Chapter 20
Chapter
Twenty
I knew it. I knew there was something wrong with Mum.
She was so ridiculously protective of me, that I was the only one that was kept in the dark.
Everyone else fucking knew. She was going to tell me that day last month when I went to expose Neil, but she lost her bottle.
A couple of days before, Mum had been in for a consultation and had received some catastrophic news.
After a bunch of scans, the doctors had found that there had been some changes, and none were good.
Her tumours were not responding to the treatments, and furthermore, the cancer was now spreading––fast.
“I know, mate. It’s just fucking awful,” said Finn, trying to hold himself together.
“It’s spread to her liver, pancreas and worse than that, her brain.
She told me last week and I was trying to think of a way to tell you, but she swore me to secrecy.
Man, I’ve never seen her lose her shit, but she just lost control completely.
She was shaking so much. Terrified. She said that she could handle the cancer anywhere but her brain.
I haven’t seen her cry for years. It was horrendous. ”
“So, what can we do? There must be something. This can’t be it, surely? It's Mum. What did they say?” I said, becoming more and more panicked.
“Okay, listen, mate. Sit down for a sec.”
“Oh, fuck off. That’s never good, is it? Sit down? Just hit me with it. How long?”
“They're saying maybe two months.”
I sat down.
I somehow felt Mum’s life force drain away through me. It was like a piece of me had just been sucked away.
“She’s been in pain this past week and I think she’s gonna have to go into the Royal Marsden,” said Finn. “She’s not strong enough to work, and she can’t cope at home on her own. I guess we just have to accept that.”
“No. No way. I’ll go and stay with her. If she goes in there, she’s not coming back out. We both know that.”
Finn bowed his head with respect to the truth bomb that had just exploded.
“We can't give up on her,” I pleaded. “She’s Mum. Remember when she ripped her hand open helping me get that mattress up the stairs when we moved flat? ‘Just a fucking scratch’, she said. Her bloody thumbnail was hanging off. She’s indestructible. I just can’t…”
“I know, mate. I haven’t even told Lilla yet either,” said Finn.
I coughed out a laugh through my tears as his hand landed on my shoulder and squeezed it as we both looked down at Lilla washing her behind.
A week later, Mum was in hospital and we all knew that it was nearing the end. I sat with her as she laughed and joked about absolute nonsense. That was the morphine chatting shit, not her.
Auntie Florence sat with me, asking her if she needed anything and tidying Mum’s stuff around her, like she did. She was putting on an act for me as if everything was normal, but we both knew it wasn’t.
That was when I lost it. I burst into tears as I looked at Mum’s quizzical face.
“What’s he bawling for? Silly sod!” She laughed.
Florence tried to come up with something but couldn’t muster anything to cover it up. “He’s just upset seeing his mother like this.”
I grabbed Mum’s hand and did what I could to hold back the tears.
“What are you snivelling for?” Mum asked.
“Nothing,” I said, before releasing a fresh flood of tears.
“How’s that lovely man of yours? When am I gonna meet him?”
“He’s good, Mum. He really wants to come and meet you.”
“Quite right too,” laughed Mum, before burying her nose into her word search.
Florence nodded towards the ward door. “We’re just going to get a coffee, Christine. Do you want anything?”
“Yeah, I want him to stop crying.”
I strained a smile and we went outside.
“Listen,” said Florence, grabbing both of my hands, “They’re moving your mother to the palliative care unit later on today.”
“The what? What's that?” I asked.
“It’s um… well, it’s… it’s the kind of… last place they go before… Darling, there’s no easy way of saying it. I’m so sorry. S he’s my big sister,” she said, before bursting into tears and falling into my arms.
Life passed by so quickly. I remember when Florence was taller than me, now she fell just short of my shoulders. It was like no time had passed at all, and yet here we were.
We both cried. After we composed ourselves, we both went back in. Mum was doing a word search puzzle, with her spectacles perched precariously on her nose. She looked up over them at us.
“Where’ve you two been? Slagging me off, no doubt,” she said.
We sat with her for half an hour or so, and of course she seemed in good spirits with all that morphine partying through her veins.
It just wasn’t Mum anymore, though. Her sparkle had gone.
It was almost like she didn't really recognise me.
She looked through me rather than into my soul.
This was the hardest thing for me to accept.
“I’m gonna stay for a bit, darling,” said Florence. “Why don’t you head off?”
I didn't argue with her. Of course I didn't want to leave Mum for a minute, knowing how little time we had left together. I had to get out of that room, though. I felt bitter-sweet that the real Mum was being taken from me by a drug that was the only thing keeping her out of pain.
I drove home, and later on, Harry came over and we held each other on my bed, comfortable in silence. A bit like Mum and I when I used to get upset when I was younger.
“You know I’m just going out with you because your Mum’s dying, don’t you?” said Harry with a cheeky smile.
I spat out a laugh.
One of the things that I was beginning to admire about Harry was his directness. Any elephant in the room had no chance of keeping hold of its ivory when he was around .
“You’re a liar. You know what? You're great,” I said.
I stopped. Harry froze, then turned his head slowly towards me.
“You luuurve me, don’t you?” he said.
“What? Don't be ridiculous.”
He jumped up and repeated himself over and over again, then poked my ribs, which made me release an involuntary fart.
“Fuck off,” I laughed, unsure whether or not he had heard my latest release.
He stopped and looked me directly in the eyes before launching into a particularly peachy kiss. “Well, I think I might love you too,” he said.
Without missing a beat, I replied, “Me too. I fucking love you so much. Like loads. I’ve wanted to tell you for ages. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I think about you all the time and…”
“Well, I wouldn't go that far,” he interrupted.
