Chapter 9
December 31st
Of all the days to sleep in, it was the perfect one to do so. I felt no hurry to get out of bed and face reality. The bed in my hotel room was luxurious with soft down pillows and duvet, topped with thick cotton sheets. For being a busy ski lodge, it was very quiet there, more so than my condo in the heart of town. I slept like a rock, and I woke up with a feeling of clarity.
Blake wasn’t out to hurt me. Blake was out to help me, and in return, help himself. I couldn’t be mad at that since he held up his end of the bargain. I just wished I’d known what my end was… But would it have changed anything? Would I ha ve turned it down if it wasn’t completely one sided, in my favor? No, I supposed not.
As I brushed my teeth and combed my hair, I wondered why Blake hadn’t brought anyone home over the years. He was gorgeous, at least to me. His appealing auburn hair and olive skin were so striking with his pale eyes. He had a wonderful personality and always kept me laughing. He told me right off the bat that his goal was to have a wife and children one day, so… What was the hold up? Surely a guy like him could have had any woman he wanted. I got dressed, focused on the topic like a laser, sighing. It was really none of my business, I supposed.
It was a rash decision that I would leave that night instead of the next morning, and I was regretting it, but I felt like I should get back. I had left so hastily the prior week after getting fired, that my condo was a complete disaster inside. If I could get it nice and clean, my clothes washed and dishes done, I could start the new year with peace and better intentions. On that note, I pulled out my devotional book and Bible.
After being immersed in the text for nearly half an hour, my stomach growled. I felt so much better after getting connected with God at the start of my day. Next, it was time to connect with pancakes and syrup.
The dining room had all but cleared out by the time I arrived. Only a few stragglers were still eating. I couldn’t see who the groups of people were in the booths that lined both walls, so I beelined it for the front booth. That way, I wouldn’t have to walk past anyone.
Once I devoured my plate of pancakes and slurped down an extra-strong coffee, I got up and gathered my hat and gloves. I was on my last ski outfit of the trip, wearing a pink zip up pullover under my bright red jacket. The colors had worked so well with Tara when she looked like a walking Valentine, so I decided to try it myself. That, and I really needed to do some laundry.
As soon as I turned around, Theo was standing in front of me. “Oh, hello,” I said quietly, almost under my breath and walked around him. He stayed in place, stoic, but ended up finding me a few minutes later in the gear room. I was at the gear counter, asking for a ski boot a size larger when he interjected.
“Why would you get a bigger boot?” He looked at me with confusion .
Why was it any of his business what I did or wore? “Because my feet
felt pinched; not that it makes any difference to you, Theo.”
He nodded, and the social cues implied he should walk away, but he
stayed.
“Can I help you with something, man?” The guy at the counter directed his question to Theo, helping me out because it was awkward with him standing there.
“No, I’m good. Thanks.”
I felt my eyes get big. I’d never heard him say “thanks” to anyone. He just wasn’t one for platitudes, was all.
“Claire, could I talk to you?”
I held my breath. What could he want? Did he want to apologize for emotionally cheating on me with Tara? Or ask me if I could pretend to be his fake girlfriend to make her jealous? This was Theo after all, so I was sure I would be surprised, regardless.
“I don’t think so, Theo. There’s nothing to say.” I kept my eyes on the guy behind the counter, as he quickly adjusted my bindings to pair with the slightly larger boot.
“Alright. If you change your mind, I’ll be outside. ”
I almost let out a joke, asking, “Is that a threat,” but I didn’t want to extend the conversation. I very recently had hoped that he would have proposed to me, but after meeting Blake, I learned what a connection felt like, so I wanted nothing short of that.
Once I made it outside, I felt relief that Theo was not waiting for me. Instead, I saw Tara watching a group of teens do the “French Fries” position. I was heading towards the lift, knowing I was too late for the first lesson to jump in when she called my name.
“Claire! Wait a minute, please.” She motioned for the other instructor who had been standing there to keep an eye on the teens, and she expertly glided over to me. “Can we talk for a minute?” Her eyes looked bright, and there was a sense of urgency in her voice.
“Okay, sure. What’s up?”
“I just wanted to let you know that I broke up with Theo. And there’s something I want to tell you: I swear I didn’t know that you and he were still dating when he and I met. If I had known anything of the like, I wouldn’t have pursued anything with that guy.” She looked like she had tears in her eyes as she spoke to me. “Please forgive me, Claire. I am not that type of woman.” A tear fell from her cheek.
I leaned in and hugged her. “I know you didn’t know. He played both of us, and there’s nothing to forgive.”
