24. Daddys Day
Saturday was the zoo day.
Daddy had said so on Friday when he picked her up from school.
He had said it in the car, just like that, easy and certain, the way Daddy said things when he meant them.
"Tomorrow we'll go to the zoo. Just us. The whole day."
Isla had said really? three times.
Daddy had said really three times back.
She had talked about it the whole drive to the penthouse.
The elephants.
The penguins.
The giraffes with their long strange necks that didn't make sense when you looked at them too long.
Daddy had listened and nodded and said all of them when she asked which ones they would see.
All of them.
She had gone to bed thinking about the giraffes.
She woke up early.
Earlier than she needed to.
The penthouse was quiet and grey with morning light and she lay in the pink and white room for a moment looking at the ceiling.
It didn't have stars.
She didn't say anything about that.
She got up.
She got dressed by herself.
Her good leggings. Her yellow jumper because it was her favourite.
She did her buttons wrong the first time.
She did them right the second time.
She checked in the mirror.
Good.
She picked up Rabbit from the pillow and tucked him under her arm.
She picked up the Ankylosaurus from the bedside table.
She looked at Gerald on the windowsill.
"You have to stay," she told him. "You can't come to the zoo."
Gerald didn't argue.
She went to find Daddy.
Daddy was already up.
He was at the kitchen island in a grey jumper, coffee in hand, phone face up on the marble.
He looked up when she came in.
"Morning, my girl."
"Is it time?" Isla asked.
Daddy smiled.
"Not yet. Breakfast first."
"Then the zoo?"
"Then the zoo," he said.
Isla climbed onto the stool beside him.
She put Rabbit and the Ankylosaurus on the counter so they could have breakfast too.
Daddy made eggs.
He remembered the butter this time.
Isla ate quickly.
She was not a fast eater usually.
Today she was.
"Slow down," Daddy said. "The giraffes will wait."
"What if they're busy?" Isla asked.
"Giraffes are never busy," Daddy said.
Isla thought about this.
"What do they do all day?"
"Eat leaves," Daddy said. "And look tall."
"That's their whole job?"
"That's their whole job."
Isla considered this.
"That sounds nice," she decided.
Daddy laughed.
The real laugh.
The one that made him look like himself.
Isla smiled into her eggs.
After breakfast she helped clear the plates.
She put Rabbit and the Ankylosaurus on the sofa so they could wait properly.
She got her coat from the hook by the door.
She put it on.
All the buttons.
She sat on the sofa next to Rabbit.
Daddy went to get his coat.
Then his phone rang.
He looked at the screen.
Something changed in his face.
Small.
Quick.
"One second," he said.
He walked toward his office.
"Daddy," Isla called after him.
"Just one minute, my girl. I promise."
The office door didn't close all the way.
Isla could hear his voice.
Low.
Serious.
The voice he used when it was work.
She looked at Rabbit.
"It's just one minute," she told him.
Rabbit sat very still.
One minute was longer than one minute.
Isla knew this now.
She sat on the sofa with her coat on and counted the flowers on the cushion beside her.
Eleven flowers.
She counted them again.
Still eleven.
She looked at the city through the big windows.
It was a good day outside.
Blue sky.
Cold but sunny.
A zoo day.
Daddy's voice from the office went quiet.
Then started again.
Isla straightened her coat.
She checked her buttons.
Still good.
Daddy came out of the office twenty minutes later.
He was rubbing the back of his neck.
He sat down next to Isla on the sofa.
"Okay," he said.
"Are we going?" Isla asked.
"In a little bit," he said. "I just need to sort something quickly."
"How quickly?"
"Not long," he said. "An hour maybe."
Isla looked at her buttons.
"Okay," she said.
"We'll still go," Daddy said. "I promise. We'll have the whole afternoon."
"Okay," Isla said again.
She took her coat off.
She folded it carefully on the sofa arm.
She picked up Rabbit.
"We're going in a bit," she told him quietly.
An hour was longer than an hour.
