Chapter 12
Chapter
Twelve
I raced home after work in the hope that I’d catch Finn before he left for his night-shift. I bolted into the flat, chucked my pointless man-bag into the kitchen, then ran to Finn’s bedroom where I found him slurping on a glass of very weak Ribena.
Finn held up his hands. “Look. I may have fucked up a teeny-weeny bit.”
I folded my arms tightly and fixed a gaze upon him.
“Oh. Right, okay,” said Finn. “So, I had the day off… as you know. I thought I’d have a little scout around this dating app…”
“A filthy one? Be honest, now’s the time.”
“A filthy one. Don't pretend to be disgusted, because I know you’re up to the same old shit,” said Finn, waggling his finger at me erratically.
“Whatevs. Anyway, this isn’t about me, so, spill.”
“So, I found a girl who, in my humble opinion, was ‘a bit of me’. ”
“Girls this week, is it?” I interrupted.
Finn shrugged.
“I told you, I like to mix it up. Anyway, she told me that she liked to travel around to different bloke’s houses day or night, have sex with them, then immediately leave. Sometimes she’d do up to three visits a day. Can you believe that?”
“I can, actually, but carry on,” I replied, tapping my still non-existent watch.
“It just so happened that I was in her ‘delivery’ area as it were. Kind of like a one-woman sexy Ocado van, I suppose.”
I squinted.
“Ahem. Anyway, the chat was getting a bit on the saucy side and she seemed to be a very um… sexually adventurous woman. Before I knew it, she’s relaying all manner of fantasies to me, one of which she was desperate to act out––today.”
“Which was…?” I asked.
“Well, okay. So, she asked me whether I would strip naked, blindfold myself, and sit in my room stroking my um… old chap, waiting for her to let herself in.”
I made myself comfortable, gesturing for him to continue.
“Right, so she told me to leave the keys somewhere that she could find them easily, then she’d let herself into the flat, and we’d have mad, rampant sex. After that she’d leave––and get this––without even saying a word. Now, I’m a pretty adventurous guy. I mean, as you know, I mix my drinks.”
“True, I saw you mix still and sparkling water once,” I said.
Finn cocked a finger gun at me.
“Don't you think that this is quite a dangerous little sex game to be playing with somebody that you’ve never met before?” I continued, in a tone suggesting that I would never have risky sex with a stranger.
“Danger is something you just stop thinking about once you’ve been meeting strangers online over the years.
I mean, it just doesn't register. Plus, I’m a copper.
Nobody’s gonna mess with me, surely?” said Finn, pressing his glasses up against his nose, looking the least tough that any copper has ever looked.
“ Years ? But you’ve only been split up from Naomi a few months.”
“Hmm. Yeah, about that. Naomi may or may not have caught me in somewhat of a compromising position, which resulted in our impending separation,” admitted Finn at last.
“Okay, gonna need to break from this story and jump into the Naomi thing,” I said, making a mental note to go back to the previous story after this can of worms had crawled away.
“Well, I met a gorgeous guy on a fetish site, and he was kind of into these um… ‘slavery scenarios,’ shall we say?”
“Of course he was.”
“Anyway, Naomi was supposedly out working, and I kind of invited this dude round. He wanted me to act out a fantasy where I was his slave master. It’s quite a common thing these days, you know?”
“Actually, I do, yes.”
“So, anyway… we did… that.”
I shook my head at him before pressing on. “And let me guess… Naomi walked in mid-fantasy?”
“Yeah.”
“Oosh! ”
“She did not take kindly to the naked man tied to the bed with a ponytail butt-plug in his arse.”
“Sure. I mean, why would your wife possibly mind that?” I said.
“It all happened so fast and there was nothing I could do.”
“May I suggest we just keep that as our little secret?” I pleaded.
“A fine suggestion. So anyway… this Ocado woman,” Finn continued.
“She was due to come around at 12. So, I stripped off naked, blindfolded myself, and sat in the comfy chair in my room, waiting for her. Then I started y’know, doing what I was ordered to, so that I’d be in the ‘required state’ when she arrived.
I was doing this for about five minutes when I felt the slam of the door downstairs.
My hearing wasn’t at 100%, because the blindfold was obscuring it somehow.
Actually, that’s weird, isn’t it? Anyway, what I could hear coming up the stairs was definitely a female voice, but it was accompanied by another male voice.
I mean, naturally, I thought it was a couple of murderers. ”
“But you’re a copper and nobody messes with you, right?”
“Exactly, but as if I tell people on dodgy apps that I’m a copper. Well, not unless they watch those CSI programmes and I’m trying to impress ‘em.”
“Of course. Silly me.”
“I thought about what I could do. The only option would have been to jump out the window, so there was no escape. You know what, I didn’t even think to take off the blindfold.
I just kind of sat there; blinded, frozen to my seat and totally naked.
What can I say? Your brain does weird things when you're in danger.
Anyway, by the time my bedroom door opened, it was too late to do anything.
I held my breath––as if that was going to help me.
If anything, that would assist them in the murder, wouldn't it?” Finn laughed.
“Quite right,” I agreed.
“All I heard was a male gasp, the most profuse of apologies, and then my bedroom door slamming shut––hard. About thirty seconds later, the front door slammed. Then it clicked. Bloody estate agent! Then of course I cursed you for not telling me they were coming.”
