3. The Decision
Chapter three
The Decision
Paul
Another ball of paper flew across the kitchen, bouncing off the rim of the trash bin and falling into a heap of other balled up papers. The fresh piece of blank paper mocked me. There were so many things I should have said. So many things I wished I’d done.
I missed Maggie so damn much, but I had absolutely no idea what to say to her after all these years.
Dad’s booming voice caught my attention. “What’s all this?” He bent over and picked up one of the balls of paper. “Paul, these papers are blank. What the Sam Hill are you doing?”
I tossed the pen down to the table with a clatter. “Nothing. It’s no use.”
What could I possibly say to her now? Sorry I didn’t kiss you when I had the chance?
Sorry I didn’t go with you to Chicago? Maybe I was, but wasn’t it the right thing to do on both fronts?
Telling her that wouldn’t help. Besides, she’d probably moved on by now.
Maggie with someone else made my hands turn into white-knuckled fists.
The wrinkles on Dad’s face deepened. “What’s no use?”
“Nothing,” I said, snatching the paper from his hands.
With a huff, I gathered up all the rest from the floor.
Tossing them in the burn pile, I grabbed my cap and headed back out into the oppressive heat and humidity of the Midwest in July.
Where heat distorted the horizon, making it look rippled in the distance.
Where you instantly felt a sheen of sweat coat your entire body the minute you stepped outside.
Where you could barely breathe through the heat that stuck in the back of your throat.
But you had to wear long sleeves, pants, and boots to avoid a bad injury, so Dad always said. Well, bad injuries happened anyway. The clothing choice must have been someone’s idea of a bad joke.
I coughed to clear the thick air settling in my throat.
It was no use, so I set myself on a task so physical I couldn’t think.
Fixing fence. I’d have to pull out some posts that came loose, dig a new hole, hammer in a new post, and hook the wire fencing onto the new pole.
Pulling my gloves from my back pocket, I looked out toward the horizon.
Nothing but bright sun, bugs, and more chores as far as the eye could see.
Grass to be mowed. Crops to be tended. Animals to be corralled for the night.
All I saw was sweat and work in front of me.
Swiping my hand over my soaked brow, I leaned forward, resting my palms on my thighs. It was killing me not knowing if Maggie was okay. Rob helped me set up an account on social media a few months ago so I could check on her, but all I could see was when she was attending a gallery opening.
I needed to see her again. To know that things turned out the way she’d planned. It ate at me wondering whether the big city was all she’d hoped it would be or if it turned against her.
Dad meant well, trying to talk to me, I supposed, but how could I explain to him that I needed to see Maggie?
He didn’t believe in love or all that nonsense.
Not even with Mom. He’d lost his partner in life, the mother of his four children, but as soon as Mom was buried, Dad replaced her with a housekeeper.
The day after she died, he was already putting one foot in front of the other.
How the hell did he do it without feeling a crushing weight on his chest?
How did he get out of bed in the morning when gravity was so cruel to those fighting to survive without their other half?
Since it didn’t seem to bother him, there was no way I’d talk to him about Maggie.
As the heat swirled around me, emotions caught in my chest. Needing to swallow them down as I always did, I had to focus on something else.
So, I pulled on my work gloves before wiggling the damaged fence post. After a few kicks and tugs, I yanked it free.
Tossing it down, I pulled a new one from the pile.
With every heave of the tool to tamp down the post, though, my chest tightened.
Eventually, I couldn’t take it, abandoning the fence post driver to stagger back a few steps.
My hand pressed to my chest, trying to dull the ache to no avail.
Tugging off my work gloves, I threw them to the ground, sucking in air.
A gentle breeze hit me from behind, knocking me to one knee. Squinting up to the sky, I wondered what was happening. Probably not heat stroke. Hadn’t been out that long. There was only one thing that could bring a man to his knees, my granddaddy always said, and that was a woman.
I couldn’t go on like this; I had to find a way to go to Chicago to see Maggie.
Recently, I’d done enough online research about her to know she worked for a marketing agency in downtown Chicago.
I didn’t know how or when, but I had to go and catch a glimpse of her.
I’d stand out in the pouring rain if that’s what it took just to see her face. Just to know she was happy.
Once I saw her and could see that she was finally leading the life she’d always wanted, I’d walk away for good and leave her in peace.
Now, I had to find an excuse to go to Chicago to justify the trip.
With my mind resolved, I stood strong, determined to finish the work I had for the afternoon with the singular focus on how to convince Dad that something farm-related was happening in Chicago. I’d look for a farm conference there or something.
