Chapter 47
47
ADAM
M y first reaction isn’t anger. I make a vague note of that as I watch Jonathan walk away. That’s some sort of psychological victory, though it doesn’t feel like it.
No, the emotion that crashes into me in a giant wave is despair. And instead of violently pushing it away, I let it wash over me. This is my fault. I deserve this. Everything he said was right. I can’t even be angry that Geoff was the one to tell him. I had plenty of time, but I was a coward and now I must pay the price.
I take a moment to compose myself. Then I head back inside to do the job that must be done. Game face on.
Enrique is covered in chocolate, his face more chocolate than not. He runs to me, waving a strawberry on a stick and vocalizing.
I manage a smile for him. “Yes, I know. Chocolate fountain’s pretty neat huh?”
He passes me the sticky kabab and then runs back for more. The strawberry already has a bite out of it.
My heart expands and contracts so sharply it sends a shock through me. Because Belle should be here. Belle should be receiving half eaten, abandoned sweets.
Ray waves from where he’s standing by the offending fountain with Alisha. Something in my expression must give me away because his face falls. As Enrique rejoins Alisha, no doubt smearing chocolate on her lovely dress, Ray saunters over.
“Talk not go so well?”
I shake my head. I don’t trust myself to say more. Besides, there’s work to do. If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s compartmentalizing. I shove all thoughts of Belle down in a mental box and get up on the stage in front of the cameras to record the remaining footage.
Later, after I’ve put the kids to bed with Lily-Iris’s help and have let myself get talked into doing story time, I go down to the parlor and pour myself a drink. I will my imaginary Lloyd to join me, but he’s giving me the silent treatment. Serves me right.
Now, alone in the dark, I let myself feel. This is just like me, really. Find something beautiful and destroy it. I should have expected that. Why am I so blindsided by this? The thing with Jonathan should never have even happened. Meredith was right. But I let it happen because it was the first time I’d felt alive in years and I gorged myself on it. And then, before I knew it, we were so close, so intimate. By the time I knew he wasn’t a threat, it was too late to tell him without hurting him. As for the children… I don’t know when or how I’ll break it to them either. But Jonathan’s right, I have to do it. I should have done it months ago. How will they react? Will they hate me too? I bury my head in my hands and draw a trembling breath. This is a nightmare of my own making and I don’t know how to fix it.
“Adam?”
I shoot up at Jonathan’s soft voice from the doorway. My heart surges with hope. We can talk this out. I can fix this. But then I see him. His head is bowed. He’s holding his pager.
“I, uh, I need to go. I’m sorry.”
“Jonathan, don’t. Please?—”
“—it’s my father.” He meets my gaze and his eyes are glassy. He’s crying. “Zane just called.” He waves the pager absently. “He— he— it happened again. He had a seizure. Quite a bad one. They think… I have to go. I might still make it in time if I leave now. I know it’s a lot to ask given— but could I take the car?”
I’m on my feet, fighting every instinct. All I want to do is take him into my arms. “Of course.” I take a step forward, stop myself. “You shouldn’t drive. I— shit, I’ve been drinking. But Angus can take you.”
“It’s really late. I’ll be fine. Thank you.”
He walks away. I want to go after him but he doesn’t want me there. Not now. “Jonathan?” He turns. “Head to Inverness. Straight along the A82. The airport’s open again. I’ll call and arrange a flight. It will be quicker than driving the whole way.”
“I—” he looks about to refuse, then nods. “Thank you. Please tell the children I’m sorry.”