The Art of Letting Go (Art of Love #1)

1. Without Her

Chapter one

Without Her

Paul

From the moment I met Maggie Roth, I knew she would break my heart.

Problem was that my heart longed for her since that first day we’d met, and it still did.

I’d fallen for her silliness and sweetness.

For her wild reckless side and when she was quiet after a chiding from her daddy.

And for that glint in her eye before she pushed me into the pond.

My heart beat along with hers and always would.

It was a week after high school graduation, a week since she’d left for Chicago, and I was miserable.

“You’re thinking about her again, aren’t you, Paul?”

My youngest brother, Rob bounded up close enough to poke me in the ribs.

“No,” I lied, swatting him away.

He snickered. “Sure, you are. You always get that sappy look on your face when you’re thinking about Maggie.”

His sing-song voice irritated me so much that I threw an arm around his neck and rubbed my knuckles on the top of his head hard enough that he struggled. It didn’t last long because he was strong and almost a head taller than me now, even at thirteen.

He yanked away from me, trying to fix his long, floppy hair. “I miss her, too, you know.”

“You don’t know shit, Rob,” I grumped.

He huffed. “Do too. You’re just too damn stubborn to admit it.”

This time, he had sense enough to take off running.

Thing was, I didn’t remember a time that Maggie didn’t distract me.

I thought about that girl from sunup to sundown since we’d met in second grade.

We were two halves of a whole. So, when she left Buena Vista, especially the way she did, her absence left me in shambles.

“She’ll be back someday, right?” Rob hollered from a safe distance.

Rural Illinois wasn’t the place for Maggie.

When we’d been kids, her eyes sparkled as she talked about going to Chicago with her parents.

She’d visit her aunt and uncle there over the summer for a week at a time and see a show, go to an art museum, and enjoy sightseeing.

Her face lit up talking about Navy Pier and the big shiny bean.

So, in knowing she’d go when I’d have to stay on the farm, I’d kept her at arm’s length. She was meant to be more than a farmer’s girlfriend, so I wouldn’t even let myself kiss her.

If I’d let myself have a taste of her, I knew I could never let her go.

And I had to. She had things to do in life. And I wouldn’t be the one to hold her back.

Once a college with an amazing art program in Chicago accepted her, she lit up like fireworks on the Fourth of July.

She was meant for great things, I just knew it.

Someday, her photographs would be hanging on walls of art galleries around the world.

She’d live in a fancy apartment and eat at five-star restaurants where the menu spoke another language.

Even though I knew it was coming and savored every last moment of graduation we had together, I wasn’t prepared for life to pull her away from me. How can you ever be ready to lose half of your heart?

Since Rob liked her so much, I answered him with a shrug and a white lie. “Maybe she will come back someday.”

But I knew the truth. The way we’d left things, she wouldn’t ever want to see or hear from me again. The moments we had right before she left were etched in my mind:

Maggie came rushing up to me in a panic after graduation, pulling me aside by the tall maple tree in the square. “Paul! We have to talk.”

I followed her, catching her arm when she stumbled. “What is it, Mags?”

“I’m leaving tomorrow.”

The devastation in her eyes matched what must have been in mine.

I swallowed hard. “I know.”

The wind whipped her hair into her face, so I brushed it back, cupping the back of her head to hold it there.

“Here, I wanted to give you this,” I said, reaching into my unzipped graduation gown to give her the bouquet of lavender I’d put into my waistband. “I wanted to wait until after the ceremony. It’s not much, but I knew you’d like them.”

She smelled the flowers, smiling. “Thank you. They’re perfect.” With a determined look, she clutched my hands. “Come with me.”

Staring at her, I forgot to breathe.

Gripping the backs of my arms, she held onto me for dear life. “Pack up and come with me to Chicago. Leave the farm. Pick me.”

“Mags,” I said on an exhale as I averted my eyes, knowing I couldn’t do as she asked.

“Paul, please,” she said so desperately that my eyes slid back to her. Tears welled as she bit her lower lip. “I always chose you. You had to know why.”

I stood stock still, trying to process what she meant.

“Margaret,” her father called as he approached us from a distance.

“Well, don’t you?” she asked impatiently as she glanced quickly over her shoulder.

My hand released hers at the sight of her father’s scowl.

The wind picked up again, blowing her hair into her face again.

While she tamed the long locks, I tried to think about what I should do.

I knew all the reasons why I had to say no, but for a second, I didn’t want to be practical.

For a beautiful moment, I wanted to hear the words she wasn’t saying, to agree to go with her, but I couldn’t.

I wasn’t sure how I managed it, but I finally muttered, “No, why?”

Her eyes lingered on my mouth as she reached out and took my hands. “Come to Chicago with me so I can make it perfectly clear to you. We’ll find our way together, Paul, and then, we’ll never have to come back.”

My heart sank. My feet belonged in Buena Vista on Dad’s land and in the fields.

I had no marketable skills and no money.

I had nothing to offer her or her uncle to let me stay with him.

There was no way to take her out and show her a good time.

No way to be the man she needed. The only place I could show her a good time was right here, the last place on Earth she wanted to be.

“Can’t.” I practically choked on the word.

“Throw away your dad’s expectations, Paul. Do what you want. Be who you want to be. Don’t you want to be with me?”

My heart longed for just that, but Dad always said I was only meant for farming. I couldn’t do anything with that in Chicago. With the way my grades had been in school, I didn’t have any options. I had to stay here.

“Margaret?” her father called again, closer this time.

“That’s not the point,” I said, unable to find the right words to explain it with her daddy getting so close.

Stumbling back with a few wounded steps, her glare scorched me. “I guess that’s it, then. Live and die here?”

I dug my toe into the grass. “It’s not like that.”

Sure, I wanted to be with her, but I would only hold her back.

Crossing her arms, Maggie scrutinized me.

“We’ve been friends too long for you to lie to me.

You’ve accepted your fate, just like you always said you would, right?

Oldest son of a farmer, to inherit the land and be tied to it.

Well, you had a chance to change your fate.

It doesn't have to be like this. I’m sure as hell not staying here a second longer than I have to.

I'm going to Chicago to find a better way to live.”

“Will you write?” I asked, clinging to the thought that I’d at least hear from her.

She dropped her arms and turned. Over her shoulder she hollered to me. “Well, I sure as hell know your address since we both know it’ll never change.” Throwing my flowers aside, she glared at me one last time. “But what would be the point? We were never the friends I thought we were.”

My heart squeezed thinking back to the look on her face that afternoon just before she stomped away from me.

I missed her so damn much. Sometimes, I hated that I was the oldest son of a farmer, expected to work my family’s farm, but I was no city boy.

My life was here in Buena Vista, population eight hundred sixty-four.

Whether I liked it or not, I was tied to the land and the people here.

No matter how I looked at it, there was nothing I could have done differently. Pressing at the ever-present ache in my chest, it was time to accept that all I had left of the girl I loved were a few drawings and a cloud of dust. I’d survive without her, but my world would never be the same.