41. I Sew Myself Shut
Chapter forty-one
I Sew Myself Shut
NOAH
Iwas about done straightening my tie when there was a soft rap at my bedroom door.
“Coming, mother,” I called out, leaving the small article of clothing to hang loosely around my neck as I went to open the door. She always helped me with those things anyhow.
By the sound of the feather light knock, I expected the face of my mom to appear in the door’s opening.
To my utter surprise, David stood staring back at me from the hallway, like an impractical reflection of myself.
He was wearing a suit and tie as well, looking perfectly gentlemanly for tonight’s occasion.
I stiffened at his presence, keeping my hand tight on the handle of my door, waiting for someone to make the first move.
“What do you want?” I asked, my eyes staring fiercely into his.
David cracked a smile. “I just came in to remind you how crucial tonight will be for my career.”
I glowered at him. “What makes you think I care about your career?”
He chuckled. “A few things come to mind.”
I snarled, starting to close the door. “If I haven’t told anyone already, what makes you think I will talk now?”
David’s hand shot through the crack of the door, holding it open. His strength was no match to my own, despite how hard I tried to close it. “You won’t. I know that,” he said, his lips curling.
I ripped the door open, nearly knocking it off of its hinges as it slammed back against the wall. “Then what do you want! I screamed.
David leisurely entered my room, staring at the door as though he was irritated that I may have damaged it. “I just want to make sure no one…else…takes the liberty of conversing about our business.”
I snorted. “Business? Is that what they call rape now?”
David growled and shut the door behind his entry. I stumbled backwards, catching myself on the side of a shelf before I fell to the ground. David grabbed me by the sides, yanking me upright before I even had time to stable myself.
“I know you’ve told someone,” David hissed into my ear. “I can feel it all around you. The guilt radiates from your skin.”
I trembled slightly. “I’ve told nobody.”
“You’re not telling anyone, do you hear me? You can’t tell anyone!”
“You’re a liar, Noah,” David imparted with a dark, twisted smile.
“I learned from the best.”
He clenched his fist. “Who did you tell?”
“Promise me you won’t tell anyone!”
“No one.”
David’s eyes pierced into mine like a feral lion looking into the eyes of its kill, dragging my deepest, most fearful thoughts forward into the light.
“Who?” He demanded.
My lips curled. “Not to worry, Dad, your secret is safe with me.”
David went silent, and an unnatural stillness filled the space between us both. My adrenaline was already coursing through my veins.
“Satisfied?” I questioned with an incline of my head.
I recoiled when David reached forward. He took hold of the light blue tie around my neck that I had been in the midst of fixing before this chaos began.
“I love it,” David pushed the tie upwards harshly, causing me to gag. “When you call me, Daddy.”
I stayed still. I wasn’t afraid. “Don’t get used to it,” I spat.
David winked. “We’ll see.”
I gnashed my teeth together, knocking his hands away from my throat. I braced myself. “Get out.”
“Is that anyway to speak to your elder?” David laughed hysterically at my authoritative posture.
The tears threatened to emerge from the corners of my eyes. Because, for some reason, when I looked at this man, I could still see the guy who once loved me—a normal father and son love, not this twisted, sickening abomination that it was now.
“Is this any way to talk to your son?” I asked.
My question was hurled into the center of the conflict, impeding David’s laughter. He grew motionless as his eyes flicked over my face, narrowing.
“Hear me, Noah. Listen to me well.” His whisper cut through the air like a blade, and dread tightened in my throat.
David gave me a cruel smile. “I have never thought of you as my son.”
I was powerless to stop the harsh gasp that came out of my mouth.
The pain was worse than being struck in the face, worse than being used.
It was like a dagger had been driven straight into my heart.
My jaw slackened, and whatever strength I contained in my posture crumbled instantly.
My eyes welled up, tears rising without shame, bleeding into the silence.
I didn’t care that David could see them.
Let him. David looked on at me with abhorrence, motionless as stone, allowing his words precious time to seep deeper into the fractures he created.
“Don’t tell me you’re surprised?” he finally cackled.
I can’t breathe.
“You’re a little bitch.”
Nothing is going in.
Everything that I had strived for, every moment of my life spent trying to please this man, every second I used to try and better myself...
…all for nothing?
No, I received consolation, didn’t I?
A sharp cut to the heart, for all your efforts, Noah.
A midnight rape for your time spent, Noah.
A heart of unbreakable granite for all of the tears I consumed, hid away.
Salt, no, lemons, rubbed vigorously into my scars for keeping my mouth shut.
Hatred, for being alive.
Thank you, Noah.
“It’s the hard truth, Noah,” David ridiculed. “You were just,” he paused.
I flinched. Please don’t.