Isla knew this too.
She sat on the living room floor with the Ankylosaurus and made up a story about him finding a friend.
The friend was a small invisible dinosaur that only the Ankylosaurus could see.
They went on adventures together.
To the zoo.
To the park.
To a place with very tall trees and a river and no phones.
From the office she could hear Daddy's voice again.
Different now.
Softer.
Not work soft.
Different soft.
She didn't think about it.
She made the Ankylosaurus climb the sofa cushion like a mountain.
"He made it," she told Rabbit. "He got to the top."
At lunchtime Daddy came out.
He looked tired.
He looked at Isla on the floor and at her coat folded on the sofa arm and at Rabbit sitting waiting and something moved across his face.
"Are you hungry?" he asked.
"A little bit," Isla said.
"I'll order something," he said. "And then we'll go. Okay? Right after lunch."
"Okay," Isla said.
She stood up.
She put the Ankylosaurus on the sofa next to Rabbit.
"Right after lunch," she told them.
The food came.
Pasta for Isla because Daddy remembered.
They sat at the kitchen island.
Daddy's phone was face down this time.
He asked her about school.
She told him about Josie's new pencil case.
About the spider Mrs. Calloway found in the classroom and everyone screamed except Isla because spiders were not that scary if you thought about it from the spider's point of view.
Daddy listened.
He laughed at the spider part.
The real laugh again.
Isla ate her pasta.
It was good pasta.
She almost forgot about the giraffes for a little while.
Almost.
After lunch Daddy's phone buzzed.
Face down on the counter.
It buzzed again.
Daddy looked at it.
Just a look.
Just his eyes.
But Isla saw.
She saw the way his jaw moved after.
"Daddy," she said.
"Mm?"
"Can we go now?"
He put the phone in his pocket.
"Yeah," he said. "Let's get your coat."
Isla got down from the stool very fast.
She went to the sofa.
She picked up her coat.
She put it on.
All the buttons.
She picked up Rabbit.
She was ready.
Daddy had his coat on.
He had his keys.
They were at the door.
Then his phone rang.
Not a buzz.
A call.
Loud.
Daddy looked at the screen.
His hand tightened on his keys.
"Daddy," Isla said.
"One second."
"You said that before," Isla said.
"I know." His voice was tight. "One second, Isla. I mean it."
He answered the call.
He turned slightly away.
Isla stood at the door in her coat with Rabbit under her arm and listened to his voice go soft again.
That different soft.
She looked at the door handle.
She looked at her buttons.
She counted them.
Four buttons.
She counted them again.
Still four.
She was on the sofa again when he came back.
Coat off.
Rabbit in her lap.
The Ankylosaurus beside her.
Daddy stood in the living room doorway.
He looked at her.
She looked at him.
"Isla—"
"Is it too late for the zoo now?" she asked.
Her voice came out normal.
She was quite proud of that.
Daddy crossed the room and sat beside her.
"I'm sorry, my girl," he said. "Something came up. Something I couldn't—"
"It's okay," Isla said.
"It's not," Daddy said.
"It's okay," she said again.
Because it was easier.
Because okay was a small word and it fit in her mouth without hurting.
Because she was six and she didn't have a bigger word for what it actually was.
Daddy put his arm around her.
She let him.
She leaned into his side a little bit because he was warm and he was still Daddy even when he did this.
She looked at the big windows.
The blue sky was going orange now.
Late afternoon.
Zoo closing time probably.
She thought about the giraffes.
Eating their leaves.
Looking tall.
That's their whole job, Daddy had said.
She wondered if giraffes ever waited for things.
Probably not.
Probably it was easier to just be a giraffe.
Daddy tried after that.
He put his phone in the kitchen drawer.
He said: "What do you want to do?"
Isla thought about it.
"Can we do the song?" she asked.
"Yeah," he said. "We can do the song."
They did the song.
Three times.
Daddy still got it wrong in the same place every time, which made her laugh every time.
