Chapter 6
Six
GRAY
“Hey, baby. It’s me again. Day seven.”
I lean back in the phone booth, my daily ritual established as morning group, therapy, and evening meditation. I’ve had a week of one-sided conversations with Rhea’s voicemail—seven days of talking to her voice without actually speaking with her.
“Had a breakthrough in individual therapy today. My therapist helped me understand several things about myself that I’ve been running from for, well, most of my life.
I wish I could tell you about it in person, but I understand why you can’t answer.
I can understand how hearing my voice might hurt too much right now.
” I listen to the sounds of the facility around me.
Other people are healing, trying to put their broken pieces back together.
The words come easier now. I’ve had seven days of practice that have taught me how to distill my day into the span of a voicemail message. I pack remorse, hope, and desperate love into the time between the beep and the inevitable dial tone.
“I played guitar for two hours today and wrote something new, not about losing you, though God only knows I could write a hundred songs about that and never run out of material. This one’s about forgiving yourself for things you couldn’t control when you were just a kid.
” My throat tightens, the therapy session still raw in my mind.
Bruce warned me it would be difficult, that trauma buried for decades doesn’t go quietly into the nightBut I hadn’t been prepared for how it would feel to finally speak the truth out loud.
"I love you, Rhea. I love you more than I've ever loved anything, including the bottle. That's new for me, baby. Being able to say that and mean it. I'll call tomorrow," I promise.
I hang up and make my way to the dining hall, where my roommate, Denny, waves me over to our usual table.
The routine is comforting now. I have breakfast with a group of guys I’ve befriended, followed by morning group, individual therapy, an afternoon group, free time, dinner, an evening group, and finally, the blessed exhaustion that comes from doing emotionally heavy lifting all day.
"You look like shit, brother." Denny stops short of shoving food in his mouth with a fork to tell me I look terrible.
“Feel like it too. I had a breakthrough today with Bruce.” I lift a shoulder into a shrug, as if it’s not a profound weight lifted from my soul.
Denny nods sympathetically. “Those’ll gut you. I cried like a baby after my first real session. Twenty-eight years old, and I was bawling my eyes out about my daddy not hugging me enough.”
“Mine was about my ex-wife. The therapist made me write her a letter I’ll probably never send. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.” Randy has been quiet since I sat down, as is his way, but he joins the conversation now.
I appreciate their openness and the way trauma becomes less isolating when you’re surrounded by people who understand that everyone’s carrying invisible wounds. But what I discussed with Bruce today goes beyond the usual family dysfunction or relationship failures that brought most of us here.
“What did you work on?” Denny asks gently, not meaning any offense by it. He’s a supportive individual who likes to know how he can help.
I stare at my untouched food, wondering how to even begin. “My mom’s death. I’ve never really talked about it before, not the details anyway.”
The table goes quiet. In the week I’ve been here, we’ve all shared pieces of our stories, but there’s an unspoken understanding that some stories require invitation before they’re told.
“You don’t have to—” Denny starts.
“No, it’s okay. I think I need to say it out loud to people who get it.” I take a sip of coffee, gathering courage. “My stepfather killed her. Beat her half to death, then drowned her in our bathtub. I was seven. Andrew was nine.”
The silence stretches, heavy with the weight of words that can’t be taken back. I feel exposed, both relieved and anxious, as I watch them absorb what I've just shared.
“Fuckin’ A, Gray,” Randy whispers, his eyes widening in shock.
“We hid in my older brother, Andrew’s, bedroom closet while it happened.
He covered my ears, but I could still hear everything.
My stepfather was screaming at her and hitting her with a closed fist. Then the splash when he…
” I swallow hard. “Then silence. The sirens seemed to grow closer at a snail’s pace.
Our neighbor had called the police, but it was too late when they got there. ”
Denny reaches across the table and squeezes my shoulder. “That’s some heavy shit to carry around, brother.”
