Chapter 18
By the time we both pull away from the kiss, we’re both gasping, desperate for air as our lungs burn, begging to be filled. I’ve never been kissed before, did I do okay? Did he hate it? How will I know if he liked it? Should I ask?
Cayden sits down beside me, his hand finding mine and our fingers interlocking as we both share this moment of silence, both of us wondering what we just did. What happens now?
How is it in nineteen years I’ve killed at least a hundred people, but I’ve only been kissed once?
“Darlia, I—”
“I think The Academy is trying to kill me,” I say before Cayden can say something stupid. Great first kiss talk, Darlia. His mouth closes instantly, whatever words were about to escape getting caught in his throat with my confession.
“Either that, or they are trying to make me obedient again. Scare me into submission.”
“I won’t let anything happen to you.”
“Last time you said that, I ended up in the chair.”
Cayden goes silent, the words hanging heavy in the air.
He knows about the chair, I know he does since he sent Marcus in to save me, but I don’t know how much he knows.
Does he know I was electrocuted? Waterboarded?
Does he know how long I was there for? I don’t.
I can assume for a day, but how am I supposed to know?
They drugged me, how long did the drug last?
Did they administer it once? Twice? Did they intend to let me die from hypothermia?
“They were testing me. The library was a test to see if I would disobey orders. Then again today with my dress, they were testing me. They let me choose what dress I wanted to wear, and I chose the one least liked by The Academy. They know I’m starting to question them.
I don’t think I’ll survive much longer unless I go back to who they want me to be.
I felt it, when I hurt Clover. I felt the coldness rush back.
I didn’t care that I hurt someone, I didn’t care that she was human or just a girl.
I only cared about myself, about hurting someone so I could survive. ”
“You are more than that, love. So much more than that, we both know it.”
“Do we?” My eyes meet his for the first time, and I let the uncertainty show. How can he be so certain in who I am when I don’t even know for myself? I don’t even look in the mirror anymore, because even I don’t recognise the girl staring back at me.
I wonder if I used to have dreams, goals? Who did I want to be before this life was forced on me? I probably said something stupid like I wanted to be a princess or a fairy. Something expected of a four-year-old.
The same four-year-old who was thrown into a brutal training academy that made me into a killer.
I don’t think she would be very proud of me, but I kept us alive.
“How did you manage to convince The Academy to agree to your dinner?” I ask, trying to shift the conversation. It’s nothing like their usual missions. To have an invitation means we lose the element of surprise, and that’s exactly what we are trained on.
“I didn’t, they just agreed. I said I had information I would only tell you.”
“You realise if I go back empty handed, they will kill me, right?”
“I thought we established, I wouldn’t let that happen.”
The flush on my cheeks that was finally disappearing comes rushing back. I feel my heart race slightly, a range of emotions I have never felt before meeting Cayden flowing through me. He knows exactly what he’s doing to me, and he’s doing it anyway.
“They know about Marcus. They don’t know his name or have any idea of his appearance, apart from his hair colour, but they know you’re not working alone.
I said I didn’t know anything, but you should probably be more careful.
They’re watching you as much as they’re watching me.
I think they also know about your other friend, the blond one, but they don’t have any details. ”
Cayden nods, a sigh escaping his lips as he runs a hand through his curls. “Yeah, I know, love. I know. But thank you for not saying anything, you’ve saved his life. And thank you for telling me, trusting me.”
“It was for Lauren’s diary,” I admit. Now we’re even, now I don’t have to hide anything else if it means my survival.
But I want to, which only confuses me more.
I know keeping things to myself could kill me, but for some reason, I can’t force myself to betray Cayden like that.
He could tell me his secrets and for some reason beyond me, I would keep them. Or at least I would try to.
“I know.” He smiles, his hand squeezing mine gently. “Have you had time to read some of it?” I nod, suddenly finding the concrete very interesting.
“Yeah, I have. I made her feel like she had to impress me, that she had to kill. It’s a guilt that I don’t know how to manage.” The honesty slips past my lips before I can stop it. Like it always seems to happen with Cayden.
Just an hour ago, I walked in here guarded and in control. Now, not only am I spilling my secrets to someone I’ll eventually have to kill, but I kissed him. I kissed the man betraying The Academy. The people I’m supposed to trust, the people who have kept me alive.
