Chapter 29
MY MIND IS STRONG
CORA
Once the meeting ends, I lead Elliot to my quarters. My heart thrums heavier with each step, propelled by unanswered questions. Are you sure you want to do this? Why didn’t you tell me? How does this all end?
I can feel Elliot’s eyes on me as we walk, but I don’t return his gaze until we’ve reached my door.
Only then, once we’re closed inside my quarters, do I turn to face him.
My mind stalls on the list of questions, but I can’t bring myself to ask a single one.
Still, Elliot waits patiently for me to speak.
He must have things he wants to say too.
He must be shocked by his own mama’s decisions, afraid of what might happen to her now.
And yet, he’s clearly more worried about what’s going through my mind.
It sends an unexpected rush of emotions through me, and before I waste another second, I surge onto my toes, pulling him into a tight hug.
I bury my head against his chest, feeling my own stresses fade as he wraps his arms around me.
I pull back, just enough to kiss him, trying desperately to convey everything I’m too afraid to admit out loud.
Thank you.
I missed you, too.
I love you—so much it terrifies me.
I’m the one to finally break the kiss. If we’d gone any longer, I’m confident we wouldn’t pull apart until we were naked and sated in my bed. As appealing as that sounds, there are too many things to do.
“You should have talked to me first,” I say finally. My voice comes out sharp, reprimanding almost. “This…there will be no coming back from this, Elliot.”
“Secora,” is all he says. Where my voice is a vicious snap, his is melted butter as he touches my face. His fingers rake through my hair, pausing to release the fastened band. As I gape at him, he works his fingers through my hair, massaging my scalp. “My Secora.”
“You’re distracting me,” I accuse, but I don’t try to stop him either. I let my eyes flutter shut as he plays with my hair.
“You shouldn’t have lied,” he says, ignoring me. “You should have told me what my mama did to you.”
I still, but Elliot doesn’t. As my pulse quickens, his touch slides from my hair, down the sides of my neck. His hands are gentle and slow, pressing softly against my skin.
“I should have realized it,” he adds. “But you shouldn’t have lied.”
I try to swallow uselessly. My throat is too dry.
“It makes sense,” he continues. “I would’ve gone to Mama for help, and when she failed you…I killed him. I killed him because I couldn’t handle that he got away with it. That my mama let him get away with it.”
The word mama has never sounded more like a four letter curse.
“Did she know I killed him?” he asks. His fingers continue playing with my hair, and though I’m desperate to look at his face, I can’t bring myself to open my eyes. “Did she know, Secora?”
My chest is hollow. I scramble for something to say, something to excuse what happened. Even after Elliot knew most of the truth, I wasn’t sure I’d ever tell him this. He loves his mama, and despite her endless faults, I know she loves him too.
But he also loves me, and he deserves to know.
“Yes,” I whisper finally. My voice is so quiet, I’m not sure I’ve spoken aloud. It is only the way Elliot tenses that I know I have.
“Tell me,” he says. He’s closer to begging than demanding.
“I brought you to her,” I say finally. “I offered to take the fall, Elliot, for what it’s worth.”
He doesn’t respond. Doesn’t move or breathe. His hands rest on my shoulders, no longer playing with my hair.
“I couldn’t cover it up by myself,” I explain.
Now that Elliot’s stopped moving, I can’t stand still.
I wrap my arms around his waist, pressing myself almost desperately against his chest. “I agreed to take the blame. In exchange, your mama promised not to seek the death penalty. She was supposed to exile me.”
Still no movement, no reaction. I keep my eyes closed, too afraid of what I’ll see if I look up.
“I like to think she meant it. At least in the beginning,” I say.
I rub my hands across his back, then up and down his spine.
“She wanted your memories though. She couldn’t stand that I had them, and I understand why.
I’m sure she thought I would turn on you at some point, that I’d expose the truth of what you did to Harrison.
She refused to exile me until I gave them.
“So I was kept in that prison.” My voice cracks, and I pause to take a steadying breath.
“They tried everything to get the memories out, but my mind is strong. Nothing worked, and I refused to let them in. They beat me. Starved me. Humiliated me. Until finally…your mama realized there was an easier solution to destroy them.”