”The worst part is, I’ve spent twenty-nine years thinking I should have done something. Seven years old, and I convinced myself I was a coward for not trying to save her.” How much farther would I be in life if I had dealt with my trauma earlier in my life?
“Your brother saved your life. If you’d tried to help, you’d probably both be dead.” Randy offers a way to see the silver lining in my story.
And he’s right. I need to be grateful for not only my own breath, but Andrew’s too.
“That’s what Bruce said. It took him an hour to get me to see it. Andrew was protecting us both. Making sure Mom didn’t die for nothing.”
* * *
Three hours earlier
“Tell me about your mother, Gray.” Bruce sits across from me in his office, notepad balanced on his knee, expression patient and open.
We’ve been building toward this conversation all week, circling around the edges of my childhood trauma like vultures waiting for the right moment to descend.
“She was beautiful. Kind. She loved music. I think I got that from her.”
“Those are lovely memories.” He waits patiently for me to add more details to the conversation.
Of course, they are, but there’s always more to the story when it comes to addicts. We don’t just wake up one day and decide to destroy our lives with substances. There’s usually a wound at the center of it all that festers until poison is the only thing that brings relief.
“She married my stepfather when I was five. Richard. He seemed okay at first. He brought me and Andrew gifts, took us fishing, all the stuff you’d expect from a man trying to win over his new family.
But he was an alcoholic, and when he drank, he got mean.
” I lean back in the chair, surprised by how easily the words come.
Bruce nods, scribbling notes. “What kind of mean?”
“It was yelling at first, and that escalated to throwing things. Mom would send us to our rooms when he got like that. She’d tell us to play quietly until he calmed down.
But it got worse. The yelling turned into pushing.
The pushing turned into hitting and beatings.
” I knew my childhood was fucked up for most of my life, but sharing so much intimate detail with a person other than Andrew is odd.
Listening to myself say it out loud is surreal, like someone else is speaking about another life all together.
“Did he hit you and Andrew?” Bruce’s voice is gentle.
“Not until the few months leading up to my mom’s death.
If we were too loud or if we got in his way when he was angry, he’d slap or knock us around.
But mostly he focused on Mom. I think she was trying to protect us by drawing his attention to herself instead of us.
” Those last several months living with Richard were hell.
The words hang there, heavy with meaning I’m only just starting to understand.
“How long did this go on?” Bruce continues to scrawl across his notepad.
“Two years, maybe? It's hard to recall exact timelines at that young age. But I remember the night she died. It was a Saturday. Andrew and I watched cartoons while Mom made dinner. Richard came home already furious and as fucked up as a soup sandwich.”
Bruce leans forward slightly. “What happened next?”
“He started yelling at her about the house being messy, dinner not being ready, just really stupid shit that didn’t matter.
She tried to calm him down, but he just got angrier.
” I close my eyes, but the images are still there, burned into my memory with the clarity that only comes from witnessing the violent death of a parent.
No child should ever see that shit. “He hit her. Not the first time, but… harder than before. She fell, and there was blood.”
“Where were you and Andrew during this?” He prods me to continue, forcing me to delve deeper into the night that changed everything.
“Andrew grabbed me and pulled me into his bedroom. He knew what was coming, having been older and more aware of the patterns. We hid in his closet, and he covered my ears with his hands. But I could still hear everything. Mom was crying, begging him to stop. The sound of his fists hitting her is still so clear. Then…” Tears start falling without my permission, hot tracks down my cheeks that I don’t bother to wipe away.
“Take your time.” Bruce encourages me to breathe and not feel rushed to wade through the trauma.
“He dragged her to the bathroom. I could hear the water running and her struggling against Richard. She was crying, saying our names, telling us she loved us. Then nothing. Just silence.” My voice breaks completely.
Bruce hands me a box of tissues, his expression gentle but unwavering. “That must have been terrifying.”
“We stayed in the closet for what felt like hours. Andrew kept whispering it would be okay until we finally heard the sirens. I was terrified Richard would find us and kill us both as well.”
“What happened to your stepfather?” He stops writing and focuses on my response.