Chapter 40
My mother's message
One minute, I’m a giant wolf, the next, I’m not.
I stumble and catch myself before I face plant into a sheet of rusted metal.
Still, I end up on my knees with legs unable to support me.
A tremor runs up my body, and the wonder of being a wolf fades as anger takes its place.
I stare down at my hands, which are hands, and my stomach lurches violently.
I get unsteadily to my feet and whirl on them and just stare.
“I can explain,” Cadel says quickly in a defensive growl that has me stalking towards him, ready to rake my fingernails down his face.
I glower, my chest rising and falling as anger suffuses my entire body in a way that leaves everything blindingly clear.
“How do you explain what just happened?” I ask slowly.
Jarek and Mordecai exchange a look that has my ire focusing and drawing them into it as well. They straighten their shoulders and brace.
“Magic?” Cadel says after a long moment in a hopeful voice.
I narrow my eyes, spin on my heel, and stomp away, leaving them there.
Ready to leave them completely, for a couple of minutes, anyway.
I duck under the awning of a building and glower around me.
These buildings are some of the tallest in the city.
If I count the struts, I think we’re looking at over thirty floors.
The alphas follow me, but they are keeping their distance, which is both a relief and the most annoying thing they could possibly do. I am hyper aware of them.
“How was I able to turn into a wolf? How are you the Anarchy Wolf?” I snap at Cadel at last, turning to face them once more.
“I’ve always been the Anarchy Wolf.”
I let out a shrill sound of rage because he’s so evasive, and his voice is just screaming, ‘I’m lying about something.’
“Okay, okay. Calm—”
Jarek slaps a hand across the other alpha’s mouth, pursing his lips as he studies me carefully before he turns his head to Cadel and whispers to him. “That’s a banned word. You never, ever say that word to a female of any designation. It’s an act of treason and declares war.”
Cadel watches Jarek with curiosity, but I notice he checks with Mordecai, who confirms it with a slight nod.
Oh, I see how it is. Team Alpha has decided to back each other. I’m outnumbered three to one.
“I turned into a freaking wolf!” I huff.
Jarek crouches and stares at me. “Do you need a drink or a—”
I growl at him.
He tilts his head back and laughs. “This angry side of you is very fucking attractive, Kaida.”
I bare my teeth and look away from him before his damn smile coaxes me into forgetting everything.
“I am the Anarchy Wolf, and I think when I saved Jarek, my powers, which I struggle to control, just kind of leached into the world.”
I stare at him. “Are you saying that you turned us all into wolves?”
Cadel winces, but a feral smile slips over his lips. It’s cold and wild and full of arrogance. “It was all or nothing. I save Jarek or I didn’t. I don’t choose how my power manifests; it just does.”
It suddenly occurs to me that this alpha is a god. One of the gods. The missing ones.
I slept with an alpha god.
“You're freaking out,” Jarek points out unhelpfully, chuckling. “Someone stop her; she’s spiraling.”
I throw a rock at him, which he easily dodges.
“He’s a missing god, walking around like he’s human, randomly changing the world into part-time wolves and…” I had the most amazing night of my life with him.
I can’t keep him, though, can I? Because he’s a god, he has to go back to where he came from. I don’t remember the stories properly.
I shove the despair aside and watch him. “You were in chains!” I shout at him.
He frowns. “I don’t remember a lot of what happened. I know more now and know who I am, but I don’t know how I got here or what happened after.”
I turn away, then turn back really quickly. “Are you here to save us? Or is this a game? What are you even doing here?”
Mordecai slips in beside me and takes my hand. I squeeze his fingers, holding on like he’s the only thing keeping me together.
Cadel’s breath explodes out of him. His voice takes on a tinge of sadness and pity. “I honestly don’t think I can. I’m not that powerful.”
How can a god not be powerful enough to save the world when it’s dying?
No, don’t be selfish; it’s not his fault. This is ours.
“You’re here now to help, though, right?” I say urgently, getting up to my feet, following him when he moves away from us.
He pauses in the middle of the street.
“Yes, I’m here for you.”
There’s a distinction in those words that I hear and mentally trip over but have to push to the side.
“So, you’re going to stay and help us survive?” I ask, trying to get clarity. Is he staying? Why is that more important to me than the end of my designation?
I duck my head, looking at the ground, listening as he moves back towards me.
