Chapter 2
December 11 th
I woke up with a pounding headache. My body felt drained of its tears and desperate for a tall glass of water. Grasping for my surroundings, I stood up from the couch that I had fallen asleep on, still fully dressed from the night before. My face felt disgusting from the makeup that I didn’t bother to wash off. What I needed was a long, hot bath, but first, I went to the fridge and poured some water out of my filtered pitcher.
Pushing all the thoughts from my mind of Theo and his greater love for the mountains than for me, I listened to the world around me. My microwave clock read 5:59 a.m.; the silence was deafening at that hour. My condo, one of only four in the entire building, felt empty and lifeless. Void of joy. After I drank the water, I went and poured myself a hot bath and rummaged through my drawers for the fancy bath salts that someone gave me for Christmas last year, the kind that would take the stress right out of my body. In doing so, I unintentionally caught my reflection. I reached for a makeup wipe and started scrubbing while I looked at the label for the “Relaxation Remedy” bath salts. It advised to use two scoops with the metal scoop provided.
As I dumped the entire contents of the container in the tub, I flipped off the bathroom light and opened the blind to my bathroom window. No one could see me in there since the bathroom window faced an open field that would one day be another luxury hotel. But at that time, it was still a slice of what the Sage Mountain of my childhood used to be: vast and wild.
Watching the sunrise come up over the hill was therapeutic. I thought about God and His promises to me, to everyone. He only gives a person what they can handle, and I know I can move on from this … Eventually, I closed my eyes as a few more tears escaped, saying a prayer for healing, happiness, and His supernatural peace to wash over me .
Lord, I only want what is in your divine plan for my life. While I would love for that to include Theo, You know all the days of my life, and Your plan is far greater than anything I could ever imagine. Lord, please comfort me during this horrendous time. Thank You for the many blessings in my life. And I know You are here with me in my heartache. Lord, please help me. Give me Your hand and guide me. I feel hopeless and lost.
I awoke to the sound of my phone ringing. Sitting up, I concluded the bath salts worked, as I’d fallen back asleep in the tub during my prayer. Because of that, hypothermia was about to set in. Oh, dear. What time was it? The sun was up, as a shimmering light came washing in through the window, touching everything inside of my bathroom. Stepping out of the tub, I went for my towel and plush robe while heading to see who was trying to call me.
Crushingly, it wasn’t Theo calling to tell me he’d made a terrible mistake. I knew it had only been hours since he ended it, but I yearned for a time when it wouldn’t hurt like that anymore. The caller was my mother .
“Hey, mom.” My voice was raspy and weak. She hesitated, knowing something was off, but asked if she could swing by to drop off a little something special from her and Dad. “Sure, I’m home. I’d love to see you guys.” They would be there in twenty minutes, and I had a miracle to perform on my eyes and desperately needed to tidy up before then.
I went into my room and threw on a pair of warm socks, stretch jeans, and a baggy t-shirt, something I wore pre-Theo all the time. I also dabbed on a quick swipe of concealer under my eyes and a brushing of waterproof mascara on my eyelashes. That enhanced my face quickly, and I looked almost normal. Thankfully, my hair was still neat from the day before, just a little flat from sleeping on it.
Taking stock of the living area, it felt like sadness and smelled like stale air. I picked up the wad of tissues from the coffee table and wiped down all the flat surfaces with a gently fragranced multi-purpose cleaner. Last, I cracked open the kitchen window ever so slightly for some fresh air. It felt much better, then.
Still having a handful of minutes, I put on an old record that I used to play on repeat until I met Theo and found out it was his least favorite type of music. I was thinking that I had made a lot of sacrifices which he didn’t ask me to make. He never told me once that I couldn’t dress like this or couldn’t listen to that. But I did them—cut things I loved out of my life because I wanted Theo to fit so perfectly into the void, to slide into the role of my future husband. My thoughts consumed me when another knock came at the door, causing shivers to run down my spine.
