Damien
THIRTY-TWO
THEN
Sam had his arm draped over Roxy, and it looked like she was taking most of his weight.
Sam had been in a great mood all night, and it was nice to see.
He’d been a little weird lately and part of me wondered if maybe he’d found out about Callum and me.
To put him off our trail, I hadn’t put up a fight when he said Roxy was bringing her friend Candace to hang out with us at the party.
I’d put my arm around Candace and let her hang off of me all night but had been successful so far in avoiding being alone with her. Sam had dragged us to some kind of party I didn’t really want to be at and had to pretend to be interested in.
The truth was that Sam was my best friend, or at least he was supposed to be, but lately he wanted different things. He wanted to drink and party and get laid. And I wanted to stay home and fuck his brother.
But it went deeper than that. Something had shifted between Sam and me, and it wasn’t just the secret I’d been keeping from him.
The older Sam got, the angrier at everyone he seemed to get.
He was different now, and I had a hard time understanding why.
It was like over the summer when I hadn’t been able to take that job at the landscaping company with him, something had changed.
Sometimes I got the feeling that he didn’t even want me around.
But I was imagining things.
I had to be because we were at Ian Cosgrove’s party, and Sam was laughing and chatting with me like before.
Like nothing had changed between us. Maybe the distance between us had been a temporary thing.
Maybe I’d only been imagining it. Or worse, had I been the one creating it?
Had I wanted distance between us so I could make space for Callum?
Next to me, Canadace looked at me like maybe she’d said something that required a response from me and hadn’t gotten one yet. Oops.
“Sorry, I got lost in thought. What were you saying?”
At first, Candace wasn’t moved by my apology, so I pulled her a little closer and then her anger melted away.
Guilt was a knife in my gut because, before Callum, Candace would’ve been perfect for me.
I could see it. She was nice and fun and not hard to look at.
She was nice to people, unlike some of Sam’s exes.
But I needed something more than nice and fun. I needed Callum.
Since I fell for Callum, he was all I thought about.
Maybe the distance between Sam and me wasn’t entirely Sam’s fault.
Like I summoned him, Sam dropped down next to me and draped his arm around me. He was heavy and he smelled like a brewery, but he was in a good mood, even if he couldn’t sit up straight.
“We should go for a swim.”
Sam’s words were ice in my veins. He knew I couldn’t swim. Well, he knew I couldn’t swim before Callum taught me. But we never told anyone about the swimming lessons. They’d been our secret. I hadn’t told Sam and I knew Callum wouldn’t have.
“I can’t swim, dude. Remember?” It was a lie, but I didn’t care.
“Fuck,” Sam swore. “Forgot.”
He swayed forward and I had to grab on to him to stop him from face-planting.
“Maybe we should take you home.” I cut my gaze to Roxy and Candace. “Let’s pour him into the car, and I’ll drop you two off first. Roxy, can you get his keys?”
Sam leaned his weight on me—heavy bastard—as I stood and held him upright. Roxy fished around in his front pockets until she got his keys and then handed them to me.
Sam tried to protest, but he didn’t put up much of a fight as we dragged him to his car.
That was unusual for him, speaking to the amount of booze he’d clearly had to drink.
He was on the verge of unconsciousness as I strapped him into the front seat.
Roxy and Candace climbed into the back of Sam’s car.
Roxy was staying with Candace so I dropped them off first, thankfully avoiding having to walk Candace to her door for a goodnight kiss where she could’ve tried to get me to make plans to see her again.
I waited until they were safely inside the house before I put the car in gear and pulled away from the curb.
Sam stayed practically incoherent for the whole ride home.
He tried to talk a few times, but he was really fucking out of it.
It might have been kind of dumb, but I figured now would be a good time to have a conversation with him.
It wasn’t like he could talk back or argue with me.
“You’ve got me worried about you, buddy. You’re drinking a lot more lately. Partying is fun, but you’re doing it a lot.”
Sam’s head drooped forward, his chin pointed toward his chest.
“So maybe you can slow down. Or we can do other things together.”
He didn’t respond.
“Good talk.” I made a mental note to bring up Sam’s drinking with him when he wasn’t incoherent or unconscious.
The rest of the drive was spent with me making sure Sam was still breathing and by some miracle, when I pulled into his driveway and turned the car off, he stirred a little.
“Good, you’re up. You can help me get your drunk ass into bed.”
Sam looked at me and then tried to unbuckle his seat belt.
His lack of coordination might have been funny if I wasn’t so annoyed with him at the moment.
I loved Sam like a brother, but it still rankled that he’d asked me to go swimming with him.
