15. Dani
DANI
“Ireally think we should just meet at a restaurant,” I tell Mom desperately.
She peers over her glasses at me. “Danielle Lockwood. We’re not going to make your boyfriend pay for a dinner that we’re inviting him to.”
“I can pay!”
“Men don’t like it when you pay.” She swats me with a towel. “This is your one chance at having a husband and family. Don’t ruin this for me. Bitsy’s daughter is a year younger than you, and she’s pregnant with her second.”
Mom pushes up her glasses then turns back to carefully peeling the leaves of a Belgian endive.
“T-minus one hour!” Dad calls as the front door slams.
“Do not tell Graham that you bought all this cheese at Costco,” Mom warns Dad as he unpacks his bag.
“Not only was it Costco, but this d’Affinois was on sale.” He beams.
“Give me that.” Mom grabs the cheese. “Honestly, Hank. I need you to take this seriously. We need everything to go perfectly for Dani. This is going to make or break her future.”
“It’s not Pride and Prejudice, Aunt Linda,” Piper tells her. She’s carefully cutting squares from a baking dish for potato pavé while Lulu begs for scraps. “Dani’s not going to be destitute if she doesn’t marry Graham.”
“I’ll never hear the end of it from the ladies at the DAR if your cousin ruins this relationship.”
“I think Graham’s actually pretty infatuated with her. Some might say pathologically obsessed.”
I shoot Piper a look.
Fortunately, Mom isn’t paying attention.
“Really.” Mom tsks to Dad as he blots the branzino and prepares to take the fish to the balcony to pan-fry it. “You’re going to leave them whole? I thought you were doing fillets.”
“We’re trying to impress the man. Nothing’s more impressive than a whole branzino.” Dad holds up a fish.
“Vivienne doesn’t like it when you serve her the whole face of an animal.”
“Colette’s mom is coming?” I gasp.
“Dani, don’t shout.”
“But why is she coming?”
“Because your brother is coming, and so is Colette, and Vivienne is family. Her husband is out of town on business—it’s the polite thing to do.”
“She’s just trying to spy on me.”
“Danielle, this dinner is already stressful enough for me. I need you to stop being so difficult. And, Hank, make sure you don’t put any spice on that fish. Vivienne does not like spicy food.”
“We’re going to eat bland fish?” my dad complains.
“This is supposed to be a nice dinner.” Mom claps her hands. “Girls, you need to go evict that man that your grandmother has in there. He is not eating dinner with us. We do not have enough fish for him.”
“I evicted the last one,” Piper reminds me as she starts dredging the potatoes for frying.
I wipe my hands on my apron. Why I bothered wearing it, who knows, since I still have lemon-butter sauce spattered all over my sleeves.
Gran is in her bedroom. It’s the master, the same room she’s had since she moved in in the ’50s, and sure, she’s totally entitled to have the room that she paid for, but… it’s a good chunk of the footprint.
It’s dark in the room.
“Gran. Gran!” I hiss. “Mom says that Toni needs to leave.” I pull back the covers…
And am confronted with a naked man.
Toni screams. I scream. Gran comes out from the balcony, the landline phone cord trailing after her.
“It’s my granddaughter, Patsy—she’s having a come-apart.”
“You said I could stay for dinner,” Toni cries.
“We’re trying not to scare off Graham.”
“I was in this family first.” Toni pouts then screams when Gran chucks her slipper at him.
“Hell no, you weren’t. Don’t think I don’t know you’re trying to move in here. Trying to get tenant rights, my ass. Get the hell out! Yeah, Patsy,” she says into the receiver. “I’m kicking him out. I know, I know…”
“You think you can get this just anywhere?” Toni says.
I clap my hands over my eyes as he grabs his ding-dong.
“You’re walking away from the best dick you ever had.”
“It wasn’t the best of anything. It was mediocre. Now Dani knows what a real D looks like, don’t you, Dani? Yeah, Patsy, I’m trying to get her to send me a dick pic.”
“Well?” He turns to face me. “Am I bigger than your boyfriend?”
“Um… I… well…”
“Wait.” He starts pumping. “It’s because I’m not erect. Hold on.”
“Stop stalling.”
The door to the bedroom opens, and Mom screams. “Dani, what are you doing?”
“I’m not doing anything, Mom.”
“You! Get out before I call the police!” Mom yells at Toni.
Toni huffs out of the room.
Mom picks up a box of Kleenex by the door and throws it at me with honestly brutal accuracy for someone who only had half an orange for breakfast.
“What if Graham walked in and saw you staring at another man? Your eyes are for your future husband only. Honestly. When Graham dumps you, it’s going to be your own fault, then you’re going to have to live here with your father and me forever.”
“Oh, the horrors of having your child live with you.” Gran throws her hands up.
“Hank’s trust fund pays the property taxes and the HOA fees.” Mom glares at Gran. “We are not having conversations about money right now. Dani, go get dressed. Our guests will be here soon.”
