Chapter 33
33
I f Sam had never left Tybee, Damon could’ve given her his address and she’d likely be able to find her way there without GPS. The island was small, roughly four miles long with just a little over three thousand people living there year-round. During the busy summer months, the population more than doubled with tourists flocking to the white sand beaches. But in hurricane season only locals remained.
Sam wasn’t a local anymore, though. Her sense of direction on the island was on par with that of any other tourist. So she relied on her phone to get her back to Damon’s. She’d known the route to his childhood home as if it were her own. And even though she’d driven or biked along these very same streets hundreds of times while growing up, traveling down them now left her with an uneasy sense of déjà vu; like she was experiencing someone else’s memories instead of her own.
When she parked her rental in his driveway, the uneasiness was replaced with relief. The feeling wasn’t dissimilar from the one she’d have when she used to slip her headphones on and zone out to music. Maybe, though, the common denominator there had always been Damon.
She tucked a mesh tote bag over her shoulder. Unlike the last time she’d come to Damon’s, this time she’d brought a toothbrush, change of clothes and various other essentials. And he must’ve heard her arrive, because he opened the door before she had to so much as knock.
“I can’t tell if you need a drink now or after you tell me what Bonnie did this time.” Damon held the door for her as she stepped past him and into the house, like she belonged there.
“She’s just making a big show of how much she’s changed, and claiming that Pearl kept her from coming back sooner.” Sam dropped the overstuffed bag onto the couch.
“She’s blaming Pearl now?” Damon shoved his hands into his pockets. “That’s a new low.”
“I know.” Sam cracked her neck to relieve some of the tension that had built up from her chat with her mom. “Are you sure it’s okay if I stay here again? You can say no. Jessie will love the excuse to have me sit and model for her.”
Damon didn’t hear her, though; his gaze was locked on the front pocket of her bag.
“You brought your old CD player?” Damon asked.
Sam had tucked her Lisa Frank notebook and the player into the front pocket, and the headphones dangled out. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust Bonnie and Pearl with these things, but she didn’t want to risk anyone snooping through the notes she’d taken.
“I’ve been listening to it since I came back, but it stopped working,” she said vaguely. She picked the player up and held it out for Damon to inspect. “Which is a real bummer.”
Damon reached for the player, and as his hand touched the screen, the same electric shock she’d experienced the first time he’d touched it happened again. Sam pulled her hand away, and he held on to the player.
“Looks like it’s working to me.” Damon held it and the screen lit up, just the way it used to.
Sam shook out her hand, then approached. The CD player was working, and it was queued to track thirteen—the last one. Her jaw went slack and her mouth gaped at the thing. Damon had somehow fixed what she couldn’t—a beer-slinging wizard—so all she had to do was put on the headphones, hit Play and...
“Should we listen to it?” Damon asked. “I don’t totally remember what I put on this. It’d be cool to hear.”
“No,” Sam said emphatically. She searched for something, anything, to get her out of a situation where she and Damon listened to a song and were both transported. Was that even possible? She didn’t know, but she wasn’t ready to test it.
Unable to find the words, she let her fingers trail up Damon’s forearm, then biceps, then toward his neck where she brought him in for a deep kiss. It was true that she was taking a page from Alt-Sam’s playbook by redirecting Damon to sex instead of the truth. And it worked, as he kissed her back and wrapped his strong hands around her waist. This was a man, not the boy she’d grown up with, and he led her toward his bedroom to remind her of that fact.
Damon gently snored next to Sam, but she hadn’t rested at all. She’d been waiting for the right moment to leave the room. She knew she could—and should—stay with him and just be. But she could also slip out of bed, so quietly Damon wouldn’t know, grab the CD player and hit Play. It would take three or four minutes tops, depending on the song, and then she’d have the ending to their story.
They were meant to be—Sam had seen that from the start of the playlist—and while they’d clearly hit a rough patch, she knew that Damon could get Alt-Sam through it.
Sam carefully placed one foot then the other on the floor, stood up and snuck out. In the living room she found the player exactly where Damon had dropped it on the couch. When she picked it up, the screen glowed back.
Hello, friend , she said to herself as she stroked the front.
When it came to self-awareness, she was deeply clued in to the fact that she was talking to an inanimate object. But she felt connected to Alt-Sam and Damon, and she was ready to see them again.
She sat on the couch and glanced out the floor-to-ceiling windows to see the world lit from the moon and stars. Gazing out at the infinite stretch of sky with all of its possibilities filled her with a kind of hope. She’d thought her path was clear, until she saw what could’ve been if only she’d made one different decision. Life was filled with constant small choices that charted an eventual destination. But maybe in seeing what she could’ve had, she’d get clarity on a potential way forward.
There was only one more song, so she hit Play.
The air was humid and heavy when Sam opened her eyes. Fat gray clouds overhead signaled that it had just rained. The sky threatened more, but Sam could almost smell it drifting away from where she was on the pier at the beach. The plank under Sam’s foot groaned as she took a step forward and looked around. A gull cawed, almost as if it could see her, and maybe it could, but Sam was focused.
