Chapter 29
Aai came rushing to the door when I entered the apartment. She had changed out of her dressy saree into the simple cotton one she wore around the house.
“What happened?” she asked.
“Couldn’t tell him.” I slipped my heels off and kicked them against the wall. “He was so happy. It would’ve ruined his day.”
“You’re my good child. I don’t know if I’ve ever said it, but I’m very proud of you.”
“Don’t be,” I said brusquely. “Nothing I’m doing right now is worth being proud of.”
“Don’t say that, my rani.”
Just then, my phone dinged. Are you back? Sona texted.
Yes,I replied and started toward my room. “I’m going to take a shower,” I said to Aai.
Back in my room, the small carry-on I had brought along lay open on the floor, the paintings arranged on my work desk.
“What’s all this?” I said to Aai, pointing to the paintings on display.
“I was checking to see if you had any laundry, and I found these. Did you paint them after you saw Sameer?”
“Yes, why?”
She looked at the paintings, then at me. “I think you made the right decision with Sameer.”
“What are you saying?” I cried with weary exasperation. For the past few weeks, my life had felt like a random series of bizarre, disconnected events that I couldn’t make sense of if I tried. And this was the epitome. “Last night, you were sure Sujit was the right man for me. Today he shows how much he cares, and suddenly you flip sides? What changed, Aai?”
“I saw these paintings,” she said, as if it made perfect sense.
“What does that have to do with anything? And how do you know so much about art, anyway?
“I don’t,” she replied. “I don’t know art, Tara. I know you. I know how you feel about Sameer. He makes you happy, but he also lights a fire in you. You want that. You need that. It’s in your nature. You cannot go through life with someone who doesn’t ignite that passion, that hunger, in you. You’ll never be happy without it.”
I slumped on the edge of my bed.
“You got all this from looking at my paintings?”
“No,” she said in her soft voice. “I got it from watching you at the party today. You looked like me when I was younger. Stifled, unsure, unable to breathe. I don’t want that for you. You’re confident and fierce when you’re with Sameer. Look at these colors.” She pointed to my art. “That’s the Tara I raised.”
“There’s more to the story, Aai,” I said before breaking down into inconsolable tears.
She came around to sit on the bed with me and took me in her arms. I sobbed on her shoulder, then in her lap like I did when I was little. She stroked my hair and wiped away the tears running down my face.
“I need to tell you something,” I said, and sipped the water she had fetched. She led me out, away from the mass of paintings scattered in the room.
When we settled on the couch in the living room, I kept my eyes lowered. “I’m afraid you won’t love me the same way after you hear what I’m about to tell you,” I said, and tears trickled down my face again.
She stroked my back.
“I was involved, physically, with Sameer in college. I thought I was in love. Then suddenly, he was gone.” She continued her gentle patting, but I couldn’t bring myself to look up at her. “Except he wasn’t really out of my life. A week after he left, I discovered I was pregnant.” This time, I felt her hand leave my back. “It was the most difficult time of my life. I couldn’t figure out why he had left, and I couldn’t get in touch with him. Amar was also in Delhi, and when I texted him, he said I should ask Sameer. I wanted him to know, but there was no way to do that. Lost and distraught, I came home that weekend.”
Aai looked at me, but I kept my gaze on my knees. “The weekend that Baba had his heart attack, I was there to tell you both about it and seek your guidance. But before I could, Baba fell, and my first thought was that if I had told him, it would have surely killed him! I would have killed my father because of my selfishness.”
Aai’s hand returned to my back as I sobbed. “So I went back to Baroda and waited for Amar. When he returned two weeks later, he emptied out Sameer’s apartment. ‘He doesn’t want to ruin your life,’ Amar said when I asked about Sameer. So, I broke down and told him. He wanted to talk to Sameer, but I forbade it. If Sameer wasn’t taking my calls, I didn’t want Amar to be my conduit. I knew I wasn’t going to continue the pregnancy. Because I knew what you had done, Aai.” I finally looked up at her, and she returned a questioning frown.
“I know you sold your jewelry, your inheritance, to send me to college. I’ve always known. You and Baba went through so many hardships, and there was nothing that could stand in the way of my success. Then Dada quit his studies. I didn’t hesitate for a single moment about my decision. But Amar was my only support during that time. He stayed with me through everything like a true friend. It was the only time I accepted financial help from anyone. He accompanied me to the clinic and took care of me until I healed, both physically and emotionally.”
A fresh burst of tears erupted and continued for minutes. Aai kept caressing my back.