Whatever was coming was going to hurt.
“You were never worthy of the title.”
“You’re nothing.”
I did not move. I expected profanity, violent blows, physical pain, but not this. Never complete and utter denial of our relationship that we shared through blood.
But it wasn’t just that.
Worthy.
To be valued.
I always wanted to be worthy.
David just spoke the words I had been having nightmares about my entire life. I was a failure. I wasn’t worthy of the title of “son” and all of my achievements and efforts to do good in my life were just another aspect to be disappointed about.
“How–” I choked on the steam of tears running down from my eyes.
I had never felt so crushed. I had never been so low to the ground. So empty.
I couldn’t even comprehend how or why, but this hurt worse. Worse than the rape. Worse than the beatings.
“How could you say that to me?” I sputtered out, my voice cracking.
Why me?
I remembered how excited I had been on the day of graduation.
“Where’s father?” I asked, looking over my mother’s shoulder, into the receding crowd.
“He couldn’t make it,” she murmured.
I gripped my diploma. “What? Why?”
“I’m so sorry baby.”
I remembered thinking of how proud he would be after he saw that diploma in my hands.
“Why did you say that?” I whimpered, my eyes finally gaining enough courage to find his.
David scowled and turned to leave. I took a stride forward, grabbing him by the arm.
“How the fuck could you say such a thing?!”
David let out a feral roar and swung his arm back, hitting me with such force that my neck snapped to the left. I yelped from the pain, instantly crossing my arms over my face to block any more strikes that might follow.
David howled with laughter at my cowering stance. “You know what you are? Do you want to know what I think of you, Noah?”
“Father, please!”
“You’re a dismal sex toy. A pussy.”
My hands slipped back down to my sides. I stared into the eyes of my father, wondering when the change happened? When did his switch flip? It wasn’t this way all my life.
“That’s all you are.”
Why?
“To me, to everyone.”
I clutched my heart. My pain generated from that spot, throbbing and acute.
Suddenly, I felt five again. It was a sweet memory.
One of the only few I had. I was running to David before the fear was placed in my soul.
I remembered my father swinging me over his shoulder and carrying me home. We were both so happy.
“Daddy!”
“D–” I suffocated on the word. It took great exertion to get it out. I gulped, desperate for air. “Dad, pl–”
David glanced at his watch. “The party is starting,” he snarled. “Don’t mess it up.”
He turned without another word and sauntered out.
“DAD!” I shouted, lunging for the door. “I’m sorry!”
SLAM.
I skidded to a halt before my face came in contact with it. The door’s closure marked the conclusion of the conversation, the last word, and declaration of my insolence. I sunk to my knees, my whole body trembled.
I pressed my face to the cold floor, crying more deeply than I ever had. I wished my mother was there, hugging me close to her body, pretending that everything would still be fine.
Lying so good, like she always had.
Right now, I had nothing.
I am nothing.
My gaze cut to the side. Underneath my bed, I had a little silver box.
I ripped the metal container from its dormant position, knocking the top of it to the ground.
My fingers were shaking as I flicked it open and gently placed a single bullet into the chamber.
I hastily pressed the barrel to my head.
My vision was blurry and impaired, my mind rushing to the possibilities of death, what it would be, how it would be.
Maybe it would be peaceful, compared to this. My finger found the trigger.
What’s the fucking point? It’s time to put an end to this pain.
I sucked in my last breath.
End this suffering. This poor excuse of an existence.
My closed my eyes. “God, help me.”
My cell phone buzzed from deep down in my pocket. I jumped, the gun falling from my hands and clattering to the floor.
I shook.
I almost did it.
For a moment, I just sat there and listened to the vibrating of my phone. I looked down at the perfectly real gun that would have ended my life. Three more long breaths later, I shakily placed it back inside the cursed box, sliding it back underneath my bed where I knew it would be if I needed it.
I answered my cell.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Noah!”
I pressed the phone closer to my ear.
“W-Who…is this?”
And then the golden resonance was clear.
“It’s Delane, silly!”
I smiled weakly. “Hey, Delane.”
“Oh, you sound sad…are you okay?” she asked.
I clutched my face, my lips quivering as each measured breath left my mouth. “No. I’m fine, thank you.”
I could practically feel her smiling through the phone. I could feel her light. “That’s good. I’m glad.”
“So,” I questioned, wiping my eyes. “Why did you call?”
“Well,” She paused. “The limo arrived at my house and well…I’m here now, so…”
“You’re here?”
“Yes.”
“Like, here? At the estate?”
“We’re pulling into your driveway now, yeah.”
I pushed myself upwards to look out the window. Sure enough, a limo was circling in the driveway. Several valet cars were dropping people at his front door.
“I’m on my way.”