The relief on her face was instant as she let out a breath and released her shoulders. “That is so good to hear, Claire. Thank you. Anyway, it’s good that it’s all out in the open, so we never waste our time on a guy like that again. Not that you need to worry about that. You’ve found yourself such a hunk with that Blake guy!”
I couldn’t keep the ruse any longer. I had to come clean. “He’s not really my boyfriend. Once I came here and saw that Theo was here, I needed a quick solution to save face. And then after I found out that he’d been cheating on me…”
Tara put her hand on my shoulder and shook her head.
“I kind of had a freakout. Blake proposed the idea to be my fake boyfriend for the week. That’s all it is. The relationship isn’t real whatsoever.” Shrugging my shoulders, I saw Tara’s gaze avert from my own, looking just past me .
“Are you sure about that?” She smiled, giving me a quick hug, and went back to her lesson. I slowly turned around to see Blake. He wasn’t wearing ski clothes, but instead, a pea coat over a wool weather, and a scarf hanging around his neck. He walked over to me and held out a hot drink, as he had two in his hands.
“Blake? What are you doing?” I had more questions than answers. Was he not skiing today? Was this our final goodbye? Had I left behind a shoe at his parents’ home last night?
“I was hoping we could catch up for a few minutes if you had them to spare?” He looked over at the chair lift. The line looked a mile long.
“Yes, I guess I do. That will take forever.” I opened the lid on the drink and looked inside. It was a towering hot chocolate with hundreds of marshmallows, just how I liked it.
“Great. First, I just want to address a few things that may have been misconstrued. Starting with what my mom told you. Yes, it is all true about my father not wanting to hand me the company until I get married.” His addressing this piece of information made me feel validated that yes, it was newsworthy and surprising. He continued, “That being said, I don’t want the company.”
What? My jaw went completely slack. “Why not? It’s one of the most powerful corporations in America. You’d literally own snow.”
He shook his head. “It’s not who I am. And believe me, I’ve tried to be that guy. I’ve done everything I could to be that guy. But I just can’t. It’s not where my priorities lie.”
My reaction was mostly visceral.
“It’s not that I can’t do the job; I am capable. It goes deeper than that. It’s not even about me; it’s about my father. He has this huge legacy that I feel I’ll be compared to for the rest of my life, and it’s crippling. Comparison really is the thief of joy, like they say. I want to forge my own path, find my own thing. That’s why I’ve held back from dating for so long; why I haven’t found a wife, because I knew he would hand it over to me the moment I did. Meanwhile, I’m still trying to figure it all out.”
Things were starting to make sense. And boy, did I relate to his feelings. Though we came from two different walks of life, we had the same experiences through different lenses. I could see that God put Blake in my life just when I needed him. I was learning so much from that man.
“There are two other things I want to tell you, and I’ll get out of your hair. First, my father made a call to Patricia after you left last night, and he got a copy of the plan you made for the outdoor space for the airport. He loved it, especially the cigar bar, given his personal preference for the indulgence.”
Blake smiled for the first time in our conversation as my heart leapt at where this was leading.
“Apparently, Patricia has been on thin ice for a while since getting wrapped up in some funny business. She thought the design could save her standing, so she was planning on submitting it next week while taking the credit completely.”
I shook my head. It sounded like she’d been in a very desperate situation, one I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
“My father will be implementing the outdoor space to your design, and he’s personally sent you an email regarding a job offer for a new position. ”
Wow. I was floored but had a feeling why he would be showing me such kindness. “That’s wonderful, Blake. But he only did that because he thinks I’m your girlfriend.”
Blake’s smile faded. “Actually, no. I told them the truth last night, that we weren’t dating. They were disappointed in me, but it led to the first real conversation we’ve had in years about where I see my life taking me. Thanks to you, Claire, because for the first time in years, I feel like I have a real future on my own terms. Lord willing, of course. And I want you to know that my father wanted your design whether or not we were in a relationship. The design really is perfect, Claire. Nothing else will ever hold a candle.”
“Well, it’s safe to say I didn’t see this coming today. Thank you, Blake. You helped me out tremendously.” I looked over my shoulder, not wanting to leave the conversation, but feeling it come to a natural close. The line had dwindled down to just a few people. By the time I got there, it would be my turn to get on the lift. “I guess this is it. Take care of yourself, okay?” I leaned in and gave him a one-armed hug, holding my tall hot chocolate to the side so I wouldn’t spill it. I planned to drink it on the lift up .
“Claire?” “Yes, Blake?
“Since you don’t have to worry about the job search, that is, if the job proposal works for you, I was wondering if you’d consider staying one more night. It’s New Year’s Eve after all, and I was hoping you would be my date.”
