29. Nick
NICK
Stronger - Finding Neverland
Sitzprobe is the first rehearsal where the full orchestra plays with the performers, so we don’t worry about blocking or stage directions. That rehearsal is tomorrow.
Chelsea flew back this afternoon, and while I don’t need to be here, I still want it to run smoothly.
The orchestra musicians warm up in the recessed pit, mostly Conservatory campers, with a few music majors from Sadler.
And Ethan on drums. The boards of the stage creak beneath my feet, and a warm summer breeze cuts through the air conditioning as the loading bay doors open behind the stage.
I’m supervising the loading of the barricade and other set pieces to help June.
She’s got a million things on her checklist, from lighting cues to scene changes.
Speaking of cues, June’s up in the sound booth, going over everything with the tech people. Her halo of blonde hair is visible even from this far upstage.
“Nicholas, my love!” Chessie throws one arm out to hug me, the other clutching her conductor’s score.
“Man, am I glad you’re back.” A knot of tension in my back unwinds for the first time in two and a half weeks.
Ethan marches over, drumsticks twirling between his fingers. “There’s my girl.”
Chessie steps back, patting Ethan’s cheek, then my shoulder. “My two favorite straight boys.”
“How’s Nat’s mom?” Ethan asks as we head downstage to the auditorium seats in front of the pit.
“Stable.” She blows out a breath. “Recovery will be a long process, but she’s awake and doing well. Nat asked me to tell you how much it meant to her that you and Juniper stepped up so she could be there for her mom. Where’s June?”
“Up in the booth.” I sigh, running a hand over my hair.
“Nicholas Harper, what did you do?” she asks.
“What do you mean what did I do?”
“You sounded kind of …” Chessie’s voice fades, but Ethan picks up her apparent train of thought.
He punches my arm. Hard. “You sound worried. Did you break up?”
“Ow, fuckface. And no, of course we didn’t break up. It’s sort of the opposite? Maybe?” I rub my arm. Damn, Ethan’s got serious muscle from playing drums.
The doors bang open at the back of the house as campers make their way to the stage, steps slow and awed. Some of the musicians warm up, the violins rich and resonant in the theatre.
“How dare you say something so incomprehensibly shocking yet vague when I’m conducting an orchestra in five minutes.” Chessie smacks my arm with her score book.
“Thank you, five.” Ethan smirks.
“At least hit the other arm. Fuck.” I massage said appendage.
Ethan’s smirk drops and he glares. “What our good friend Chessica means is, elaborate under pain of death.”
I rub the back of my neck, fingers digging into the tight muscles there. And I use the arm that wasn’t hit. Twice. “I’m taking a sabbatical from teaching and moving to New York.”
“With June?” Ethan asks.
“Well—no. I haven’t told her yet.”
“Dude.”
“Now is not the time, people.” Chessie points a threatening finger at me. “I’ve got a sitzprobe to run, but don’t you dare leave until I call for a break.”
“Yes, ma’am.” I back up a few steps, not eager to get hit again.
Ethan settles himself behind his kit in the recessed pit while Chelsea dumps her binder on the music stand. The campers seat themselves in a large semi-circle on the stage with leads and larger parts in the front row, chorus members behind them.
I kick back front row center in a theatre seat and let the music wash over me. The blaring horns ring out the theme for “Look Down,” growing in intensity until a Conservatory camper strikes the timpani, then Ethan’s drum beat comes in, mimicking the chain gang.
Goosebumps raise the hair on the back of my neck. No matter how many times I hear it, the first rehearsal where everything comes together is pure magic. I catch Ethan’s eye, and he gives me a smile and nod as he plays.
The real magic isn’t the performers, or the musicians, or even the scenery. It’s sharing that experience with a room full of people. Emotions are solitary things. No one knows anyone else inside out. Except in theatre, where the audience witnesses pain and joy not separately, but together.
Ethan watched me experience that rush. He nodded because he felt it, too—the connection only found through live performances. That’s the magic of theatre.
Chessie stops for a break after “Stars”, and she scurries to sit next to me. Ethan shuffles over, too, though he sits in the row behind us and leans in.
I spit out my words fast, because June’s onstage now, directing the stagehands on where she needs different sets and the barricade to go. “June’s got an audition for a touring show during the gala.”
“Why wouldn’t you tell her your big news, though?” Ethan’s arms drape over the backs of our chairs.
“Because it’s a tour. If she books it, it doesn’t matter if I’m in New York or Sadlersburg. She won’t be there.” I shove away all the fears rising in my gorge. I trust her, but that kind of distance will put a new strain on our relationship.
“So?” Ethan asks.
“What if she thinks I’m trying to influence her decisions?