“Happy birthday, dear!” Both of my parents stood at the entryway to my condo holding balloons, a card, and a cake with the candles already in it. “We hope this is a good time. You haven’t been answering your phone all morning, so we didn’t get to give you much notice…”
My mother looked me up and down. “Of course, come in! It’s kind of a funny story… I wasn’t feeling that great, so… I took a bath, and I guess I fell asleep in it. I didn’t realize how tired I was.”
Playfully smacking my forehead with the palm of my hand, I chose to purposely omit the part where Theo, the guy they loved to the moon and back, had just hours before dumped me. My parents looked at me and at each other, while I eagerly motioned them inside .
“Welcome to thirty! You’ll only get more exhausted from here,” my mother exclaimed, laughing. “We won’t keep you, dear. We know you are working today, and I’m sure you have plans at some fancy restaurant with Theo later. But we couldn’t let today go by without letting you know we love you and wish you all the best for this new decade in your life.”
I quickly played off my tears as being sentimental, caused by a multitude of reasons. As my father set the cake on the table, he galloped to the window to check out the mountain view.
“Thank you! I love you both so much. You’re so good to me.” I picked up my feet to retrieve the serving ware from my kitchen, grabbing a set of matching plates.
In the open concept condo that had little a footprint, I could see my parents shuffling around. My mother went to the record player. “I just love this record. I’m so glad you inherited my taste in music.”
“Patsy, you know you love my music, especially The Beach Boys. I remember you being the one to put on their Christmas album on the way over here. ”
“Okay, fine. After thirty-one years of marriage, meaning I’ve had the chance to listen to them day in and day out, I’ll admit it: They are my favorite band. Happy now?”
As I smiled at their bantering, my heart stopped noticing the time was a quarter to noon. On a Monday. Another panic set in as I had yet to contact work that I was unable to do anything that day but be a sad lump on the couch. Knowing how strict they were about professionalism, I asked my parents if they would like a cup of coffee with cake. I turned the faucet on to fill my pot, swiftly texting my boss Patricia that I’d had a major personal emergency, and I couldn’t work that day. I apologized profusely, ensuring it was short, distinct, and clear, but not overly emotional to discourage any inclination on her part to pry or refuse. It was a fine line to tow, asking for a personal day when that day was already half over.
My mother was standing behind me in the kitchen when I turned around to the small island. “I brought the cake in here to cut. Don’t feel you need to entertain us, dear, if you’ve got something else going on…? It sure is good to see you, Claire. And if there is something going on, I want you to feel you can tell me. ”
She must have been implying my appearance looked ragged and puffy. I’d never felt so awful in my life, so I was certain my looks matched that tenfold. “No, no. This is amazing. Do you want me to cut and serve the cake?”
She happily obliged and served it on three little blue plates with a white scalloped edge.
Pouring the coffee into matching cups with saucers made me feel better about my life. At least my house was in order. I took a sip of the hot coffee as I felt groggy and out of it; I need this to kick in fast. We all grabbed our coffee and cake and went to my dining room table directly on the other side of my kitchen wall.
“Oh, there’s one thing I forgot. Mac? The gift.” My mother reached for the gift bag that I hadn’t noticed before now, handing it to me. “Open it.” She was beaming her beautiful smile.
“You guys didn’t have to get me anything. That’s so sweet.” I reached in, finding a beautiful black cashmere sweater. It was classy and timeless, feeling stunning in my hands, and I couldn’t wait to put it on. “I absolutely love it! I’m eager to wear it right now! ”
As I entered my bedroom, I fought against more tears. “Lord, please grant me the strength to get through this. I want to hold my composure... They don’t need to see my pain.” I took a set of deep breaths and put on the sweater in place of my baggy, formless t-shirt. Maybe it was the return to normalcy, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to admit it, but that form-fitting, dressy sweater made me feel better instantly and lifted my spirits in ways I couldn’t have imagined.