“I don’t know, Blake. I don’t think the lodge is doing anything special tonight.”
“They are doing an early fireworks display at ten tonight, perfect for all of us who can’t stay awake until midnight.”
He smiled, his eyes sparkling. I couldn’t say no to that.
“If you decide to stay, meet me at nine by the fireplace. If you decide to go home, I understand. I hope to see you, Claire.” He turned and left, disappearing into the lodge.
*****
The relief of my job released the tension throughout my back that I didn’t even realize I’d been carrying that week. And Blake’s asking me out intrigued me. I could barely wipe the smile off of my face as I tried to gracefully glide over to the ski lift, but it was more of a flailing than anything. By the time I got there, no one was in line. Tucking my poles under the arm that held my hot chocolate, I reached out for the chair with the other. Lo and behold, Theo came tearing it up from behind, taking the seat beside me. Ugh.
“Really, Theo?” This was getting weird. “How can I help you?” I didn’t mean to sound as snarky as I did, but it didn’t faze him either way.
“I need to talk to you, Claire.”
I looked over his shoulder. He had to have been close to take this opportunity. Had he been watching me this whole time? Watching Blake and me, too? “Well, I’m stuck with you on this lift for at least five minutes, so go ahead.” I took a drink of my hot chocolate that was perfectly cooled off, so I took a few more, knowing I would have to drink it before we made it to the top.
“I wanted to know if… If I could have another chance?”
My eyes almost bugged out of my head. “No.” The firm rejection was all I could muster. I felt my body revolt at the thought. “You were talking to another woman while we were together. You dumped me the night before my big thirtieth birthday. You didn’t care that I didn’t want to break up. I spent Christmas alone. I didn’t hear from you for two weeks and… Now you want me back?” I left out the part where he made me feel terrible, because I didn’t want to go there.
“I know, and…”
The next words out of his mouth were so hard for him to say. I didn’t think he’d expected to be using the phrase at that moment, but the situation was spiraling out of control.
“I’m sorry, Claire...” His voice trailed off, and I couldn’t tell if he was apologizing or asking me if he should be sorry.
“Is that a question or an apology? Don’t answer that. It doesn’t matter, Theo.”
He smiled, and I didn’t know why.
“Great! So, can we start over? Truth is, I didn’t realize what I had walked away from until I saw you here this week. I think with a full season of ski lessons, every weekend at least, we could have you in a good place—if not this year, then next. What do you think? ”
I looked at him in horror before bursting into laughter. “No, Theo. I do not want to start over. I do not want to commit the rest of my life to something that I’m really experiencing now for the first time, only because I’m free to do so on my own terms. I do not want to be in a relationship with you. We weren’t really in love. You didn’t love me.”
Next, it was Theo who looked confused.
Suddenly, the ski lift came to a screeching halt, as a small alarm could be heard from the top. “Oh no. Did someone fall?” I wondered aloud.
“I hope not. It gets cold fast when we stay still.” He extended his arm like he was going to wrap it around me when I used the bar on my lap to scoot further away from him. After a moment of silence, he laughed. We were only halfway up the lift, completely stuck with one another when I prayed for Theo.
Lord, please give me the words to say to this person. He isn’t seeing things clearly, and I pray that I can get through to him and get through this .
“I forgive you.” The words flew out of my mouth before I could think about them, before I could even feel them out to see if it was true. But then I knew; I did forgive him. “And… I have moved on in life. And so have you, or at least, you did. You didn’t love me, Theo. You loved the idea of me, and I see now just how mutual that was. I did the same thing to you, and for that, I’m sorry.”
“Claire, I do love you. I am in love with you. Tara was just a skier who liked me and yes, I took it too far. I shouldn’t have entertained a friendship with her while we were together. But it’s you, Claire. It’s always been you.”
He was pleading with me, and three weeks ago, I would’ve cried happy tears for this very moment. This was the man I always wanted him to show. But it became clear: He just wanted what he couldn’t have. I thought of Blake; he never made me feel like I was inadequate. I thought back to Theo’s skiing lessons comment with dread. The chair lift was just moments away from the top if it would ever start going again. I turned and looked Theo in the eyes, holding his gaze. There was a sad person inside, and I didn’t know how that happened, but it was not my fault that he was that way. I’d shown him nothing but grace and kindness. The buck stopped there.
Before I could open my mouth and have a rebuttal, he put his head in his hands. “Have I ever told you what it was like to lose my parents at such a young age?”
The mix of surprise and cold made my face go numb. I shook my head, mumbling a reply.
“It was so brutal. The world felt empty. I’ve never experienced a loss like that since… until now.”
