callum
NINE
THEN
School started, Sam’s summer job ended, and I wasn’t alone with Damien again. That was a good thing. Damien wasn’t mine, and it was dangerous to pretend, especially because I was pretty sure he was straight, and I was certain that I wasn’t.
Because it wasn’t just Damien who could turn my head.
Aiden from my English class played hockey and he had an amazing ass.
Not that I ogled him or anything. But I noticed.
And I noticed guys in the gym sometimes.
Older guys. Guys the same age. Guys of different builds from lanky swimmer types to teddy bear bodies.
Damien was my favorite, though. Out of everyone.
Maybe it was because he was the one to make me admit it to myself.
Maybe that made him special in some way because I couldn’t get him out of my head.
He haunted my dreams and my waking hours.
I was a year ahead of him and Sam, so I didn’t see him in my classes, but he was in the halls.
His laughter was a siren song. Sometimes he caught my gaze across a crowded room, and sometimes I could almost tell that he was purposely not looking at me.
I didn’t think much of it.
Damien was straight and my brother’s best friend. It wasn’t like I was out, anyway. Not to anyone. Not to my parents or my friends or to anyone at school. Not even anonymously online somewhere.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to come out; I wasn’t sure about that yet.
Or that I was too afraid… okay, fear had a lot to do with it.
Mostly I didn’t know how to do it. It wasn’t like I was close to many people.
Not even Sam. But I couldn’t imagine telling him about my recent sexual discovery.
If he knew I’d spent the summer drooling over his best friend, he’d kill me. Or worse.
I really wanted to tell Zeke, my best friend, but he’d been gone all summer. His parents split up a few years ago, so every summer he went to stay with his dad. He’d come back quieter this year. More introspective and I got the feeling that I wasn’t the only person who’d changed over the summer.
It was Saturday, and thankfully Sam and Damien were nowhere to be found.
Damien had shown up a while ago, and they’d taken off in the junker Sam bought with the money he saved over the summer.
Personally, you wouldn’t catch me dead in that car.
Especially with Sam behind the wheel, but Damien was obviously a risk-taker.
Zeke came over sometime after they left and we were doing that thing where we lay side by side on my bed, both scrolling our phones. We’d show each other funny memes from time to time, but it felt like both of us had a weight sitting on our chests. The room was full of untold secrets.
And then Zeke spoke. He was always a little braver than I was. Especially if I was anxious about something, he’d do it first just so I could see that I could do it too.
“So, um… this summer. I met a girl.” Zeke’s voice was quiet, and it shook a little.
I stopped looking at my phone and turned my head slightly so I could see him better. “Is she nice?”
The corner of Zeke’s mouth tipped up into a shy smile. There was a hint of something in his eyes, a hint of knowing, I thought. “She’s great.”
“Then I’m glad. You deserve someone nice.”
He sucked in a deep breath. “I asked her if I could tell you, and she said yes, but you can’t tell anyone else.”
“That you met a girl? Why would I? It’s no one’s business but yours.”
“No… uh, there’s more.” Zeke sat up and set his phone aside, and I did the same thing. He wiped his hands on his legs like he was sweaty and uncomfortable.
“Is she a serial killer or something?”
Zeke shook his head.
“Is she super old? Is she grooming you?”
He reached out and shoved me playfully. “Shut up. Oh, my God. You’re the worst.”
“You mean best.”
“I mean… she’s trans.”
I blinked once. Then twice. Zeke looked at me and froze. Was he even moving? Was he even breathing?
“That’s cool,” I said, meaning it.
Zeke exhaled. His obvious relief made his shoulders drop, and he slumped forward a little.
“As long as she’s nice and treats you right.”
Zeke’s smile changed then from tentative to blinding and bright. It was like telling me, and me accepting it, had let him feel the full force of his happiness and I got to see that change in him. That shift from awkward, nervous, secretive best friend to this happy, gleeful creature in front of me.
And I wanted that. I wanted that kind of freedom. Zeke’s courage always did inspire me.
“Can I tell you something?”
He let out another laugh. “Oh, my God, please. I’ve been dying to know what’s got you all twisted up, but I didn’t want to be intrusive.”
I opened my mouth. Then closed it again. Maybe Zeke could be brave and look someone in the face, but I wasn’t that courageous. I looked down at my hands, cradling my phone. I swiped the screen and looked at the time, tried to buy myself a few more seconds.
And then the truth came tumbling out. “I’m gay.”
There was no buildup, no stating my case, or making closing arguments. Just a two-word bombshell. For a couple seconds, nothing happened. Neither of us moved or breathed or even blinked.
Then Zeke laughed and launched himself at me. He wrapped his arms around me and drove me backward, tackling me in my own bed. “You dork. I love you.”
He was still laughing as he rolled off of me. “I mean, I sort of secretly wondered.”
“You did?” My voice cracked as fear shot through me. Did everyone wonder about me?
“Lauren practically invited you to come fuck her brains out, and you were just not taking the hints, man.”