Blink-182’s “Always” played in her headphones. The song was about persistence, and second chances, and trying to save a relationship, if only the other person would allow for that. This was the moment when Alt-Sam and Damon were going to find their way back to the good place—their second chance.
Alt-Sam’s elbows rested on the top of the pier’s railing as she peered into the water below, and Damon eyed her as if seeing her for the first time. The ocean churned as Sam walked toward them.
“What if you change your mind?” His voice had an edge. “Am I supposed to wait and see how this all turns out?”
Alt-Sam looked up at Damon through a newly trimmed bob of hair. And then she straightened to her full height so she was eye level with him. Something about this version of her had changed. She seemed more assured in that moment, maybe stronger. So much more familiar to Sam.
“I don’t expect anything from you. You owe me nothing.” Alt-Sam adjusted her glasses. A plane flew overhead, and she chanced a glance at it. “I just have to do this. If I don’t try then I’m going to regret that for the rest of my life.”
“And what about us?” Damon cracked his knuckles as he spoke. “You’re going to regret losing this.”
“Yes.” Alt-Sam’s lower lip trembled, and she bit it to stop herself. “But if I keep going the way I am, I’ll just disappear. There will be no us. Do you understand what I’m saying? I physically cannot keep pretending that I’m okay when I’m not. That’s not fair to you or me.”
“I just don’t get why we can’t figure this out together.” He reached for her hand, and she let him take it.
Alt-Sam hesitated, then said, “We’ve been tied to each other for so long that I don’t know who I am without you. But being with you has meant that I’ve slowly begun to vanish. It’s not your fault, Damon. I know this is on me. But if I have any hope of figuring out what I actually want, then I need to try to do that. I need time to understand why I feel so broken all the time.”
And then Damon began to cry. His body shook and his head fell into his hands, and Alt-Sam wrapped him up tightly in her arms, as a tear rolled down her cheek. “I love you,” she told him. “I will always love you. I’ll never stop loving you. I’m so sorry. I just can’t keep drowning like this.”
“Drowning?” Damon pulled back from her. “You think I’m drowning you?” He was hurt, as his expression darkened into one of disbelief.
“Of course you’re not drowning me. I just feel completely over my head with—”
“With what? Having all your bills paid for? Having a free place to live? With me forgiving you even after you...” And then his expression tightened as he took another step back from Alt-Sam. And Alt-Sam looked down, as if weighing her options, trying to carefully choose her words.
Sam wanted so desperately to have the right answer to fix everything. Wasn’t this supposed to end happily for them both? She wanted to make the situation better, but she didn’t totally know what Alt-Sam was feeling; much like Damon, she was a little in the dark. Sam had felt the urge to leave Tybee, her house, her life, but to feel like she was drowning? She’d never hit that kind of rock bottom. So she knew that whatever Alt-Sam was going through had to be bad. Bad enough to force her to leave Damon so that she could survive.
And then Sam remembered Bonnie. Drowning . Wasn’t that a word she’d used to describe how she’d felt when she was stuck in Tybee? Alt-Sam was depressed, just as her mom had been, and she was desperately trying to dig her way out of it before it was too late. She had to leave. There was no way she could stay.
Sam swallowed down the realization that a part of her now empathized with Bonnie, something she never imagined possible.
“I cheated because I needed to feel something. I know that’s shitty to say, but I’ve been so numb for a long time. Ever since the miscarriage happened, I was just...desperate for something to change.” Alt-Sam sniffled.
“Flight school is never going to happen for me because of the...” Alt-Sam pointed to her eyes. “But I can still travel as a flight attendant, and that’s where I’m supposed to be right now. Deciding to go has been the first decision I’ve made that feels really right. I don’t want to hurt you. I never have. And maybe that’s the problem. Because I’ve ignored this part of myself so I could be with you. So we could be together. But in doing that I’m just...lost now. I feel totally gone. So I’m doing this—I have to do this. If I don’t, then I really don’t know what will happen. It scares me to think about it.”
And suddenly, it all made sense to Sam—the thing she couldn’t quite put her finger on but sensed. While she’d seen Damon making her other self happy, there had also been tenser moments—when Alt-Sam had her miscarriage, the surgery didn’t take and she’d cheated on him. She hadn’t been in some coupled-up cocoon of bliss; she’d been missing something. She’d missed the thing that Sam had left Tybee to go and find all those years ago: herself.
Her need to explore was the thing that had and always would keep them apart. Sam wasn’t able to just stay in one place. She had to see the world. The heavy stone that had settled in Sam’s gut since she’d watched Alt-Sam begin to deteriorate slowly lifted. She saw the whole picture; no matter what she did, her place was in the sky.
