36. A Little Much
THIRTY-SIX
Avery’s pulsepounded in her temples, and the shade on her window did little to block out the painful glare of the mid-morning sun. Cam dropped her off before he went to the fitness center at nine, and for the first time since she met him, she was glad to see him leave.
She burrowed under her covers and tried not to wake Natasha, who grumbled at the disturbance when Avery came in and went back to sleep. What she wouldn’t give for a good girl friend to listen and tell her she wasn’t a fool who ruined everything by running her mouth. Not a mentor or teacher, though Mindy was a confidant. She wanted a friend her own age who understood her the way Cam usually did, so it didn’t have to be all on him to make her happy. She wanted Justin to tell her gently that Cameron always meant exactly what he said, and if he said he wasn’t mad, then he wasn’t.
She wanted, she needed, need, need, need. It sucked the life from her friendships and the recesses of her soul where the hurt of so much abandonment was scraped raw every day by the losses she couldn’t blame on herself. Isaac was gone, and she hardly knew which direction to reach for Justin anymore.
Avery
Can we get lunch?
Justin
I’m fine, thanks for asking.
Avery
I meant, can we get lunch and talk about how you’re feeling?
Justin
I’m tired. I don’t want to talk about last night.
Avery
Fine. I don’t want to talk about you, anyway.
I NEED YOU. I NEED MY brOTHER AND I AM NOT OKAY. PLEASE.
Justin
I’ll be there as soon as I’m done with my scan.
“I’ve just been drawing waves on the ceiling,” Avery said when he asked about her morning. She gestured, arms wide, painting with her fingers. “All swirls and spirals and big whooshes. Layers and layers of water right over my head. And I felt nothing.”
“Are you trying to feel afraid again?”
“I’m trying to feel that rush I got when I felt unafraid. Now it’s like there’s nothing to celebrate. It’s dull and flat, like none of it even matters. Like none of it happened.”
“From everything you explained about how Cam took the big reveal, it doesn’t seem like you should be feeling so bad, Avie.”
“I know.”
“He’s not the kind of guy who says he’s fine just to get someone off his case. Not someone close to him, anyway. So if he said that, he meant it.”
“I knew you’d tell me that. I needed you to tell me that.”
Justin brightened. “Problem solved?”
“I wish.”
“Is it what Gia said? I know you said it doesn’t bother you, but seriously, it would bother me if I were you. I’m going to have a hard time not saying anything to Hakeem, but since that’s what you want, I’ll try.”
“What she said about me and Cam is just drama. People can say what they want. Whether the thing with Isaac was real or fake, we don’t owe anyone a timeline. But I…” She trailed off, then wetted her throat with a sip of her ice water. “I don’t really have any friends here. I know it’s not just Gia saying that to be shitty about the other girls in that crowd, because Mindy more or less said the same thing. We don’t have to talk about her, but the fact that she noticed too just makes it hard to ignore. I have you and your friends. That’s it.”
He scooted to the other side of the booth and put his arm around her shoulders. “You always have me. And I’ve been such a dick, and I’m so sorry, but?—”
“I can’t only have you. Nothing’s changed since I left home. You were right about that. I just blow up everything and I’m too demanding and over the top and people only like me in little doses. Natasha hardly talks to me now. She says I exhaust her. That girl Breanna I met during Freshman Week never wants to do anything when I ask anymore. There was this super-cool girl in my drawing class who I talked to for a little bit about some of her pieces, but I got way too excited, and I?—”
“Avery, stop.”
She clamped her mouth shut.
“Every guy on that team is not my friend, you know. We’re friendly, but that doesn’t mean I have a ton of friends. Even before I lost my mind and made a big scene, there’s a handful of guys on that team I really call friends. Four or five. That’s it. And I sure don’t show it very well, but I’m grateful to have them. I bet most people don’t have that many friends they can truly trust.”
“I asked you to breach Cam’s trust. I asked Isaac to do that, too.”