Then they watched a film about a bear who wanted to be a chef.
Isla sat against Daddy's side with Rabbit in her lap.
The bear made a lot of mistakes before he got good at cooking.
At the end he was the best chef in the whole city.
"He didn't give up," Isla said.
"No," Daddy said. "He didn't."
"Even when it was hard."
"Even then."
Isla looked at the screen.
"Daddy," she said.
"Mm?"
"Can we go to the zoo next weekend?"
Daddy was quiet for a second.
"Yes," he said.
"Promise?"
"Promise."
Isla nodded.
She looked at the bear on the screen making his very good soup.
"Okay," she said.
She didn't say: you said that about today.
She thought it.
But she didn't say it.
Bedtime was normal.
Bubbles first.
Then hair.
Then rinse.
Then the song.
Daddy only got it wrong once.
Isla corrected him.
He said sorry.
She said it was okay.
She got into bed.
Daddy tucked the blanket around her.
He kissed her forehead.
"Next weekend," he said. "The zoo. I mean it."
"I know," Isla said.
She looked at the ceiling.
At the room that was nice but not hers.
Not really.
Not the way her room on Mercer Street was hers.
"Daddy," she said.
"Mm?"
"Does Gerald look okay?"
Daddy looked at the windowsill.
At the small succulent in his canvas tote.
"He looks great," Daddy said.
"He likes it here I think," Isla said.
"Yeah?"
"He told me," Isla said.
"Gerald told you."
"He's very communicative," Isla said, which was a word she had heard Mama use and liked the sound of.
Daddy smiled.
"Goodnight, my girl."
"Goodnight, Daddy."
He turned off the light.
The door stayed open a crack.
The way she liked it.
Isla lay in the dark.
She thought about the giraffes.
She hoped they had a good day.
She hoped someone came to see them.
She closed her eyes.
He stood outside her door for a long time.
The sliver of light from the hallway fell across the floor of the pink room.
He could hear her breathing slow down.
He could hear the exact moment she fell asleep.
He stood there and listened to it and felt the day settle onto him with its full weight.
The zoo.
Her coat folded carefully on the sofa arm.
Rabbit sitting upright.
Waiting.
Right after lunch, he had said.
Right after.
He pressed his palm flat against the door frame.
He thought about Elara doing this.
Standing outside this same door.
Or the door on Mercer Street.
Or the nursery door in the penthouse before that.
Always there.
Always present.
Always the one standing in the doorway making sure everything was okay.
He took his phone out of his pocket.
Sofia had sent three messages since dinner.
He looked at them.
Then he put the phone back in his pocket without reading them.
He looked at his daughter's sleeping shape in the dark room.
At the canvas tote on the windowsill.
At the Ankylosaurus on the bedside table.
At Rabbit pressed against her chest.
She had packed for a zoo that never happened.
She had put her coat on twice.
She had said okay in the voice she used when things were not okay but she had decided that was easier.
She had asked about the giraffes.
She had counted her buttons.
He had seen her counting her buttons.
He had not said anything.
He should have said something.
He should have said a lot of things.
I'm sorry, he thought. I'm sorry, my girl.
He didn't say it out loud.
She was asleep.
And she had heard it enough already.
Tomorrow he would do better.
He always said tomorrow.
He was beginning to understand that tomorrow was a word he had leaned on for too long.
That one day Isla would stop waiting for tomorrow the way she had stopped watching the window.
The way she had stopped looking for him after the first act.
Quietly.
Without announcement.
Just stopping.
And he would be standing in a doorway wondering when it happened.
He looked at her for one more moment.
Then he walked away.
He did not reach for his phone.
He went to the kitchen and opened the drawer and looked at it sitting there.
Then he closed the drawer.
He sat at the kitchen island in the quiet penthouse.
No music.
No work.
No Sofia.
Just the city outside the windows and the sound of his daughter sleeping down the hall and the particular silence of a man beginning, slowly, too slowly, to understand the cost of his own choices.