“There she is!” my father hollered as I stepped out of my room. I put my hands up and did a twirl for him as I had always done when I was a little girl, putting on my frilliest princess dress and modeling it for my parents. It was especially something that my father always got a kick out of.
“That looks like someone made it specifically for you, Claire.”
I gave my mother a hug, thanking her for such a lovely gift and saw that in my absence, she had lit the cake up with birthday candles.
“Now, for the cake.”
We all sat down for the fresh coffee and the beautiful raspberry and white chocolate cake, my favorite flavor. I blew out the darling little pink candles, robotically licking the frosting off the bottoms, and dove in. “This cake is everything.” After taking that first bite, I couldn’t stop. “I think I’ll have another piece.” My mother looked at me with a wide smile when I said that. I had been on a pretty strict diet the last year, mimicking what Theo ate, which comprised little to no carbs, fats or anything mildly enjoyable. “This might be the best cake I’ve ever had.”
My father laughed in agreement. “It is quite delicious.” He winked at my mother. “You did good, Patsy.”
“What can I say? I know where to shop, Mac.” She got up and refilled her coffee, offering the same to us.
“I’ll take another cup, though there’s enough sugar in this cake to keep me going for a few hours, before I crash, anyway.”
She chuckled and returned to the table with the coffeepot, setting it on a placemat after refilling it. “So, tell us dear, where is Theo taking you tonight? I hope he is keeping up the tradition of ice skating, since you’ve gone for every birthday your entire life.” She put her hands under her chin, reminiscent of wanting to hear the popular gossip from a gal pal .
My mother was so cute with her flaming red hair and rosy cheeks. I could not upset her yet. I needed to put that conversation off for now until I could properly handle it without crying. While I hadn’t forgotten about my tradition of ice skating, I hadn’t yet considered doing it solo. “Oh, I don’t know. But I would love to check out that new Italian restaurant in Corks Canyon sometime. Maybe all three of us could do that one weekend?” It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t entirely transparent, either. I just wasn’t ready to relive what had happened. To my relief, they loved that idea.
“How about when we get back from Alaska? We are heading up there soon for the new ‘Badger Basin’ ski lift dedication at Mystic Mountain Resort, and your father is going to be testing it out repeatedly.”
She laughed, taking out her phone calendar to check the dates, and I looked at them with admiration. This is love. While my parents had different ideas of fun—my father’s ideal time was anything on skis, and my mother’s was anything with a crochet hook—they still were perfect for each other.
“We return right after New Year’s. Would that work, sweetie? That gives us a couple of weeks to make the plans. We could even get some hotel rooms and stay the weekend. I’ll bet Theo would like to climb that mountain in Corks. Mac, what is it called again?” My father pondered the question, but before he could answer, I interjected.
“Let’s keep it just the three of us. I never get you both to myself anymore.” My father gazed at me with a quizzical look, but didn’t push it. I was certain that was disappointing for him, as he loved Theo deeply, but it was what it was.
“Are you sure you’ll be alright for Christmas this year? We don’t want you to feel abandoned since we will spend it in Alaska.” My father watched me with every word he spoke.
“Yes, I’ll be fine. With all the work I’d been doing for the airport, I was actually looking forward to an extra day off that month.” My parents asked a handful of questions about the progress of the airport, and we shared many polite platitudes. After we finished our coffee, they got up to leave.
“We have to take in the car for its winter tires this afternoon, so we better get going.” My father stopped in front of his Olympian Wheaties Box framed poster I had of him on my wall. “You could do much better than this thing for art, dear. What about a nice, colorful landscape? An oil painting of a valley of wildflowers? I’d be happy to help you pick out something a little more hip and stylish,” he teased me, and I leaned in for a hug.