“Oh yeah, apologies mate. All my fault. I mean imagine the conversation between the agent and the client? ‘Ooh, does the naked, blindfolded man come with the flat? I mean, it’s not a deal-breaker. Obviously, I can bring my own when I move in.’ Jesus, Phineas!”
“I know. What made it worse was that my date didn’t even turn up because she saw a man and a woman enter my flat and thought that I’d arranged some sort of orgy without her knowing.
I explained to her afterwards that it was just an estate agent, and she said, ‘Well that’s worse.
Why would I want to have sex with one of those?
’ The whole thing is a complete mess and I’m very sorry that I’ve lost you ￡500,” said Finn, widening his eyes so much, he began to look like he had an inbuilt Snapchat filter.
“You know that the buyer could be someone local? They could even be someone that sees you in Sainsbury’s all the time,” I warned.
“Oh, what? I didn't think of that.”
“I’ll leave you with that. I’ve gotta go and meet a mate,” I said.
Ben had sacrificed a night of dating for a catch-up. I filled him in on the two great stories that my brother had told me. Needless to say, he hardly batted an eyelid.
“Oh, that reminds me to tell you about an estate agent with a puppy-play fetish that I’m seeing at the moment,” he said, blowing on his nails.
“I somehow knew you were gonna say something like that. Those fetish sites really are your thing, aren’t they? I bet my brother is on all the same ones as you. Here, do you recognise this fella?” I called up his Facebook profile.
“Can’t say I do,” said Ben.
“Damn.”
“You should try one out. You get some proper wild ones on there. I reckon you’d love it,” he added.
“Aren’t the people on there all a bit ‘hurty’, though?” I asked.
Ben laughed.
“You’ve heard of safe-words, right?” said Ben, patting my hand reassuringly. “Give it a whirl. Something a bit different could do you the world of good,” he added, biting his lip.
“We’re never gonna have sex, are we?”
“No way. I couldn't do it to you. I’d feel awful putting you through all the stuff I like. You're too sweet.”
“But you’d still like to if I wasn't?” I asked, trying to grab a cheap ego boost.
“Maybe. I can’t deny there’s a pinch of chemistry between us, or I wouldn't have snogged your face off.”
“Or made my tongue bleed.”
“Did I? Sorry, don't know my own strength. Anyway, we’re both busy with other ‘projects’, aren’t we? And I think we’re pretty much friend-zoned now anyway. No going back from that,” he said, wisely .
I shrugged in agreement.
“I’m supposed to be trying to find a proper boyfriend anyway. It’d make Mum so happy, and I’ve got a bad feeling she’s not got long left. She’s not responding to any of the therapy and she keeps doing all these NLP tricks on me to calm me down and put me off the scent of what’s really going on.”
“Clever girl,” said Ben, peering over his work glasses.
“You look good in those.”
“I know,” he replied, licking his lips and igniting that tiny bit of chemistry between us that I was gripping onto.
I shivered the fantasy that was creeping into my mind away and carried on the conversation. “Have you ever thought about giving all this up and settling down with someone?” I asked.
“No chance, not for me. I’m a total sex addict.
I thrive off of depravity. It makes me happy.
It doesn’t ruin my health like alcohol, drugs and cigarettes.
I use alcohol, drugs and cigarettes to do that.
Some people just aren’t born to be monogamous.
There’s nothing wrong with that. Sex is such a natural thing that we all deserve.
Besides, the attention I get from apps is such a fucking ego boost, it’s unreal.
Do you know, I was always the fat, ugly kid at school that nobody talked to or wanted to be seen with?
People would snog me, but never admit it to their friends.
I had no confidence for years and now men are falling over themselves to get a date with me. ”
“You know what, Ben? You're all right.”
“Love you too, Daniel,” he said as he went to playfully twist my nipple.
I blocked his arm with what I imagined was another slick karate move, minus the ‘knocking his Whisky Mac onto the floor’ bit.
“You twat,” he said, correctly.
After replacing his curiously tasty beverage, I asked him what his plans were for the weekend.
“Oh, Lovaboyz are doing a singles party in Brighton on Saturday…”
“ Lovaboyz ? Brighton?” I said, clearly disapproving the first noun in that sentence.
“Well, it’s my friend Joe’s birthday and he fancied it. His bunch are always a good laugh. We’ve hired a minibus with a load of mates. There’s space if you fancy it? I’ve got some hot friends coming. I could introduce you?”
“Luke’s not going, is he?”
“Nope. You’re safe. Or should I say, he’s safe?”
I scoffed.
Then I remembered that the Lovestuck party that Harry was going to was in fact this Saturday as well.
The temptation of meeting a bus-load of Ben’s deviant friends somehow sounded more appealing, though.
It was like I was finally being thrust at full pelt towards the dark-side.
Sure, I would have loved to end up with Harry and live happily ever London with him, but was I really ready to give up this wonderful world of free-lust just yet?
Besides, Harry was more than happy to set me up with his friends as I recall, which means that ship has definitely sailed.
Ben seemed so happy doing what he was doing, and he never had to answer to anyone. It made me think… do I really want to lose my freedom and be tied to one person when I clearly love dating so much? I’m not even 30 yet. I’ve got loads of time for all that nonsense. Why not have some fun?
“What time are you leaving?” I asked.
“About 12ish.”
“All right. I’m in.”