33. Dani
DANI
“This dick pic has to be shared with the people,” Gran rails as I try and fail to sneak into the apartment unnoticed.
“You never said that about any of the dick pics that I sent you,” a young man—emphasis on young—cries.
“I mean, you’re not exactly ejaculating hundred-dollar bills,” Piper reminds him.
“You have to delete those photos,” I warn.
“Who cares about the money? Look at that!” Gran has a printout of the photo I took of Graham. You can just see the tips of my fingers in it.
Ugh.
“You have to burn that! Forget I ever sent it!” I try to grab the printout.
“Look at it. Oh my God. Jesus in Heaven, it’s beautiful.” Gran shoves the photo at her boy toy. “You’re not anywhere near this big. This is—what? A foot long?”
They all stare at me.
“I don’t know how long it was. I mean, it felt long.”
“Dani, you need to go back there with a tape measure.” Gran goes to the junk drawer and starts pawing around for one.
“Gran, you can’t just send this out to people. Piper, why did you send this to her?”
“You sent it while she was doing my eyebrows!” Piper cries. “What was I supposed to do? Mess up my eyebrows to save Graham’s dignity?”
“We need to share this with the people.” Gran raises the photo. “This is the shit that causes a feminist awakening. You have an obligation to help your fellow woman throw off the shackles of the patriarchy.”
“Do we really want to be encouraging men to send unsolicited dick pics, though?” I say desperately.
“Damn right we do, if they look like this. Hot guys only.”
“I don’t think Graham wants that floating around. Actually, he definitely doesn’t…”
Gran’s taping it up over the fireplace when the front door opens. I hear voices, then Mom screams when she sees the photo.
“Oh my God, Dani, what is that!”
“Oh my word.” Vivienne puts a hand to her chest as my mom tries to shove Gran out of the way to rip the photo down.
“Your daughter finally has a boyfriend”—Gran slaps Mom with a couch pillow—“and you’re trying to discourage it? Get your priorities in order, woman.”
“Is that where you ran off to? Don’t you know that we have the couples shower for your brother and your best friend?” Mom swats me with the wedding magazine she’s carrying.
“At least he likes her, Linda.” My dad smirks as he heads to the kitchen. “Bought you more condoms, Beans.” Dad winks at me.
“Condoms? Funny. Colette was telling me at brunch the other day that she thinks you’re trying to baby trap him.
” Vivienne smiles at me, and Mom’s face freezes.
“I wouldn’t blame you—this is the first man who’s shown even mild interest in you, and the only one who probably ever will, for whatever reason.
So go ahead and lock that down, I say. More power to you. ”
Yeah. Colette learned at the feet of the mean-girl master.
Vivienne studies the photo like it’s fine art.
“All I can say is he better marry you, Dani,” Mom fumes.
“I don’t know if their relationship is built on mutual trust. I think it’s just built on sex, Aunt Linda.”
“Stop saying that word in this house,” Mom hisses.
“If you said it more often, maybe she wouldn’t need to baby trap a billionaire to move out,” Gran rails.
“Oh, he wants you to move in, Dani? Interesting. Colette thought it might be more of a passing fling, that he might be bored. Good to know the man is serious. For now, of course. Such fickle creatures, men.” Vivienne give me a syrupy smile.
“He’s more interested in having her in his penthouse than you’ll ever know,” Piper shoots back. “He wants her there permanently. Has from day one. Right, Dani?”
I gulp.
Vivienne’s giving me an assessing look.
Mom tries to herd Vivienne back to the door. “I’m sorry, Vivienne, I don’t know what’s gotten into Dani. Now go get dressed, Dani. We need to be there to help with any final touches.”
“She’s finally got a man in her life,” Gran calls, “and you want her doing manual labor? She needs to do her nails.”
“Dani, you should wear that blue dress Colette bought you for your birthday,” Mom tells me.
“The one that makes her look like one of those overfed peacocks at the zoo?” Vivienne laughs. “Well, that’s so nice of you, Dani, not to upstage the bride. You’re such a good friend.”
“I cannot have Graham at this couples shower,” I hiss at Piper as Mom buzzes around the apartment. “I feel sick.”
“You’re probably dehydrated and hungry.”
“Do not let her eat, Piper,” Mom warns. “Vivienne hired Sloane Mercer to do the photos, and I know she’s going to try as hard as she can to take unattractive pictures of Dani.”
“Maybe I can just wear the slip dress?”
“No, it makes you look like a sack of potatoes.”
The blue dress is tossed on the couch next to Gran’s boy toy. He makes a face at the garment.
“You’re not even old enough to drink, so you don’t get to have an opinion. Now, come help with this shapewear.”
“I can send you right back to the McDonald’s I scrounged you from,” Gran warns him.
I grunt as the shapewear squeezes all my organs into places I didn’t even know they could fit.
