27. Ethan
Ethan
Much later, Rami snuck downstairs to snag us some pizza. The fact that it was stone cold only made it better in my eyes.
“Pepperoni,” I groaned as he flicked the box open between us on my bed. “My favourite. How’d you know?”
“Lucky guess.” He took a piece for himself. “It’s my favourite too. Much prefer it cold, though.”
“Same.”
We shared another one of those dopey smiles. The ones that should have sirens attached that screamed ‘Too fast. Slow down.’
But there were none. Just a serenity I’d never felt before.
I thought the past year had a lot to do with it. I knew the risks of waiting for happiness to find you now; you might run out of time before it did. The best plan was to grab it with both hands whenever you happened across it.
That’s exactly what I was doing with Rami.
I’d been almost surprised by how little it had bothered me to pack up my life in the house I’d shared with Dave.
Even the sight of the room I’d caught him and the twink in hadn’t upset me.
All I’d been able to think about was Rami.
How he’d treated me over the past few days.
When I might next get to see him. I was little better than a hormonal teenager with a crush.
Thankfully, Rami was fully in this with me. For better or worse, we were on the same page.
I couldn’t be happier about it.
“Right,” Rami said once he finished his slice of pizza. “Put these muscles to work, Ethan.”
I raised a brow. “I thought I just had.”
Rami fixed me with a stern glare. At least, he tried. The playful gleam in his eyes kind of ruined what he was going for. “Behave, or we’ll never get you settled in.”
I got to my feet with a grumble. After glancing in a few boxes, I located my old cork board and a box of pins. Another rummage had me pulling out a fat wad of photographs. “Why don’t you arrange all these on here?”
“I meant I could do something requiring heavy lifting, but this is better.” He sank to the floor with more grace than I’d ever seen in a man of his size. “A little glimpse into Ethan Routliff’s life.”
“Don’t get too excited,” I warned him as I turned back to my enormous piles of clothes. “Most of them are old.”
“They are?”
I shrugged a shoulder as I started to hang my clothes. “Hasn’t been a lot I’ve wanted to memorialise the last few years. Not in my personal life, anyway.”
Rami stares at me intently. “Guess we’ll have to make some memories worth photographing.”
“We already have. Can’t tell you how gutted I am that I didn’t think to get some shots of you axe throwing.”
“Thought you’d have enough photos of me already.”
“Yes, but not axe throwing.” I put a hand to my chest in mock outrage. “I mean, how often am I going to get you to pose with dangerous weapons for my amusement?”
He smirked up at me. “Anytime you like, gorgeous.”
We fell into an easy silence then, me sorting clothes, Rami with my memories. I glanced over to see how he was doing and smiled at the photo he was studying closely.
“Oh, I haven’t seen that one in years,” I breathed, dropping the T-shirt I’d been hanging and sinking to my knees. “I forgot I took it.”
Rami handed it to me so I could take a closer look. “Is that your mum?”
“Yes.” The word came out a little choked as I stroked my fingers along the curve of her face. “This was at her fiftieth birthday. The last one I spent with her.”
I caught her mid-laugh, the instant she’d realised I’d replaced the ordinary birthday candles with trick ones. I’d been ready and waiting with my camera, knowing this was the reaction she’d have.
With what happened a month later, I was so fucking grateful I had.
“She was beautiful,” Rami murmured. “You have her eyes and nose.”
I sniffed. “The Routliff genes are strong.”
“You must miss her terribly.”
“I do.” My voice broke. “I miss her laugh. Miss how she’d always forget the time difference and call me at 3 a.m. I miss asking for her advice or hearing it even when I hadn’t asked. If she were still alive, Dave and I wouldn’t have lasted as long as we did.”
“You wouldn’t have gone through chemo alone either.”
“No, I wouldn’t have.”
Rami hummed, taking the photo from me gently. “I don’t think you should put this on the board. This deserves something more special. How about we get a nice frame instead?”
“Yes,” I hiccupped. “I think that would be wonderful.”
I looked at the next picture in the pile and gave a watery laugh. “Talk about a blast from the past.”
I held it up, the nostalgia of it tinged with yet more grief.
The other men in the picture were still alive, but I doubted I’d see any of them again.
“This was Halloween when we were at uni. Look at our costumes, they were terrible. I was Batman, just in case you can’t tell.
” I handed it to Rami, who was staring at it with an odd expression. “Rami? What is it?”
His throat bobbed as he touched the picture. “Ethan…I know these men.”
“What?” I gave a disbelieving laugh. “No, you don’t. They live miles away.”
“This is Matty,” Rami said quietly, touching Matty’s sunshine smile, “Riley, and Lucky. Am I right?”
What the fuck?
My fingers were numb. “How could you possibly know that?”
Rami didn’t answer me immediately, getting out his phone. He tapped away at it for a few moments before he held it up. “Recognise this guy?”
