5. Rami
Rami
Ididn’t leave my rooms for three weeks.
I knew I’d scared the Seraphim by arriving home covered in blood, muttering incoherently about finding my mate and about how he’d never be mine. They were worried sick, I knew that.
But it wasn’t enough to make me open the door to them.
All of them had tried. Micah and Ezekiel several times. But I’d ignored them all. There was no world-ending catastrophe happening that required my skills. For once in my damned immortal life, I was being selfish.
Wasn’t every day that you found your happiness and lost it all at the same time. I was entitled to some moping.
I stared at my ceiling, listening to the sounds echoing through the house. Evidence of life continuing without me. Everyone going about their routine as though things were normal. I guessed they were for them.
But not for me. They wouldn’t be ever again.
The bond thrummed in my chest. Ethan was always with me.
I didn’t know if it was the lack of the full bond or the distance between us, but I couldn’t feel every shift of his emotions.
I could only compare it to looking at people through a fogged-up window.
The figures were there, but that was all I knew.
I couldn’t see the nuances of their features or the expressions on their faces.
What should’ve been comforting was frustrating. I didn’t want a glimpse into Ethan’s life, I wanted a front-row seat. I wanted to be at his side, knowing precisely what was happening. The emotions that did come through were hardly reassuring. He seemed listless. Helpless.
Hopeless.
I hated it. More than that, I hated that I didn’t know how to help him without inserting myself into his life.
God only knew what would happen if I did.
I liked to think I wouldn’t fling him over my shoulder and fly him off to an island somewhere, that I wouldn’t keep him there until he finally fell in love with me and vowed to be mine forever.
I liked to think that.
But I knew myself better. People might believe angels and demons were leagues apart, but they forgot that we were once all the same. Truly, I think the main difference was in the colour of our wings. All the other factors—the selfish, obsessive, possessive natures—we shared those.
Angels just had better PR.
I tensed as footsteps drew nearer to my door. I wasn’t surprised. Barely a few hours passed without someone checking on me. The ward on my outer door informed me that it was Benji this time.
Fuck.
I’d managed to ignore him the first time he’d knocked, but it had been tough. Benji struggled with reading people and situations, but he had no issues when it came to addressing them. Trying to avoid him when he had his mind set on speaking to you was near impossible.
His knuckles rapped on the door, his voice following immediately after. “Rami? Open up.”
“Go away,” I groused, pulling my duvet up to my chin. “I don’t want to talk.”
“I’ve given you twenty-one days. That’s plenty of time to process what you’ve been through. Prolonging the processing period is not conducive to a good state of mental health.”
“Says who?”
“Google.”
I huffed. “Google can’t be trusted.”
“But I can,” Benji said wryly. “And you know I’m never wrong. Now you can either remove your wards and unlock the door, or I’ll do it for you.”
I debated making him do just that, but the mess it’d leave would probably dampen my mood further.
Getting to my feet with a grumble, I let a tendril of power free, removing the wards.
I unlocked the door to my bedroom before heading to the outer one and repeating the action.
I didn’t open it though, just spun on my heel and returned to my bed.
With my duvet back in place, I glowered at the ceiling. Fucking angels. Why couldn’t they just let me sulk in peace?
“Because we care about you,” Benji said as he slipped into my room and leaned against the wall.
I turned my glare on him. “Did you suddenly learn to read minds?”
“No.” He smirked. “But Ez said you’d be pissed about me forcing my way in here. And he was right. Not bothering to open the door felt very passive-aggressive.”
“Didn’t stop you coming in.”
“Nothing would have.” Benji’s smirk shifted into a frown. “You look like shit, Rami.”
“Thanks.”
“You smell like it too.” His nose wrinkled. “When was the last time you showered?”
“Did you just come in here to nag me about hygiene?”
“No, but if I’d known you were lying in your own filth, I would’ve come in to do that sooner,” he said, shoving off the wall. “I’m turning your shower on. We’re not having this conversation until you smell better.”
“That’s rude, you know.”
The sound of the shower starting filtered through from the en-suite as Benji reappeared with a shrug. “Probably. I don’t give a shit if it is though. Politeness is a social construct created for a neurotypical human society. Doesn’t make sense that we, as angels, adhere to it.”
I thought about pointing out that humans had been made in the image of angels but decided against it. Knowing Benji, he likely had a list of every argument I’d make complete with counter-arguments. Instead, I got to my feet and stretched. “Fine. I’ll get in the shower.”
Benji let out an alarmed bark, his hands flying up to cover his face. “For fuck’s sake. Where’s your underwear? I don’t want to see that.”
I grinned for the first time in days as I swept past him. “Why not? Shame surrounding nudity is also social construct created by humans.”
Itook my time in the shower. Not just because Benji was right—I really fucking needed it—but to pull myself together. I organised my thoughts.
Being mated wasn’t a possibility three weeks ago.
It’s not a possibility now.
Nothing has changed.
Nothing has changed.
I could repeat the lie as often as I wanted, it didn’t make it true. Because meeting Ethan had changed everything. How was I meant to ignore the fact that my mate was nearby? That he shared his heart and his bed with another?
Theo was the one I should be speaking to. Maybe he could explain just how he was able to ignore the existence of his mate without going crazy, because I had zero idea of how to do that.
When I’d finally dragged myself out of the shower and into a pair of joggers, I found Benji in the living room. He was flicking through the book I’d been reading before everything had gone to shit. “This looks interesting.”
