Chapter 6
Atlee
I needed to find my courage because it seemed to have wandered off somewhere.
Casimir was wonderfully patient and good at ignoring my awkwardness but there was only so long we could continue down that path. If we were going to shift into a more physical relationship, I had questions that needed to be addressed.
“How is your crème br?lée?” He was doing his best to steer the conversation in neutral ways but I could almost hear the wheels in his head turning.
He had to be wondering what I was doing, but I really couldn’t answer that question.
“It’s delicious.” What was even better was the way he’d brought it up to begin with instead of arguing with me that of course cake was the best option and I shouldn’t be stubborn. “It would taste better if I wasn’t a wuss, though.”
That had his lips twitching but he kept his neutral expression and shook his head. “Nope. Not going to let you talk about my date like that. He’s working through new information and has a lot to process. Be nice to him.”
There was a slight or else tone to his voice that made me very curious and loosened my tongue slightly. “What would you do if I wasn’t nice to him?”
I should not have asked that, but his wicked grin as his tongue flicked out to lick ice cream off his spoon made it hard to regret it.
“Hmm…carrot or stick?” His teasing tone said he was fucking with me but there was something in his eyes that said he was testing the waters too.
He wanted to see my reaction, but I wasn’t sure what I was feeling.
“I’d start with a bribe for good behavior.
Then if it became necessary, I’d find a creative punishment to make the rule stick. ”
Rules.
Punishments.
I liked the sound of the bribe better.
“And some guilt thrown in for good measure.” Setting his spoon down, he leaned back in his chair. “I think along with the bribe I’d point out that being mean to my date would make me very uncomfortable and I’d worry.”
Oh.
“That’s fighting dirty.” My response had his grin flashing again but he shrugged the accusation away.
Probably because it was true and he wouldn’t be apologetic.
“What would a bribe look like?” I’d never had a conversation like this in my entire life but every step forward made it a little easier.
I had a feeling his smiles were affecting it, but he was right, I liked making him happy and he knew it. Usually it was a relationship trait that fucked me over completely, but Casimir wasn’t like anyone I’d ever met.
“Oh…you ask fun questions.” It definitely wasn’t too personal based on the slightly predatory gleam in his eyes. “I might trade questions for kisses…and I’d definitely get creative about where they should go.”
Kisses.
“Would I be kissing you as the reward or the other way around?” How would that work if he was the in-charge party in the situation? “It would be my bribe but…”
Something flashed through his eyes before he nodded, something like pride maybe. “But depending on the situation, and what makes you feel rewarded, it could go either way.”
Blinking slowly, he paused and studied me quietly for a moment. “Hypothetically, if I were dating a sub we’ll call Bob, I’d ask questions to figure out what made Bob feel special and what made him happy. If being told where to kiss me made him relaxed and aroused, I’d used that as his bribe.”
We both knew I liked being told where to kiss him.
The most logical part of my brain couldn’t help pointing out that knowing what made my partner happy and comfortable kept me from getting screamed at and it kept accusations at bay. Other less logical parts of my brain kept trying to snort and be dramatic, though.
So I stopped trying to analyze any of it and only focused on the situation in front of me.
“So if Bob felt relaxed and happy being told where to kiss you, his bribe in this instance might be kissing you on a specific part of your body that you enjoy?” Wait. “You’d be enjoying the bribe, right?”
How far did taking care of someone else go?
The internet made it clear that for a lot of Dominants, the caretaking aspect was a big appeal. They just found interesting ways of steering those desires. Casimir didn’t seem like the strong caretaker types I’d seen online but he was the watch out for people he felt responsible for type.
I knew that just by seeing some of the idiots he’d dated in the past.
“I know you want me to say yes, but I’m going to say it depends on the situation.” He smiled when I couldn’t quite hold back a sigh. “So dramatic.”
Shaking his head, he didn’t let my “drama” as he saw it distract him. “Under a lot of circumstances, yes, I would make sure the bribe was something both Bob and I enjoyed.”
“But…” I hadn’t fallen deep enough down that side of the internet to be confident I knew what he was going to say. I could connect the dots fairly well, though.
“But sometimes it’s not about what I want, it’s about what Bob needs. That changes things because Bob gives me an incredible amount of trust and I take that very seriously.” The expression he was wearing stopped any overthinking I’d been doing about taking the situation too seriously.
Clearly serious was the name of the game in BDSM.
“Rules are part of this, though, so in Bob’s case he could make a rule that if something was one-sided you had to explain that very clearly?” I had to know it was both consensual and enjoyable before I could relax.
And I was definitely the party who was supposed to relax into the right headspace.
The internet spelled that out plainly too.
There were even online quizzes I could take and virtual therapists who’d walk me through that shocking revelation, but while I was stupid in a lot of ways, I wasn’t delusional.
I was currently just confused.
Casimir’s lips twitched but he nodded. “Yes. Rules and structure are a big part of this so both parties know what to expect at a baseline. Some people like surprises beyond that, but they both have a steady foundation to start from.”
I liked steady.
His lips twitched again. “Say it.”
He was definitely the dramatic one no matter what he liked to think.
“I like steady.” I should’ve felt ridiculous but something about Casimir made it hard to feel stupid.
Nodding, his leg brushed against mine under the table. “It feels safe, and once you’re at that point, it’s a little easier to stretch out and try something different. The problem is that steady isn’t always easy to reach, so a lot of the time we never get beyond it.”
Ignoring the parts of my life that made steady impossible in the past, I did my best to focus on the present. Casimir hadn’t done anything to make me feel stupid or like the earth kept moving under my feet. He was different but that hadn’t turned out to be a bad thing yet.
“I’ve never gotten beyond that.” I was a generous lover and never an asshole, but I’d never branched out into anything…dynamic. “Part of what I’ve seen online makes me worry about looking stupid, though.”
