Chapter 57
‘Well, young Brendan,’ said Mr Feeney, sitting behind his desk, looking exactly how he always did; shabby dressing gown open with his hairy chest on display, a huge mug of tea with the steam wafting up in front of his ever-tired face.
‘Another cryptic phone call from you, I’m beginnin’ to feel like we’re in Mission: Impossible.
’ I laughed. ‘But tell me this, how’re you keepin’? ’
‘Keeping well, Mr Feeney, keeping well.’
‘You’re certainly lookin’ well.’
‘Aye, well, it’s been a hard old time of it and I know it’s going to be a hard old year to come.’
‘Aye, the first year is the hardest. Grief is a complicated thing.’
‘But I think there’s goodness in the grief too, Mr Feeney.’
‘I’ve never heard it put that way before, Brendan, “goodness in the grief”, but you’re right.
Grief does have its positives; it’s the thing that sits on top to let the healin’ happen underneath.
But that doesn’t mean it’s easy, it does not indeed, and things can sneak up on you when you least expect it.
But “goodness in the grief”, you’ve some way of seein’ things, young fella, you do indeed.
You remember what I said to you many moons ago about havin’ the right manner for this business?
That, right there, that’s exactly what I’m talkin’ about. ’
‘Well, that’s actually what I wanted to talk about myself, Mr Feeney. Especially with you just saying about healing and things sneaking up on you. Pain sneaks up on you. And there’s so much pain out there, isn’t there?’
‘Indeed there is. The world over.’
‘And so this got me thinking about you and what you do and how you’re something like a kind of healer for people in pain. You take it away like a … like a … I don’t know what.’
‘Like a painkiller,’ said Mr Feeney. ‘Or no, not …’
‘No, maybe not “killer”,’ I laughed.
‘Aye, no.’
‘Aye, but it’s pain relief, isn’t it?’
‘That’s the word.’
‘And there’s something about me that, I don’t know, not that I feel good about other people’s pain but I do feel something. Something I’d like to think about, you know, down the line?’
Mr Feeney sat back with his chest puffed out and slowly nodded once with his eyes closed and then opened them again.
‘Not many fellas like yourself about these days, Brendan, fellas with somethin’ … somethin’ special.’
‘I don’t know about that, Mr Feeney, I think I’ve been given chances to feel special, I think that’s what it is.
You’re one of the people who gave me a chance because I never felt as special as when I drove Ronan.
It felt like an honour because he was my best friend, but I actually think it would be an honour to be able to do it for anyone, it’s the last thing that can be done, isn’t it? ’
‘That’s it indeed. We are the ones who do all that’s left to be done. And it is an honour. And we do it with all the dignity and respect that we can; as if they were our own.’
I sat back and nodded.
‘Are you tellin’ me what I think you’re tellin’ me, young fella?’
‘I maybe think I am, Mr Feeney.’
‘And plans for further education? What’s happenin’ with that?’
‘Not happening probably.’
‘That’s a big decision. What do the parents say?’
‘They say … they say the things parents say.’
‘And did you tell them about what you’ve come to talk to me about today?’
‘No.’
‘Well, as much as this Secret Service Mission: Impossible stuff is becomin’ a bit of a thing, I do think you need to talk to them about this one.’
‘I will, you know, if down the line …’
‘Aye, if … down the line …’
We smiled at each other.
‘If down the line I come and work for you, Mr Feeney.’
‘With me, Brendan. With. That would be my only stipulation.’
We both sat forward and he reached his big hand across the desk and I stretched mine forward to meet it. We shook steady and strong.
‘You know I’m still insistin’ you take the rest of the summer off, though, don’t you? That still stands.’
‘I do. And you know what? I never thought I’d say this but I think I need the break, I need the time. Except …’
He put his head down and looked at me with suspicion.
‘Except?’
‘Before I leave, could I do just one thing?’
Mr Feeney raised his head. I got the feeling he knew what I wanted.
––
Two hours later I was in Feeney’s yard having just rolled up the hose and put it back in the garage along with all the other equipment. I wiped the sweat from my forehead as I stepped back and put my hands on my hips.
The hearse gleamed in front of me. I stared into the black of it and everything else around it seemed a little bit brighter.