33. Evan
THIRTY-THREE
EVAN
To: Val Rivera
From: Unknown sender
Subject: Open this. It’s not spam.
Dear Val,
Please hear me out—I got Scotty drunk and then swindled him in poker in order to get your email address.
He paid a guy who paid a guy to get it. Emily, the one librarian you called “funky,” is apparently some kind of tech genius, and she showed me how to email without it getting tracked.
You can reply to this address and it gets bounced around the world, but it’ll get to me.
Apparently, it’s not exactly legal, but I don’t feel bad about that.
I think there’s always going to be a part of me that gets off on skirting the law.
You should probably know that up front. You should also know that I didn’t mean the hurtful things I said to you.
Also, I’m an asshole ( that you probably figured out for yourself) .
I know we called it quits. That I pushed you away.
I thought I was doing the right thing. I’m not sure what I expected, but I sure as hell didn’t expect this.
I’m tired. I’m tired of rolling over in bed and reaching for you and the emptiness that follows me around all day once I realize you’re really gone.
I’m tired of replaying our last conversation over and over with what I should have said and done.
I’m tired of trying to convince myself I did the right thing. So fucking tired.
There are so many more important words that I should have said to you. Three in particular. I hope one day I’ll get the chance to say them.
Yours,
Evan
To: Val Rivera
From: Unknown sender
Subject: ghosts
My dearest Valor,
Do you believe in ghosts? Today at the last farmers market of the season, I swore I saw you in the crowd.
I nearly lost my mind. There’s nothing new around the ranch, and the days are long.
The nights without you are even longer. We had a few new calves born, and I thought about the day you helped with AI.
I would have laughed if everything didn’t hurt so damn much.
I wanted to name one of the new babies Val after you, but then Gemma reminded me that honoring a woman with a cow was (and I quote) “the least romantic thing on the planet.” In my head, I call it Marian instead.
Every time I see that goofy cow I think about the first time I kissed you under the stars, in the pasture.
I knew, even before that moment, that you were different.
Real. I know I made you think otherwise, and for that I will always be sorry.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Love,
Evan
To: Val Rivera
From: Unknown sender
Subject: A promise
Everyone in town hates me. The gossip mill spread quickly about why you left Tipp, and no one seems too thrilled with me at the moment. I’ve lived here nearly a year, and suddenly my coffee orders are getting fucked up and I can’t get Al to serve me a beer to save my life.
Family dinner is a lot quieter too. Whenever someone mentions your name, a weird and uncomfortable silence falls over the table.
My chest hurts so bad I have to leave. Usually I take a walk around the pond or sit on the dock and worry.
I worry that you’re not safe. I worry that you’ll never know how deeply you changed me for the better.
I worry that you haven’t heard a pun lately that made you laugh.
Here’s one: the new hapkido instructor at the gym said he was pulling out a new move from his “kick-tionary.” I thought you might like that one.
More than anything, I worry that I made you feel like doing the right thing was wrong. I know you had the best of intentions and I couldn’t see that. I worry I made you doubt your instincts. But mostly I worry that one day people will stop mentioning you.
I promise to say your name every day.
Love,
Evan
To: Val Rivera
From: Unknown sender
Subject: restless
Waking up without you is painful. My bones ache from the minute I wake up until I lie in our bed and stare at the ceiling. I miss you stealing the covers. It’s too fucking hot in here anyway.
Love,
Evan
To: Val Rivera
From: Unknown sende r
Subject: family secrets
When I was a kid, Parker and I were left alone a lot.
It’s strange seeing him here on the ranch.
Gemma avoids him altogether. He and I don’t talk much yet—it’s a work in progress.
The looks he gives that wife of his are full of secrets that I don’t fully trust. If you were here, I’m sure you would have already figured out what the deal is with those two.
Seeing him again brings up a lot of painful memories I tried to forget.
My mom was unreliable at best, and the men she brought home were violent and frightening at worst. I learned early on that the people who were supposed to love you sometimes didn’t.
That’s a hard lesson for a kid to learn.
When we got older, Parker kept me on the outskirts, never letting me get too close.
When you were here, it felt like family is supposed to feel. I know there is darkness inside me, but you had a way of finding the light.
I miss your laughter and your light.
All my love,
Evan
To: Val Rivera
From: Unknown sender
Subject: desperate
Stalking is a criminal behavior, right? I let it slip to Gemma that I was emailing you and she called me a “psycho.” She misses you, too, but she’s made sure I know the blame lies fully on my shoulders.
She’s happy to mumble asshole under her breath whenever she gets the chance, so it’s pretty clear she agrees.
I let her know that I don’t even know if you’re getting these emails.
If it’s painful for you, I’m sorry. I can’t help it, and according to Gem, I’m “too desperate” to stop.
I can’t bear the thought of losing the only connection I have to you.
Fuck, I hope you’re getting these. Please say something.
Tell me what a dick I am. Tell me you hate my face. Anything.
Love,
Evan
To: Val Rivera
From: Unknown sender
Subject: what if
Dear Val,
Most nights I lie awake and think about how different things should have been.
Last night I wondered what it would have been like if we’d met in Chicago.
The reality hit me that if we would have met in Chicago, it probably would have been because I was in the back of your squad car.
You deserve so much more than a man who lived to break the rules.
I know this. I’m working on it. I’ve convinced myself that if I can be the best version of myself, the semblance of a man worthy of your love, you’ll find your way back to me.
Option two is to make you arrest me, but that’s probably not a great idea.
Let’s go with option one.
Love,
Evan