41. Head Girl
Head Girl
Desdemona
Five days after Elias is gone—on the last official day of school, I stand alone at the lectern for the final head girl’s address.
It’s a gorgeous morning, ironically. Spring is finally here, bright sunlight pouring in through the tall, narrow windows, chasing away all the darkness that’s been gathering like cobwebs in every nook and cranny of Spearcrest. The campus feels green, expansive, light-filled, perfumed with fresh grass and dew and baby leaves.
I’m still in my winter uniform, with the long-sleeved shirt and my blazer, impeccable as usual, badges lining my lapel. My shoulders feel loose and relaxed. I’m ready.
Behind me, Mr North and the vice principals sit in the old wooden chairs. Ahead of me, our entire year: students and teachers and tutors—everyone who witnessed Elias being dragged away for a crime he didn’t commit, all because he wanted to be accepted by the people sitting right now in front of me.
I set down the five printed pages. I scripted my final address back in September, back when I had my entire year planned out, my future laid out like tomorrow’s outfit on the foot of my bed.
Now, I don’t even glance at it.
I don’t need to.
“As your head girl, it has been an honour and a privilege to serve you all and our school. Spearcrest Academy is more than an academic institution. For me, like many of you, it’s part of a legacy: my parents came here, and I’ve done everything I could do to uphold their reputation, and the school’s.
To work hard and demonstrate, in everything I’ve tried to do and say, the values of our school: bravery, honesty, perseverance.
“Audentes Fortuna Iuvat. We’re so used to seeing those words, by now, that I think it can be easy for us to forget what they mean.
Fortune favours the brave. For so long, I thought that meant that luck favours those who are willing to take risks, but that’s not true at all, is it?
We live in a world where luck is already on our side—what need do we have for bravery, then?
When we can break rules without consequence?
When we can have whatever we want without even needing to work for it?
Luck, for so many of us, isn’t something we earn by being brave—it’s something we were born with, an infinite stock we draw endlessly from. ”
I watch everyone in front of me shift uncomfortably, some more than others.
Dimitri is glancing across the aisle to where his fiancée, Natalya Valenkova, is sitting, still as a statue of glass, her eyes fixed on me.
I see Yuna, hair tucked into silver pins, sneak a glance at Jamie Vale, who came to Spearcrest on a rugby scholarship.
“How many of us have been handed things without ever questioning whether we deserved them or not? How many of us have ever needed, for even one moment, to be brave? And I mean actually brave: forced to put something on the line we might actually lose? To take a risk without knowing whether it would actually pay off? To do something we were actually afraid of doing, knowing we might actually get hurt?”
I pause, sweep the crowd with a glance, letting my words sink in. The teachers are frowning now—I can tell this isn’t where they thought I was going to go. I look past them, at all these beautiful, upturned faces, all these privileged people.
“It’s not bravery if we’re not going to face consequences, is it?
” I say, smiling coldly. “It’s not brave to hurt other people, to blackmail someone, to force them to do something they don’t want to do.
It’s not brave to publish gossip from an anonymous account and call it the truth.
It’s not brave to ask favours of someone who can’t say no because they, unlike us, have actually got something to lose. ”
I catch my breath. An awe-inspiring calm settles over me. I feel as if my body is a fortress of crystal, entirely see-through, but somehow impossibly strong, like a bullet would shatter against the glittering facades of me.
I feel stronger than I’ve felt in a long time.
“Fortune favours no one—the words we’ve been hearing for years from the so-called Inquisitor.
But that’s not true either. Fortune favours the fortunate—that’s the truth.
A self-feeding, self-cannibalising loop.
That’s how the rich stay rich, the powerful stay in power.
That’s how people like Birnam Hastings get away with the things they’ve done, right? ”
A hand lands on my elbow. I turn my head to glance at Mr North, who’s frowning at me with a concerned expression. He looks just like his son, Gabriel, who’s watching us from the back of the auditorium, his angelic face cracked by an odd, amused smile.
“Don’t worry, Mr North, I’m almost done,” I tell him, speaking into the mic still. “I’ve got one more thing left to say.” I turn back to the assembled audience. “The year’s come to an end—and thank fuck for that.”
There’s a mixture of gasps and laughter. The teachers look shocked, like they didn’t even think such a word could come out of my mouth.
Well, they better buckle in.
“In the spirit of honesty, integrity and honour, I would like to crown this year, as your head girl, with a confession.”
There’s a moment of absolute silence. I see the teachers’ eyes widen, my peers leaning forward, waiting with bated breath for what I’m about to say. I smile broadly.
