45. Mea Culpa Shoved Back In My Face
Chapter forty-five
Mea Culpa Shoved Back In My Face
Paul
With a bundle of lavender in one hand and her favorite doughnut in a bag in the other, I walked to the inn to apologize to Maggie for what I’d said.
I promised her and myself that I wouldn’t let my pride get in the way of our friendship and then I’d done just that in my jealousy.
When I reached her door, though, it was open.
“Mags?” I hollered as I stepped inside.
The place was empty of everything that reminded me of Maggie.
The soft white sweater that adorned the back of her chair since our date, the row of shoes she kept by the door, and even the vase of lavender she’d kept since our date.
However, George the stuffed pig I’d won for her sat on the table.
Who knew a damn pig would be all I had left of her this time?
I picked him up, my throat closing with every second that my brain saw what was going on here.
The cleaning lady came out of the bathroom. “Sir, can I help you?”
“Maggie Roth,” I rasped. “She was staying here. Where is she?”
Her face dropped. “I’m sorry, but she checked out early this morning.”
Without answering her, I dashed off toward my truck. I threw the lavender, the pig, and the bag to the bench seat as I raced across the square to Heavenly Scents. Maybe I could catch her before she left.
“Maggie? Suzie?” I called, not seeing anyone out the front.
When Suzie stood in the doorway, she narrowed her eyes. “It’s you, huh? Well, she’s gone.”
“Did you see her before she left? Where was she headed?” I asked frantically. “I need to go after her.”
Glancing down, Suzie leaned on the doorframe to the backroom, crossing her arms. “She stopped by, but I’m not telling you anything about her or where she’s going.”
“Why not?”
“Because you had your chance to win her over and you screwed it up!” she shouted, throwing up a hand as she advanced on me.
“She was right here for weeks. You could have told her how you feel, how you’ve always felt if we’re being honest, right?
But instead, you took advantage of her. I know you’re not one for pretty words, but there are three of ‘em you just wouldn’t say, no matter how true they were.
You two could’ve been happy, even in this time of grieving, but now she’s got more to grieve.
You and her mom. So, now she’s taking care of herself, and I won’t let you disturb her peace. ”
Her words made me stumble back a step. Take advantage of her? “Did she say those words to you?”
“She didn’t have to,” she said. “I have eyes, and I know my best friend. If you’d done right by her, told her about the farm being sold and how you truly, deep down feel for her, she’d still be here, maybe with a ring on her finger and happy tears for a change. But you blew it.”
What she said struck a huge blow. I stumbled backward at what she implied. Did Maggie want to be with me until that conversation after the funeral? Had I screwed things up so badly that she didn’t want me anymore?
Inside, my heart was dying. It was never my intention to make Maggie feel like I wasn’t truly there for her. I did everything in my power to do right by her, not pushing her for something she wasn’t ready for while she was grieving.
In a stupor, I staggered to my truck, which just sort of steered its way home. But after I shifted it into park, I couldn’t move. I couldn’t walk inside. I couldn’t even roll down a window.
I’d lost her again. Maggie was gone.
After sitting there in the stifling heat for some time, my brothers found me, pulling me out and carrying me inside the house. Someone put a cold rag on my neck. Someone else took off my boots and put ice packs on my feet. But I didn’t care about the heat. I didn’t care about anything.
“Paul? Talk to me,” Josh said, giving me a light slap on the cheek.
While I couldn’t really focus on him, I’d know that slap anywhere. He’d always use it to goad me into a fight when we were kids.
“No point,” I muttered.
My brothers stopped, exchanging looks.
“No,” Rob said mournfully.
Josh pulled out his phone, tapped in something, and closed his eyes for a second before stowing it in his back pocket. “Goddammit.”
“Son of a bitch,” Sawyer muttered.
“What is it?” Dad asked, coming into the kitchen. “Shit, Paul. What’s happened?”
“Just let me suffer. I deserve it,” I murmured, pushing up and stumbling to my room. “I fucked up, and now she’s gone forever.”
Dad let me be the first day, but today, he stomped into my room.
“There’re chores to do. Get your ass up, son,” he demanded.
I mumbled, turning my back on him. There was no way I was getting up today, tough love or not.
“I said get the hell up,” Dad roared.
Thrashing to sit up in bed, I glared at him. “What the fuck for? She’s gone. There’s nothing left. Now, leave me to my misery!”
With a huff, I turned over again, tugging the covers up over my head. I couldn’t do anything without her. Nothing was worth it anymore.
“Paul, you’ll never believe this,” Rob said at my door.