“It is.” I took the chair opposite his. “One of the better ghost stories I’ve read recently.”
One of his brows rose. “As good as Susan Hill or Michelle Paver?”
“Eh.” I shrugged. “Not really, but when are they ever?”
Benji grumbled, laying the book on the table beside him. “Feel like we’ll be chasing that high for a while.”
Reading horror stories as angels might have seemed weird, what with our knowledge of how the paranormal truly worked, but with all the horrors we experienced in the real world on a daily basis…escaping into the fictional version was exactly what was needed.
“Tell me what happened,” Benji said.
I grunted. “You know what happened.”
“Are you being facetious to piss me off?” Benji asked mildly. “Because that won’t work with me.”
“Sorry.” I sighed, rubbing my face with my hands. “Don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“Well, if I had to guess, your mood is being impacted by whatever happened. Given you arrived home covered in blood that wasn’t yours, claiming to have found your mate, I’m going to assume it was in traumatic circumstances.”
Ethan’s prone body rose to the surface of my mind. The image hadn’t left for a second, just lurked in dark corners, ready to terrify me at any given moment. “Yes.”
“He was injured. Dying?”
I gave a clipped nod.
“Guess that’s why fate made you a healer,” Benji mused. “Maybe fate knew you’d need your powers to save him.”
“Maybe,” I said hollowly. “I’m so fucking relieved I could.”
Benji tapped his fingers rhythmically. “And then you compelled him to forget you because he can’t be yours.”
“He can’t.”
“Why is that? Is he straight?”
“No, but he’s also not single. Ethan has a partner. Someone he loves.”
“Ah.” Benji fell quiet, his clever mind likely working through everything.
I waited for him to arrive at the same conclusion I had—that Ethan would never be mine. That I’d have to wait while he spent his life with another before dying when he did.
But when he spoke, that wasn’t what he said. “I don’t think that’s the problem you believe it to be.”
I stared at him. “What? He has a boyfriend, Benji.”
“So? People break up all the time.”
“And sometimes they don’t,” I said hotly. “Just look at all the couples here, Ben. All of them are ’til death do us part and beyond.”
Benji smiled. “You’re proving my point, Rami. Everyone here is mated. They’re meant to be together. Just like Ethan is meant to be with you.”
“You can’t know that. I mean, look at my history. Every man I’ve ever been interested in has been with someone else. It’s just what happens. Why is that?”
“Maybe fate was getting you ready for this exact situation.” Benji rocked back and forth in his chair, something he did when he was thinking deeply. “So you wouldn’t be surprised when it happened.”
I snorted. “Well that didn’t fucking work.”
“I still don’t think you have anything to worry about. Once he spends more time with you, he’ll see how wonderful you are.”
“I don’t want to come between him and his boyfriend,” I said heavily.
Benji laughed. “Rami, you’re his fated mate. If anything, this boyfriend is coming between the two of you.”
I stared down at my hands, still seeing the blood that had covered them three weeks ago. “I don’t want someone to be with me because they have to be. I want them to want me. To choose me.”
“Then make him choose you. He can’t do that if he doesn’t know you, Ramiel. You know I’m right. I always am.”
“It’s not that simple. He doesn’t want to be friends.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know,” I said slowly, running through our conversation for the millionth time. “Honestly, it doesn’t make sense. He looked excited to have another friend, but then he changed his mind in the next breath.”
“That’s odd,” Benji said. “Doesn’t make sense to me either. How did he seem? Like, in himself?”
“Lonely.” The word rose with ease. “He seemed lonely.”
“Then be his friend.” Benji nodded. “That has to be the plan for now.”
“I can’t do that, Ben. He said he didn’t want that.”
“But you compelled him afterwards?”
I wasn’t following his train of thought at all. “Yes.”
“Then it’s fine.” Benji brushed it off with a wave. “Bit of a grey area, to be sure, but I don’t think he’d be upset about it in the long run.”
Nope. I had no clue. “About what?”
“About you being his friend,” Benji said, clearly exasperated.
“Honestly, it’s so obvious, Rami. He doesn’t remember saying that to you.
From the sounds of it, there was something else stopping him from striking up a friendship.
Either way, that conversation never happened as far as Ethan’s concerned.
So be his friend. Show up for him. Get to know him.
Then, when he finally realises you’re the one he’s meant to be with, it’ll happen. It has to.”
My throat thickened. “And if you’re wrong?”
“I’m never wrong. Besides, let’s face it, you won’t be able to ignore the pull forever.”
“Theo seems to be doing a good job.”
“Theo’s hiding more than you realise. But you’re not him. Being Ethan’s friend will allow you to be in his life. To make sure he’s safe. Don’t you want that?”
I swallowed hard. “More than anything.”
“Then do it,” he said simply. “You’ve already said you think he’s lonely. Do you really want your mate out there, feeling that way? You’re here, Rami. We all are. If he’s truly lonely, he has a whole family right here, ready to take him in.”
“Slow down.” I held up a hand. “You’re several giant steps ahead right now.”
Benji huffed. “I don’t know what it is with you lot. If this person is your fated mate, what’s the point of dancing around the subject? I swear, all of you seem insistent on finding obstacles. The truth is, you’re going to end up with Ethan. Why fight it?”
“I’m not fighting it.”
“You’re not fighting for it either,” Benji said. “I suggest you get started, Rami.”