Chapter 30
Lila
I have never felt as happy as I have in the last month.
It seems to me that my life can't be any better.
I spend most evenings at Max's place, and when he's not home, Maria and I watch a movie or make dinner together.
I feel like everything is finally falling into place in my life.
Making love to Max has just gotten better and better, and we seem to have gotten into an easy relationship that makes me question how I've ever thought relationships could be hard.
I suppose once you meet the one, you just know.
My phone rings as I'm getting ready for bed, and I see that it's Zara. "Hey," I answer. "What's up?"
"I was just checking to see how you're doing, stranger."
"I'm good. I've just been really busy between hanging out with Max and doing stuff with Marie. It's just been a lot."
"Yeah, I figured," she says. "You said you're going to have a dinner party next week, right?"
"Yeah. I'm really looking forward to it. I can check with Max if it's going to be Friday or Saturday if you want. I can't wait for you to meet him."
"Me either. How's the acting stuff going?"
"Oh, fine," I say, though a little bird in my head whispers that it's not really fine.
"Have you been to any auditions lately?"
"No, not really. I've been so focused on Max, and I've been focused on working and trying to ensure that—"
"But this wasn't supposed to be a job for the rest of your life, right? You were just doing it to make money so that—"
"Yeah, but things in life change. It's not like I'm Angelina Jolie or Julia Roberts. I was probably never going to make it as an A-list star."
"But what about the fact that you wanted to get an Oscar, and you wanted to write a play and produce your own show and—"
"One day, Zara. You know how it is. What's that saying? A dream deferred is—"
"Why are you deferring your dreams, Lila?"
"I'm not deferring my dreams. I'm really happy."
“I'm glad you've met Max, even though I don't know him, and I'm glad that you're happy, but this all seems to be moving really quickly."
“I know you think that, but when you know, you know. It's not like he and I just met last night. We… Sorry.” I sigh deeply.
“I’m just concerned. It’s not even about the relationship. I fell in love quickly, as well. I just want to ensure that you're not giving up your dreams for love because, at some point, you will come to resent him."
"I know, and I'm not giving up anything, okay?" I look up, and see Marie standing there, a question on her face. "Hey, I'm just talking to Zara."
"Oh, I can't wait to meet her."
"Yeah, you'll meet her at the dinner party that we have. Hey, Zara, can I call you back? I'll speak to Max and see what day works."
"Okay," she says.
"I'll talk to you later."
"Sounds good."
I hang up the phone and look at Marie.
"Is everything okay? You sounded a little agitated."
"I'm fine. Zara is just concerned that I'm giving up my dreams of being an actress for the relationship, and I'm really not. I just…"
"Oh, I didn't even know that you were into acting," Marie says, and I frown.
"What? What do you mean?"
"I didn't even know that you were an actress. I thought you were just Max's assistant and girlfriend."
I stare at her in surprise. My identity for most of my life has been that of Lila: wannabe thespian. It's weird to me that I have a new friend who doesn't even know that. I guess maybe I haven't talked about it, really. Marie grabs my hand and pulls me to the kitchen.
"Hey," she says. "You look upset. You want a shake?"
"I'm okay. Actually, maybe I will have one of your fabulous strawberry milkshakes if you are making them."
"Sure," she grins. "I will make one special Marie milkshake for you."
She opens the freezer, pulls out a tub of ice cream, and turns back to me.
"So, your best friend is concerned that you've given up your dreams of acting.
You tell her you haven't given up your dreams of acting, but I didn't even know that you wanted to be an actress or were an actress, and I've never heard you and Max talking about it.
" She lets out a long sigh. "And as much as I love you and my brother, and I'm so happy you guys have found each other, I also don't want you to give up your dreams for this relationship, Lila. "
"I haven't given up my dreams. I’m just so happy right now that I haven't thought about acting, and I don't have that much time and—"
Marie raises her eyebrow. "Because you're working as an assistant to my brother."