My eyes felt like they could bulge out of my head. Theo wasn’t one for the dramatics, so I was genuinely shocked he felt that way. Looking back, I didn’t know our relationship was strong enough to warrant feelings like that to begin with. “Theo, I am honored that you feel that way about me but…” As I trailed off, praying for the right words to say, he interjected.
“I made a colossal mistake, Claire. I didn’t know what I had until I left you. And I’m sorry for being such a jerk about the skiing thing. Honestly, just seeing you here on skis makes my heart full. I’ve never wanted anything more than this version of you, Claire. But I do hear what you’re saying, even though it’s hard, and if you tell me you never want to ski again, I can live with it. I can make that sacrifice, because being with you is better than skiing. We can get married tomorrow if you want. If you take me back, I will get down on one knee and make it official the second we get off this chair. Please consider it. I will do anything to make this right with you.”
The chair lift jolted somewhere in his plea, and we started creeping to the top once again while a few cheers were heard behind us. The man who I loved and wanted to marry was offering the chance. We were finally aligned in seeing the version of each other that we always wanted to be with. I could ski away from this lift as an engaged woman. I would be Mrs. Riley McCain with the perfect ski-jumper fiancé to impress my famous downhill skier dad. It was everything I ever wanted. And I meant, was.
The chair slowed, and I slid off onto the snow with him coming up behind me. “I can’t give you what you’re looking for. While I would have done anything to hear those words three weeks ago, this week here has shown me that while I was searching for a relationship that made me feel worthy, I found that kind of fulfillment only comes from Jesus. And learning how to ski—accomplishing something—I feel whole for the first time in my life. Happy… that I am enough. I see now that being with you was something I wanted to do because you made me feel better about my life, but I don’t need a relationship to feel whole. I hope you find what you’re looking for. But I want you to know, it’s going to start with forming a personal relationship with God.”
I stood there as I watched the man I had loved and was saying goodbye to silently listen to my words. I knew he was in pain; it was hard to feel the way he did, chasing perfection all the time within himself and others. No one would ever be able to match up to his standards. I reached my hands out to him, touching his arms. “No one can love you the way that God can. And it is with His love that you can learn to love others. Goodbye, Theo.”
I slid off, going twenty yards to the left, the top of where two runs met. I watched as he waited several seconds before he turned the other direction and went down a Double Black Diamond.
Lord, please let that seed bear fruit .
There I stood at a crossroads. I could have taken the easy route and may never have had to use my strength or ability. Nothing would have hurt my knees, and I wouldn’t have to worry about feeling embarrassed or sad because I likely wouldn’t fall or get hurt. If I took the hard route, I might have gotten hung up on steep terrain. Other skiers might have cut me off and scared me. It could have taken me three times longer to navigate and falling was almost inevitable. I could guarantee that my entire body would ache with pain from the exertion, and a show of strength and bravery would have been mandatory.
The easy Green run to the right was called “Pinyons Path.” It was smooth and groomed and led to my favorite parts of the resort, which I felt very comfortable on. The Blue run to the left was called “Keith’s Kicker,” and it lived up to that phrase. It was named after an infamous skier who frequented there in the 70s and who made that run himself when it was just an off-piste beater full of rocks and obstacles.
I closed my eyes. “God, I pray for less of me—my insecurities, fears and hangups. And I pray for more of You in my life. Your blessings, love, and guidance. You are the ski patroller of my life, Lord, and You’ll keep my paths straight.”
I tipped my skis down and went to the left. It was harder than I could have ever imagined. The downhill decline was frightening. If it didn’t say Blue level, I would have thought I’d completed the hardest run the resort had. It felt like hours that I was up there, and I wanted to give up. I wanted to unclip my skis and walk down with one in each hand. There would have been no shame in that, but I was out there to prove something to no one but myself, and to God, that I could trust Him for leading me there. I had been equipped with the lessons that taught me the skills to do that. It was time to remind the little girl inside of me that I could still chase dreams that seemed far-fetched. It was never too late to start.
My knees felt like they were going to break by the time I got to the end, as they’d been in the “Pizza” triangle formation nearly all the way down. I must’ve looked like I was riding an invisible horse with how wide my legs were, and my posture was that of a man from Notre Dame. But it didn’t matter; I made it down an extremely challenging ski run by myself. Not only did I stay upright the entire time, but I didn’t get near the trees, rocks, or other obstacles that may have sent me into a tailspin. At the bottom of the run, I turned to look back at what I’d accomplished. It looked impossibly steep, and in the shadow of the mountain, it was icy. A smile came creeping across my face, while the sharp shaving noises from the other skiers edging their way down felt like music to my ears. I felt complete. Thank you, Lord. I am a skier.