9. Dani #3
“Not just dating—he’s head over heels in love with her.” Gran beams at me.
“I don’t really think—”
“Well, good thing I went shopping.” Dad is proud. “Beans,” he says to me, “you should have seen the deal I got on condoms. Costco really does have it all, and compared to what you spend at the bodegas, this is a great deal.”
He hands me a heavy box the size of a small refrigerator. “Ribbed for her pleasure” is emblazoned in bright orange on the side.
“It’s a variety pack,” he’s telling me as I wonder what my chances of getting kidnapped off the street in broad daylight were.
“Dad...”
“Look at these, Beans.” My dad holds up a pair of socks. “They’re pink—your favorite color—and they have little Lulus on them. You can wear them to work. It’s cold out.”
“She’s not wearing those. What will Graham think?” Mom bats the socks out of his hands.
“He’ll think she likes to keep her feet warm.”
“You need to buy her some lingerie the next time you’re at Costco,” Gran tells him. “My friend Betty has some from there—said it was a good price and her new boyfriend can’t keep his hands off of her. He’s forty-two, can you believe? I need to get me a hot young boyfriend.”
Yeah, I definitely need to be rekidnapped. I don’t know why I was in such a hurry to leave.
“And I didn’t forget about you, Lulu—no, I didn’t!” Dad coos at the dog.
“Honey, these are a new type of dog treat,” he tells me. “I’m going to give Lulu one and see how she does. And you know, I was looking online and several people in my Facebook group recommended these little baggies to put your used feminine products in—they say dogs can’t get to them.”
“Dad, what did you post on Facebook?” I panic.
“Just on my Facebook group,” Dad assures me.
“Nope,” Piper says. “He posted it to his public page.”
“And the pièce de résistance…” Dad says with a flourish, and pulls out—
“Dad, no—”
“They will print posters for you and frame them,” he says happily, as he holds up the giant framed poster of Graham Richmond’s company headshot.
“Dani, I don’t see why you couldn’t get a nice photo of you and Graham at brunch. You have to get a nice photo on Tuesday for me. Make sure they get a photo, Piper.”
“No one wants their picture taken in a used garbage sack, Linda,” Gran states flatly.
“Mom!”
“Oh, look who’s here!” My mom rushes to hug my brother. “Look at my handsome baby.” She smooths Jeremy’s hair.
Yeah, it’s not just my mom’s codependency. Jeremy, annoyingly, was gifted with all the attractive genes. All of them. Very fit and athletic—played football in college. He didn’t even need braces.
That’s all he did, so of course my parents made sure he failed upward.
“Dad.” He lies down on the couch and yawns loudly. “Stone and Ty want to go to the Maldives next weekend.”
“Do you need money, sweetie?” Mom asks him as she hurries to put a plate of food together for him.
He leans back and flashes her a brilliant smile. “Well, I wasn’t going to ask…”
“Of course! Use the credit card. Guys your age should be out there having fun! It’s important to network,” Dad tells him, fishing for his wallet. He ruffles my brother’s thick, wavy chestnut hair.
“He might be the mailman’s kid with those looks,” Dad jokes, “but if he is, I’ll keep him anyway, because isn’t he just amazing?”
My parents gaze adoringly at my brother while he slurps down his pasta.
“Did you and Colette pick the paper you want for the place-setting cards?” I ask him.
Jeremy gives me a blank look. “The what the what?”
“I had the box mailed to your condo. We need a decision so that I can work on the calligraphy.”
“Colette’s the bride.”
“Yes, but these are for the rehearsal dinner, which is planned by the groom’s family.”
“Why do we even need place cards for breakfast?”
“It’s dinner!”
“Do you have any idea what’s going on?” Piper demands.
“Don’t forget you have the engagement party Colette’s company is throwing her on Tuesday,” Mom reminds Jeremy.
“I work there too…” I remind my mom. It’s hopeless though.
“Of course you do, but Colette is on the VP track. Jeremy cannot be late. He needs to be on his best behavior,” Mom orders. “Dani, make sure your little brother is there on time. We’re counting on you.”
“Maybe you can have Graham pick him up,” Dad suggests.
“She’s not asking her billionaire to pick up that boy. You spoil him. Make him take the subway,” Gran demands.
“The subway is dangerous!” my mom cries.
“Actually, I take it daily. Sometimes late at night…”
“Walking is good exercise, Dani.” Mom waves me away.
“I don’t want to take the subway,” Jeremy whines.
“Uber, town car, phone a friend,” Piper lists off.
“I’ll make sure he’s there on time.”
Unknown number: I can get you a more prestigious job if you accept the money.
Dani: I’m so glad I have your number. Now I can forward you the calendar invite.
Graham: If you want me to show up, you better wear something nice.
Graham: Don’t embarrass me.
I squeeze my phone.
Even if he shows up on Tuesday, there are a million wedding events. How am I going to fake a relationship with a man who I can’t stand and who clearly hates me?