"Yeah, but—"
"Come on, be honest with me. Do you really love working as a legal assistant?"
I stare at her for a couple of moments. "I love working with Max."
"Yeah, because you guys are in the beginning of a relationship. You always want to be close to the one you love. But if you could talk about your dream job, would this be it?"
"No." I wrinkle my nose. "But I just don't know how to balance everything. I still need an income and—"
"Why don't you give up your apartment? You're here most of the time anyway."
"I am, but I just don't think it's a good idea to give up my apartment. I don't know where this is going. And like you said, it's all new and—"
"I've never seen my brother like this with anyone," she says. "Trust me, you guys are the real deal."
"Thank you for saying that, but…"
"But what?"
"But it's still new, and as much as it's been absolutely amazing, I just don't know what's going to happen, and I don't want to get carried away, you know?"
"I get it," she says, nodding. "So, what'd you want to do this weekend?"
"I'm not sure. I think that… oh, hold on. Sorry. My friend, Skye, from work is calling me. Hey, Skye, what's going on?"
"Hey, I’m just calling because I sent you an email, and I wasn't sure if you got it because I haven't heard back from you."
"No. What's the email?"
"It's about an audition for a part I think you would be perfect for."
"Oh, really?"
"Yeah, I would go, but Kingston is a jackass, and he says I can’t take any time off right now, so I thought it would be perfect for you, and I know Max would give you the time off."
"Time off for an audition?"
"Yeah, the role's in LA, but—"
"Oh, I can't go to LA right now, Skye."
"Why can't you go to LA? You don't think Max would give you the time off?"
"It's not that. It's just that… I just don't want to go right now.
LA is so far." I press my lips together.
"The fact of the matter is, I don't want to leave New York.
I don't want to be away from Max. I love spending as much time with him as I can, and I know deep inside that I'm postponing my dream, but it doesn't feel like my dream anymore.
It's not what I live for. I don't wake up in the morning picturing myself winning an Oscar or a Golden Globe anymore.
I don't wake up in the morning reciting monologues from Shakespeare.
I don't wake up in the morning thinking about anything other than how happy I am to be with Max, and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but right now, I don't care.
I don't even want to think about it. Thanks for letting me know, Skye, but I don't think I'm going to try for it. "
"Okay," she says. "Well, that sucks because I really think that you might've gotten the role. And while it's not a huge part, I think the film director has plans to submit it to Sundance and—"
"Hey, I got to go, okay?" I hang up because I don't want to hear about all the opportunities that could come from this potential role. I’m grateful that she thought about me, but hearing about the role is stirring something in me that resembles want, and right now, I don’t want to want anything else.
“So, what were you saying about this weekend? " I ask Marie.
"Did you just get an audition that you turned down?" Marie’s eyes are narrowed, and she’s scowling at me.
"I mean, I didn't get the audition. My friend just thought there was a role I might be interested in auditioning for, but I'm not going to. So, what were you saying?"
"Oh, I was going to ask you what you wanted to do this weekend."
"I'm not sure. I can ask Max what—"
"Max isn't going to be in town," Marie says, shaking her head. "I think he's going to DC, right?"
I stare at her blankly. This is the first I'm hearing about it. "What do you mean, he's going to DC?"
"I think he's going to interview for a job. You know that his goal in life is to become a Supreme Court Justice eventually, and I think there's a job in DC that has opened up that would help him start achieving some of those goals to become closer to a nomination."
"What?" I stare at her, realizing that I hadn’t taken the conversation I’d had with Max about him becoming a Supreme Court Justice seriously.
The conversation had gone in one ear and out the other.
I assumed he was just talking about dreams he didn’t actually think would come true, much like me telling people I wanted to win an Oscar.
"He's moving to DC?" I ask her, and she looks nervously at me.
My heart sinks as she twitches. How did I not realize how serious he is about his career goals?