” The details were finalized yesterday, and I laid awake all last night, holding June tight while debating.
If I tell her before her audition, she might think I won’t support her touring.
But I also don’t want to show up on her doorstep, yelling, “Surprise!”
“Maybe she wants to make those decisions with you,” he counters.
“But it’s more complicated for her. I don’t know how to talk about it because her career?—”
“It’s harder for a woman.” Chessie’s tone isn’t angry, just resigned.
“Exactly. Her passion and drive are two things I l-love about her, but I don’t know how to tell her without adding guilt or stress.”
Ethan rubs his lips together, nodding. “You’re worried she’ll assume you want her to skip the audition.”
“You don’t want to influence her decisions, but is she influencing yours, Nick? Are you moving for her?” Chessie’s shrewd green eyes lock on mine.
“No,” I answer.
“Ethan is skeptical,” Ethan says.
“Why is Ethan referring to himself in the third person, and also why is he skeptical?” she asks.
“Probably because of the crush I told you about,” I reply, smiling at Chessie as I do to let her know there’s no hard feelings.
“Shit, shit, shit.” She bangs the heel of her hand into her forehead. “I forgot I mentioned it to June. Nick, I’m really sorry. I thought you’d talked about it already?—”
“No apology necessary. It’s not your fault. I should’ve told her to begin with. But we’ve … talked about it.” I leave it at that, otherwise the memory of June’s mouth on my cock will obliterate my thought process.
She’s directing a stagehand to set the bridge railing for “Stars” in place, and she must feel my eyes on her, because she turns and offers a dazzling smile.
I’m glad we talked, not only because of what we did afterwards, but now I’ve stopped worrying I’ll let something slip. I’ve stopped holding that small part of me back. When June claimed me, saying I was hers, I gave over every last piece of my heart.
“It’s great that you’re taking Juniper’s feelings into account, but you have to meet your needs first. You can’t show up for her fully if you don’t show up fully for yourself,” Chessie says, pulling me back to the conversation.
“Snaps for Chessica,” Ethan pronounces.
“I am doing this for myself. Maybe I’ll fail spectacularly, but it’s mine, and I’ll own it. And I’d rather fail by acting than miss out by standing still.” Failure’s an open door, a bridge, and while there’s no way to know what’s on the other side, I’m ready to find out.
Ethan grasps my shoulder, squeezing. “This is awesome. I’m fucking proud of you.”
“Could you squeeze the other arm? The one you didn’t hit?”
“Pus—”
Chessie spears Ethan with a wicked glare. “I swear to Hecate, if you call him a pussy as an insult, I will show you how hard someone with a pussy can hit.”
Ethan sits back, properly chastised. “Would you believe I was going to say pull yourself together?”
“No, but I’m willing to pretend because I love you for some unknown reason.
” Chessie blows him a kiss. “And you.” She turns her gaze on me.
“I love you, and I’m proud of you, too. Whatever you need once you get to the city, you let me know.
Nat and I will be back and forth between New York and Florida for the next little while as her mom improves, but anything you need. I mean it.”
“I know.” My chest tightens. Whether I succeed or not, I have a group of people willing to stay with me through it all.
“Kids are getting squirrely, gotta get back.” Chessie leaves for her conductor’s platform.
Ethan doesn’t move, just rests his chin on his arms, folded over the seat. “It’s gonna suck here without you.”
“Yeah, who are you going to drag to bars and make fun of?”
“Fuck off, you know I love you, dickhead.”
“I do. And I love you too, asshole.”
“Glad that’s settled.” He ruffles my hair. “I know things are complicated with June’s audition, but you do understand that when she leaves Conservatory, she’ll think it’s really goodbye?”
My mouth opens, then shuts. “I hadn’t thought about it that way.”
“Insightful as fuck, I am.” He sniffs, standing. His fingers tap out a rhythm against his thigh, the anchor tattoo on his hand rippling with the movement. “I only mention it because, speaking from brand-new personal experience, saying goodbye to you sucks balls.”
“I’ll miss you too,” I murmur as Ethan strides for the pit, his face obscured in the shadows.
With Chessie back, I’m free to help June. While the actors and musicians rehearse, she delegates like the boss she is, and I’m on props duty with the stage manager. As I set up the prop tables and tape everything out, Chessie’s words rattle around my brain: how to show up fully for myself.
An inkling of an idea struck me when I spoke with my dad, and Chelsea’s words confirm it. There’s a way to do both. It scares the shit out of me, and that’s how I know I should do it.
I’ll talk to Shelley about it tomorrow.
For tonight, I’m happy watching June tell everyone what to do and shoot me secret smiles when no one’s looking.