Chapter 9 #2
“Some of them are happy to live like that, wanking about the stories you tell them, others actually take the plunge and have affairs. But they’ll always get caught in the end.
My friend Amy’s been unhappily married for years, and then suddenly she bumps into this old friend of hers after years of not having seen each other.
There’s always been a sexual connection between them, and some unfinished business, as it were.
Anyway, they meet up for a drink, nothing happens, but they become Facebook friends.
They start chatting on messenger, and eventually the chat gets a bit saucy.
Then she just comes right out with it and says, ‘Look, we’re gonna end up licking Nutella off each other’s genitals, so let’s just crack on with it and get a hotel.
’ While all this chat is happening in the safety of her messenger app on her phone, hubby is at home on the laptop, where Amy’s left her Facebook logged in. ”
“Ouch!” I exclaimed.
“Yeah, the price of technology, eh? My point is, don’t just try and find someone because you think you’re supposed to, or because your mum wants you to.
Do what you want to do. Your mum wants to see you happy.
She doesn't want to see you with someone just for the sake of it. You need to chill out and enjoy yourself. Stop looking for the perfect man. He doesn't exist. Well, apart from me of course, but I think between us, we’ve both managed to fuck that right up.”
I let out an awkward laugh as he snatched my phone from the table.
“What’s your passcode?”
I snatched it back, entered my newly formulated passcode with my hand cupped around the screen, and handed it back to him.
“Don’t you dare text my mum,” I said sternly.
He drew a crucifix on his chest with his finger, then started to download a multitude of apps for me, each one looking progressively more depraved than the last.
“Er… I hope you're on the wifi, or that’s gonna cost me a fortune in data. In fact, give it here,” I said, snatching the phone back.
“Enjoy,” he said as I started scrolling through the various new ‘toys’ he’d installed on my device. Consequently, the rest of the afternoon was a write-off as I was far too distracted by the thought of registering to the best part of a dozen new dating apps.
Ben had a date lined up for that afternoon anyway, so hoovered up the rest of his drink, kissed me on the cheek, and said goodbye in what I believe was French.
I walked through the streets of Soho, bumping into a wave of disgruntled pedestrians as I couldn't wait to tuck into these new apps. I sat tapping my leg vigorously on the Underground, logging on as and when wifi appeared at random tube stations, swiping through as many people as I could. By the time I arrived home, I’d run out of potential matches.
I was like a drug addict whose dealer had gone on an unexpected holiday. Fun times.
Finn and I had a nasty task ahead of us this afternoon.
The estate agent was pressuring for an answer by the weekend and needed a ‘yes’, or we’d lose out on a great flat.
Bowing to the pressure, Finn eventually said yes, which meant I was pretty much obligated to do the same.
That meant we both had to tell Mum that we were moving out.
Finn was in charge of cooking. He had phenomenal skills in the kitchen and whipped up a spicy sausage and bean pasta sauce with some swish ingredients that he’d acquired from a soothingly middle-class pop-up shop at the weekend.
It was culinary perfection. He cooked a separate organic vegetable chilli for Mum as she was only eating purely natural vegan food at the moment.
All was quiet at the kitchen table apart from the sound of clinking cutlery and the occasional purr from Lilla’s throat whenever I discreetly fed her a piece of sausage.
“How was the treatment today, Mum?” Finn thankfully asked.
I dreaded asking that question, not because I didn’t care, but because I was terrified of the possibility of any bad news that she might relay to us both.
“I’ve reconnected with an old friend of your father’s who’s a nutritionist and he’s much better than the last one.
He’s put me on a strict superfood diet and recommended a few things I can include that he reckons have been proven to reduce tumours.
Much better than that all that chemo crap,” she said, screwing her nose up at the mouthful of whatever stringy stuff she was chewing on.
“But you’re still doing the chemo, right?” I asked, worriedly.
“Oh, yeah. For my sins.”
She flicked her eyes to the heavens, then held her breath while she shovelled another mouthful of… I wanted to say—hay into her mouth.
We all sat within the tight grip of a contemplative silence, until she spoke again.
“You’re both moving out, aren’t you?” said Mum with a knowing smile.
Whatever women’s intuition was, it had nothing on mother’s intuition.
“I overheard Finn talking to the estate agent on Saturday morning.”
All right, but I still stood by what I said about mother’s intuition.
“Well, I’ve been offered a flat in Tooting, but can’t afford it on my own, and Danny said he’d be up for it…”
“Judas!” I interrupted.
“True-das. Anyway, I primarily said yes, but if you need us here, I’ll totally sack it off. I haven’t signed anything,” Finn continued.
“Don't be a tit. You boys go. It’s only down the road, and Florence is around the corner if anything goes wrong–– which it won’t.
Seriously. I’ll be fine. And anyway, it’s about time my little boy moved out.
You're thirty in a few weeks. I should’ve chucked you out ten years ago. I’m too bloody soft is my trouble.”
Mum’s eyes went warm and fuzzy and I could see the beginnings of tears glistening over her dark eyes. God, I felt awful about this. I knew she needed us, but also knew there was no way she’d let us miss out on this opportunity.
I wondered whether I was doing the right thing as I watched her thinning neck muscles while she continued to reluctantly graze on her platter of super-food.
There had always been a special connection between us that was almost spiritual.
We could sit in each other’s company and not say a word to each other but feel completely content.
And that was what happened over the rest of dinner as we all kept our tears locked away in the purgatory behind our eyes.