"He didn't tell me that he's moving to DC; I just assumed that because he's going to DC about a job that if he got the job, he would move there.
" I mean, it's a long way away, and I know he wouldn't just want to leave me in New York by myself.
So maybe he has other plans, but… Oh, I'm sorry. You look devastated."
"I'm just confused. He and I have been together…
I mean, we haven't been together for a super long time, but we've been together for a while, and I thought we were in this really close, loving relationship, but I didn't know he had any interest in moving to DC, and I didn't know he was going for a job interview.
I didn't know he was going to be away this weekend.
Does that mean he's not even serious about our relationship?
Am I just a placeholder in his life?" I press my lips together, and Marie looks panicked.
“Please don't blame yourself. I needed to know this.”
"No, it's nothing. Please, Lila. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought anything up."
"No, it's okay. Maybe I just realized that I'm giving up dreams and aspirations for Max, but he's not doing that for me. He's not even thinking about me and what I want and my goals and dreams and our lives together. How could he not even tell me?"
"Maybe he's planning on telling you tonight?"
"Maybe," I say.
The door opens then and Max walks in, a wide grin on his face.
"How are my two favorite girls?"
"Good," Marie says quickly. "I'm just making strawberry milkshakes. Do you want one?"
"No, thanks," he says, shaking his head as he walks over to me. He pulls me into his arms and gives me a long, deep kiss. "Hey, you."
"Hi," I say, kissing him back passionately. I love the feel and the smell of him. He smells like home on a warm summer night: familiar and relaxing.
"So, what do you guys want to do for dinner?" he asks.
"I think that I am going to go to a meetup tonight," Marie says. "So you guys can do dinner without me."
"Okay," he says. "If you're sure."
"I'm sure."
"What about you, darling? What would you like?"
"I was thinking maybe we could do Korean barbecue," I say.
"Ooh, sounds great," he says. "I love some galbi."
"Yeah, me, too." I play with my hair idly and peer at him from under my lashes. "Hey, I was thinking that maybe this weekend we could go to Chinatown and…" He stares at me for a couple of seconds and shakes his head slowly.
"This weekend?"
"Yeah. Is there a problem?"
"Oh, actually, I'm going to be out of town this weekend, but maybe the following weekend."
"Oh, okay, sure. I didn't know you were going out of town."
"Oh, it was just a last-minute thing," he says, clearing his throat.
"Where are you going?" I ask softly, smiling as if I don't know.
"Oh, just…" He rubs his stomach suddenly. "Hey, Marie, I think I will have a strawberry milkshake, after all; that looks so good.” He walks into the kitchen and grabs a glass. “Do you mind making me one?"
"Sure, big bro." Marie nods. Her eyes are on me, and she wrinkles her nose. She’s noticed, just like I have, that he changed the subject.
Why would he do that? I think to myself.
He doesn't want me to know that he's going to DC.
He doesn't want me to know that he's hoping to get another job.
Doesn't he trust me? Doesn't he care about me enough?
Maybe this relationship isn't as serious as I thought.
Am I a fool to be giving up my dreams for Max and he's not doing anything for me? The money is great, but I want more from life than money. I want more from him. And if I can’t get that, then I need to remember what my dreams have always been.
I grab my phone, open my email, and check to see the link that Skye sent me.
I click on it and decide that I'm going to submit my name for an audition, even if it means going to LA.
If Max is looking for other jobs and doesn't care about staying in the same city as me, then I'm going to do the same thing.
I'm not going to be the woman who gives up everything in my life for a man when he doesn't even care about our relationship.
My heart cracks as I stare at him, dancing around the kitchen, acting goofy.
He looks over at me and gives me a big, wide smile, his blue eyes light and happy.
I love this man. I love him more than I thought I could ever love anyone.
But I'm not going to put myself in a position where he can break my heart and leave me with nothing.
If he wants to have his secrets, he can, but then I'm going to have mine, as well.