35. Ethan
Ethan
When I opened my eyes, bright sunshine warmed my face. I reached up to touch my throat, but my hand came away clean.
Was I dead?
The fear I was expecting wasn’t there. I felt oddly…calm. Serene. Vaguely, I was aware that I should be panicking. There was a quiet, nagging sensation that I had somewhere else to be.
But there was no overriding this peace.
Soft grass warmed my bare feet. I was in a garden filled with cascading flowers, trees laden with fruit, and beautiful statues. In the distance, there was the sound of rushing water.
Closer, there was humming.
Goosebumps rose on my skin. I knew that tune. I’d heard it a thousand times during my childhood.
Following the sound, I stepped around a bush. Tears welled in my eyes. There, sat at an ornate patio table, was someone I never expected to see again. “Mum?”
She looked up from her needlepoint, her lips popping open in shock. “Ethan?”
“Mum.” The sound was cracked. Broken. Coming from a fracture I’d never thought would be repaired. “Mum.”
Her eyes were glassy as she stood. “Oh god, Ethan.”
We moved at the same time, crashing into one another. I cried like the boy I’d once been as I hugged my mother tightly.
“It’s okay, Ethan,” she whispered, rubbing my back soothingly. “Let it out, my darling. It’s okay.”
“It’s not okay,” I sobbed. “You left me.”
“I know. I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to, I truly didn’t.”
“I didn’t get to say goodbye. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Mum.”
“Less of that now.” She clucked her tongue, easing back so she could see my face. Using her sleeve, she dried my cheeks. “I’m glad you weren’t there.”
“But I should’ve been there.”
“No,” she said firmly. “It’s bad enough that I died, Ethan. Did you want me to go knowing you’d seen it happen?”
“It didn’t make it any less painful.”
“I know,” she sighed. “Death is never easy. Come. Let’s sit a while.”
She led me over to her table. It was only as I sat that I asked her the question I’d thought earlier. “Am I dead?”
Mum hummed a few notes of the tune I liked to think of as hers. “No, I don’t believe so.”
“Then why am I here?”
“I’m not sure.” She smiled at me. “But I’m glad you are, Ethan. Being able to speak to you is a gift I never expected.”
She picked up her needlepoint again and the familiar action had me smiling. “What are you making?”
“Wings.” She showed it to me. “What do you think?”
I thought they looked exactly like Rami’s. “It’s beautiful.”
We sat for a few minutes in companionable silence. I took the time to drink her in. She looked exactly as I remembered her. The soft lines around her mouth from smiling so often. Her red curls, so similar to my own, threaded with silver.
“I’ve missed you so much.”
“Not as much as I’ve missed you.” She put down her needlepoint again and reached over to take my hand. “I’d ask you to tell me everything, but I’ve been keeping a close eye on you.”
“You have?”
“Of course. You might be grown now, Ethan, but you’ll always be my baby. Just because we can’t be together doesn’t mean I’m not there.”
I winced, thinking of the cottage with Rami. “How ‘there’ are we talking?”
She tsked, swatting at my arm. “Don’t worry, I always depart during anything mildly…spicy. I just like to pop in on you from time to time.”
A lump formed in my throat. “I love that you do that.”
“I hated that I couldn’t be there for you properly when you were sick,” she said, her voice trembling. “But I was there, Ethan. Every day. You were never alone.”
The grief I’d never fully allowed myself to feel washed over me. Or maybe it was everything that had happened. The diagnosis. The move. The treatment. The break-up. I let myself feel it all, crumbling with my mother at my side.
She took me into her arms like I was still a small boy, rocking me and whispering gently, “You were so brave, Ethan. I’m so proud of you.”
When I was down to just small sniffles, I straightened and took the tissue she offered. “Thank you.”
“I’m glad you’re not with Dave now,” she said as I blew my nose noisily. “Although I could merrily throttle him for cheating on you, especially when you were sick. Actually, there’s a lot I’d like to give him a piece of my mind over.”
I gave her a wry smile. “You never did like him.”
“He wasn’t good enough for you. He didn’t make you happy.”
“That’s truer than I’m ready to admit.”
She nudged me in the ribs. “But Rami, he makes you happy, yes?”
I blushed, ducking my chin to my chest. “Yeah, Mum, he does.”
“Then that’s all I need to know. You’ve picked a good ’un there, Ethan. Make sure you hold on to him tight.”
“I will.”
She stroked a curl from my forehead, smiling sadly. “I’m so glad you’re going to live forever, Ethan. And happily, at that. Even if it means we won’t ever be reunited.”
Fresh tears filled my eyes. “We won’t?”
“No,” she said, still stroking my hair. “Today is a gift, Ethan, but you won’t be allowed to visit again. You’re bound to Rami now, which means you’ve got thousands of years ahead of you. Perhaps even more.”
“But—”
“No buts,” she said firmly. “This is for the best, Ethan. All I’ve ever wanted is for you to live a long, happy, healthy life. Now you’re going to have that and more. It’s not like I won’t see you, either. I’ll be dropping by often.”
“It’s not the same,” I whispered, clutching at her hands. “I won’t see you.”
“But you’ll know I’m there. I’ll always be with you, Ethan. Silently cheering you on and loving you. That’ll never go away, even if we’re separated by a bridge you can’t cross.”
I couldn’t find any more words, but that was okay. Mum found them for me.
“Be happy, Ethan. Happy and thankful that we got this extra time.”
“Are you happy?” I blurted out. “Here? Is it…okay?”
“Oh yes.” Her face reflected the serenity I’d felt on arriving. “It’s much better than being alive, apart from not being able to talk to you, of course. I just have to think of something I’d like, and it appears.”
A steaming teapot suddenly materialised on the table, along with a paperback I recognised as one of her favourites.
“See?” She grinned. “What more could I want? I can have almost anything I desire, and there’s no pesky bills, work, or even red-flag men to piss me off.”
That had me laughing. “I’ve missed you, Mum. So much.”
“I’ve missed you too, darling.” She cupped my cheeks and kissed my forehead. “I think it’s time for you to leave now. I love you. Remember that.”
“I love you too,” I said, clinging to her even as the world around me started to dissolve. “I love you, Mum. Goodbye.”
“See you soon,” she called as I was sucked away, the light fading. “Don’t forget, I’m always with you.”
Her words carried me through the darkness. Back into the warehouse. I could see myself, slumped in the chair. Blood was cascading from my neck. Damien was on the floor beside me. Dead or unconscious, I didn’t know.
And Rami…
Oh, Rami. My sweet, kind, considerate, Rami.
Heartache and anger were written over his face as he knelt before me. Tender hands cradled me as he whispered soundless words. He was so close to losing it.
I was okay. He had to know that. He’d be dead too if I weren’t.
But he needed to see me, I realised. Nothing else would stop him breaking.
I dropped back into my body.
And opened my eyes.