“If you did your waist training, this would be easier,” Piper grunts, hiking up the spandex.
“I sit at my desk fifteen hours a day. I can’t wear a corset on top of that,” I wheeze as they try to stuff me in the bright-blue dress.
“Why can’t she wear the dress she wore at the charity ball, Aunt Linda?”
“It’s too bridal. No big, full skirts. We cannot have Vivienne thinking that you are trying to upstage her daughter.”
“She’s going to drive off Graham, what with wearing this dress, Linda,” Gran complains. “She looks like a used sex toy.”
Piper’s mouth drops at the blank look on my face.
“Nonsense. She looks cute.”
“Take it from a man—yes, you will.” The boy toy sniffs.
The doorbell gongs throughout the apartment.
“Coming!” my dad yells while I start to wonder if maybe I shouldn’t take Graham up on his offer to be whisked away from my family forever.
“Someone sent this for you, Beans.” Dad comes into the living room with flowers and a long white box with a big black bow on it.
“Flowers!” Mom trills, taking the big bouquet of pink roses. I know Mom’s already making a mental note to send Colette flowers on behalf of my brother. She’d probably have me fake his handwriting on the note.
“What’s in it?” Piper and I inspect the box.
“I hope it’s chocolate. I’m starving.”
“Let her have some cheese, Linda,” Dad begs her.
“No food! It’s hard enough as it is to get this dress on her.” Mom tugs at the shapewear, which is cutting off my circulation.
I open the card tucked into the bouquet. It just says:
Wear this.
I’m picking you up at 6.15.
I never should have let you leave.
-GR
“Damn, girl, what did you do to that man?” Piper whistles.
“It’s the power of pussy.” Gran snaps a picture.
“Give me that.” Mom snatches the card. “I’m adding it to your scrapbook.”
“Scrapbook?”
“Of your first relationship.”
“Costco has a scrapbook kit.” Dad kisses the top of my head.
“And Vivienne might be right even in her alcoholic state—empty bottle’s right twice a day and all that.
This might be the only relationship you ever have.
Your mom and I want to enjoy it.” He reaches for a rose.
“Yoink. I’ll take one of those too. Flower-pressing kit. ” Dad winks.
“Can I have the bow? I want to pin it on my dress like a bunny tail.” Gran wiggles her hips.
“You are not wearing a bunny tail to Vivienne Belmont’s daughter’s couples shower.” Mom argues with Gran while I gingerly lift the top off the box.
“Stop stalling. Open it,” Piper urges.
“What if it’s something horrible?” I whisper.
“Ooh, it’s beautiful!” Piper squeals.
Nestled in the white tissue paper is a black dress. Actually, the black dress from Bergdorf Goodman. The one with the delicate gold chains holding the back together, dripping with diamonds.
“Wow, Beans, this guy really likes you.” Dad whistles.
“Damn right he does.” Gran slaps my butt, which does not move in the shapewear. “He knows quality when he sees it.”
“Well, she can’t wear that.” Mom’s flustered. “It’s too low-cut. She needs shapewear.”
“I think you’ll look amazing in it, Dani.”
“I’m going to have to cut you out of this shapewear.” Piper sighs and shoves me toward the bathroom.
“She has to wear it,” Dad argues softly with Mom. “He bought it for her.”
“And she’s going to look hot as hell.”
“… sagging.”
“Mom’s right. I mean, he couldn’t have gotten the right size.” I fret as Piper peels me out of the shapewear in the bathroom.
I hold up the dress on its hanger. The diamonds sparkle in the light from the sconce over the mirror.
“Is this a joke? I mean, I saw what I looked like in the mirror in the department store and—”
“Nope, we’re not doing that.” Piper wags her finger at me. “You’re about to go into the lion’s den. You heard Vivienne today. There are going to be enough people at this party trying to tear you down without you offering a helping hand.”
Helping hand helps you first.
My face goes hot, remembering how my helping hand helped me in Graham’s office. He was sex-drunk and clearly didn’t really think I was pretty, right?
Even though he’s the hottest guy I’ve ever met. Out of my league doesn’t even begin to describe it.
Piper helps me step into the dress then shimmy it on.
There’s a little card hanging on one of the chains. It scrapes the skin on my back as I slide the dress on.
Put this dress on.
No panties.
I want to know your pussy is dripping and raw when you’re standing next to me sipping champagne.
“Dayum, girl. And you thought he didn’t like you. He’s obsessed with you.”
Piper waves the card at me. “I told you, you give a guy a pussy, he’s not going to care how big the body.”
“You’re right—I am a sex goddess. I am desirable.”
“You have a hair sprouting out of your chin. Hold on.”
“Who am I kidding? I can’t go out with no underwear.”
“I mean…” Piper gives me a knowing look.
“That time in the office was an accident.”
“Was it?”
“An unintentional lapse in judgment. Chill. It’s not like you can wear panties with this anyway.”