The second they left, I let out a silent cry. My chest hurt from the carbs, sugar, and pain causing my anxiety levels to peak even higher. I picked up the picture of Theo on my shelf, surprised he didn’t take it with his belongings, as he gave it to me when we started dating. It was almost funny to think about then, but I loved it, and it had been there on my shelf ever since. In the photo, he was donning a vintage one-piece ski suit from the 1980s. It was quite colorful and had neon pieces sewn in random patterns. He wasn’t smiling but had more of a smirk as he stared into the camera. I pondered at the question: Was he ever genuinely happy with me, and if so, what changed?
Holding the photo, I felt as if he’d left it behind on purpose so I could mourn him. Suddenly, I wanted to throw the frame, break a window, and have it land on another continent. But I refrained; instead, I pulled open the door to the hallway closet that Theo had become so comfortable using and set it inside, face down on an emptied shelf .
A feeling of resentment pulsed through my veins. Lord, please don’t let me go down this path. No matter what, I do not want to feel hatred towards others , I prayed silently. No matter what, the feelings I had for Theo were real and very raw. It was going to be an emotional rollercoaster… But I hated to feel like I was constantly on the brink of a nervous breakdown.
The sugar from the cake hit me all at once, so I found the strength to clean up the kitchen, coffee area, and dining table. Then, returning to the couch, I fluffed up the pillows and shook out the throw blanket. Absentmindedly retrieving my phone, I saw a reply from Patricia acknowledging my personal day as well as the two missed calls from my parents, but nothing else.
I lay on the couch until darkness came again, replaying the scene from the day before over and over in my mind. Despite all of it, I still expected Theo to contact me in some form that day. I checked my social media apps, but there was just well wishes from friends. No texts had come through. I even checked my seldom-used personal email… Nothing. Did Theo even care that it was my birthday ?
Pain came again later when I saw Theo had updated his profile picture on social media from one of us to a photo of just him. With Theo’s notoriety, he had thousands of followers on all of his accounts, but only this one he kept for family and friends, so I felt the jab from it. Though we had never publicly declared online to be in a relationship as he always preferred to keep his private life private, it was clear. He was back on the prowl.
I couldn’t fathom returning to work the next day. I didn’t care what it meant for my job. My only care at the time was getting over the hurt and heartbreak. Closing my social media apps, I sent Patricia an email saying that I would be out the rest of the week.
*****
As the sun slowly slid behind the peaks of Sage Mountain, I was growing tired of wallowing in my pity party. I had the rest of the week to do so, since I’d already called out of work… And it was my birthday. Ever since I could remember, that day of the year ended on ice skates, so that’s what I grudgingly set out to do .
The rink was a quarter mile from home. Though it was bitter cold, I layered up as best I could, while still retaining movement, gearing up in red snow overalls and a white thermal with a heavy black sweater over it. I topped it with a down parka. Slipping into my snow boots, I walked the distance, hoping the exercise would warm me up along the way.
When I arrived, the same family who ran the rink since I was a child was there to greet me, but instead of having their children there, they pointed out to me a new grandchild. “That’s little Flora. Isn’t she adorable? Already on skates—my heart.” Paul clutched his chest and smiled, while his wife, Philippa, handed me a pair of skates.
“Happy birthday, Claire.”
“How did you remember? Gosh, I just love you two. Thank you.”
“You have the same birthday as our oldest, Sheree. I remember when you were both little girls out here skating together. Now, you’re all grown up.”
I reminisced while she spoke. “I remember that. How is Sheree? Is this her daughter, Flora? ”
Philippa shook her head. “No. Sheree has two beautiful children, Samuel and Ashley, but they live in Colorado. They will be here for Christmas.”
My heart warmed knowing that Sheree had a family of her own, but it also served as yet another reminder that I was still waiting for my turn. I thanked them for the skates and turned to the rink.