When I came in for dinner, I stayed quiet.
Sawyer kept his eyes on Leena, our new cook since last month when our housekeeper retired.
Leena was nice and all, but quiet and reserved.
The absolute opposite of Maggie in every way.
Apparently, her shy nature appealed to Sawyer, though.
It wasn’t until she served the meal and left that he finally drew breath.
Melting into a chair, he supported his chin with his fists. “Isn’t she dreamy?”
Dad huffed.
Josh snorted.
Rob made kissy noises at him.
I kept quiet. He could crush on her all he wanted. I wouldn’t chide him for it.
After dinner, I had about an hour before evening chores, so I grabbed my phone and went out to the porch to sit on the railing.
With a few searches on farm bureau websites, I found a reason to be in Chicago this weekend.
There was a farm expo on the future of farming.
Nothing Dad would be interested in going to himself since he was getting on in age and despised technology, but something he believed in and would understand why I wanted to attend.
Surely, my three brothers could help Dad keep the farm going without me for a couple days.
Knowing I needed to broach the subject carefully, I wandered back inside as I helped Dad with the dinner dishes. This old farmhouse never had room for a dishwasher, meaning we’d always do it by hand.
“So, when you think of the future of the farm, what types of new tech do you think they’ll come out with?”
Dad sighed, pacing a clean plate in the drying rack. “Hell if I know. Be nice if they could find some equipment that didn’t break all the damn time. That’d be swell.”
Taking the dish towel from Sawyer, I took over drying and putting plates away. With a goofy grin like he was about to call Leena, Sawyer ran out to the front porch.
“I’ve been thinking about it lately, the future of farming, and found a conference about it this weekend in Chicago,” I said, pausing to let Dad process it. “Thought maybe it’d be a good idea for me to go and learn about what’s to come.”
“Need a weekend off, son?” he asked, never looking up from the dishes.
I shrugged. “I want to be prepared. New things are coming on the market. I don’t want to miss out on tech that would benefit the farm.”
Crops had already been sprayed recently, fence was fixed, and animals were as healthy as they ever were. Everything else was the usual maintenance.
“Okay,” he replied, glancing over at me. “Your brothers can help me out this weekend.”
“I’ll leave on Friday morning to see if I can avoid the weekend traffic into the city,” I said, straining to keep my voice steady despite the adrenaline coursing in my veins.
Dad grunted, not excited about it, but I didn’t ever ask for anything. It was hard for him to deny me when I did, especially when I had my own money.
I’d had everything planned since Tuesday, so the days crawled by until Friday.
With my own credit card, I’d booked a hotel close to the expo that also happened to be across from Maggie’s office building.
I found where she was living far too easily for my taste, too.
Her apartment looked nice, I noticed as I checked out the apartment building online.
It wasn’t creepy when I was making sure she was safe, right?
When Friday came, I was up and showered early. I just had to make a stop to get gas and I’d be on my way. Heading for my pickup truck, I turned when Josh’s voice caught my attention. He was the oldest of my brothers, so I stopped when he jogged toward me.
With a tug on my arm, he pulled me into a hug and slapped my back a few times.
“Tell her hi for me,” he said with a sly grin as he pulled away.
I tossed him a glare, but didn’t say anything. Denying it would just be a lie. I was pretty sure he wouldn’t say anything. Since I protected more than one of his secrets, I was hoping he’d respect mine.
“Button it, keep an eye on Rob, and behave yourself,” I warned.
He laughed while he feigned zipping his lips.
In town, I picked up some road snacks and filled my tank. Moving quickly, I rushed to get on the road. With a four-hour drive ahead of me, I turned up the radio and enjoyed the wide-open spaces filled with corn and beans.
Traffic was fine until I got within an hour of Chicago where it snarled and ground to a halt. I thought I’d avoided rush hour, but with all the road construction, that wasn’t possible. Every hour was rush hour in the big city.
After creep-crawling for two hours, I finally made it to my downtown hotel parking garage. With only a duffel bag, I checked in, asking for a room on the street facing Kent Designs since it was the place where Maggie worked. Nervous energy stirred under my skin as I took the elevator up to my room.
Whether I was clever or a first-rate stalker, I opened the door to find her building right across the street.
It was almost suppertime, but I remembered to check social media to see if Maggie had anything going on tonight.
While there was nothing earlier, tonight she’d marked her interest in an art gallery event on the north side.
It was starting in a few hours, so I just might have to check it out, too.