42. Double Heartbreak
Chapter forty-two
Double Heartbreak
Maggie
As my tears slowed, Paul handed me a tissue. While I dabbed at my eyes, I was about to apologize when Paul shook his head.
“I’m here to support you,” he said softly. “Don’t care if my shirt gets wet. It’ll dry.”
Leaning back down on his shoulder, I held him close as he pressed a soft kiss to my temple.
The hospice nurse had called for the arrangements to move Mom to the funeral home. I didn’t think I could stomach being here for that part.
“Father has some things to do here, so I should go. Would you just sit with me at the park?” I asked Paul.
He nodded, keeping hold of my hand all the way to the truck. By the time he got into his side, he’d told me he was good to stay with me the rest of the day.
“What about chores?” I asked.
“Dad understands,” he said, pulling out and heading for the park. “He sends his condolences.”
We were quiet for a while as he drove. The soft country music in the background was ever present, but never overbearing. It was mostly the older country music, which was Paul’s favorite.
“So, what are your brothers up to these days?” I asked, trying to make conversation.
I had no idea what you said after your mom died. The only thing I could think of was to focus on the living.
“Rob’s finishing up school for graphic design. He’s really good at it,” Paul said.
“Yeah, those banners for the festival were beautifully done,” I said.
“Sawyer’s spending time a lot of time with Leena at her family’s farm. He’s trying to impress her daddy, I think. Her, too, by showing he can be useful.”
Glancing over at Paul, I tilted my head. “They’re that serious? He’s younger than us by a few years.”
He spun the wheel with one hand to turn into the park. “Yeah, he’s a couple years younger, but when you know, you know.”
The comment seemed almost flippant if I didn’t know better.
Did that mean Paul didn’t know about me?
If he had, surely he would have said something by now.
Especially today. When I just watched Mom die, I needed to know how he felt about me.
Whether we were going to find a way to be together now, but there was just nothing from him.
Other than holding my hand sometimes, he was always throwing friendship in my face as a smoke shield to keep us apart.
I stared out the window as I prompted him about Josh.
“He’s working the farm helping Dad and doing odd jobs for people.
From what he told me, he doesn’t have any designs on any particular girl right now.
Guess we’ll have to see if that changes,” he said.
“With Josh, he could have a different girl every night and be happy. No one has kept his attention for long.”
Watching the tall trees of the park sway in the breeze, I let go of Paul’s hand. “I’m sure he’ll find his way, too. Life has a way of making you grow up eventually.”
Once he parked his truck, we strolled to our favorite park bench under the shade of a large maple tree.
The tree could easily have been a hundred years old or more.
It had been here in this spot larger than life since I was a girl.
Seeing it now as it shaded us from the harsh sun, I felt the bite of nostalgia.
I found myself rather attached to a lot of things in this town.
When I left this time, I wasn’t sure it wouldn’t break my heart a little.
“Do you believe in heaven?” I asked, wondering what he thought about those sorts of things.
He bit his lower lip. I knew he didn’t, but I still wondered what he’d say.
“If there was such a place, your mom would definitely be there,” he said.
For a moment, I wanted to feel his arms around me. Backing up into his chest, I needed the comfort more than I cared about it being boiling hot. I needed the closeness; I wondered if he did, too.
Mom talked about her father picking her out a husband, then following through with what was expected of her. Her voice echoed in my head until I had to ask.
My voice was barely a whisper. “Her whole life, she was told what to do, how to act, and did what was expected. Do you think Mom was ever truly happy?”
He kissed my hair. “She was happy when you were happy.”
Holding me securely, he seemed comfortable despite the heat. A couple walked by, looking at us. I felt Paul tip his chin to them but didn’t release me.
What was this? What were we?
After I was sure they’d gone by, I sat up to follow the people as they continued on their walk. “Do you mind people seeing us together?”
He pushed some of my hair back so he could see my face. “Why would I mind?”
I lifted a shoulder. “You don’t usually want to be seen together.”
“We kissed at the festival yesterday.”
His statement was true, but those kisses felt stolen. They were behind a squad car and tucked away.
I blew out a breath. “That was different. Unusual for you.”
Paul used his other hand to pull my chin to look at him.
“When you first got here, I was trying to save you from the gossip mill is all. I got nothing against people seeing us together now, though. I’ll kiss you in the square this afternoon in front of the whole town if you want to make us town official. ”
But it still wouldn’t tell anyone what we were. All he ever said was “friends.” A kiss in the square would only confuse everyone, including Father who was already upset with me over Paul.
Settling back into his chest, I declined. “No, thanks. I’m sure Father is already beside himself. No reason to add fuel to that fire.”
“Yeah, well, we had a man-to-man talk, so I think things are okay for now.”
Paul sounded so certain, but what had he said? What could he possibly have told Father to make them okay with each other when he hadn’t said anything to make me feel better?
I leaned back, knowing it was better not to look in his eyes anymore. My heart couldn’t keep taking the hits. “What did you tell him?”
He swallowed hard enough that I felt it. “That you’re a grown woman and can make your own decisions. I told him I was a gentleman and wouldn’t interfere with your choices, but no matter what, I was always your friend.”
Friend. That was it? After all we’d done this summer, after all I thought we were becoming to each other, I felt like a fool. He’d been using his body to help me through a hard time, not because he wanted to be more to me. It was all just friendly support.
The worst part was that I wasn’t ready to let go of him.
Even knowing that I’d been friend-zoned, I couldn’t walk away.
But I did fall silent. My chest was already tight from the heartache of losing Mom, twisted even tighter from losing what I hoped I had with Paul, too.
How could I have misread him so horribly?
Exhaustion hit so hard that I couldn’t move. I couldn’t continue this unrequited mess of a relationship with Paul. Pining over him was no way to live, so I soaked in his care today, knowing that it would soon be goodbye forever.