Lacing up my skates and putting my snow boots out of the way under the bench, I did a familiar hobble onto the platform to get to the ice. The rink was gorgeous under the starry night sky; trees covered in twinkling lights surrounded it. Paul and Philippa served hot chocolate and apple cider while kids roasted marshmallows at the adjacent fire pits. I could hear a piano playing nearby, but I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from.
I did a few trips around the rink and thought about my life; wondering if I had done anything differently, would it have created another outcome? I supposed in a sense, yes, it would have if I had left the state for college and never returned. Had I majored in art history, I could have become a professor. If I had taken up skiing when I was young, maybe I would have been following Theo to Canada. If I had chosen any of those options, it was possible that I would have been scaling mountains on that very day in the Swiss Alps with my husband, whom I met in college, and the children we had right after getting married. I wouldn’t have been at the ribbon cutting with my father and never would have met Theo. Or would I had? Would I have flown in, no matter what, to be there when my father got the honors of cutting the ribbon by my hometown community? Could I really have chosen a different path and pursued things that I wasn’t passionate about? I didn’t think so.
I realized I had zero regrets about Theo. He was a part of my life, and I wouldn’t change a thing about it except for the heartbreak I was feeling then. Oh, how I longed for it to pass. If only things could have been different for us.
Remembering God and His promises for my life, these were things I didn’t need to be worrying about. I couldn’t change the outcome of what had already happened. I could only continue to pray for what could be.
A few couples skated past me, holding hands. It made me think of Theo, of course, but since he had been out of town last year on my birthday, I had no memories of him there with me, to which I felt relieved. That was my tradition, after all—something I’d done countless years alone. And I was doing it again.
A gentle snow fell around me, the snowflakes kissing my face. The world was quiet as I took smooth strides around the rink, enjoying the peace of the snow and the magical element that it brought as it fell all around me. A feeling of gratefulness burst through my heart. “Thank you, God, for the beauty of your creation.”
After twenty minutes, my core and legs felt warmed up, but my ears and nose felt like they might be on the verge of breaking off if I didn’t step into a warm building. I exited the rink, swapping out my skates and feeling pleased that I not only checked that box, but I fully enjoyed its festive atmosphere and community. I drank a cup of hot cider with Paul and Philippa at their stand next to the warmth of the heat lamp, but I still could not warm up. Then, the piano music got louder.
“Where is that coming from?” I asked Philippa, while Paul assisted a happy, young couple with their skates.
“That’s the new piano bar, just over there. See?” She pointed to a brick building with white trim. “With the people walking in... that one. ”
“A piano bar? I didn’t know we had such a thing. Hmm. Sounds kind of fun.”
“You should go check it out. Let me live through you, as we are stuck here until ten. Have fun, Claire. It’s your birthday.”
At her orders, I went directly there, just one block up. I didn’t let myself think about it, or I would have talked myself out of it.
When I entered the dimly lit piano bar, I was surprised to see that it was exactly what it appeared to be: a bar with a piano in the center. A woman greeted me at the door.
“Good evening. Will you be listening or playing tonight?”
My eyes got wide. “I will be, um… listening. I mean, I played piano as a kid, but… listening.”
She smiled and pointed to a little table in the center of the room. “Why don’t you sit right there, and Andrea will come over to check on you momentarily.”
I hung my coat up on the rack and took my seat. Andrea came over immediately, to which I put in an order for any hot drink she had .
“We make our own artisan cider with organic apples from Eastern Wyoming. Would you like some?”
I agreed, and she left. The woman from the front of the bar took the mic as the piano player finished his tune.
“Let’s give a round of applause to Tom for his rendition of ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame’!” The crowd wildly cheered him on. “Next up, we have Jason and the player of his choice.”
The man whom I presumed was Jason stood up and dramatically scanned the crowd, picking out a woman who was sitting in a booth with several others.
“Okay, Jason. You two will need to play a duet of ‘Auld Lang Syne.’” The pair looked at each other in panic as they exchanged words in rapid fire. Once they started playing, it was clear that one person really had the ability, and the other one had never seen a piano before. It was quite fun, and despite some off notes, the song was recognizable.
