Chapter 28 #2
“No, I guess not.” I swallowed against a sudden lump in my throat.
Hearing Haman’s story made me realize just how precious my relationship with Iannis was.
Most people in my situation didn’t end up with the love of their life.
Too often they had to abandon their dreams and deal with reality, as my father had done.
“Still, I’m not sure why you didn’t reveal the truth to her before you left. ”
Haman shifted uncomfortably on the bench.
“One night, not long before I broke things off with her, Saranella and I had a discussion about magic. I found out that she hated it with a passion, and harbored unbridled resentment toward the mage community for what she called the oppression of her kind. I knew then that things would never work out between us, which was why I left without saying anything. She would have never forgiven my deception.”
“We’ll never know that for sure,” I couldn’t help but point out, even though I knew it was digging salt in the wound. “You never gave her a chance.”
“No. But even had I stayed there, I would have always felt guilty for abandoning my heritage, my betrothed. The shadow of my betrayal would have forever darkened our door and ruined our happiness. So I moved on with my life, and she moved on with hers.”
I said nothing to that. What could I possibly add? In the end, Haman had made the right choice. He had gone back to his home, his family, and had married the woman who had been lined up for him. He had a beautiful family, a beautiful wife, and an entire kingdom.
He hadn’t known that he had me, too.
“Even so,” Haman went on. “When Ballos wrote years later that Saranella had died, all those old feelings came rushing back as though it had been yesterday. The pain of her loss was indescribable, and to make matters worse, I could not tell anybody about it.” His eyes gleamed with grief for a few moments, and then his brows drew together in a scowl.
“I don’t understand why Ballos didn’t tell me about you in the letter. ”
“He felt you were better off not knowing,” I explained, feeling a little sorry for him now.
His absence in my life had truly not been his fault.
“He made my mother promise not to contact you. In exchange, he bound my magic so I could attempt to live as a shifter.” Not that that had worked out, I added silently.
“I can see the logic, but even so, Ballos had no right to keep your existence from me.” Haman’s eyes burned—he was clearly incensed at the old mage’s deception.
But then his broad shoulders sagged, and he dropped his gaze back to the shimmering pond.
“I suppose I only have myself to blame, though. You have every right to hate me.”
“I don’t hate you.” My throat was tight as I said the words, and I meant every single one. It was clear that he’d loved my mother, whatever his faults, and that he hadn’t meant to abandon me. “Maybe I did when I was younger, but I don’t now.”
“It means very much for me to hear you say that.” Haman met my gaze again, gratitude in his eyes.
“You look so much like Saranella,” he said wonderingly, lifting his hand.
His fingers brushed against my cheekbone for just a moment, then fell away.
“Your faces are nearly identical, though you have my coloring. It’s like a miracle. ”
“I’ve got your mouth, I think,” I said, smiling. By Magorah, but was this really happening? Was I really having a conversation with my father, as his daughter and not a stranger?
“And my eyes,” he said. “Although, it is strange to see them as shifter eyes instead of human.”
I tore my gaze from him at that, staring hard at the pond. The moonlight glowed against the still water, making it hard to see the fish that swam beneath, but every so often, I caught a flash of color from a fin.
“I did not mean offense,” Haman said quietly after a long moment of silence. “I brought you out here to tell you that I am sorry I never knew of you, and that I wasn’t able to have any role in your upbringing.”
“Would it matter if you had known?” I asked. “Given your country’s laws and customs, wouldn’t you have been forced to hide my existence anyway?”
Haman hesitated. “It would have been difficult, under the circumstances, for me to care for you properly,” he conceded. “But somehow, I would have found a way.”
He spoke with such sincerity that for a moment, I almost believed him.
But those were just feelings talking, I reminded myself.
He might believe that he could have found a way, but whether he could have actually done so was another matter.
Maybe it was just as well that he’d never had to try—the heartbreak would have been unbearable.
“So, what now?” I asked. “Now that the facts are established, and we’ve both said our piece, do we just part ways here and pretend this meeting never happened?” My stomach dropped at the thought. It felt wrong to end things like that with my father, even if Iannis might advise it.
“That might be the logical thing to do, but I don’t want that,” Haman said, sounding a little offended.
“I did not approach you so that I could tell you to forget me. I shall write to you, like a friend, now that I know of your existence, and it is up to you whether you want to reply, or visit, once you are married. I wish I could offer more, but it would be folly for either of us to publicly claim our relationship, at least not until I have stepped down from office as High Mage, and Malik takes over.”
“That’s probably gonna be a couple of hundred years, huh?” I said, and a weight slipped off my shoulders. There was zero chance that he would try to call off my wedding, not if he wanted to keep his position.
“Perhaps not,” Haman said ruefully. “Being a High Mage is not as much fun as some people think, and I don’t plan to cling to the office forever.
It could be as soon as a few decades, depending on whether Malik is ready.
He has much growing up to do. In any case, you have nothing to fear from me regarding your engagement to Lord Iannis.
I will not interfere in any way, and neither will my family. None of them know about you.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure of that,” I said.
“Just a few days before I left for Garai, I received a letter from Isana suggesting that we might be related. She wrote that she’d seen my picture in a magazine and noted the resemblance.
And then she went on to say that she really admired what I’d accomplished as a hybrid, and that she wanted to meet me. ”
“Really?” Haman looked taken aback. “That sounds most unlike Isana. She does not warm easily to people, especially not over something like a mere photograph. Besides, I saw that picture in the papers myself, and I did not make the connection at the time. I find it hard to believe that she would.”
“Well, someone did,” I insisted. “And maybe they put the idea into Isana’s head. Whoever it was, though, wants me dead.”
“Dead?” Haman scowled. “What are you talking about?”
“I was attacked the morning of the funeral, not far from my own pavilion,” I told him. “There were three humans and a mage, all dressed in black with their faces covered. One of them cut me with a magical knife, spelled to inflict wounds that don’t heal.”
“By the Lady,” Haman muttered, running a hand through his curly hair in a way that reminded me of myself. It was a little disconcerting, actually. “I can’t believe he would do this.”
“Who?” I demanded, alarmed at the sudden anguish in his voice. “Are you telling me you know who’s behind the attack?”
“I can’t be sure,” Haman said firmly. “I must find out more before I say for certain.” He rose, his robes fluttering behind him in the gentle night wind. “Rest well, Sunaya. I will come and find you again in the morning, as soon as I know more.”
He left me there on the bench, and it was some time before my mind and heart settled enough for me to go back inside again.