“Yes, I’m going to stay,” Cadel murmurs, getting closer and closer. I look away, at the ground, to the side, but he keeps coming until he’s standing right in front of me.
“You, uh—” I murmur, suddenly speechless.
He ducks down and kisses me. A god is kissing me. Not just any god, but the mythical Anarchy Wolf is kissing me, promising he will stay with me.
I hold on to the material of his top, leaning up, kissing him back. He might be a god, but right now, he’s just Cadel. My alpha.
When he pulls back, I feel like I’m on much steadier ground. I lick my bottom lip and watch as he tracks the motion with icy fire in his crimson eyes.
Crimson?
Yes, they are black with brown but around the pupil are crimson flames.
“Your eyes are pretty.”
He smiles, and, honestly, it melts away any doubts I had. I don’t care if he’s a demon sent to drag me to torment, I’d happily take his hand and skip down the path with him.
“I love you.”
I strangle on the words, wishing I could take them back. They just slipped out, like an echo of something from the past. In my panic, I put space between us, like, several feet, and look up at him.
“I mean, I’m angry at you!” I say in a shrill voice. “I’m thanking you for staying. I’m still mad. Wolf and, uh, bad wolves.” I trail off, losing steam. Why did I say that?
He’s staring at me in wonder, like he’s never heard anything so beautiful before.
I didn’t mean to…
Oh. OH!
The shock holds me completely still.
No, we’re in a war; feelings are high. I can’t really be feeling this, can I? I look at Jarek and am hit again with the complete understanding that, somehow in the past few days, my feelings for these alphas have become all-encompassing.
I don’t need to look at Mordecai to know how I feel. I was terrified he’d die, leaving me.
I curse under my breath and spin away from them.
“We should talk about this,” Cadel murmurs, and I can hear the laughter in his voice.
“We don’t need to talk about it,” I say tersely. “We don’t ever need to talk about it.” Why on Earth would a god love me? How ridiculous.
Cadel is silent, but when I look up, I see the three of them standing together, and for one ridiculous moment; I wonder if they are all gods.
Impossible.
“I want to talk about it.”
I turn away.
“Look at me!” Cadel barks.
I have no choice but to turn back to him, lift my head, and meet his gaze head-on.
“How dare you—”
“What if I loved you, too?”
My shoulders curl as if to protect me from a vicious blow. “Don’t be mean,” I say and turn away quickly, breathing hard.
“How is loving you mean?” Cadel says in amusement. He’s right behind me, the heat of his body pressing into mine.
“You’re a god.”
“And you are—”
He doesn’t get to finish that sentence. I’m struck suddenly by a memory, something so strong and so real I’m almost transported right into it.
My mother is making crescent moon cookies. She uses a metal cup to shape them and then, like she does every time, she sticks one on the door.
“This is so that they know we’re safe.”
“Safe?”
“Mm, where you see the moon, you are safe.”
She gave me the cookies to share, and I took them out and gave them away, but there was always one cookie that was glued to our front door all my life. She would replace it every few weeks, and then I would do it, too.
“The crescent moon is safe,” I murmur, my eyes widening. “The crescent moon is safe!” I shout at them.
I walk fast down the street, and now I can see them everywhere. In the back of my mind, I’ve been noticing it, but I didn’t make the connection. But they are on every building. Carved into the sides of walls, drawn on the road. In paint, carved, scratched, built.
“It’s everywhere!” I say in wonder.
There are old crescents and new. Some look hundreds of years old. Some look like they were made recently.
“What is it, Kaida?” Mordecai asks, running his fingers over one.
“My mother’s stories. Legion was right. She was trying to tell me something.”
I don’t know why, but it feels like she’s still here, and that gives me hope. I follow the crescent moon to a metal door that has so many carved on it that it almost has no space.
Mum was right. I push open the door and slip down the stairs.
The alphas follow. There’s light down here, from above, not much but enough to see the huge mural on the back of the wall.
The Luna Goddess in all her glory. Somehow, this painting is still here, surviving in a world where it should be dust and gone. The roof hasn’t got a hole; it’s a way to view the moon, I realise.
It’s a large circular chamber with two chairs. They are both broken. On the floor is a massive silver and white gold moon that has been inlaid into the bricks.
I can’t see anything else, but I know there has to be something. I walk around the room, following the drawings and depictions of this goddess. She’s got white and black hair, a stern face, and is wearing silver robes. In all the designs, she’s got a sword in her hand that glows like moonlight.