another slow song starting, but we stopped moving. I slid my hand from his back and into his hair, tousling it lightly. He pulled his face back, his eyes roaming over my lips. I parted them slightly, sucking in a breath. I slackened the hand that had been holding his and wrapped it behind his neck as he dipped me there on the dance floor in front of everybody and crushed his lips against mine. There was a new urgency I hadn’t felt before; his lips pushing mine apart to deepen the kiss. As swiftly as it began, it was over, and he pulled me upright to the applause of the entire party. I touched my swollen lips and looked at him with wide eyes, my face matching the color of my dress .
Above the cheering, I could hear Ben call out, “Our officiant just said he’d take care of you two tonight, if you want!” I giggled, turning to see Lea covering his mouth with her hands.
I looked back at Joel, my smile reaching my ears. “What was that?”
“That,” he looked pleased with himself, “is how happy you make me.”