I’d lost track of time. Without any clue what day it was or care about when I last showered, I rolled away from him. “Go away.”
He paused, but then came in and sat on the edge of my bed. “Take my head off if you want, but something’s happening on your socials. Look at these stats. Look at all this traffic. I’ve been posting your old videos to your new socials for you, and they’re taking off. Your numbers are incredible.”
“Really?” I asked, turning while rubbing my eyes. “How long have I been in bed?”
“Three days. Dad’s threatening to have you taken by ambulance to the hospital for fluids if you don’t get up and at least drink something.
But anyway, this is big. Look at this,” Rob said, turning his laptop.
“The most exciting part is your emails. I’ve been checking for you since you’ve been unavailable, and with this huge increasing in your following, you have offers from affiliates who want you to help them market their products.
You’ve got four different brands interested in you. ”
Interested in me?
“What for?” I asked, leaning up on one elbow as I squinted, trying to focus on the screen.
“Well, one of them is for fire retardant products after that fire video you made, and another is for heavy duty farm gear. There are a few others that are smaller, but they fit your brand, too.”
My brain was too fuzzy to understand this and light was too bright.
“Walk me through it like I’m five,” I said, flopping back with my arm over my eyes.
“So, they’d send you their products, you test them on a video, and then you review them. People watch, buy the stuff, and you’d get a cut of what they earn from sales of their products from your link,” Rob explained. “It’s a good long-term option for making money online.”
How was that possible? Who in the world would want me selling their gear?
I sighed. “They don’t want me. I don’t even farm anymore.”
“You have so many years of experience and access to a farm, though. Of course, they want you, Farmer Paul. You’re the loveable grumpy farmer that says things plainly.
You’re the hot farmer the women swoon when they see.
And think about what good you could do in the future, creating a foundation to help farmers in need. ”
Lifting my arm, I met his eyes. “Really?”
“Sure. You could do so much with your platform. Now, there’s a contract in the email. Once you sign it, they’re stuck with you for at least two years.”
“A contract?” I asked, perking up. “It’s real?”
“I had Dad’s attorney look it over. He said it’s legitimate,” Rob confirmed, then paused in a way that I could tell he wanted to say more.
I sat up again, leaning against the wall for support. “Just say it.”
“You’ve finally built a business, Paul,” he said, ticking off things on his fingers.
“You’ve made a brand for yourself, you have a successful blog, people are paying you for your advice and guides, and now you have affiliates knocking at your door.
Yeah, you had a setback with the hacking thing, which I know dinged your confidence, but you can do this, Paul.
And then, maybe, you can go win her back. ”
Pressing at my chest, the ache never dulled but something like hope began to bloom around it.
“Okay, so what do I have to do?” I asked.
“Well, the first thing is to find someone to guide you.” Rob cast his eyes around my room. “Where’s your stuff from the expo? Is it in here somewhere?”
I pointed to my lower desk drawer. “There, why?”
“You talked about a guy, Gene Turner. He’s a pretty big influencer in the farm world, going to expos and talking with people. I think you should send him an email and see if he’ll give you some guidance on how to really make a go of this,” Rob suggested. “The worst he could say is no, right?”
Tossing my blanket aside, I felt a renewed sense of purpose.
“But after a shower,” Rob said, cringing as I got closer to him. “And some food. Leena made you a plate. Could I get it for you?”
If I really could make this business work, then I’d no longer be tied to one location. Sure, I’d have obligations sometimes, maybe traveling to farm expos a few times a year, but I could work from Chicago.
Making this business work, being popular enough to be an influencer in the farm world, could be just the financial freedom I’d been needing. When my account was hacked, I thought all of that was over, but maybe I things were turning around.
Before Rob left, I caught his arm. “Do you really think I can do this?”
With a smile that reached his eyes, Rob nodded. “Yeah, I do.”
I gave his hair a ruffle, then got in the shower, ate my plate in record time, and emailed Gene Turner.
We set up a call for the next day, and he was a pretty down-to-earth guy, not one to gatekeep, and he offered to be my mentor.
I heartily accepted, so we planned to talk once a week to see how things were going and what new strategies to employ.
With the thought of making this business work, I was going to put everything into being the best damn affiliate marketer I could be.
It wouldn’t dull the ache of losing Maggie, nothing ever could, but with any luck, it’d give me the ability to earn a living on my own.
Doing something worthwhile for other farmers and earning a living might get me to a point where I could be free to be with Maggie wherever she went next.
While I wasn’t sure if I could dream of getting her back, this was the first step to trying.