“I’m not upset, Tara,” Aai finally broke her silence. “I wouldn’t have wanted you to be a mother at twenty, and an unwed one at that,” she said with her old-school sensibilities, but I didn’t interrupt. “I’m sad because you had to go through it alone. You should’ve told me. I don’t know if I would’ve supported you in the right way, but I wouldn’t have let you go through it alone, my rani.” She put her hand on my head and pulled me onto her shoulder, her tears dripping onto me. She kissed my temple, and overwhelmed, I cried some more.
“You feared I would love you less, but I think you acted like a responsible adult. I wish you were sensible enough to avoid getting pregnant in the first place.”
“Like not having sex?” I whispered tentatively.
She shrugged. “Or using those things.” She meant contraceptives, but couldn’t bring herself to say it.
“We did, Aai,” I said awkwardly. “It was an accident.”
There was another awkward silence before I continued. “But Sujit has helped me so much with you. He just told me his attorney has found a way to extend your stay. How can I be ungrateful to him like this?”
“You can’t build a strong emotional bond on obligation, Tara, nor a lifetime’s worth of commitment,” Aai said softly, at the same time as the doorbell rang.
It was Sona. She entered with a restrained smile, saw my face, and rushed over. “Tara, are you alright?” she spoke in Marathi, as we always did around Aai.
“Yes,” I said. “But I still haven’t talked to Sujit.”
“Then what happened? Why are you crying?”
“She has been with Sameer, and feels guilty about cheating on Sujit,” Aai said.
“What?” I gaped at Aai.
“What?” Sona’s head snapped back to her.
“You think I don’t understand these things?” Aai asked with a haughty sniff.
“What’s she talking about?” Sona asked me in English.
“I slept with Sameer,” I whispered. “I don’t know how she knows.”
“I knows. And I speak English little bit,” Aai teased, forcing me to smile.
I gave Sona the CliffsNotes version while Aai made tea with cardamom, no ginger. Sona hated ginger in her tea. When we settled at the dining table with tea and cookies, Aai kept stealing concerned looks at me.
“Let it go, Rani,” she said finally, returning her empty teacup to the table.
“What?”
“This burden of obligation that is weighing you down—to me, to your Baba, to Aditya, to Amar, to Sujit. Yes, we made some things possible, but it’s your life. Live it according to your rules. Your dreams. I tried to give you the life that I wanted to live, yet you’re living the life I settled for. Release yourself. You’ve repaid us all with what you are, who you are.”
When I began to sob again, Aai put her arm around me. Sona put her cup down and took my hand in hers.
“There’s no reason for tears, Tara. I’m actually relieved that you, what’s that word you used, slept?”
Sona nodded.
“Yes, that you slept Sameer, because you chose it for yourself. You believed in your own happiness to break out of this cycle of obligations.”
The doorbell buzzed, and Aai walked to the door again. “It’s Sujit,” she said, looking through the peephole. I rushed to the bathroom to clean up the evidence of tears from my face, but one look in the mirror told me it was a lost cause. I heard his voice outside and decided to brave it, red eyes, swollen face, and all. He took a startled step back when he saw me.
He looked between the three of us. “What’s wrong, Tara?”
“You both talk,” Aai said in English. “Tell him, Rani,” she said to me in Marathi and placed a light pat on my arm.
“What?” Sujit asked.
“She’ll tell you,” Sona said to Sujit, then accompanied Aai to her room.
The door closed behind them.
“What happened, Tara?” Sujit stepped toward me, his face contorted with anxiety and concern.
“Sit.” I lowered myself to the couch while he hovered over the edge of an armchair facing me. “I need to tell you something important.”
“Why are you crying? Did I do something?”
“No, this has nothing to do with you.” Fresh tears coursed down my face as I took a shaky breath. “Do you remember Sameer? You met him at the opening night in Dallas.”
His frown ironed out instantly, and he released a knowing sigh. He removed his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose.
“Sameer is not just an old friend. He’s my ex. We reconnected over the past few weeks.”
Sujit stayed silent, waiting for me to continue.
“I want to give us—Sameer and me—another chance. But I don’t want you to think I’m being ungrateful. I owe you so much for helping me with Aai. If it wasn’t for you, I couldn’t have brought her over so quickly. I’m not worried about her being alone here anymore.”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“I’ll always be indebted to you.”
“Indebtedness is not a substitute for love.” Crisp and to the point. Classic Sujit.
“That’s what Aai said. I never meant to hurt you, Sujit.”
“Do you love me?”
I hung my head. “Why did you come back?” I asked instead, looking up at him.
He returned my look with some anger. “I wanted to make sure you were alright.” A brief pause. “You didn’t answer me. Do you love me?”