Elliot lets out a strangled sob, and the sound is like frigid water over my head. I snap out of my dazed recount, pulling back to look at him. He’d been perfectly still seconds ago, but now his whole body shakes. Tears streak his face as he takes heaving breaths, failing to regain control.
“Don’t, Elliot. You’re the reason I escaped,” I tell him firmly.
I speak the words against his chest, right next to his heart.
“After Harrison raped me, you took off those cuffs. You replaced them with a faulty set. They all thought I was powerless, but I wasn’t.
Whether you knew it or not, you got me out of that prison. ”
“I was the reason you were in it,” he says through a shaky breath. “And my mama…”
“She was wrong. She made the wrong choice, but I understand her,” I say softly.
It’s the truth. Much as I despise Madam Lyrie for betraying me, I’ve always understood her fear beneath it all.
“She’s still your mama, Elliot. This plan with the vampires won’t end well.
There will inevitably be bloodshed, and if the vampires feel it’s in their best interest—”
“They’ll kill her,” he finishes for me. Strangely, that comment seems to ground him. “I know.”
I swallow, but my throat feels impossibly tight.
“Don’t do this because you’re angry,” I whisper.
Elliot lets out a soft scoff, hugging me tighter against his chest.
“I am angry,” he says, voice steadier than it was moments ago.
“I am angry at what she did to you, to me. I am angry at what she undoubtedly did to other innocent people. But the sacrifice she’s planning…
This isn’t about anger, Secora. She’s planning a genocide.
She has her reasons, but I’ll never forgive myself if I allow it to happen. ”
I breathe Elliot in, letting the soft scent of his cologne flood my senses.
He’s so good, and not for the first time, I wonder how it’s possible.
With Madam Lyrie as his only parent, with Harrison Iyle as his childhood friend, Elliot has every reason to be terrible, and yet, he is the purest soul I’ve ever met.
“I love you,” I whisper. Because I still haven’t said it. I’m not sure I ever have. I’ve kept the words tucked to my chest, too scared what will happen if I let them out.
But love doesn’t disappear just because you don’t acknowledge it. It lingers, multiplies, takes over every breath, whether you accept it or not.
“I love you so much,” I say. “And I’m really happy you’re here. I hope…I hope you stay.”
I don’t mean here, in my quarters, in this vampiric manor. By the way he kisses my head, still hugging me impossibly close, I think he understands. He pulls back, cupping my jaw between his large hands. He looks at me like I’m precious, like I’m beautiful, like I’m exactly as I should be.
“I love you,” he says. He traces my lower lip. “I’m not going anywhere.”
The next morning, we travel to the Day Realm in strategic groups.
Elliot goes first, alone. He’s by far the most likely to be recognized in Ochre, and showing up with an entourage of vampires would foil our plans immediately.
The council would realize he’s a traitor, and our odds of getting Madam Lyrie alone would diminish to near-zero.
After Elliot, the rest of us travel in pairs.
Sebastian and Grace. Me and Amelia. Beatrice and Milas.
The first couple was a hard-won battle for Grace.
Sebastian wanted her to remain at the manor.
She refused because, in her words, if you all die, there’s no way I’m taking over your psycho vampire kingdom.
With only Beatrice and Milas yet to arrive, the rest of us are spread out within Elliot’s home. It’s a spacious house, far bigger than the one we once dreamt of sharing. While the others prepare a holding room for Madam Lyrie, I wander the grand space and imagine myself living here.
It’s a childish game. I was never going to live here.
I don’t belong in the Day Realm, and I’m certainly not wanted here.
I torture myself all the same. I run my hand over the smooth counter.
I imagine sitting on it while Elliot cooks dinner.
I’ve never been much of a cook. I suppose I don’t know whether he is either, but I can see it.
Me here with my legs crossed, him at the stove, grinning back at me.
Maybe there’d be tiny footsteps upstairs or maybe it’d just be us. It’d be lovely, far more than I deserve.
“They have many homes like this in the Night Realm?” Elliot asks, startling me. He stands just behind me, a soft smile playing on his lips. I turn to face him, feeling blush scour my entire face. Though he can’t possibly know what I was thinking, I feel exposed.
“I don’t know,” I say. I lean back against the counter and tip my chin to look at Elliot. “I doubt it. Maybe some nice, dilapidated stone castles though.”
“Dilapidated castles are my favorite.”