“It was me,” I announce, loud and clear, my voice filling the auditorium. “I beat Birnam Hastings.”
There’s a ripple of whispers, frowns and uncertain glances.
“Birnam Hastings is a cancerous tumour in this school—he spoils everything he touches, and I simply wanted the disease to stop spreading. I beat him up with my bare hands.” I hold up my hands, flipping them to show my audience my fingers—and the signet ring I’m wearing.
The crest of blood has long dried, hardened, a black jewel crowning the gold.
I brandish it, spreading my fingers like a flourish.
“His blood is on my ring—and I wear it with pride.”
Mr North steps next to me.
“Desdemona.”
His voice is urgent, like he’s trying to tell me: stop before it’s too late.
But it’s already too late. It was too late by the time I went to Elias, that fateful night, and it was too late days earlier, when I saw Birnam’s unconscious body in the boathouse.
It was too late before Birnam did what he did to Ophelia—it was too late from the moment Birnam ever thought he could do something like that and get away with it.
“No, Mr North, I’m going to finish,” I tell him firmly, still into the mic. I turn back to my peers, who are now watching in awe and shock. “I beat him, and I left him there thinking he was dead. Hoping he was dead.”
The teachers are covering their mouths, aghast. In the audience, Benjamin is shaking his head at me, not in judgement, but alarm. His eyes seem to scream: you’re confessing to an actual fucking crime, Desdemona.
I know I am—my mother’s one of the best prosecutors in America.
I smile wider. My heartbeat is strong and steady.
“When he was taken to hospital,” I continue calmly, “I hoped he would die there. And if I ever see him again, I’d want to do the same thing all over again.
And if ever I ended up having enough power to ruin his life, I’d do it.
Fortune favours me, after all, so why not put it to good use?
If nobody’s going to stop Birnam, then I will. ”
The audience is a mix of expressions, now. Surprise, shock, disgust, fear, admiration.
But as it turns out, the only person whose opinion I actually care about isn’t actually here. He’s in a jail cell somewhere, a cell I put him in.
“I abused my power to hurt Birnam,” I say, my voice filling the room. “And when I didn’t finish the job, I abused my power by making someone else take the blame for me.”
This time, complete silence. Stunned blinks. Mouths dropping open.
Even Dimitri looks genuinely shocked, his eyes huge, fixed on me.
“I convinced Elias Lennox to take the fall for what I did.”
Saying it out loud makes my heart soar. I could almost collapse from how good it feels.
“I knew he’d have to agree,” I explain, “and I knew it would ruin his future to do so. I offered him twenty thousand pounds in cash, and when he said no, I offered to sleep with him instead.”
In the audience, teachers are covering their mouths. Blaise’s easy smile is wiped clean off his face. Mira’s mouth falls open. Zafira stifles a shocked laugh.
I shrug.
“Why not? I thought my reputation was worth paying that price. But as it turns out, it’s not. Being perfect—the perfect daughter, the perfect student, the perfect head girl—it was only ever a lie anyway. I’ve just been pretending. And actually, I’m done.”
I sigh, leaning heavily on the lectern, shaking my head. Hundreds of years of pressure seem to have lifted from my shoulders, now.
“I’m done pretending I didn’t commit a crime, and I’m done pretending I didn’t get someone else to take the fall for me.
I’m done pretending you’re all blameless, because you all knew Birnam was a worthless piece of shit, a predator, and you all let him get away with it.
I’m done pretending that I ever dated any of you out of anything but obligation, and I’m done pretending that I care what any of you think.
I’m done pretending that I’m not in love with Elias Lennox when he’s the only person I’ve ever been in love with. ”
In the crowd, Benjamin is sighing and rubbing the bridge of his nose under his glasses—probably wondering how on earth he’s going to manage to follow up my head girl’s address.
Mira, on the other hand, raises her hands in a little silent clap—to her, my love for Elias probably justifies everything I’ve just done.
I always thought her romanticism was naive, but actually, she’s always been ahead of the rest of us.
A few rows down, Julian’s friends are all turning to look at him, whispers rippling all the way towards him.
But I don’t even bother to check his reaction.
I turn around to look at Mr North.
“And now, Mr North, am I going to be arrested straight away, or should I wait until I’m dragged out of my next exam in front of the entire school? Am I going to be shoved around and handcuffed and stuffed into the back of a police car in front of everyone?”
Mr North rolls his eyes. “I think you’ve made your point. My office. Immediately.”
“Of course, sir.” I glance back at the crowd. “Congratulations, all, and best of luck with the exams and your wonderful, perfect futures. I’ve been your head girl, Desdemona Sutton-Knight.”