“Yes. If I didn’t, this wouldn’t be so difficult. I do love you, Sujit, but it’s different with Sameer, and I want that,” I answered unabashedly because he deserved my honesty. “You’re a warm, genuine man—”
“Is that why you’re doing this to me?” His caustic words hung between us in the guilt-ridden room, and silent tears began flowing down my face again.
He put on his glasses, stood up, and left, closing the door behind him with a sharp slam.
Sona helped Aai reheat leftovers from the previous night and coaxed me into eating. When she left, Aai made tea for my massive headache. We retired to the balcony, but I couldn’t smell the herbs or the lilies. The crickets had abandoned me too. Aai and I finished our tea in the silence of the suffocated night.
After she turned in, I called Sameer. He answered, but from the sounds of heavy traffic and incessant honking, he seemed to be outside.
“I told Sujit,” I said.
“Oh, my love, are you alright?”
“I will be,” I said, trying to hold back my tears. “Sameer, when are you coming back? I don’t want to spend another moment without you.”
“Soon, my jaan. Listen, I have to go, but I’ll call you tomorrow morning, I promise.” He hung up, and I sobbed until I passed out from fatigue.
The next morning, I looked like I had been in a boxing match. The headache persisted, and no amount of tea or Aai’s ointments helped. Finally, I took a prescription-strength painkiller with my tea while Aai made a quick semolina breakfast. Sameer called me as promised, and we talked for a bit about Sangita’s condition. Then I packed and got ready for my early evening flight.
“Aai, now that Sujit is no longer a part of my support system here, do you want to come to Dallas? It’s not a long time. We can go around the city a bit.”
“No,” she said. “It’s too much of an effort for me to pack for such a short visit.”
“But I’ll be worried all the time.”
“Sona is here. Don’t worry about me.”
“She liked Sujit,” I said to Aai.
“Yes, I like him too. But this is your life, not either of ours.”
I called Sujit to apologize, but as I had expected, he didn’t answer. Instead of leaving a voicemail, I sent him a text, asking for his forgiveness and telling him he didn’t need to check up on Aai anymore. I anticipated no response, and I got none.
After I packed and showered, we ate a light lunch. I didn’t want to eat at all, but Aai insisted. We had just finished when Sujit appeared at my door.
“Can I come in?” he asked as I stood dumbstruck. I nodded and moved aside to let him in.
“Hi Aai,” he said.
You don’t have to call her that anymore, I was tempted to tell him, but I think it was more a term of endearment than actually calling her Mom.
“Hello, beta,” Aai said with a warm smile. “You talk here.” She retreated to her room.
“I’m sorry, Sujit,” I began.
“No, I’m sorry for leaving abruptly.”
“You don’t have to apologize, and you have every right to be angry.”
“I’m not angry, Tara. Don’t you see?”
I mustered the courage to look into his eyes. “I’m not angry, I’m devastated,” he said, dropping onto the couch behind him. “I went home and spent the night thinking about what you had said. This morning, I was determined to come over and ask—what happens if it doesn’t work out with Sameer? Would you give us another chance?”
“Sujit—”
“Wait, I’m not done. But on the way here, I began reflecting on us. And I have a question for you.”
I nodded.
“Last evening, you said I could do no wrong. So, I want you to tell me one thing that you dislike about me.”
“What?”
“What do you dislike about me, Tara? What are my flaws?”
“Sujit…”
“That’s what I thought. You see me as infallible. That’s not love, it’s reverence. Notice my flaws, Tara. See me as impatient. Indecisive at times. Sometimes angry, sometimes timid. If you don’t see all that, that’s not love.”
“You can’t decide how I feel about you.”
“No, but I know what I want from the person I’d be with. I want her to see me as I am, with all that’s good inside me, and bad.”
Like I did with Sameer, I mused, looking out the glass door of the balcony.
“So, I’m reverting our status back to friends.”
“Unilaterally?”
He smiled with his sexy eyes and dimpled cheeks. “You dumped me last night. I guess that makes us even.” I had to smile. He was always ready with his sharp one-liners. “Come on, I’m also here to drive you to the airport like we planned.”
“Oh, you don’t have to do that.” I sat up in embarrassment. “I’ll take a cab.”
“No, you won’t. And don’t worry, you don’t need to feel indebted to me in any way, because it can’t be the basis for any relationship—whether love or friendship. I’m not that person, and you know it.”
“Thank you, Sujit, for everything. Everything you are, and everything you’ve done for us.”
I leaped into his arms and held him tight. He rested a gentle hand on my back, waiting patiently through my tears, while we brought closure to our relationship.