Once that song was over, and I was on my second mug of cider served in a giant pottery mug that fit the vibe, the announcer was busy with seating a large group, and another man took his turn. I could only see the back of him as he played a solo song, a wildly inaccurate rendition of ‘Fur Elise,’ but it was charming, nonetheless. Despite my five years of piano lessons, the only keys I’d touched in the last fifteen years were on my computer’s keyboard, so I cringed when I thought of my ability.
The announcer returned with her soft microphone. “Thank you, sir. Please choose from the crowd, as you’ll be doing a duet.”
When he turned, I saw his face for the first time. We made eye contact the instant he turned around, and it didn’t dawn on me that I should look away or get up and leave. But when he pointed right at me, my mind went blank.
“Wait, what? Me?” I shook my head. “I told the woman I wasn’t playing tonight.”
When the man got closer, his beautiful face came into focus as he offered to change his choice. “If you’d rather not, I can choose someone else.”
He had a handsomely, unusual appearance with auburn hair and olive skin. His freckles looked like a map to the hidden universe of my soul. He had striking, green eyes. Did I really have a reason to say no? It was my birthday, after all, and it would be a memorable experience. If I said no to this chance experience, what were those five years of piano lessons really for?
“Okay, sure. I’ll do it.” A few claps escaped from the people sitting around me as I got up, walked over to the piano, and felt the cushion of the seat creak below our weight. Lord, please keep this seat from falling. I giggled at the thought of my plea to God, as the announcer came up with our assignment, and it was then that I saw she did so by picking out a random song from a large fishbowl filled with folded up pieces of paper.
“You two will play ‘Chopsticks.’” The previous players groaned at our easier assignment, while the man beside me leaned in.
“We totally lucked out. There’s only one of those in the fishbowl each night. Do you know it? If you don’t, you can follow my lead.”
I nodded my head. “I know it. I just have to warm up. You start, and I’ll follow.” And he did.
I couldn’t help but notice how his agile hands moved across the keys like they were floating above them. After he started, my mind remembered the tune while my fingers started playing keys. The hair on the back of my neck stood up at the first few notes. I stayed on one side of the piano, but slowly, my hands reached further towards his side, reaching for the keys my heart remembered. He closed his eyes while he played, and I peeked at the man more than once. I missed a few keys, but he kept going, only smiling as he smoothed out the song with the right notes. Finally, by accident, our hands touched while we reached for the same key. Instead of moving, he put his hand over mine and we both hit the key, sending an electrical spark from my hand to my heart.
When the song was over, I felt emotion wash over me. It wasn’t just that it was a lovely song, but it was a novel experience. Though we were in a room full of strangers, I felt like we were the only two people in the world. I didn’t know that man, nor was I prepared to know him, but his presence felt empowering to me. Just being near him was healing for my broken heart.
He stood up and reached his hand out to shake mine. “Thank you for the song.”
Seeing his face was the equivalent of staring into the sun, and I felt silly for being overcome with emotion then. I shook his hand quickly and smiled, feeling awkward at what to say. He shuffled his feet and motioned to his table off to the side, and I looked to see who his friends were. They looked like a fun group, all smiles as they looked over at us.
“Thanks for choosing me.” I did a curtsy. “I’ll let you get back to your table.” Not hearing any objections to my words, I turned to leave but saw his lingering out of the corner of my eye as I paid my tab at the bar. I stole one more glance over my shoulder and caught him back at his table. He was sitting at the edge, looking in another direction. Despite his attractiveness and the fun experience, I wasn’t ready to jump into his friend group and chat. My social battery had drained and left me feeling exhausted. My eyes were puffy and my sinuses were blocked from crying.
As I walked home, I said a prayer about that man, whoever he was, that maybe we would cross paths again.