“Wait…is that Dimitri?” I took the phone to zoom in on his face, smushed up next to Rami’s as they both grinned at the camera. I didn’t know why I bothered; it was clearly Dimitri. “How the fuck do you know one of Lucky’s boyfriends?”
“I know them both, actually. Dimitri used to live with us. He moved down to Southampton after he met Lucky, and that’s when I met the others.”
“The others?”
“I’m trying to think of the ones you would’ve met,” Rami said slowly. “Sebastian?”
“Matty’s boyfriend?”
“Husband now,” Rami said with a wince, like he knew how this information would land. “They got married last year.”
“Oh.” Tears unexpectedly burned at the backs of my eyes. Matty was married. I hadn’t been there. Why would I have been? I wasn’t in their life anymore. “I’m happy for him.”
“Come here, baby,” Rami said, pushing the photos aside. I didn’t move, but he just tugged at me until I ended up in his lap. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry you missed out on it.”
“I can’t be upset about it. Why would they have invited me when we don’t even talk?”
“If it helps, I know they’d welcome you back into their lives without a second thought.”
“How can you know that?” My voice was thick with unshed tears. “I abandoned them, Rami. Fucked off to the other side of the world and pretended they didn’t exist.”
“None of them would care about that,” he said, rocking me slightly. “You know Matty would never hold a grudge—he’s too nice for that. Lucky too. I don’t know Riley as well, but I suspect he’s the same if you were all friends once. Especially if they knew the reasons why.”
“I can’t believe you know them.” A sob suddenly broke free. “You know more about them than I do.”
“I’m sorry,” Rami repeated, kissing my head. “Should I not have told you?”
I sniffled, wiping my nose on a tissue Rami supplied from somewhere. “No, I’d rather know. Would’ve been weird if you hadn’t.” Something occurred to me suddenly, making me suck in a breath. “Do you…do you see them often?”
“Not at all,” Rami said. “But if you want to see them again, it’d be very easy to arrange—”
“No. No, sorry.”
Rami continued to hold me tight. “Do you mind if I ask why?”
I took a deep breath, trying to organise my thoughts. “I know it might sound daft, but I’m not ready. So much has changed in the past couple of weeks. I’ve gone from dying with a boyfriend, to perfectly healthy and…”
I trailed off and Rami prompted me. “And?”
I lifted my head so he could see my sheepish smile. “Well, I was going to say ‘single,’ but that didn’t feel right.”
He stared at me for several blinks before giving me the most beautiful smile. “I like that it doesn’t feel right.”
“Good.” I snuggled back into his chest. “Because whatever we have going on here, I like that too. A lot.”
We were quiet for a few minutes, just sat on the floor, Rami holding me tight. He was taking my cuddle deprivation very seriously.
“I know it might feel scary to reconnect with them,” Rami said eventually. “And you’re right, you’ve been through a lot of change recently. But, when you’re ready, just know that they’re not going to hold anything against you. That’s not the kind of people they are.”
“Deep down, I know you’re right. But it’s not just that. What if my blood tests in a few days come back with bad news? What if they made a mistake earlier?”
“That’s not going to happen,” Rami growled, as though he could stop the cancer returning through willpower alone.
“I love the optimism, but I have to think about these things. I’m not prepared to welcome them back into my life if it’s going to end soon. If I have to go through chemo again, I’m not making anyone else suffer alongside me.”
Rami stiffened. “Even me?”
“I would never expect you to do that.” I sighed. “I don’t expect anyone else to hurt just because I am.”
“Maybe you should start expecting it,” Rami said, his voice trembling. Confused, I lifted my head to see fury in his eyes. “Let me tell you now, Ethan Routliff, that I’m not going anywhere.”
“I—”
“Nope.” He covered my mouth with his hand.
He needn’t have bothered; the way he was glaring at me was enough to stun me into silence.
“You’ve said your piece, and now it’s my turn.
When you sit there and tell me you’re not going to make others hurt, you’re basically saying you’re not worthy of love. ”
That wasn’t what I was saying.
Was it?
“When you love someone, when you care for them, you don’t let them go through hard times alone,” he continued, his face softening.
“You support them regardless. And if you think for one goddamned second that I’m not going to be at your side for every one of those rough patches, then you’re in for a rude awakening, Ethan.
This isn’t about you asking for my support, it’s me telling you that you’re getting it, whether you want it or not. ”
Tears were rolling down my face now, hitting Rami’s hand where it still covered my mouth.
“I know why you feel this way,” he whispered.
“I understand, Ethan. You’ve been let down in the past, not just by Dave, but by your father.
You didn’t have anyone you could rely on before, but you do now.
You have me. You have Sam. You have everyone who lives both in my house and yours.
You might not understand why yet, but you will.
And, when you’re ready for them, you’ll have a whole gang from Southampton in your corner too. ”
He finally lifted his hand away, allowing me to speak. “I don’t deserve you.”
Rami smiled sadly. “See, that’s just it, Ethan. You deserve everything. You don’t believe me yet, and that’s okay. You will, because I won’t rest until you do.”