Even drunk Sam should have remembered that I didn’t know how to swim.
He was only marginally helpful. He did manage to stay upright, and by the grace of God, I managed to get him upstairs and into his room. Sam collapsed face down on his bed, and I took his shoes off for him.
I rolled him on his side and put a bucket nearby. I went to the bathroom and grabbed a couple pain killers for him. I was on the way back from the kitchen, where I’d gotten a bottle of water for him, when Callum’s bedroom door swung open. He stood in the door frame, his form a soft silhouette.
He motioned for me to come closer, but I shook my head.
“One second.” I showed him the bottle of water and watched him nod. I tiptoed back into Sam’s room and set the water down on the nightstand. Then I waved my hand in front of his face and watched for any kind of reaction.
I even whispered his name a couple times, but he didn’t move.
His breathing was deep and even. I wouldn’t be long, I told myself.
But I had to see Callum. He knew that I was going to a party with Candace and he had to be pissed about it, but unless we wanted to come out, I had to keep up appearances.
I had to be the good friend. The straight friend.
The party buddy. I had to contort myself to fit into boxes that I didn’t belong in anymore.
For the first time, I wondered if it was worth it.
Sneaking around was hard and I hated having to pretend to be interested in someone else just to throw people off the scent of Callum and me.
I loved Callum so much my chest ached at the thought of not having him.
I didn’t know how to give him up or even if I could.
But what was the alternative? Coming out?
I knew my parents wouldn’t care because they didn’t care about anything to do with me.
Callum’s parents were literally the greatest people on the planet, and I couldn’t see them being awful about it.
But then there was Sam. Angry, territorial Sam.
There was no way he’d be okay with Callum and me.
There was no way forward. No way back. Callum and I were stuck in this purgatory that I didn’t know how to get us out of.
I crept out of Sam’s room and into Callum’s. As quietly as I could, I shut his door, then leaned against it. Callum was right there, slotting his body against mine in the dark. He pulled me to him, held my face in his palm, and angled his mouth to meet mine.
The whole night had been shit, right up to the moment when his lips brushed against mine and then suddenly everything was okay. How could I keep doing this? He had to hate me for doing stupid shit like letting Sam drag me to parties I didn’t want to be at with girls I wasn’t interested in.
And yet, he was here waiting for me, kissing me with a tenderness that stopped my heart.
How could I keep lying to everyone so I could steal moments like this?
“What’s wrong?” Callum asked. “You’re shaking.”
“I—” All the things I wanted to say got stuck in my throat.
I loved him more than life. I wanted to run away with him, but I still had to finish high school.
We needed a plan. We needed to find a way to get Sam on board.
We had to tell him before he found out. But none of those words would come out.
Because I was terrified that it wouldn’t work.
That Sam would be mad no matter what. “I missed you tonight.”
I missed him every night. Every day. It was agony to be so close to him all the time and yet to have to pretend that he was nothing to me.
That he was no one. Being in the same room as him when other people were around was impossible.
I couldn’t even look at him without fearing that everyone would see right through me.
“I missed you too.” Callum pulled me away from the door, walking backward toward his bed. His hand slid under my shirt, his skin hot on mine. He tugged me toward the bed, pulling me with him when he fell back onto it.
“We shouldn’t,” I whispered without really meaning it.
Sam was out cold. His parents, if they had noticed me hauling their drunk son home and hadn’t come up to say anything about it, weren’t about to be a problem now.
Callum kissed the column of my throat. His hands worked their way under my shirt and he spread his legs wide, so I could fit between them.
Fuck my life, I hated that I was so scared of Sam finding out.
It made me feel like the worst kind of person.
Like a shit friend, a shit boyfriend, a shit person all around.
I didn’t care if everyone knew I was bisexual.
They could hate me or not, it was no skin off my ass.
But I didn’t know what I’d do if Sam hated me.
If Callum hated me.
And I couldn’t decide which one felt worse.
“Damien.” Callum’s breath ghosted against my ear when he spoke. He brushed his lips against my cheeks. My heart raced, and I thought I might die if I didn’t kiss him. And he sounded like he might suffer the same fate. “Damien, please.”
Before I could think or respond or even blink, light flooded the room and my head whipped around to see Sam standing in the doorway, a look of disgust and betrayal on his face.
“The fuck is this?”
What struck me in that moment wasn’t that we’d been caught. It wasn’t that I still hadn’t had the presence of mind to let go of or get off of Callum. It was that Sam, whom I’d dragged up the stairs, looked stone cold sober.
Oh.
Fuck.