33. Just Pretend
Chapter thirty-three
Just Pretend
NOAH
The soft rapping on the window broke my concentration. I remained motionless, eyes looking out into the blackness outside, the curtain of my window casually pulled back to reveal nothingness.
Did I really hear that just now?
I paused and paid close attention. A few seconds later, the same gentle knocking pattern returned. I got out of bed and headed for the window to take a closer inspection.
I peered out into the night and jumped when my sight came in contact with the grey eyes I knew too well.
Silas was there, perched atop the shingles of the roof like a vulture.
He was dressed in a full black on black business suit, tie included, and I was in awe wondering how he managed to climb up to my room’s level without breaking a sweat in that.
His knuckle, the source of the knocking sound, slid down the glass when he noticed me gawking.
He winked at me from the other side, causing my cheeks to flame.
I fumbled to open the window, knowing I probably waited too long due to my staring.
“What in the world are you doing here?” I asked, hastily helping him through the opening.
Silas only smiled, and I turned from him, scowling.
“You could’ve gotten injured, you know,” I muttered, returning to my seat on the bed as Silas dusted off his pants from his trek.
“You were a no show after our drive,” Silas remarked, striding over to me. “And I was so looking forward to your visit.”
I swallowed. I had completely forgotten about the prior plans we had made after our… meeting in his car. A sharp pang of guilt waved over me, but I dismissed it as Silas grew closer to where I sat.
“Is something wrong?” he asked, reading my body language like a damn book and bending forward so that his face was looking down into mine.
I angled away from him, fidgeting with the actual book I had in my hands moments before his arrival. “No, I’m fine.”
The bed shifted as Silas took a seat next to me, his warm presence both inviting and repelling at the same time. I was stiff, my eyes unable to come together with his. The tension in the air told me all I needed to know.
He saw right through me.
And what did I expect really? I’d known this guy my whole life. I’d now been seen by him in almost every way. Of course he could tell that I was hiding something.
“Hey,” Silas murmured, reaching a hand out to touch my face. “Why aren’t you looking at me?”
I jerked my head back before Silas could touch me, but in doing so, tilted my bad side towards the light, and into his line of vision.
Silas’s hand halted. His eyebrows furrowed.
“What—”
And then he saw it.
His eyes widened and I tried to hide my face in shame. Too late. His hand flew back out, taking my cheeks forcefully, and turning my head back upwards.
I flinched from the contact.
“What happened to your eye, Noah?” Silas asked softly, turning my chin a bit each way to analyze the imperfection. “It looks terrible.”
Moments like these was when our age gap became apparent to me. Silas had entered incessant worrier mode.
Even through my annoyance, I couldn’t meet his gaze. “I got into a fight.” It was partly the truth. “Let go,” I added weakly.
“With who?” Silas demanded, ignoring my request. “Who did this?” he repeated, his thin fingers lightly outlined the soon to be scar.
I shoved his hands away, finally tired of being prodded. “No one, okay? This is nothing.”
“The fuck it is,” Silas growled, his jaw clenching. “Who fucking touched you?”
I was taken aback at his ferocity. “There is nothing you can do, so just drop it,” I hissed, standing and tossing the book to the other side of the room.
I shouldn’t have even let him in. He wasn’t going to let it go. “I’m not talking about this,” I insisted.
“You better,” he threatened, following me. “Or I’m staying here much longer than you’d like me to.”
I huffed impatiently. What was I supposed to tell him?
“You wouldn’t understand, Silas. I can’t–”
“What do you mean, I don’t understand?” he interrupted, placing his hand on his chest. “How am I supposed to understand, when you never tell me anything, Noah?”
“It was David,” I mumbled before I had the chance to stop myself. “He threw me down, and I hit the desk corner.”
Silas took a moment to ingest my words. His stoic features faltered and he cleared his throat before confirming, “Your father?”
I nodded sharply, even though that word felt like poison being injected into me. “Yes, my father. Are you happy with the information now? Just drop it.”
Silas spat out a laugh. “No, I won’t. Have you seen your eye? What did Damian say? Your father can’t be hurting you like that.”
My eyes began to water. The truth was brewing within me, about to surface. I couldn’t keep it down much longer. I was cracking.
Silas shook his head, and I could see his evaluation skills at work, attempting to find the logic behind this madness. He needed to label it, to classify it in order to understand it, and nothing was going to stop him from getting the information he desired. “Why would he even put hands on you?”