“You made a very convincing case, and you played it about as clean as you could. And we both knew enough to think you might be onto something.”
“It was still stupid.”
“It worked, and he’s not mad.” He sipped his coffee.
“For now. Maybe for now it’s cute how I tried some crazy thing to get his attention, but one day, it’ll be too much. I’ll be too much.”
“Avie, what do you need? Do you want me to tell you to tone yourself down so you can have a girl-power moment and tell me I’m wrong and you’re a goddess? Don’t play those games with yourself. Don’t ask me to knock you down so you can get back up, and don’t put words in Cam’s mouth so you can redeem yourself for some fault he doesn’t see.”
She froze. “Do I do that?”
“I’ve seen times you won’t take motivation from anyone but yourself. And maybe that’s good when you’re chasing your own goals and ideas, but you’d be shit in a huddle because you won’t let anyone tell you that you’re doing all right and you should keep going.”
“How do you make friends without a team?” she challenged. “All of your friends are from football. I talked to Shay at every party and I thought we were getting along, but then Gia said she’s really Cam’s friend, so maybe that doesn’t even count.”
“Shay’s fantastic, and if she’s a friend, she’s a friend. Screw what Gia said.”
“All the football people are your friends or his. Where do I get someone who’s just my kind of person to hang out with?”
He flicked the side of her head. “You did, you idiot. You picked Cam off a couch in the art building when you had no idea he played football and he had no idea you were my sister. That’s your space together, and I’ve heard you ramble when you get all art-happy. He’s seen you like that as a friend, and he’s still around as more than that. Do you feel you have to tone yourself down around him?”
Her cheeks burned with a sudden blush.
Justin groaned. “Not like that. Don’t make me think about that.”
“There have been a few times I thought I was getting a little needy, but you know me. I throw up red flags for myself and ignore them. It’s funny how nice it is to just be quiet with him sometimes. I don’t have to try. He’s so busy, and some days all we really have is that hour from ten to eleven. Once in a while, we spend it looking at the ceiling and breathing. Not trying to fit in a big conversation or work on a project. Just being still.”
“Drawing waves.”
“I draw waves. He plays with imaginary clay, or chisels.”
“I can’t imagine you being that quiet with anyone when you’re not working. That’s something pretty special.”
“I think it is.”
“You made a friend. He can’t be your only friend, obviously, but you’re figuring out what makes a good friend for you. Maybe now you just need to meet the girl version of Cam.”
“That’s who we’ll set up with Isaac, since we’re besties now.”
“I’ll share him with you.”
“I’ll share Cam with you.”
“I want you to stay friends with Mindy, so I’m ducking out of that one. She agrees.”
Avery had just lifted her fork to her untouched pancakes and dropped it with a clatter.
“I talked to her a few days after the bonfire,” he continued. “And she was willing to hear me out. She told me how you offered to tell her anything she wanted to know. That’s so like you, just like when you said you’d try to get another advisor. You want to dive in and help the people you care about, even when it’s uncomfortable.”
“I didn’t want to get in the middle, and I’m sorry, but I thought maybe I could help explain. Was that too much?”
“You weren’t too much. It meant a lot to her.”
“But you’re not going to give that another try?” Avery bit hard on her lip to stop it from quivering.
“Mindy and I spent a few weeks having fun talking about pinball and pilsners and making out. I was probably more into her than she was into me, and she deserves a guy who can hold his liquor and carry his own baggage. She liked the version of myself that I put together to impress her. It’s pretty clear I need to work on myself before I try and have a real relationship.”
“Whatever. She dumped you.”
“She dumped me.”
“Do the work anyway.” She jabbed a butter knife at him. “And don’t say after football season.”
“One day at a time. That’s all I’ve got in the tank right now.”
Avery opened her mouth to demand he make an appointment at the counseling center, or at least come to one of hers, and shut it again to collect her thoughts.
She waited.
“You’re welcome to join me,” she said finally. “Whenever you want.”