Chapter 37
THIRTY-SEVEN
brOOKS
“I still think you’re making a mistake by not leaving.”
“Maybe you’re right,” I say and sigh. “Maybe I shouldn’t be here. Maybe I should walk away.” I hold his stare. “But I’m not going to.”
He opens his mouth.
“And don’t say that I did before. I’m not going to rehash this shit but we both did what we thought was best and yes, it was the biggest fucking mistake of my life, but I’m not going to keep apologizing for it, keep fucking up my present, my future—”
“Good.”
Only, it’s not Pascal saying that.
It’s Briar.
Fuck, how much had she overheard?
“Raindrop,” I rasp.
She moves over to me, eyes sad, and my heart sinks. “I don’t know how much you heard—”
“I’m sorry,” she says.
I blink. “You have nothing to apologize for.”
She shakes her head. “You explained. I told you I understand—and I do. But I threw it back in your face, didn’t make it clear that I’m here too.
That I’m not going anywhere. So yeah,” she says.
“I do have to apologize. I’m sorry.” She cups my face in her hands.
“Because if it meant keeping you safe, I would have done anything, even if that meant breaking your heart, even if that meant you hated me.”
Movement catches my eye and I glance over her shoulder, see Pascal standing in the doorway.
He winks at me and then disappears—fucking disappears.
Or maybe it’s that I’m more worried about the woman in my arms.
“I won’t bring it up again, I promise,” she says.
“It’s going to take time for you to trust in me, in us,” I remind her. “I get that. But seriously, baby, you don’t need to apologize.”
She shakes her head, clearly not agreeing with me. “You’re right, you know. I never stopped loving you.”
“Briar.”
“And I know that we can’t go back,” she murmurs as I draw her close, inhaling the scent of her, feeling the softness of her body. “But I want to move forward together.” She nibbles at her bottom lip. “That is…if you still want that.”
My heart leaps.
Then immediately sinks.
“Why would you think I don’t want that?”
“I—” Her cheeks go pink. “Well, I mean, you haven’t exactly—”
“I haven’t…what?”
“You haven’t tried to…” Those cheeks go even pinker. “You know…”
“No”—I draw her closer—“I don’t know.”
That makes her scowl and swat me lightly on her chest. “Don’t tease.”
“I like teasing you,” I murmur, skating my hand down her spine. “And I think you like it when I tease you too.”
Her hands come back to my face and she cups my cheeks again, stares deeply into my eyes.
“What?” I ask.
“Tell me,” she orders.
I almost ask her what it is she wants me to say. But, deep down, I know. “I was trying to give you space.”
She smiles softly. “Pascal?”
“Yes.” I sigh. “And no.”
“You did need space, baby. And a place to be safe, plus time to not be strictly in survival mode. But I wasn’t going to leave you alone while that happened.”
Her eyes are damp as she whispers, “I know.”
“And I know that a couple of therapy appointments, some time with good people, and consistent meals can’t fix everything.”
“Don’t forget the kittens,” she adds lightly.
“Who’s the one teasing now?” I draw my finger down her nose, tap lightly.
“I was pushing. Pascal wasn’t right about me leaving, but he was right about that.
So, I figured I could give you space to settle and still be here.
Though…” I think of the smirk on my friend’s face, the wink he gave me before he left.
“What?”
“I wonder if he knew it would make me double down so I didn’t act like an idiot while we were figuring this shit out.”
She pauses, considers that. Then her lips curve. “I wouldn’t put it past him. He seems to consider all the angles while the rest of us are just struggling to keep up.”
I don’t disagree with her. But—
“What do you mean?”
“He knew I needed to forgive myself.” She exhales and I brace, knowing with one glimpse of her eyes that I’m not going to like what she says next. “For not being enough.”
I frown.
“My parents didn’t love me. My grandpa didn’t either. And then…”
She doesn’t finish.
But she doesn’t have to.
“Then I left,” I say, the truth tearing through me. “I didn’t love you enough.”
“Brooks, I didn’t mean—”
I settle my forehead on hers. “I know.”
“And I’m…” Her throat works. “Well, the truth is that I’m still working through all of that. I know logically it wasn’t really about me—”
“But that doesn’t mean the feelings have gone away either.
I get that. Hell, this stuff with the USB, the things my dad did in the past, and how it all might be connected to everything we’ve gone through—” I tuck her hair behind her ear.
“It’s not like I can just pack that all away and pretend it won’t come back up again, pretend it doesn’t fuck with my head. ”
“Exactly,” she whispers.
“Want to know the good thing?”
A nod.
“We have time. We don’t have to rush. We can just be us as we sort our heads and hearts out.”
She leans against me, arms around my waist, expression soft, eyes warm. “As long as we do it together.”
God, this woman undoes me.
So, I say the only thing I can,
“As you wish.”
I tug the covers over Briar, lean down and press my lips to her forehead.
She smells faintly of popcorn and the kittens have made a mess of her braid.
But she’s still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.
Hair turned silver in the moonlight, her face serene in a way that heals the jagged wound inside me.
We switched to watching a show that Chrissy recommended—one I only capitulated to because Briar seemed so excited to have something to discuss with the rest of the girls.
It’s a cheesy reality drama, but I can’t lie…there was a dash of romance that I enjoyed.
Damn woman.
Hooking me on something the guys will give me shit about.
But fuck, I’m looking forward to that.
TV shows and Jace giving me a hard time. Briar smiling as she curls up next to me…and never failing to fall asleep cuddled close, her head under my chin, her steady breaths on my throat.
Leaving the rest of the popcorn for me.
I really like that part.
Almost as much as I like the feel of her in my arms.
Grinning, I fuss with the blankets and straighten, knowing I need to let her sleep, but when I go to turn away, her hand finds mine.
“Stay?” she asks, lids half-mast, her eyes drowsy.
“As you wish.”
Who’s the cheesy one now?
But I can’t help it.
I love this woman to distraction.
Her lips curve and I climb under the blankets, slipping my arms around her, and for the first time in five years, I fall asleep knowing that everything is going to be okay.