“He tends to get a little rough before he takes advantage of people.” The tear crawled down my cheek and past my nose after the words flew out. I didn’t even bother to try and hold back. It was sort of a relief, saying it outloud.
“He touched you?” Silas’s voice rose, and his hands curled into fists.
I snorted, wiping at my face, unable to believe I actually spoke the truth into existence. My laughter came out in nervous bursts.
“Rape. It’s not a difficult thing to master—you should know.”
That last part was a low blow and I knew it. But I needed to push him away now. He knew too much, and he was too close to the secret parts that I’d never shared. I was exposed. Too seen. I wanted to shrink back into the shadows.
I wanted to disappear.
I dared to look at him. He stared, dumbstruck, completely silent. His face instantly filled with the one emotion I couldn’t take.
Not pity, I thought. Anything but that.
Another tear escaped, trailing down my cheek before I could wipe it out of existence.
Silas had drawn a blank. I wondered if he needed to reboot. “He–”
“Yes!” I snapped.
Silence.
It was consuming.
I had never told anyone what happened to me as a child. This secret I’d held alone, confined to the innermost cage of my being, where it had clawed and pressed against locked metal bars, pleading to be released.
And now, it would finally get its wish.
My shoulders lifted into a weak shrug, and I spilled the toxins. “This isn’t the first time he’s done this to me.”
“More...than once?” Silas asked, his mouth agape.
“More than you want to hear about,” I nearly snarled.
It was out. I had said it. Now that I had spoken the truth into the world, I couldn’t stop.
“But this is the first time in almost ten years. As you might imagine, it was to my great surprise,” I said sarcastically, trying to steady myself from the returning shakes. I gripped myself tightly, as if I could somehow keep my body from falling apart.
Damn. I needed something right now. Drink, drag, whatever. Maybe both. I couldn’t believe I told Silas. It didn’t feel real.
“You were...a child?” he continued questioning.
I shivered. “Yes. And?”
Silas placed a hand over his mouth, as if trying to hold in a silent scream. “My god, Noah…”
“Didn’t you ever wonder why I was so fucked up?
” I inquired with another snicker. It was a genuine question though, that combined with my defense mechanism to push away.
To belittle. To self condemn. There was no way Silas could have considered me normal all our lives.
I wondered, what was the excuse in his mind?
His eyes sought answers that mine couldn’t provide. My bottom lip quivered, and I knew he saw it. He reached for me, “I would’ve never have thought this.”
His words were so genuine, I nearly retched.
I turned away from his contact, running my hand through my hair. I paced in the opposing direction to keep my nerves at bay. Where had I placed that vape? “Oh, shut up, it doesn’t matter anymore.”
Silas supervened and grabbed my arm. “Don’t you dare say that!” His eyes darted to the door and back. “We have to tell someone, Noah.”
Heavy weight settled tightly in my chest, and I felt my heart beating in my ears.
What the fuck did he just say?
I was out of my head. My mind was unable to focus on anything other than the words that just came out of Silas’s mouth. I spun abruptly, pulling him flush against me, my eyes swimming with newfound rage.
This information couldn’t get out. No one could know.
“You’re not telling anyone, do you hear me? You can’t tell anyone!” I yelled.
Silas choked on his next words, but the fire in his stare remained, threatening to take action. Action that I knew would cause all hell to break loose. My whole family’s reputation might be ruined.
Because of me.
“Promise,” I begged, my anger melting into panic. I clutched onto his arms. “Promise me, you won’t tell anyone!”
“No one protected you...” Silas muttered to himself. His eyes were shifting. Thinking.
Calculating.
“It’s over, Silas,” I insisted, as though that made the truth less horrible. My hands shot to his face, roughly forcing him to meet my gaze. I had to break him out of whatever idea he was concocting. “And there is nothing that you can do to help me, except keep your mouth shut.”
Silas grounded his teeth together, saying nothing. I had no idea if he was agreeing to my pleas by starting the act of silence now, or if he was just too angry to say anything at all. I hoped to God it was the first one.
“You won’t tell.” My aggressive tone returned, but it was only a matter of time before Silas recognized it as desperation.
“Give me one reason why I shouldn’t,” he challenged.
My hands slid from his face to his shoulders, grasping them tightly. I leaned in closely so he could see my fear. I wanted him to feel my plea from within, to witness my absolute destruction before his very eyes if he exposed this.