“You know I’m not great at expressing myself,” Alt-Sam said as she dug her hands into her pockets. She pulled out a folded piece of paper from one of them and handed it to Damon. “I wrote it all here. I feel like this song says everything I can’t, because I’m terrible at talking about this. But this is how I feel about you, and us. I know what I’m doing is something I can’t take back. But if we’re meant to be, we’ll find a way back to each other. I want to find my way back to you.”
Alt-Sam held out the paper for Damon, but he didn’t move. He didn’t so much as look at her. And she held it for him, and waited, but there was no change. So she eventually put it in his pocket. She looked up at him and swallowed hard. “I know nothing I’ve said is right, but I love you. I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t.”
And he guffawed, and then Alt-Sam’s eyes welled with tears, and she wiped them with the back of her hand. Before saying another word, she walked away from Damon at a pace so fast it bordered on a run. Damon turned, his brow finally creased with emotion, and he watched her disappear like a bird soaring higher and higher.
Eventually, Damon took the paper out and unfolded it. Sam stood on her tiptoes and looked over his shoulder. The song was Blink-182’s “Always,” the same one she was listening to. And those words, Always, Always , drifted from her headphones.
As the last speck of Alt-Sam vanished, Sam was yanked hard and fast back to the present. She quickly readjusted to the feel of the couch cushions beneath her, but her throat was tight and her stomach in knots. What did all of this mean? If it didn’t matter what she did and she was always destined to leave Tybee, then what was the point of all this?
The CD player was still in her lap, and while it was lit up, there were no more songs to play. She’d listened to all of them. Sam tried to fast-forward and rewind, but it was stuck on this final track.
Sam reached for her bag and pulled out the notebook.
SAM AND DAMON’S MAGICAL PLAYLIST
Track One: “Bring Me to Life” by Evanescence. Otherworldly song about being understood by another human. Tybee High parking lot. Questionable amounts of eyeliner. Alt-Sam kisses Damon. Missing earring is found.
Track Two: “I Believe in a Thing Called Love” by The Darkness. A bop about being head over heels for someone. Alt-Sam and Damon are officially dating. Myles continues to disappoint. Marissa didn’t have an awkward phase in high school. Jansport backpacks are timeless.
Track Three: “Supermassive Black Hole” by Muse. Inarguably the best song and movie scene pairing ever. Damon and Alt-Sam make out during Twilight and get kicked out. One too many hickies.
Track Four: “Want You Bad” by The Offspring. A banger about a bad boy wanting to corrupt a good girl. Myles gets owned by Alt-Sam. Damon skips detention. Alt-Sam skips her extracurricular. I miss Dunkaroos.
Track Five: “Dance, Dance” by Fall Out Boy. A song about a guy meeting someone he likes at a school dance, and the angst of trying to desperately impress them. Damon tries to impress Alt-Sam and they get into A GODDAMN CAR CRASH. Soffe shorts. Condoms from Pearl. Looks like I never get to go to prom.
Track Six: “Fell In Love With a Girl” by The White Stripes. Can I ever hear this song again and not think about Alt-Sam and Damon sneaking around (??) and probably having sex (??). Alt-Sam’s vision problems continue AND she’s getting a C on an essay?
Track Seven: “Read My Mind” by The Killers, which is all about uncertainty. Makes sense, since in Alt-Sam’s high school graduation, I’m not valedictorian and waiting on a surgery to get into flight school.
Track Eight: “Over My Head” by The Fray. Written about a fight, where one person was totally out of their depth. Alt-Sam is pregnant and moving in with Damon. Maybe they’re not ready to be parents?
Track Nine: “Maps” by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Damon’s starting nursing school and not a brewery. Wanting someone to stay is the theme of the song, and maybe Damon wants Alt-Sam to know he’ll stay by her side and through the miscarriage?
Track Ten: “The Curse of Curves” by Cute Is What We Aim For. Myles at the ice cream shop being a little too friendly with Alt-Sam, much like the song suggests. Eye surgery set for the next day. Damon and Myles acting like weirdos.
Track Eleven: “My Happy Ending” by Avril Lavigne. Saw anything but a happy scene. Alt-Sam and Damon at Farrah’s bar’s opening night, big fight. Eye surgery didn’t work. Damon asked Alt-Sam to see a therapist.
Track Twelve: “I Write Sins Not Tragedies” by Panic! at the Disco. A vision of Alt-Sam and Myles hooking up. Myles noticed that Alt-Sam was unhappy, and she leaned into his advances. Damon nowhere to be found.
Track Thirteen: “Always” by Blink-182. Instead of a second chance, Damon and Alt-Sam are officially over. Alt-Sam leaves Tybee to become a flight attendant and Damon is left behind...again.
Like many of the emo albums she’d adored, this CD played like a story unfolding. The songs started off with finding love, then falling in love and eventually losing that love. Only she was the subject, and the ending was tragic.
Sam and Damon had already agreed to stop things when she left Tybee, and the CD player showed that she was fated to leave, too. Because how could she choose Damon now without giving up her life or making him give up his? Still, the reality of never getting to be with him—in this life or the alternate one—didn’t hurt any less.