“Look, girlie.” Gran grabs my arm. “Me and Piper, we’re cool. I made a good impression on your hunky billionaire. But your mom’s going to scare him away.” She pulls out a fistful of pills. “I stole these from Patsy. Look, Patsy, it’s an emergency, okay?”
Gran throws down the receiver on the bed. “They’ll fake a heart attack, and we can call the whole thing off.”
“Gran! You can’t fake a heart attack. Mom will kill me if this dinner doesn’t happen.”
“I don’t know why you’re wasting time on dinners. Graham is crazy about you. Tell him you want to elope so you can start having his babies. Cut out the middleman.”
People really will see what they want to see.
“None of that. You’re hot, you have nice tits when you package them well, you have a great ass, you’re not a gold digger—you’re a catch.
You’re my granddaughter, aren’t you?” She slaps my backside.
“Graham sees what I see. Now you need to stop being so down on yourself. Stand up straight. Shoulders back, tits out. Out, I said!”
Footsteps thunder down the hall.
“He’s here!” Piper screeches as she bursts into the room. “Graham is here!”
“Wait, how?”
She doubles over. “Did you give him the right time? God, why am I so out of shape?”
“I-I think so.” I rush down the hall—
“—Dani, you can’t go opening the door dressed like that—”
—and wrench the door open.
“You’re early.”
Graham’s standing there with flowers and a bottle of wine. He gives me a confused look. “If you’re early, you’re on time. If you’re on time, you’re late.”
“I’m not dressed. You have to leave.” I shut the door in his face.
“Dani!” my mom cries and pinches my arm. “What did I say about being a good, happy hostess?”
She flings the door open. “Graham!” My mother greets him. “So good to finally meet you.” There’s an emphasis on finally.
She pulls him inside.
“These are for you.” He holds out the wine and the flowers. It’s a floral arrangement that would put a wedding bouquet to shame.
“Oh, how lovely. Such a gentleman! You didn’t have to do that, but I love flowers.” Mom presses her face into the bouquet of cream-and-peach flowers.
“We are running a little behind…”
“We’re not. I had everything timed. He’s early,” I complain.
“And what a gentleman for being early.”
“Well, your father is still butchering that fish. Honestly, a whole fish! Vivienne would be talking about that for years.”
“I can help you with dinner,” Graham offers.
“No, no.” Mom shoos him to the living room. “You’re our guest. Go sit in the living room with Dani.”
“I need to finish the asparagus.”
“I will do it. Go sit with your boyfriend.” Mom gives me the look.
Dad is cursing in the kitchen. While this is a good-sized condo, especially for Manhattan, it’s not a palace. Graham is in the living room, and he’s overhearing all of the goings-on in the kitchen.
“I’m pretty good with a knife,” Graham says earnestly.
“Go entertain him, Dani.”
“I’m not dressed, Mom.”
“Just go!” She shoves the plate of endives into my arms.
I clear my throat as I enter the living room.
I have never, ever, ever in the history of ever gotten anywhere close to inviting a boy home to meet my parents. And certainly not a man.
Graham is sucking all the oxygen out of the room even though all he’s doing is standing there, politely looking at the Renoir above the fireplace.
I try to dredge up the Hallmark movies I’ve seen. What did the girls in those movies do when the hunky-but-struggling single father slash Christmas-tree farmer slash artisanal-popcorn-ball factory owner met the girls’ parents?
I’m drawing a blank.
There’s a big crash from the kitchen.
“Damn fish. Where is my other knife?”
I grimace. “Drink? I need a drink.” I ineffectually hack at the wine bottle he brought while Lulu greets Graham like a long-lost son.
“I’m not great at opening wine bottles. I can never get the screw to go in.”
Then Graham’s next to me, taking the bottle.
“How’s work?” he asks as he works the cork in. “Any of the Svenssons giving you trouble?” The steely-eyed look says they’d better not be.
I’m reading into it. He doesn’t care.
“I don’t really interact with them much. I’m just an analyst.”
“You’re the only ones who do anything around there.” He hands me a glass of wine.
I gulp it down.
“Though I don’t know how you have the time, considering your work crush.”
“My what?” I squawk.
“We’re not actually dating,” he whispers. “You can have a work crush. I just want to know who it is.”
“That feels manipulative. You’re not going to kidnap and murder them, are you? Er—wait,” I remember.
He raises an eyebrow.
I stuff two endive leaves in my mouth. “These endive bites are pretty good,” I tell him.
Graham takes the plate from me right as I’m reaching for another one. He picks a leaf off the plate and hands it to me.
Our fingers brush.
I didn’t sleep well on the threadbare rug that will never be replaced—Because it’s an antique, Dani—and so now I’m really reading into things.
“I need to go change.”
“You look fine to me.” He shrugs.