“Lauren? Lauren Beaumont? When was this?”
“Only a million times, but most recently at the end of last year when we were all at that stupid party at Kory’s house.
She mentioned that her parents were going to be away a lot this summer and that she’d be alone often.
She looked at you like she wanted you to take her clothes off right there.
And you just blinked and said that you were looking forward to staying home too. And that was it.”
“I don’t even remember this conversation.”
“Because apparently you’re super gay so it probably didn’t register that she was flirting with you.”
“So not only am I gay, I’m gay and kind of stupid.”
Zeke laughed harder and gave me another playful shove. “Only a little stupid.”
“Thanks.”
We went quiet again, but it was a nice silence. The kind of silence that wasn’t oppressive or uncomfortable. The kind where two best friends just existed in the same space. Each of us breathing easier now that our truths were out of the way.
“What’s her name?” I asked.
“Ginny. She’s a year older than us, but she promised not to hold it against me.”
“Tell Ginny I said hi.”
“I will.”
Zeke went quiet again, but I knew it wouldn’t last. I knew he’d have questions.
“Where did you meet her?” I asked, curious about how they met, but I also wanted to keep him talking so maybe he’d forget to ask me the things that I could feel swirling around in his head.
“She works at a coffee shop down the street from my dad’s new apartment. She lives with like six other people, but she claims to love it. Says it’s better than living at home.” Zeke’s voice took on a dark quality and I didn’t have to ask about her home life to get why he sounded pissed.
I hadn’t told my parents because I hadn’t told anyone until now, not because I worried that they might kick me out. I figured that my family wouldn’t care, that they’d accept me no matter what. I mean, it’s what Mom had promised both Sam and me would happen.
“So… who’s the lucky guy?”
“Oh, there’s no one.” My hands curled into fists. It wasn’t a lie. Damien was straight, and not mine. He was Sam’s friend. Sam’s best friend. So even if he wasn’t straight, it would still be a colossally bad idea. Sam didn’t even like sharing a bathroom with me, let alone a whole-ass person.
“Hmmm, that sounds like a lie,” Zeke said, and I could feel his judgmental stare boring into the side of my head. “Let me rephrase that. Who was your gay awakening? Who was the person who woke up that little queen inside of you?”
Despite my determination to not react, I laughed.
“You’re ridiculous.”
“I think you mean fabulous.”
“Don’t be an ass.”
“I’ll stop when you tell me. I deserve to know. Best friend privileges and all that.”
The deep breath I took didn’t feel like it provided enough oxygen because I was suddenly dizzy. This was real. I was gay, and about to admit to my best friend about my first ever real live crush on another human being.
“Oh, God,” Zeke said, horror dripping into his voice. “It’s not me is it? I mean, I’m flattered, but you’re like my brother. And then there’s poor, sweet Ginny to think about.”
“For God’s sake, shut up. It’s not you, idiot.”
“Well, that’s a relief, but also, what the fuck? Why isn’t it me? I’m hot. I’m a total catch.”
Zeke’s antics broke the tension that had built up in my chest, and I managed to get my lungs working again. “It’s Damien.”
Zeke went still, then sat up again. “Damien!”
“Shhhh.”
He lowered his voice to a whisper. “Damien, as in…”
“Sam worked all summer mowing yards and shit for that landscaping company. He wanted Damien to work with him, but his hay fever was going to kill him. We have that new pool, so he just kind of hung out here.”
“I’m surprised your room doesn’t smell like a cum sock. All summer long with your shirtless crush. I’d have jerked myself to death by now.”
“You’re disgusting.” But he also wasn’t entirely wrong.
From the day that I’d admitted to myself that I was gay, and crushing hardcore on Damien, I’d freely jerked to thoughts of him.
Memories of us in the pool. Daydreams about what it would be like if Damien was even a little bit not straight.
A little curious. “Air fresheners and clean sheets do wonders for the overall atmosphere in a room. You should try it sometime.”
“You’re an asshole, and I suddenly don’t want to be on your bed anymore.”
“Don’t worry. I only jerk under the covers.”
“Well, that’s good to know. I feel so much better now, thanks.”
We went back to our phones. Back to stupid memes and dumb internet videos.
Back to being just a couple of best friends, now with shared secrets.
The room felt lighter. The world felt kinder.
And now that I knew I had at least one person on my side, I felt like I could maybe risk telling more people.
Eventually.
I wasn’t going to rush out and make a grand announcement to the world. I wasn’t sure what I wanted. Did I want to date? Did I want to find other gay kids to go hook up with? Did I want to download an app and see who was on there?
The app sounded like the safest bet, but with the way I was tangled up in Damien—and wasn’t out and unsure about coming out—it felt like I’d be getting in over my head.
Baby steps. For now, my best friend could know and I’d get used to that before I told anyone else.
I’d be starting college next year, and I promised myself to come out by then if I hadn’t already.
Right now, I wanted to make it through my senior year as drama-free as possible.
I wanted to make good grades and graduate and then maybe I’d be over my silly crush on Damien.