There was no point in hiding that because if he made me feel stupid then we weren’t at steady.
“If something makes you feel stupid, it’s probably not the right thing for you.
” He shrugged as I thought about what he’d said.
“Some people in this lifestyle will argue with me about that, but from personal experience, if someone is feeling stupid or anything close to that, it’s probably because they’re not getting what they need in one way or another. ”
Before I could figure out what I thought, he rubbed his leg against mine again and continued. “I met this couple at a…social event where lifestyle people hang out and get to know each other…it’s called a munch. Silly name. Fun time.”
Maybe it was named that because snacking was the main goal?
Casimir saved me from weird mental wanderings by continuing with his story.
“But they’d started out trying to explore what people think of as traditional submission and even explored a few things that are on the more creative side.
It all felt awkward, though. Like the too awkward to orgasm feeling. ”
His wince made me fight back a smile.
“Eventually they realized they’d been looking in the wrong places and everything fell into place. Bam. No more feeling stupid and they were both happy.” The look on his face made it clear he loved that. “It just took some work and a bit of experimenting to figure out what made them happy.”
His bright smile faded into something more thoughtful as he focused back on me instead of the story. “I don’t have a long list of must haves when it comes to a relationship like this. I would love to help you explore what you’re curious about and what makes you feel sexy.”
What made me feel sexy…was that supposed to be easy or difficult?
Before I had to ask that, he charged right back in. “Going back to that bribe topic, to start with I’d need to ask a few questions like what your limits are currently and what you like best. Kissing or being kissed? There are no right or wrong answers to that and they’ll probably change over time.”
Pushing back my immediate thought that there were always right ways to do things, I must’ve done something because he chuckled. “What? You can’t make that face and stay silent.”
I could try.
“The research I’ve done so far made it clear you’re being accurate when you said there was no right or wrong answer, but that’s painful to hear.” There were always right ways to do things or you’d done it wrong.
Period.
“You keep wincing like having to say that makes you queasy.” It was my turn to shrug and I got a laugh out of him as he charged into the conversation. “Alright, drama queen. How about if we start out by defining right as what gives the best emotional return in the moment?”
Still painful…but slightly less so.
“I can live with that definition.” While I worked to find a better one…because this one wasn’t perfect yet. “You have to let me know if I do something wrong, though.”
His head cocked, not making me feel confident about how he was going to respond. “Think of it like an employee review. I can’t improve if I don’t know what the problem is and where my weak points are.”
No one was perfect and growth was important.
“You’re going to drive me crazy with this.
” His words said one thing but the dramatic way he crossed his arms over his chest said another.
“To start with, the only thing you have to do in order to do a good job is to follow directions and answer questions clearly, with enough detail for me to make decisions. That’s it. ”
Would that actually be enough to make anyone happy?
Even with my family I was supposed to push back enough to show I was listening and intelligent before conceding that they had the right answer to begin with. I’d done my best to figure out ways to politely explain they were wrong and to build boundaries, but this felt too simple.
“Most people don’t actually like getting their way that easily.
They stop respecting you if you don’t argue back.
It’s not logical but most people aren’t logical.
” Most people were actually insane, but I’d started just assuming crazy and being pleasantly surprised when my life didn’t explode.
“Even the barista near my work looks down on customers that aren’t a pain in the ass. ”
He was insane too.
Casimir’s chest jerked but he managed not to laugh out loud. “We’re going to take this one step at a time while I show you how I’ll react and what makes me happy.”
Was this a trust but verify kind of thing?
“I’m not going to lie to you, Atlee.” The teasing left his voice as something serious slipped in. “I will tell you what makes me happy and what I want you to do. I won’t lose my shit because you followed directions and I won’t get angry if you do what I say but you can’t relax.”
I really didn’t like how easily he could read me.
“I haven’t had the best luck with relationships. Romantic or otherwise.” It was enough of an understatement that he laughed loud enough several tables around us glanced over.
“Baby, you’re damned near cursed, but I’m a witch you met deep in the woods.
I didn’t curse you but I’m going to help you break it.
” Shaking his head, his leg rubbed mine again.
“No matter what else happens between us, I’m going to be your friend and I’m going to help you figure out what a healthy relationship looks like for you going forward. ”
I tried to keep the drama off my face but just realizing I didn’t know what healthy would look like made me want to pitch a fit like a toddler.
“Externally you’re calm…internally you’re telenovela levels of dramatic.” My huff got another grin from him. “Come on, my drama queen. We’re going to split the bill and then you’re going to take me on a walk while I ask you enough questions to make you squirm and help me figure out a reward.”
I hated splitting the bill.
“Oh, that eye twitch is back.” His delight at that made it twitch again. “If you answer my questions clearly enough for both of us to enjoy playing when we get back to my place, I’ll let you pay for our next date.”
“Next two.” Just one wouldn’t be enough. “You’re going to ask a lot of questions and I need a good bribe to keep from overthinking.”
From everything I’d read that was at least a base stage I needed to reach in order to call it quality submission.
“I should tell you no just to see how dramatic you’ll get, but I’m feeling generous.” He was feeling like being a pain in the ass because he paused long enough to make me want to grumble. “Deal. Paying for two dates and you make an effort to relax once we get back.”
Ugh.
He rolled his eyes, so I might’ve let my feelings on that show through a bit too much. “Effort is the goal. You just have to answer questions and let me make the decisions and I’ll be happy.”
I hoped so.
Casimir’s smile peeking through said worrying would be a good goal too, though. He was tricky. “I’ve been looking forward to being happy with you.”
Happy.
Orgasmic happy or not pissed happy?
Had dating men been this complicated back in college or was growing up a lot more ridiculous than I’d expected?