“Cayden, I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“I know, love. I know.”
“I’m tired.” My voice breaks, and I turn away, not wanting Cayden to see the tears in my eyes.
His smile doesn’t reach his eyes this time when I finally turn back to look at him. I see the one thing I’ve never seen before when someone looks at me. Pity.
In an instant, I’m a wall again. How could I have been dumb enough to ever think he wouldn’t pity me? To think he would just listen and not react? Of course he wouldn’t.
Cayden’s not like me, he hasn’t been taught to suppress every emotion.
“I’m here for dinner, right? Let’s go eat.”
Instead of arguing, Cayden stands, leaving my hand in his and leading me back inside. As we sit down the plates arrive. Another new dish I’ve never tried before, but I don’t question it, eating like I’m starved and goddamn it, the food is amazing.
“Slow down, darling. It’s not going anywhere,” Cayden says softly, and I feel myself slowing down on his command. I don’t understand all the feelings I have surrounding this man, it’s complicated.
How does this man make me feel inferior and superior at the same time? Like I’m trying to be mad at him, but then he manages to break down my walls again time after time. I hate it. It’s confusing.
Cayden is sat next to me, opposite to Marcus while Bella is opposite to me. Like always, Cayden is watching my every move, my every reaction. His eyes follow my fork to my lips watching as I eat, he looks…happy? I can never tell.
“If you don’t finish, that I will,” Bella says, staring down at my half-eaten plate. I pull it closer to me, giving her silent glare.
“I haven’t had food for a day, steal someone else’s plate.”
Before she can argue, Marcus hands his plate to Bella. “Here, I’m full.” My eyebrows lift in shock, and I look up to Cayden who smirks at my reaction.
“Surprised, love?” I can’t decide if I want to stab him with the fork or smile. Maybe both? Definitely both.
His sarcasm is infuriating, he is infuriating. “Don’t be mad at me, love. You kissed me, too.”
Bella spits out the drink she had just sipped while Marcus’s jaw drops. Clearly the kiss wasn’t planned, judging by that reaction. But it only makes me question why he kissed me. “You kissed him? Darlia!”
“Oh, piss off.”
“Darlia, you could be killed for that!” Bella yells, a huff escaping as she stares at me.
I can tell she’s worried, but she doesn’t have any reason to be.
Cayden promised I wouldn’t get hurt, and while I don’t believe that, I do believe he wouldn’t let me die; at least not until he’s done with his games he’s still trying to get me to figure it out.
“I’ll be fine, no one is going to tell. Right?”
Bella’s nod is instant, but the worry doesn’t leave her eyes. “Darlia, I already—”
“You won’t lose me, I promise.”
We both lost the people we considered sisters, family. We only have each other left now and I mean every word when I say Bella won’t lose me. Not only am I too stubborn to die, I’m trained to survive. I won’t let either of us end up like Kylie or Lauren.
Cayden suggested another walk outside after dinner, so we made our way back out to the back gardens. This time he leads me to a private patch of grass where a blanket has been laid down.
“I didn’t want you getting your dress dirty. Lay down?”
Confusion knits my brows, but I comply, laying down on the blanket and looking up at the sky above. There are so many stars here. Back at The Academy, the air pollution is so bad we barely get to see any in the few seconds we’re outside, leaving for missions.
But here, here the sky has thousands of them, all lighting up the sky and twinkling without a care in the world.
All without knowing the horrors happening in the real world.
They look so peaceful. I wish I was a star, I would shine just as bright, if not brighter, without a care in the world, because I wouldn’t have to care. No one could hurt me.
Cayden lays down beside me, pulling me into his side so that our bodies touch, his warmth seeping through me like a furnace. “My sister loves looking at the stars, too. I figured it was a universal girl thing.”
Fuck.
“Cayden I don’t want to know that, what if…what if they manage to break me? What if I tell them? You shouldn’t trust me with details like that.”
“I do trust you.”
“Cayden, please—”
He shakes his head, turning to look at me.
He lays on his side, resting his weight on his arm as the other circles my waist. “Darlia, you beautiful, stubborn girl. No one is going to break you. I watched you be drugged and completely out of your mind, strapped to a chair while they questioned you, trying to use your vulnerability against you, and you told them nothing.”
“I wasn’t out of my mind, I was conscious.”
“Not in the beginning, you weren’t.”