My face fell.
“Jokes!” he said.
It was a welcome break from the emotional pandemonium that I’d been experiencing over the past few weeks, and the feeling of joy was a real release. But it didn't last long. My phone started ringing. It was Florence. I prepared myself for the hardest moment of my life.
“Hello, darling. Now, don’t panic. Your mother has slipped into a coma.”
“What? No,” I said, before bursting into tears.
“I know, darling. We’ve been here before with Gran. We knew it was coming.”
“Okay, I’m on my way back there.”
“All right. I’ll see you soon. Palliative care ward. Drive careful. Finn’s on his way, too. ”
I didn't need to tell Harry what was going on. He was a smart man. I fumbled around for my keys and ran around my room without really even knowing what I was looking for. Subconsciously, I knew that ‘keys, wallet, phone’ was all I needed, but I couldn’t think straight.
“Calm down. Take your time. Listen, I know I’m totally not family or anything, and tell me to fuck off if you want, but I can come with you. I won't come into the ward, cos, y’know, that’s your personal shit. But I’d like to… actually, fuck it, I am coming.”
I couldn't fight through my tears, even if I wanted to. Plus, I did want him there with me. “Okay,” I said.
We arrived at the hospital. Harry said he’d stay downstairs in the canteen, but I insisted he came with me. We made our way up to the Palliative Care Ward, and Harry said he should wait outside for now. I was in such an erratic state that I agreed.
I walked into the ward. That’s where I found Florence sitting with my mother; now a shell of a woman, lying on her side with her mouth wide open, letting out an horrific sound that I’d heard only once before.
It sounded like her lungs were collapsing and re-building themselves with each breath.
It was the very definition of a ‘death rattle’.
She was unconscious and stiff. I could no longer see my mother in that body. She was just about hanging on. Mum was always such a fighter, and so stubborn. She would never give up on anything. Except the booze.
Finn arrived at the same time, and couldn’t hold himself together. He pulled a couple of chairs right up to Mum’s bed and we each took one of her hands. Finn pressed his lips tightly against her palm. She continued to rattle.
“Just let go, Mum,” Finn said through his tears .
We were all thinking the same thing. She was totally holding on just for us. Her forehead seemed to be knotted in sheer, sweaty determination.
All of us sat in silence and watched her for the best part of an hour.
“Mum, we’re all okay. You can leave us now. Please don't hold on for us,” I said.
Florence got up and pretended to go and buy a coffee.
I knew she needed to get out and have a chance to grieve for her sister, even though it wasn't ‘official’ yet.
She knew, though. She had been here before with her mother.
In fact, we all had. It was exactly the same.
The same death rattle. The same everything.
After some time, Florence and Finn decided to go.
It was probably a good decision. The three of us were putting ourselves through sheer torture watching the same breath pattern cycle over and over again.
I knew deep down that Mum wouldn't pass away with us in the room.
She wouldn't want us to be there for that.
I walked outside to check on Harry, who himself was being stubborn and refused to leave without me.
“Come and meet her. I know she can still hear us. I just want her to… you know.”
“I know,” he said.
We walked into the room. Mum’s condition was unaltered. I could see the horror on Harry’s face, maybe because he had been here before. That was to be a question for another time, though.
“Mum. I’ve brought someone here I want you to meet. This is Harry.”
“Hi, Mrs P,” said Harry.
“Anyway, today we announced to each other that we’re in love, and I think this is it for me, for the first time.
I know it's what you’ve always wanted, and I think it’s happened.
In fact, I know it has. So, I just want you to know, I’ll be all right.
Don’t hang on for me, Mum. Please. I know you’ll always be with me. ”
I let her hand go.
“It's true. I love your stupid son. Oh, hi…
it's Harry again, by the way. Shame we couldn't meet under better circumstances, eh? Anyway, I know from him how much of a legend you are. He doesn't stop banging on about you. So, I just want you to know that I’ve met a lot of blokes in my time, and I mean a LOT…”
“Alright!” I interrupted.
“He’s the one. I’ll look after him for you. So, if you want me to take the baton, I’ll gladly do it. It’s so nice to meet you at last, Mrs P.”
Harry got up, bowed his head and walked out of the room. A tear rolled down his cheek as he signalled me to meet him downstairs.
“He’s all right, isn't he?” I asked Mum.
There still wasn't a flicker of life. Just that same death rattle over and over again.
“I’m gonna go now, Mum. I’ll see you in the morning, but… you know…”
I kissed her forehead and rubbed her hands, noticing her nails that were once so red and vibrant now looked like nothing more than wood shavings.
I went downstairs and found Harry thumbing through a terrible soap opera magazine.
“Just so you know, that was the best of a bad bunch,” he said, tossing the mag on the table.
We climbed into the car and embarked on the journey back. It was raining hard. We’d just turned into Tooting Broadway when my phone started ringing .
Shit. It was an unknown number. My stupid online dating brain first thought it was a straggler from my past wanting to get in touch, but this was a landline. What self-respecting online dater would use a landline in this day and age?
I pulled over to answer the call.
“Hello, is that Danny? Danny Pecorelli?”
“Yeah. Who’s this?”
“Hi, Danny. I’m Sarah Tomlin from the Royal Marsden Hospital. I’m phoning about your Mum….”
She let out an elongated, sympathetic sigh.
As the rain beat down on the windscreen, Harry squeezed my hand, and somehow I felt that everything was as it was meant to be. Although a huge part of my life was now gone, I knew things were going to be all right.
And I knew that somehow, wherever she was, Mum knew it too.